Adopting Duo
by Crimson Waterfall
Summary: COMPLETE A series of bad decisions lead to even worse situations. Can victims of heartache forgive and forget when the souls that have trespassed against them are in most need of their help? death? hinting of 2x1, eventual 2x1? - look out for the sequel
1. Chapter 1

**Shinigami, the Perfect Soldier and Crimson Waterfall are back from hell. Well... they are back from hell, I've just returned from the horrid world that I call my life. No, that's not fair, I am a very blessed person, I just don't admit that as often as I should. **

**To answer the question of what I've been up to that kept me from updating: I kinda got sucked into school, there's this report we have to write for school. It's not just any report, you have to put 80 (!) hours into it. People who invented THAT are sick and deprived of social interactions. Anyway, that's what I have been up to. If I don't rock that report I AM allowed to take my exams, but no matter how good the results are, I won't get my diploma. That would suck. My other excuse is that I have been to America during the christmas break. Oh. My. God. I did NOT want to go back to the grey coloured country AKA The Netherlands! Despite the tornado touchdown not far from where we were in Orlando, Florida, it was the BEST vacation ever. I could talk about forever and STILL wouldn't be finished. I went to Seaworld and Bush gardens in Tampa bay, you know, like the true tourist that I was and to crown off my holiday I swam with dolphins. Ah... still can't believe I actually had the oportunity to do something as amazing as that... Lastly and most plainly: I had a serious writersblock and I'm not sure it's over yet.**

**This is like... word vomit turned into a story, but I hope you like it anyway. **

**Warnings: unlike the title might suggest this is not a happy fic and there will be no, I repeat: there will be NO chibi Duo, or him in any other deformed state for that matter. It used to be 'unbeta'd' but I've taken the time to do some basic checking. But still, don't expect the spelling and grammar to be perfect as that is a constant struggle for me. **

**All the feedback will be treated with the gratitude it deserves.**

**ADOPTING DUO**

This place is eerie. Perhaps it's the eeriest place I've ever been. And that says something. I've lived on L2 after all. It's strange how death lingers in this room. Every single object reminds me of the fact that now they are gathering dusk, as is has been a long time since their owner handled them. A once living owner. Now dead.

The room is small and simple, only the basic necessities are present, but I wouldn't have expected it to be any other way. I don't think I would have wanted it to be either. After all, I've come to think of the former, passed on, owner of someone who is in need of nothing but the basic, primary goods of life. A roof, a bed, food, water and oxygen, were all the things it would take to complete such a persons life. If I had stumbled across relics of a long forgotten youth or pictures of smiling relatives, I don't think I would have been able to handle the remorse, but now I'm like this detached ghost that roams through the apartment of a dead person.

I am not completely comforted by the surrounding I encounter however. The bare walls and lack of furniture give me a feeling of deep regret and at the same time shame. Shame that there was no person in this world, not even me, that cared enough to colour the black and white sketching of his life. Regret, for the same reason. Maybe if I had bothered to stop by... or even a call or something as emotionally vacant as an email... perhaps it could have made a difference.

But I did nothing, like everyone else we were all bystanders he strategically ignored. I wish he would be the one to blame, but we must live on bearing some of the guilt on our shoulders.

'There's not much to take.' A voice spoke behind me, coming from a presence I knew was there long before the words broke the dead quiet.

I turned my head just slightly and strained my eyes to roll sideways as far as they could so I could make out the blurry picture of the landlord of this rundown complex, standing against the backlight coming from the bright hallway. The man dares to speak again in this forsaken sanctuary.

'But I'll give ya two days to uh... for closure.' He finally decided. He tried his best to sound compassionate, but failed miserably. He just wanted the apartment emptied out so it could start earning him money again.

'Yes. Thank you.' A raspy voice replies. I know it's mine, but it hasn't sounded like mine in a very long time. I ignore him completely, standing still somewhere in the middle of what could be described as the livingroom. I waited till he got the picture and took a silent step backwards, into the hallway, and closed the frontdoor behind him.

I felt a rush of panic go through me as the apartment went dark, dead, like the closing of the door had cut off the oxygen supply. Like a suffocating man I rushed towards the single, lonesome window in the apartment, hidden behind thick, dark blue curtains that allowed only a minimum amount of sunlight to stream through. As I opened them in one swift movement I was hit with the thought that this is probably the first time since long since sunlight had seen this apartment and I had a sudden feeling of trespassing, doing the forbidden, but I refused to close the curtain. The sunlight brought me at ease and breathed some life into the place.

With effort I turn myself around and for the first time the apartment was clearly revealed before my eyes. Right in front of me was a low coffee table, though I have no doubt no one ever drank coffee here. It looked brand new, as did the couch standing in front of it. The same went for the comfortable seat across from the couch. Both were grey, a darker shade than the grey colour of the carpet, that covered the entire floor. The coffeetable was made of beautiful ebony wood, but it probably wasn't picked out for it's beauty. It seemed a pity to let it wither here, never seeing true life or the underside of coffee mugs. I made a mental note of taking it with me, though not entirely sure where to put it in the limited amount of space of my own apartment.

The kitchen was beyond the livingroom. Again, nothing more than the basic equipment. Microwave, stove, sink. It was a fairly large kitchen and all the cabinets, except for one, were empty. Neatly lying in that one cabinet was one fork, one knife and one spoon. Next to it was one large plate and a smaller one, stacked on top of each other. On the higher shelf in the cabinet was a mintgreen mug. What struck me was the fact that the ear had once been broken off, but somebody had taken the time, patience and care to repair it, back to near perfection, the breakline barely visible. That was all. No extra forks, plates or glasses, to make it painfully obvious that he wasn't even expecting any one of us to stop by for a visit. From all the things I have encountered so far, this revelation wrenched my heart the most. I gently touched the glued on ear of the mug with the tip of my index finger, but pull back, as if burned. I'm not superstitious, but for some reason it felt as though a piece of him was inside the mug, after he must have used it daily for many years.

I move on in search of something that will be a better reminder of a loyal comrade than an antique coffeetable. I avoid the bedroom, getting near the door alone makes my heart beat uncontrollably. So it's the bathroom instead where I'm heading. The door is wide open and the first thing I notice is how clean it is. This makes me realise that, despite the layer upon layer of dust, the entire apartment was clean enough to perform surgery in. He must have had a lot of time on his hands. I smile sadly and lay a hand upon my chest as I step inside. With that one step I'm in the centre of the small bathroom. Straight ahead, only one more step away, is the combined bath and shower. To my right I register the presence of my reflection in a mirror hanging above a sink. Other than that, the room is bare. I turn my attention to the mirror, but instead of seeing my reflection, I see his. I had mistaken the brown hair and messy bangs for my own, but it's clear now, I'm not staring at my own face. I blink, and gone he is. Blue has turned violet, tanned skin has turned pale and dark brown hair has turned amber. I nod at my reflection, as if acknowlegding the fysical presence of another human being. The mirror turns out to be a medicin cabinet, so curious as I am, I open it. Only to find it to be as empty as most of the kitchen cabinets.

I take a deep breath and turn around. This has proven to be tougher than I thought it would be. I am preparing to leave the apartment, to inform the landlord the only thing I'll be taking, and the only thing there is to take, is the coffeetable. But as I walk through the short, narrow hallway the bedroom door calls to me. It's frightening and alluring at the same time and before I've regained controle over my body, I'm standing in the doorway, only now realising why some people called it the twilightzone. The door is open, I'm still holding the golden knob in my left hand and I'm staring right in...

The bedroom is relatively large. Large enough for a double bed, a closet and a desk. A desk that had been well used, the varnish on the surface has begun to wear from where I can imagine his elbows occasionally brushing it while his fingers fly over the keyboard of the laptop that is still standing there. With quickened pace I walk over there and lay a protective hand on it's black top, as if comforting a yowling pet that missess it's master. Like the desktop, the seat of the chair is also showing signs of wear. I spot another window, with the same dark blue curtain in front of it. This time I don't dare to open it though, afraid what demons I might cause to start screaming when the sunlight bruns their skin. My comrade is no longer here, he is in a better place, but it's obvious he has left his demons behind. For the better I guess, no one should carry that burden up to heaven with them.

The bed. I can smell it from where I'm standing. It still smells like... him. Like his sweat and other odours that were, no, are uniquely his. I spot a few drops of blood on the white crumpled sheets and a sob escapes my lips before I can stop it. I cover my mouth and remain silent for some time. I approach the bedside and lift the sheet, to uncover more blood. Still only mere drops, loss of blood was not what killed him, but it's enough to make me stagger back. I end up sitting down on the chair, the laptop in front of me. That thing I'm sure as hell taking home.

Once I have regained my composure I continue to confront myself with reality. I fling open the closet doors and my eyes sadden seeing the few clothes he has, hanging there, or folded neatly on a shelf. All arranged by colour. Three green tank tops, three white T-shirts, one black T-shirt. Two faded jeans, one dark pair, four pairs of spandex. Two denim jackets and one leather. At the bottom I spot those ugly mustard yellow sneakers and the simple brown shoes I had grown familiar with.

With the closet doors still open I take steps back till the back of my legs make contact with the bed and I gently sit down, staring at the contents of the closet. I mind not to step on the glass, lying on the ground, that I had spotted earlier.

I'm scared. I'm so scared. I'm scared that his life was even more miserable than my worst expectations. I'm scared that he hated us for never showing that we cared. I'm scared that he hated us for not being the comrades that he needed us to be. I'm scared that his death was long and painful. I'm scared that he's not happy in wherever his soul may be right now. I'm scared that he regrets his actions and wants to go back, now that he is looking down upon us from above and sees that we all miss him.

I break out in tears. My entire body is shaking as I sob like a child who's most precious stuffed animal is missing. I sob harder at that analogy and more tears stream down my face. God, I never even hugged him. Of all the times I acknowledged the fact that we both wanted to, I never hugged him! I never hugged him, even those times when I saw he needed me to. I never shook his hand. I'm not entirely sure if I ever touched him beyond the necessary hauling about when he had gotten himself into trouble again. And those touches don't count, a touch is meant to be comforting but I kept making it clear to him, every time we made fysical contact, I was only doing it because it was necessary. Now why would I do that?

I stroke the surface of the bed. The cold, abandoned bed. I wonder if he had ever shared it with anyone. If he ever felt such a strong desire to be touched that he went into shady clubs to get the closets thing to affection he'll ever receive. Did he get past his own inhibitions, or did he allow hismelf to go crazy and just savour every shoulder brushing contact he made with strangers on a busy sidewalk?

With my eyes I follow my outstretched arm from shoulder to fingertips, that are gently carressing the sheets as if carressing human skin. A splash of colour attracts my eye to the nighstand. I notice there is only one and it's on the right side, giving me reason to believe that he slept on this side of the bed, which I was now occupying, lost in thought.

The nightstand was empty except for three items. A lamp, an ugly lamp that the previous owner of the apartment might have left here, an alarmclock, even though there was no need since his inner clock was just as reliable and lastly... my eyes shift away and squeeze shut tightly in pain. My heart is clenching, it's so painful it gets hard to breathe.

A medicing bottle, the label peeled off, leaving only a bright white lid and seethrough, orange coloured plastic, that revealed that the failry large bottle was completely empty.

I open my eyes and it takes conscious effort to steady my breathing.

I don't remember the name of the medicin, the amount of pills or the sequence of events that went on inside his inner organs, even though the docter described it vividly to me, but for some reason I can imagine everything taking place. "He must have gotten the pills from a drug dealer", the docter had said, "these pills are illegal in the United States."

When I close my eyes I can see him shoving a roll of valuable bills into the hands of some shady, faceless person, who in exchange gives him a labelless bottle of white pills. He would inspect them, just like we'd all expect him to do, with everything. He identifies the pills, as the ones he has ordered, to the best of his abilities. With a curt nod, the deal is done and they go seperate ways. When he returns to the huge empty void he might have called his home, he placed them in the medicin cabinet, merely because it was a logical place to store pills. He was all about logical. He would have gone about his daily routine. He might have done that for several days, till finally the night arrives when he's standing in his black sweatpants and T-shirt, in front of the mirror medicin cabinet, after thoroughly brushing his teeth for the exact two minutes that are required. After filling the single glass from his kitchen with water, he opens the cabinet, takes the medicin in his hands and without further ado or goodbye to his reflection he is in his bed in only a few large strides. In stead of lying under the sheets, he goes to lie on top of them. I don't think there is much time between him lying down and taking the first series of pills. He just wasn't that type of guy.

As soon as he was comfortable he would have placed the glass on the table, the ring was visible on the wooden surface to this day, and opened the bottle. He would shake out as much as he could swallow in one gulp, which I reckon was about half the bottle, if he really wanted to do things quickly, which I think he would have. With the first load of white pills gathered in the palm of his left hand, he takes hold of the glass again with his right and brings it halfway up to his face. He shoves the pills into his mouth, followed by half of the content of the glass. He throws his head back, to ease the pills down his throat.

According to the docter there was some time between the first and the second series of pills. So he might have contemplated taking more, but decided to see first if the ones he had taken already would be enough to do the job. After half an hour he would have felt the burning in his stomach, a fever would have started and a drowsy feeling must have flooded over him, but not enough to indicate near death. This is when he took the second series, the docter had told.

He takes hold of the pills and the glass once more and repeats the actions of thirty minutes earlier. He didn't have to wait long for the pills to take effect. After about ten minutes excrutiating pain would have started, pulsating in his abdomen. Only then did he think of putting away the glass, but as he bent over, pain struck him. I imagine he gasps and the glass missess it's target. The pain causes his hand to tense and then go limp, dropping the glass that made a cushioned landing on the carpet. He holds his stomach and brings his legs up. For moments that take too long he turns and trashes in the bed, hoping the end would come soon. He was suddenly attacked by a viscious coughing fit, nearly causing him to suffocate. When he had steadied his breathing he opened his eyes and I reckon a grim smile would have spread across his face at the sight of the blood he had coughed up.

A few more coughing fits, a little more blood and then his vision turns blurry and he loses track of reality. He is so out of it the docter assures me that at that stage there was no more pain involved, he did inform me with sad tone that he had been conscious till the moment death took him.

I turn my head and gaze at the sheets and the dried blood on the left side of the bed. In total it had taken the drugs an hour to do their magic and claim his life, but the last fifteen minutes he should have been too delusional to notice the pain or even realise the opcoming death. Blurry pictures of his life flashes before non-comprehensive eyes as he made incoherent comments.

I snort. Him making incoherent comments... I don't think any drug could make him speak more than the necessary... that was just... silly.

It was his neighbour who had found him, cold in his bed. She had heard screams and moans that night and decided to go check it out. Perhaps she was naive, or knew of Heero's reluctance at having social interactions, that it never even crossed her mind that Heero could be in the proces of sexual intercourse with someone. She knocked on his door. No response came. Her knocking grew more demanding till she finally fled into her own apartment and dialed 911. An inexperienced team of paramedics arrived, half an hour later, who didn't recognise a corpse when they saw one. The heart compressions they performed throughout the race to the hospital were endearing, but futile attempts. He would never breathe on his own again.

At first I had been nervous about visiting this place by myself. I was not able to convince Quatre, Trowa, nor WuFei to come with me and see what had become of him after the war, besides the obvious... Now, I am grateful for their absence. I wouldn't want them here. Sitting here, feels like having an intimate moment with him. It feels like he is sitting right next to me and the sheets are ruffled for whatever reason a young male like myself could imagine. And he had just told me something significant. That he cared for me. Or maybe even a confession of love.

"I love you too Heero." I choke.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hello?" I ask groggily. Who dared to call Shinigami this early in the morning?

"Hello. Is this Duo Maxwell speaking?" Asked an unfamiliar voice.

I retorted with a suspicious: "Yes." Seeing no need to inform him on the fact that at six am my identity could best described as the God of Death, whom I share a very important trait with. We both aren't a morning person and damn the people that are!

"I'm glad I was finally able to reach you. Unfortunately I contact you for the reason of passing on bad news." He said in politically correct terms. On the surface he sounded genuinely concerned, under that lay a thick layer of detachment that not many poeople would catch on to, but I did.

Struck with a bad feeling I sat down in the nearest chair but I ignored the coiling of my guts, not allowing myself to grow emotional before I knew exactly what was going on.

"I'm docter Redderick, calling from Chicago county hospital. My call is conerning a certain mister Heero Yuy?"

He pronounced his name in the worst way possible, but he got his point across and my heart skipped a beat. Calling all the way from earth, I thought, only really bad news travels that far. "Yes." I urged, alarmed.

"You know him?"

"Yes, we were-" I stopped myself. What were we? Friends? Did we ever do something to suggest our relationship came near friendship? No. Not friends. Comrades? That sounds so distant. Finally I went with: "Yes, I know him." I remained cool and composed on the outside. Inside, I was shaking.

"I'm afraid I couldn't call you with sadder news than I am. I was given the unfortunate task to inform you that on April the second, mister Yuy's neighbour called the paramedics who rushed him to the hospital.We did everything we could but..."

"He's gone...?" I finished for him. My voice was raspy, reflecting the emotional turmoil that I was experiencing. Though a shiver went down my spine as I uttered those words, I had difficulty grasping the concept of the Perfect Soldier being 'gone'.

"..." There was a long silence coming through the phone line. He was thinking how to explain this in the most scientific way possible so he could hang up before I'd start to break down.

"H-how... what... How? Was he sick? Was he in an accident?" I stuttered. Heero couldn't be gone! Suicidal as he was not even an explosion and flying debri of gundanium alloy could kill him, so what could possibly...?

"Please, mister Maxwell, allow me to finish. The situation is more complicated than that..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The clinically whiteness of the entire interior left me shaken, if I wasn't already. I had immediately booked a shuttle and came as fast as I could, even though me rushing down to Earth, Chicago, wouldn't help the situation in any way as it was already too late. Yet, we were all required to come here. I was the first to arrive, the first to sit down in those mint green, plastic chairs in the waiting room, looking expectantly at every docter or nurse that passes you by, hoping they would throw some information your way. But no such luck.

It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, it could have been days. I was too out of it to notice the striking of the clock or the difference between sunlight and artificial light of the bright lamps all through the hospital. Finally the doors opened and though they have been opening and closing numerous times, this was the time I turned my head, because I felt a familiar, soothing presence entering. Two, to be exact.

My face somewhat lit up when I spotted a stricken Quatre and a jetlagged Trowa, scanning the mass of people, looking for me. I made it a little easier for them by giving a halfhearted wave. Quatre nodded and approached me with quick strides. I stood up, wanting to give him a strong, masculine handshake, but I didn't stand a chance. The blonde wrapped his arms tightly around me and I could do nothing but accept the embrace by returning the favour.

"Oh Duo..." Was all he muttered, emotions evident in his wavering voice.

I cast a glance at Trowa, who seems uncomfortable with the intimacy of the moment and was purposedly looking away, pretending to be interested by something else. I detached myself from Quatre and gave Trowa the handshake I've been meaning to give before.

"Have you heard anything?" Quatre asked as we took our seats next to eachother.

I shook my head. "I've been here for... quite some time and they haven't told me anything..."

"I'll see if I can get one of them to talk." Trowa declared. He rose and made his way to the counter with heavy footsteps to engage in an argument with the receptionist and some of the nurses.

I was watching Trowa, hoping his actions would have effect, but Quatre forced me to redirect my attention as he spoke to me.

"I can't imagine how you must feel."

I frowned deeply. How I must feel? In what way could my feelings differ from his or Trowa's? "What do you mean: How I must feel?"

His eyes widened and he looked away. "I'm sorry... I thought... you still harboured feelings for him."

"What do you mean STILL? Did I ever?!" I was getting upset over nothing, but it was to be expected, I have been up for the last fifty hours and that hasn't been the case since the war. Your body forgets a lot in two years. Including how to deel with sleep deprivation.

"I'm sorry." Quatre said again. And that is how the conversation ended, leaving me with many questions, but no urge or energy to have them answered.

The two of us lifted our heavy heads and tired eyes to look at Trowa as he returned to us with a vague look of accomplishment in his eyes. The words he spoke still lay a heavy weight on my heart as I remember them, as they were the beginning of the most horrible period of my life.

"We may see him."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I've seen Heero sick and dying many times, but I had never seen him in a hospital bed, wearing one of those light blue gowns while he was tightly tucked in under the white sheets. The room was dark and the peaceful expression on his face put me at ease, because it allowed me to believe that he was merely sleeping. Any moment now he could open his eyes, or that's how it seems. That was deceiving though.

"Oh God..." Quatre was the first to voice his shock when laying eyes on the pale skin as Heero rigidly lay in his hospital bed. He approached him with cautious steps, as if he was afraid the former Wing pilot would suddenly jump up like some kind of devil-possessed zombie.

I took a deep breath, breathing in not only oxygen, but hopefully courage as well as I stepped in closer and could clearly make out his serene face. I hadn't even known the docter was still with us till Trowa quietly asked him to leave. I focussed my attention on the war hero in the bed. The last time I had seen him was after the second war and he was being carried to an ambulance on a gurney. I had stood at a distance, watching two of them pushing the gurney, one of them walking along side with an IV drip and a fourth securing the oxygen mask on his face and starting heartcompressions. A visibly shaking Relena was walking after them, but no matter how long she begged, she was not allowed to come with them in the ambulance. But at least she tried. I didn't try. WuFei already left and Quatre and Trowa were too busy celebrating the obtained peace while pretending they didn't have the hots for eachother. I just watched as they carried him away, I was aware of a sense of freedom, bu not the one we had obtained that night by forceful actions. I saw a way out. A way to get out of the emotional mess that I had gotten myself into and wasn't in the least bit ready, nor prepared for. An escape path unfolded before me and I hurriedly took it.

Never did I went to visit him. Not in the hospital where he was recovering after that eventful christmas eve. Not at his house in the years after, where ever that may be, of course I also didn't bother to look for him, since I had no intentions of visiting...

And here I am. In the situation I had been working so hard for to avoid. I'm in it and it feels like plunging into the deep end of the pool and then spontaneously forgetting how to swim. I was a drowing man. With no idea what to feel or how to act, a problem I have been struggling with all my life, causing me to make jokes at all the wrong moments, this one no exception.

"Guess he toop 'uppers', he looks pretty content, not as uptight as he normally does." With uppers I referred to the drugs he took to end his life. It was such a wrong joke, thankfully Quatre and Trowa ignored my insensitive comment as they knew of my social tactlessness in emotionally difficult situations.

I swallowed as Quatre took hold of Heero's limp right hand. I watched the joined hands for a while, letting all the feelings wash over me. I was jerked awake by Quatre soft voice speaking the exact words I did not want to hear. "Why won't you hold him Duo? I'm sure he'd appreciate it."

"He's dead Quatre." I stated.

Quatre gasped. "Duo," he hissed, "don't say things like that, he can hear us."

I looked at the dead face. "I doubt it." I replied sarcastically.

"Duo, please, do us all a favour and just hold his hand. I'm sure he can feel it and I'm sure he'd especially like you to touch him."

I shot Quatre dangerous look, I thought we had agreed not to mention that. I sighed in defeat, I walked around the bed to Heero's left side and unceremonically grabbed his left hand. "Happy now?"

"Very."

I ignored Quatre's tone and looked at Heero's face. Suddenly, the emotions that had been welling up inside forced their way out and I could feel tears burning in my ears. I hurried to wipe them away, but from the way Quatre took a few steps back to grant us some privacy, I gather he saw them.

"Talk to him." He urged.

I shot him another look, this time of disbelief. I couldn't belief he was making me do this. Did he like to see me cry and struggle with emotions? Did it give him some sick enjoyment?

"Hey Heero." I heard myself saying. I groaned inwardly, but the words kept coming with this gentle, loving, soothing tone that I didn't know my nasal voice could make. I vaguely register Quatre ushering Trowa out of the room and closing the door behind them.

"Not as such a spectacular way to go as selfdestructing, don't you agree?"

No answer, no movement. Just like when he was still... alive.

"Yeah... the docters told us everything. The pills and all... were you in pain?"

Silence. Nothing different about that.

"Why did you do it Heero? Quatre... he told me that once you had recovered you had this mission of finding your humanity... Didn't you find it or... did you realise being human only made things more difficult?" tears were streaming out of control. The floodgates had opened and spilled silently.

"I can't begin to describe what went through me when the docter told me about your... state."

A long silence.

"Maybe you don't want to hear it, but I would have felt better if you were just declared dead. Then at least all this suffering, of you, me, the others... that would be over and we could all go on. That's a selfish thing to say... but I guess you are used to me acting selfish... huh?"

The background noise of beeping monitors and laboured breathing was all that filled the room till I finally spoke up again.

"Everyone is just kidding themselves. The docters... the nurses... Quatre and Trowa... And knowing WuFei he'll bu just as stubborn about acknowledging the truth... You're gone Heero. You are no longer on this planet!" My lower lip trembled. "You are gone, your soul has moved on!!" I hit the chest of the limp body in the bet, not violently, but definitely hard. I pried the hand away from my own. Even though it had been limp in my grip, it felt like Heero was latching onto me.

The monitors beeped and the breathing continued at the same steady pace, reverberating through the entire room that had three more beds, but no other patients.

FLASHBACK:

"Please, mister Maxwell, allow me to finish. The situation is more complicated than that..."

"What do you mean?"

"The acid of the pills was burning holes in his stomach, causing him to vomit blood, but also causing dangerous infections in the abdomen. However, thanks to miss Graham, mister Yuy's neighbour, quick response we were able to fix the damage that was done in time."

"He is alive?!"

"Not exactly..."

"... what is that supposed to mean... didn't you just say-"

"Allow me to finish. What I mean with complicated is that Heero Yuy has been clinically dead an estimated amount of time of half an hour. That means no blood and thus no oxygen was going to the brain, causing severe neurological damage. Mister Yuy is in a deep coma and the chances are zero to none that he will ever regain consciousness. Even more unlikely is that if he does, he will be able to live like a normal human being. We can't determine just how much damage is done, we will only know if he wakes up, but by the look op it, IF he ever, again, I remind you, that would shock me and the whole world of medicine and science, he would be unable to speak, eat, walk he might not even be able to think. He will be as much as a vegetable as he is now."

"I don't know what to say..."

"You have time to concider your actions. I kindly request, though you are not obliged, to come here so we can settle this."

"Wait, what is there to settle?"

"... whether or not it will be worth all our time and mister Yuy's pain and suffering, to keep him alive..."

"You're telling me to pull the plug?!"

"As a docter I can't tell you what to do. However, I can strongly advise you to."

END FLASHBACK

This time he hit the chest with both his fist, causing a temporary drop of the heartrate, but it picked up soon under the influence of the LVAD he was hooked to as the respirator kept up his steady breathing. The numerous machines all around them added to Duo's rage as they all claimed Heero was alived, yet his eye could not be betrayed.

"HEERO, YOU ARE DEAD SO WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!!!!!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Are you okay now?" Quatre asked in low tone as he stroked my back in soothing circles.

I nodded, my cheeks burning with shame as I remembered Quatre, Trowa and the recently arrived WuFei had to forcefully pull me off Heero. I had totally lost it. I could see myself hitting Heero, but I was not in control. I was nothing but a spectator as my body acted on it's own.

"Duo, it's gonna be alright. This is Heero we are talking about, he'll be fine."

"No, Quatre."

"Duo, he-"

"NO!!!" I fixed a wide eyed glare on my blonde friend who leaned away from me as the intensity hit him.

"Duo calm down. Let's not make any rash decisions." WuFei reasoned.

"He is dead WuFei. DEAD. There is a corpse in there wasting valuable equipment."

Quatre gasped in shock "How can you say that! Heero is our friend!"

"Is he? Really, give me one reason to believe he saw US as friends and we should see HIM as friend."

Both Trowa and Quatre fell silent as they were unable to give concrete reasons, but after a moment of contemplation, WuFei spoke up. From his upright position, leaning against the wall that separated Heero's room from the hall, his arms were crossed over his chest, his gaze was fixed on the floor, but his voice was firm. "If Heero didn't see at least you as a friend, he wouldn't have written in his will that if this day would come, the decision of life and death would be up to you. That means he trusted you. He literally laid his life in your hands."

I snorted. "And what a valuable life it is, huh. Don't you get it? He committed suicide. He WANTS to die, that is the final wish we should respect."

"Are you sure that's you're reason?"

"What do you mean, Chang?" I snarled.

"Aren't you just looking for the easy way out again?"

WuFei should be very grateful that Trowa was quick to block my way when I rose to let the Chinese ex-pilot exactly know how I felt about him making a comment like that.

"Take it easy, we didn't come here to fight. We came here to support Heero."

"There is nothing to support." I said, crying again. The tears cooled my burning cheeks as I felt so shameful, such a criminal because I seemed to be the only one to realise this was a lost cause. At the same time I feared WuFei's words held some truth. What if, subconsciously, my decision was being affected by the fact that Heero and I have complicated, unresolved business between us that I am not able to handle and have been avoiding for the last two years? I didn't know what to think of myself.

"Mister Maxwell, Winner, Barton, Chang." The docter acknowledged us all with a nod and then turned towards me. Poor pityful me who sat with hunched in the seat. "Have you reached a decision."

I bit my lip and shakily looked over the others. Their eyes were begging me to give Heero a chance. But there were multiple factors I had to concider. Heero had wished to die. And the chances that he'll wake up are almost nihil. I did not want him to suffer.

He is already dead. I reminded myself. Not only his body, but his soul as well... there was no reason to prolong the inevitable...

"Mister Maxwell?"

I nodded and rose. I looked at the others before closing my eyes. "...It's time to say goodbye..."

Now you might wonder what the title has to do with the story. The answer would be: absolutely nothing! ;) Really, nothing. I owe you an explanation. This isn't really a oneshot, as I might like to let on, which could explain the unsatisfactionary ending (it FEELS like there's no real end).

I had intended this to be a prologue of the story I was gonna call "Adopting Duo". The story isn't working but I was pretty pleased with the prologue so decided to post it as it's own story. Why I didn't rename it? I could say that would bring bad luck, like renaming a ship, but mostly I kept the name because I am secretly hoping I can still make the rest of the story work and hope to be able to post it under this name some day.

Love,

Crimson Waterfall


	2. Chapter 2

**Be afraid, be very afraid. **

'**Unbeta'd' (no, that is not a word ;)), but even if Ido check it it doesn't make much difference, I read the first chapter and it's still horrid, I'm just too lazy to do anything about it. Flame me. **

**Adopting Duo**

**Chapter 1**

I held the laptop to my chest like a scared child holds a teddubear. With red rimmed eyes I made my way through the apartment, eager to leave this forsaken place on earth. I shouldn't have said that I loved him, I don't even know if I do. Did! Confusion hit me like a freight train and made me quicken my pace. I all but ripped the frontdoor open, the knob was loose, I had noticed that on entry, now, I stood in the hallway, the doorknob in my hand, while I vaguely heard the door fell shut softly behind me. I looked back, at the door, and imagined the apartment beyond it. Is this it? I asked myself. Is this the end? Is this where we once again go seperate ways and I live on to pretend he never existed in the first place? I turned around again and my heart skipped a beat as I finally registered the presence of an old, grey haired, short lady looking up at me with watery eyes. 'Hello.' I said, dumbstruck.

The woman made a short bow as a greeting, though her features didn't strike me as Asian. When she straightened again her eyes fell on something in my hand. With sad tone she said, pointing timidly at it: 'I'm afraid you are going to have to pay for that.'

I blinked and looked down at my hand, surprised to see I held the knob, which was no longer attached to the door. I look back at the hole the missing knob had left in the wood. Amazed I faced her again and she smiled at my flabbergasted expression. 'I guess I do...' I needed to see the landlord anyway, there was no reason to be given two days. I was done.

Her eyes turned sad and sorrowful again and she broke eye contact, as if that was too difficult for her. After moments of uncomfortable silence, which I didn't break out of mere politeness, she looked pointedly at the shut door. 'Did you know him?'

Once again I turned my head to glance at the door. 'Yes.' I answered with my hoarse voice. I offered her a sad smile as I realised something. 'You must be miss Graham.'

The old lady nodded and smiled at being recognised. 'Yes. She confirmed vocally.' Then she switched topic. 'Did you know him well?'

'I'd like to think I did.'

She had to smile to that again and I got the feeling that she must have known him pretty well herself, judging by her reactions. 'I'm glad,' she said, 'He didn't have any friends. I invited him over for tea occasionally, but I'm sure I was not proper company for a young man like him...' Her voice died out.

'I'm sure he appreciated your kindness.'

'Oh yes, I'm sure, he was a very polite young man, very polite...'

'Did you see him often?' I continued as I noticed she was sinking away in her thoughts.

'Nonono, he only came for tea twice, other than that there was only the occasinal nodding in the hallway...'

I felt like she had wanted to say more, but stopped herself from doing so. Her eyes welled up with emotions and it seemed to be too much for her. I opted to offer her a supportive hand but did not do so. I felt uncomfortable with this stranger that had heard Heero die, lonely in his bed. I couldn't help but mention the dreadful night of April the second. 'So you uh... heard him?'

She froze and once again refused to make eye contact. Something flashed in her eyes, a painful memory perhaps. It must have been hard on her, she was obviously very fond of him, despite the limited contact. She started shaking and tears left her eyes, making my heart clench with guilt. Awkwardly I placed my hand on her shoulder, but it only made her cry louder. 'I'm sorry...' I whispered, her uncontained emotions didn't make it any easier for me to bite back my own sobs but, gratefully, I managed.

'I wish I had called sooner.' She exclaimed and looked up at me with guilty green eyes. 'If I had called immediately after...' After one last, hard sob she calmed herself down, while wiping the tears off her face with a handkerchief she spoke: 'He might still be here if I had just been quicker.'

I shook my head. 'It wasn't your fault.' I removed my hand from her shoulder and started to walk away, I was too emotionally drained to fake a comforting smile as I said my goodbyes. I had almost made it to the elevator when I heard her call after me.

'Next time you see him... will you please tell him I´ll come visit soon.' She said with hopeful voice. ´When I´m... ready.´

I looked down at the ground. Another one of those people that are misled by the idea that a comatose person can hear and feel... and wake up... ´There won´t be a next time.´ I spoke, still looking at the ground, fingering the knob in my hand which was becoming slippery with the sweat of my palm.

She raised her eyesbrows, I could feel it. ´Why not?´

I sighed. ´Because he is dead´ And he has been for a very long time, I added mentally. I heard her gasp but I just turned away. Perhaps it was cold and emotionless of me to shock an old, kind lady like herself the way I did. But I haven´t cared about the people in my surroundings for the past few weeks, as they were all detached from my own world. I wasn´t about to start caring now.

The elavator dinged and the doors slid open with a slight hitch. I stepped in and pushed on the button for the first floor. Apartment 1A, there would the landlord be, he said. My eyes narrow at the stricken figure that was still standing in the middle of the hall, looking at him like a deer in the headlights. The doors finally blocked out the sight of her pale, trembling figure and as they did so, I let out a sigh of relief.

I looked down at the laptop and my mind was reeling with possible passwords Heero might have used. I needed to know what was in it, thought at the same time, I didn´t want to.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The landlord opened his door at the fifth demanding knock and his eyes immediately fell on the knob, which I was unceremonically holding up to him. 'Uhm... thanks.' He said as he took it out of my hand and inspected the ruined piece of painted metal.

'Sorry.' I offered.

He looked at the laptop. 'Nothing else?'

'Perhaps the coffetable... Or the mug...' I informed with dead voice, having second thoughts about it. What must I do with a table? I knew that it would only be a bother and guilt would refrain me from ever getting rid of it, it's better not to take it with me at all. 'No, never mind, this is all.' Who wants a dead persons coffeetable anyway? Not to mention a dead persons mug. I shuddered as I remembered how the mug made feel. No, definitely not the mug.

He nodded, though not understanding my metal rambling that was betrayed by the ever shifting expressions displayed on my face.

'I'll pay for that.' I nodded towards the doorknob and reached for my wallet in my backpocket.

'No, that's okay. Yuy was a good kid; always paid his rent on time. Though I have no idea where he got the money from, hardly ever left his apartment, poor kid.' He added with softer voice and threw the doorknob into his own apartment.

I heard it make a cushioned landing and reckoned he had aimed for his couch. Heero probably still hacked into OZ' abandoned funds to pay for everything, I said to myself as I thought over what he had said. Can't pretend my rent is paid with my own hard earned money... 'I appreciate it.' I said, referring to his kindness to foot the bill of the reparations. Perhaps he really did care after all...

He nodded. 'You want a bag for that?' He pointed at the laptop and was already preparing to get one.

An image flashed before my eyes: The handle of the plastic bag, containing the laptop, snaps and the electronic device plummets to the ground and shatters beyond repair. 'No, thank you.' I hastily say.

He shrugs. 'Did you meet Annabeth?'

'Who?'

'The old lady... Miss Graham?'

I nodded. 'Yes. It seemed like she was waiting for me in the hallway.'

'She was. Did you tell her?'

'Tell her what?'

'About uh... the decision you've made.'

I frowned, this man was very well informed on the subject. Had the hospital called him? I thought about it and decided that that would make sense, how else had they been able to locate us if not contacting the people that were currently in his life? 'Yes, I told her. She didn't take it well.' I don't say I failed to mention to her that if it had been up to anybody other than myself, Heero would still be what she, and my fellow pilots, considered 'alive'. 'You have my address, in case there is something you need concerning the apartment. Or if you change your mind about the knob, if it gets too expensive.' I held out my hand to him and as he grabbed hold of it, I shook his firmly.

'Thank you.' He said.

I had the feeling I would receive a bill for the door within the next to weeks but didn't let him know about my suspicion. I turned on my heels and strode through the hall, straight to the frontdoor of the apartment complex. Cold air attacks my body the moment I step outside, the sun does little to warm me, but I embrace the numbness that spreads through my face. The fresh air takes my mind elsewhere.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

'... It's time to say goodbye...'

'Duo, no! You can't be serious!' Quatre called in panic.

I turn to see Trowa embracing his boyfriend who was shaking from the emtions. He must have really thought he could talk me out of it. The docter coughed to attract my full attention. Looking at him I see he is holding a form out to me.

'The government holds the reigns tightly, but all you have to do is sign this and within a week a judge will give us permission to humanely end his life.' He explained. He held it out to me, along with a pen. I felt like I was being forced into doing something, but I had made up my mind. If I would come to regret putting my signature on that paper, I would just have to make peace with the fact I will be feeling guilty the rest of my life. I wasn't about to change my mind.

'Don't...!' Quatre croaked as I took the pen and moved over to the wall. I held the paper against the white wall for firmness and put the pen to the paper. Within seconds I had filled out the form and my messy signature graced the bottom of the page.

The docter nodded and took it out of my hands, he immediately left after telling me I had made the right decision.

Quatre was crying.

Trowa was struggling.

WuFei was... gone. I looked just in time to see his tense, retreating back round a corner and disappear.

'He wanted this.' The whisper left my lips before I could stop it.

Trowa looked up at me as I mumbled, my heart was numb and void and it didn't even feel like it was beating as I made eyecontact with the tall young man.

'Yes,' Trowa confirmed. 'He did. But he has wanted to die many times before, yet I swear he was grateful that time when he woke up in my trailer and found it was neither Heaven nor Hell.'

The amount of information passing his tout lips stunned me and I stood gaping at him for a while before I even started to process his words. Still, my heart was numb. 'I'm going home.' I said. I avoided eyecontact and strode away, slowing down as I passed the window that revealed the dark room in which Heero resided. I looked in and saw the moonlight outlining his figure and reflecting off the plastic tube that was forced into his throat. He is already dead, I reminded myself. And he seems pretty content with it. I nodded at my own reflection in the window and left, just as I was about to round the same corner WuFei had I heard Quatre with his hoarse voice call after me: 'don't think this is over!' I didn't stop, just kept on walking. Some nurses gave me strange glances, but thankfully left me alone. When I finally stood outside on the slippery pavement, with snow falling all around me out of grey sky, my heart started beating again and I recognise the feeling as the one I had when I saw those four paramedics rush Heero to the ambulance, a weeping Relena in their wake, two years ago.

'Heero knew you would let him die.'

I whip my head around and find myself staring at WuFei, leaning against the outer wall of the hospital, a sigaret perched between his lips, smoke coming out of his nose. 'Since when do you smoke?'

He carries on af if he did not hear my question. 'He didn't pick you because he knew you would make the 'right' decision. He picked you because he knew you were the only one that would agree to let him go.' He took the sigaret out of his mouth and finally let his cold, piercing dark eyes connect with mine. 'He knew you were the only one cowardly enough to do so.'

My eyes narrow but I decide not to provoke WuFei's rage by responding.

He looks away and inhales more sigaret smoke. Then suddenly, he takes it out of his mouth again and looks at the sigaret in surprise, as if he just noticed it was there. 'I shouldn't smoke.' He said, blowing the last bit out of his lungs and throwing the butt into the snow where the flame died on impact.

'You can't talk me out of it WuFei. What's done is done.'

He smiled, an upward curl of his lips that seemed dark and sinister, especially since WuFei had alsways been too honourable to do such an inappropriate thing. 'I know.' He said.

Feeling that the conversation had ended there I walked past him, before I left though, I turned and said: 'I know where he lived. He was actually in the book. I'm gonna go check it out tomorrow so if you and the others want to come...'

'I don't and I'm sure Winner and Barton don't want to come either.'

'Suit yourself.' I thought about what to say next. I had this feeling that I should apologise and fix what was left to be fixed. But I wondered why. I had been doing fine without them for the past two years so why, after this reunion, set up by fate, should we become all buddy buddy again? Still, after short moment of inner conflict, I politely said: 'Goodbye.'

'Farewell.' WuFei retorted in a correcting manner. He had lit a new sigaret.

I turned my head away and slowly distanced myself from him. I started to feel my heart again. It filled up with regret. Not the regret caused by my decision. But the regret that I felt more said about WuFei saying goodbye, than about signing for Heero's death. The fear overwhelmed me that WuFei might have been right. Perhaps Heero did know I would be the coward, looking for the easy way out...

**That was it for today. I have a test tomorrow, it's now 16:50 and I have yet to open my book. How smart is that. I was just hit with... I don't know, can't call it inspiration, more like a primal urge to write ;) So I did. I think it came out rather well, with the same gloomy atmosphere as the previous chapter. I hope I was able to make you curious about what's coming. I sure am, because I have NO IDEA ;) **

**Wish me luck for tomorrow, it's the last test before the final exams. My last chance...**

**Love,**

**Crimson Waterfall**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey there, sorry for not updating in a while, I had a hard time getting started again on this fic, I really like the plot and have some very specific ideas but could never find a way to put it down in black on white. I hope you'll enjoy and I hope you will leave a review!**

**Oh, in case anyone was sincerely interested: my tests went fine and I have pretty stable grades. The final exams are two and a half weeks from now but there is no need for me to worry I can flunk just about every exam and still pass with flying colours. I know, I'm quite the nerd, flame me if you want to but I know it will just be an act of jealousy ;) NERDS RULE! ;)**

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter two**

A cry. A baby's cry. A tone so high and distinctive, reverberating off the walls, there's just no mistaking it. A baby was crying. First thing on my mind is what a strange dream it is I'm having. It's not like I hardly ever dream, I do just about every night, but only about my past, never about unexplainable things like crying babies.

My eyes are closed, my world is black, but a train of thought keeps shooting back and forth in a rythm similar to that of the high pitched whine. Questions. Questions that seem so logical, but fail to make any sense to me at the time. Who is this baby? Where did it come from? Where are the parents? Why is it crying? Why is it here? Why am I dreaming about it?

I stop myself and for a split second everything goes silent as the baby takes a deep breath. Then it cries out again. And again. And again. But there is nothing I can do. I don't know anything about babies.

I've been told just about everyone has dreamt at a certain point in their life of flying, or running away to escape danger of some sorts, but never able to run fast enough, or fly high enough. I've never had such a dream. Perhaps I'm finally having it, my own twisted version of that common dream? What needs to be done is comforting the baby, but I can't move. My body is heavy and I'm falling in and out of consciousness till I can no longer tell what is reality and what is the dream. Only one thing I know for sure, in one of them, a baby is still crying.

Soon I feel something. Clawing at my back. Though I'm wearing a T-shirt I can feel sharp nails scratching me repeatedly, like the paws of a soaked cat, out on the porch, begging to be let in. It takes a while, too long I reckon as the abuse of my back grows more intense, for me to realise I am being spoken to by a voice with an urging tone. I open my eyes. I am awake, yet I can still hear the crying. My brows furrow at this revelation. I wonder if it's a mere echo from the dream I just had but it doesn't appear to it. The crying is just as loud, perhaps louder, than before.

'- be such an ass. Get out.'

Oh, right. Someone was trying to get my attention. Who was it again?

'Duo I'm serious!'

Duo, that must be me. With tremendous effort I turn my body, which rolls over like a heavy log, the bed shifting under the weight. My weight. Dead weight. I'm on my other side now and make preparations to open my eyes. I feel eyes staring at me. With one last sigh I crack my eyes open carefully. It's dark, so it takes a while for my eyes to adjust, a little aid comes from a pale blue streak of moonlight, fighting it's way into the room through an opening between the curtains. I blink and it seems to remedy my poor vision. I can now clearly see a face which I'm sure should be familiar to me. It doesn't take long before I am familiarised with the features and a name comes up from the bottom of my sleep flooded mind. Hilde. Hilde? I blink again and this time it cures my poor memory. The past few years all come back to me and my world is finally starting to make sense. Of course, Hilde. I'm no longer sixteen, I'm twenty-four. I'm not single, I'm married. I no longer save the world on a daily basis, I clean up the mess that is left behind. I am no longer carefree and irrisponsible, I can't, ... I'm a father now.

Of course. Hilde.

'Duo, snap out of it, the baby is crying.'

I give her my best apologetic smile. The amount of precious energy it requires all but staggers me but I don't falter as I speak up with tired voice: 'Honey, I am really tired. I need my rest, I have an important meeting tomorrow... can't you go this time?' For some naive reason I actually had hope that she would fall for this. Goes to show I don't know my wife as well as a husband should.

Hilde snorts and abruptly turns her back to me. She snaps: 'I carried her for nine months. I sacrificed my figure and my career! It's time for you to make sacrifices.'

I opt it's best not to get in the whole dicussion of reminding her that she voluntarily quit her job so she'd have more time for the baby. She leaves no room for argument and I don't feel like pushing my luck. She has won. I get out of bed knowing that I won't be getting any more sleep this night but I reassure myself with the thought that this is just temporarily. Once Hilde has recovered from giving birth last week she'll be willing to help. Then I can get a good night's sleep and I'll be able to get more work done down at the office, that way I can make more money and pay off our debts. It doesn't come without a price; starting a company, buying a house and making a family. But soon this will all be over. And then we can be a family. Perhaps even, eventually, a happy one. Who knew – certainly not I – that this night would be one of the first, of many, many more to come?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A cry. A baby's cry. A tone so high and distinctive, reverberating off the walls, there's just no mistaking it. A baby was crying. First thing on my mind is what a strange dream it is I'm having. I hardly ever dream, my nights used to be quiet and empty. I hardly ever dream, let alone about a crying baby.

Then I realise dully and disappointedly that this is no dream. It's not even a nightmare. It's so much worse. It's reality.

Whèh whèh whèh goes the cry. Is it just me or is she crying even louder than usual? I raise my head, grab my pillow in a strong grip and switch their positions. Now, with my head hidden under the pillow, I make an attempt to fall alseep once more, praying for sleep to come to me fast. Please, just one night, allow me to sleep! Just one night! The crying continues mercilessly, it's not even remotely muffled by the thick pillow that I clutch to my head. She just cries and cries. It's sounds like there is not one, but a dozen babies, all screaming and sobbing and driving me to the edge of insanity. A dozen crying babies, crying louder and louder.

'Hilde, please! I can't take this any longer!' I let out. My voice is loud yet I get no response. Is it possible that she is still sleeping? Is she sleeping through this chaos? If she can sleep through this, why did she insist on moving further away from the noisy L2 Space Port? The whining jet engine of a Gundam could not even emit the same amount of decibels as our daughter's lungs and vocal cords do!

Whèh whèh whèh! Why won't it stop?! In frustration I throw my pillow across the room, I can't even hear it hit the floor, that's how loud she is crying. I can't hear anything, not even my own pleas for mercy and silence. I cover my ears with my hands and clutch them tightly, I can feel my ears going hot because my fingernails are digging into the skin but the physical pain somewhat takes the edge of the continuous mental abuse. 'Hilde! If I have to get out one more time, I swear I'll just shake her till she shuts up!!!' I'm a little shocked at my own words. Could I seriously harm my own daughter?

She cries louder, with a higher pitch.

I gasp. Yes, I could.

'HILDE!!!!' I shoot upright in the bed and whip my head to the left to look at her side. I blink, but the image doesn't change. It's empty. The covers are neathly tucked into the side, only ruffled by my own irratic movements.

'Hilde?' Her absence brings me back to earth, I no longer feel that overwhelming rage that I did before and though the baby is still crying, I hardly register it as I scan the room for traces of my missing wife. I notice the room is different. The furniture is modern, in dark colours and the little decoration there is is black and red. I frown. I can clearly remember my shock when Hilde revealed our bedroom – that she insisted on designing, along with the rest of the house – the furniture was white and the colours of the sheets and decorations were done in many pastel colours. So how did our country style room suddenly turn into a room that is visually appealing to me, like I decorated it myself? I crawl to the foot of the bed to stare in the sharp edged mirror above the dresser. The bags under my eyes are as large and as black as I remember them, so I don't think I'm dreaming. I've never appeared in any of my dreams looking differently than I did when I was sixteen. Perhaps my subconsciousness was not willing to deal with and accept the fact that this is what the years have turned my face into.

The crying comes back to me and before I know it I'm up and standing in the doorway of the babyroom with my eyes bulging out at the sight before me. I see not one, but a dozen cribs, all in which lies a crying baby with red and upset face. The volume of their cries increases till it sounds like a mobile suit hangar, with all the suits taking off at once. It's a continuous high pitched tone that could only be described as the scream of a jet engine and it's getting louder and louder by the second while the faces of the babies grow redder, like their are about to explode.

'Shutup! Shutup! Shutup!' I scream with croak voice. I can't even hear myself, the babies drown out every sound I make, like I'm not even there. My hands tangle into my hair and I pull but I can't feel the pain. My ears are red and burning. My face is contorting, as if in pain, though I don't feel a thing. My whole existance evolves around the crying of the babies; there is nothing else. 'Shut up!!! Shut. UP!!!' I'm crying, I know I am, but I can't feel the tears. All I feel is the burning sensation in my ears and a nagging headache like my head is about to explode. Please make it stop, God, I beg, but God pays me no attention and it seems as if, just to smite me, he makes them cry so loud that the windows start to shake in the stills till they can't handle the vibrations any more and burst out of the wall in a million sharp pieces which cut my skin and leave me bleeding, but I still can't feel.

'SHUT UP!!!!!!' With sweat pouring down my temples, wetting my hair and dampening the pillowcase I jump upright in my bed and I am greeted by my own horrible, messed up reflection in a mirror across the room. An oval shaped mirror with an ugly pink, country style frame. It was a dream. A nightmare. It's been a long while since I'm glad to wake up, no matter how horrible the dream. I am however not completely unsurprised that a portion of my nightmare is contiueing in my reality. As though I never woke up. The baby is still crying, which comes as no surprise.

I turn to shake my wife back into the world of the living. I seek comfort, but my arms reach nothing but empty space. No Hilde. I sigh and nod. Of course, no Hilde. I snort at my own stupidity. Sleep always has this erasing effect on my memory, but it all comes back to me now. There's no use calling out her name – to see if she is in any other part of the house – she's not there to answer to my calls.

With effort I climb out of the comfortable warmth of my bed and my bare feet pad across the soft carpet of the bedroom to the cold hardwood floor in the hallway. I spread my arms out, both connecting with either side of the narrow hallway. The wall is cold and rough to the touch, but I need it for support. Black and white spots are dancing before my eyes, I hadn't eaten properly that day, my diet consisted mostly out of alcoholic beverages. Finally my right hand is touching wood. A door. I lean against the wall while my hands search for the doorknob. My perception of the hallway is far from reality. The walls shake and the floor swings back and forth. Muscles in my legs are straining to keep me balanced as my brain sends messages throughout my body that confuses it into believing I'm on a ship caught in a bad storm. I give up on finding the doorknob and let myself slide down the wall till my butt meets the cold floor. I pull my legs up against my chest and hide my face between them. I start weeping and sobbing, something alien to me, I'm not accustomed to crying, I haven't done so in years. I join my child in crying for help, mercy, attention or whatever it is that she wants, I was never able to figure that out. It's a question that has been keeping me awake night after night after night while she kept on crying.

'I'm sorry...' I whimper and shake my head. 'I'm sorry but daddy doesn't know. Daddy doesn't know what to do! Daddy doesn't know...' My hands are in my hair, holding my head tightly as I fear it might explode from the building pressure, just like in my nightmare. I feel so weak, and like such a failure. I used to save the world, I piloted a Gundam! You'd think I'd done things more complicated than keeping a baby quiet, healthy and happy, but this is turning out to be my mission impossible. There were no mechanicals solutions, no textbook answers. It wasn't a matter of tightening a few screws or adjusting the oil pressure. My callous fingers are not suited for handling anything so fragile as the upset bundle of child that cries for the capable parent God didn't provide her with.

With shaky legs I rise and stumble my way back through the hall to retrieve the phone. I make my way back into the hall and once again lean against the wall next to the door as I hear the tone. I place my hand gently against the door. I'm not going to open it, but it feels reassuring. I tell myself that I've done the best I could, it just wasn't good enough. Not near good enough. One should admit defeat when crippled and uncapable to carry on. I was crippled. My body was fine but my mind was too tired of the abuse. Too tired to carry on. I shed silent tears as the baby keeps on crying.

It's not her fault, that is something I had to remind myself of every night, or else the anger would get to me. It's not her fault. It's not her fault that Hilde wasn't ready to be a mother. It's not her fault that I wasn't ready to be a father. It's not her fault that she wakes up sick every night because daddy can't afford enough of the expensive medication that she needs. It's not her fault.

Finally, the phone is answered, a tired voice, one that I had grown familiar with over the course of the past month or so, grounds out a weak: 'Hello?'

'Donna, I can't. I can't do this.' I whisper.

'Duo? Duo is that you?' Her voice sounds genuinely concerned.

'... Yes...'

'What happened?' She has a soothing effect on me but can't stop the tears from coming. What makes me feel even worse about myself is the selfishness of my sadness. It's not so much because of what I am about to do, but more because I'm afraid people will think less of me once I've done it. Even though Donna assured me it was the right thing to do.

'She's crying again. She's crying again and I can't... TAKE it.'

Donna sighs which creates static through the outdated L2 phone lines. When the connection is restored again I can hear her ask: 'So you've made your decision?'

'Yes. She needs to get out of here. It is best for her and best for me.' I nod to stress my point, even though Donna can't see. I'm just affirming it for myself.

'I'll be right there, stay where you are and stay calm. I'll be right there.' She hangs up the phone without saying goodbye.

I hang up too and sag down to the floor again, the phone in my limp hand, my eyes red rimmed and sightless. For now I feel icnredibly relieved. I'm sure the guilt will come later but now all I can do is enjoy the positive feeling.

Mere minutes later the frontdoor opens. Donna has a key, I gave her one after our first meeting. She requested it and though I should have been cautious, as an ex Gundam pilot, about handing a stranger a spare key, it had felt good, like she had been my official rescue plan from that day on and that I could count on her. My trust in her was not misplaced.

Before long a chubby woman in a pair of jeans and a white shirt that she might have been sleeping in, rounds the corner and enters the hallway. She slows her pace as she spots my pathetic figure slumped on the ground. Donna places her hand on my shoulder and squeezes. I look up at her face to see her smiling at me.

'You've made the right decision Duo. This is the best way of ensuring she will have a bright future.'

'I trust you.' I answer.

She nods and then enters the babyroom. She comes out carrying the crying child. She stands towering above me with her impressive posture while cradling the baby. 'The paper work is in the car.'

I follow her out of the car and wait, with my bare feet on the stone driveway, as she straps the baby into a kiddie seat in the back of her family mini van.

I should have a car like that, I muse, responsible parents have vehicles like that when they start a family. I don't even have a car. I used to, but the old chevy got totalled and there was no money to replace it. Bus fees are costing me an arm and a leg, just to get to work every day.

Donna hands me a small stack of paperwork and shows me where to sign.

I don't need to read it, I already have. Donna has shown me this pack of forms on many other occassions and we've went through it thouroughly. I could just never work up the courage to scrabble my signature on the lines. As I put pen to paper my eyes wonder to the bold lettering at the top of the page. I sigh and in that one breath I sign the final paper. It's done. It's official. All I can think about is how well I'll sleep from now on. Unfortunately I'd find that I was wrong yet again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**ADOPTION FORM**

**HEREBY I, DUO MAXWELL, GIVE UP ALL MY PARENTAL RIGHTS AND HAND ABIGAIL MARGARETH HILDE MAXWELL-SCHBEIKER OVER TO THE BLUE HORIZONS ADOPTION AGENCY.**

DMaxwell 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

That's it for now folks. I'm not entirely pleased with how this turned out, but I think I can manage to live with it. The purpose of this chapter was show Duo's desperation and his struggle in his chaotic life. I was also meaning to create sympathy and understanding for the decision he has just made, because I can't have the Readers hate the main character. I can only hope I succeeded. Please review, tell me if I'm heading in the right direction, I don't want to end up screwing this up like my other stories!

Yours sincerely,

Crimson Waterfall


	4. Chapter 4

Gasp. Yes, it's true, this is, indeed, an update! So far this is my best attempt at a third chapter so I'm just gonna go with it and see where this takes me. This chapter will answer a few questions (I just hope not to many) and hopefully will also make you wonder about some things (and I don't mean the meaning of life, or why we are on this planet).

You have no idea what I've had to go through to get this update here, so you'd better be nice to me!. I had to manually, one by one, delete hundreds of these: ▓ out of my story! It's was horrible! This is what it looked like: I▓m... don▓t... haven▓t... won▓t... Duo said: ▓...▓

They were E▓V▓E▓R▓Y▓W▓H▓E▓R▓E▓ ! ▓ ! ▓ ! ▓ ! It▓s official now, I▓ve lost it...

But back to pretending to be normal:

Everybody, thanks for the reviews on the prequel and chapter one and two, I hope to hear from you again! Love ya'll!

It's still gloomy, it's still sad, Duo is still a mess (if not, even more so) and I hope ya'll still enjoy it! ;)

ADOPTING DUO

Chapter three

The last few months I have been living in the past. It's been a long time since I've been on my own, all alone and now I remember why I disliked it so much. It leaves you with too much time to think, too much silence that stretches from day to day allowing you to hear even your most quiet of thoughts. Most unwanted of thoughts.

The last five months I have been living in the twilight zone, my mind has been wondering back and forth in time. Memories of a past I had thought I had left behind. Decisions have come to haunt me with regret and have eaten me hollow.

The year is AC 206, a long time has past in what feels like the blink of an eye. My mind and body have aged beyond recognition, the person in the mirror, staring at me with dull eyes is a stranger to me, as is the rest of the world. I don't remember the last time I've left the relative safety of this house, a house I can't even afford, bill stacking up. The phone has been disconnected weeks ago but that has affected my life in no way. Who out there knows my number and cares enough to call? The only person, from the real world, I have contact with is Donna, who keeps me posted on the developments in Abby's adoption process. I told her I didn't want to know. I told her I want to forget. But she refuses to listen. She'll probably stop by today, the first sunday of the month August. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, children are laughing but... I never cared for that stuff anyway. Now it is just downright painful to hear.

In between Donna's visits I have been making trips down memory lane. No matter how horrible the past may be, it beats the present any time. At least in the past there is something. There are feelings. Though they be hurt, pain and regret, at least I felt something. Feelings are what tells you you are alive. Now, I appear to be dead on the inside.

I seat myself on the couch in my usual seat and close my eyes. I think of nothing, than the flashbacks will come to me. I enjoy them now, I no longer block them out, I'm no longer afraid of them. They are the reason I get up in the morning, they are the only thing that evoke some feeling and stir something within my heart, which, lately has been nothing more of a romantic organ than any other in my body. It's keeping me alive, but at the same time, it's emptiness is killing me.

**AC 199 - April 12th - morning**

With a yawn, a stretch and four long strides I'm out of the bedroom and into the livingroom, squinting at the bright sunlight that hits the apartment head on. I overslept so I didn't risk being late on the job by showering and merely used some more cologne and made sure that the shirt and pants I was wearing were clean, instead of simply appearing to be. In a way this makes me feel more normal, I'm like the normal young men of my age who can't find the time to shower in between studying and partying. It are those little things that I can live on for days. I extract all the happiness and joy out of them, as much as I can, what else is there to laugh about? Life is still as tough, if not, even more so, as it used to be, but at the same time there is some comfort. Besides the hardships of day to day life and memories of a past best forgotten, there is freedom, something I have never known before.

I look at the clock, if I don't leave right now I was going to be late anyway, then I might as well be very late and use the time to shower. I rush downstairs and pass through the lobby in a hurry, I was nearly outside the revolving door when the landlord, sitting behind a desk in the hallway calls out: 'Eleven B?'

11 B, that was me, or, my apartment at least. I turn on my heels and face him as my mind reels. Did I pay the rent this month? I remember giving him money but maybe I'm mistaken... maybe that was last month already.

'No sweat.' The rough looking middle aged man croaks out with his hoarse voice, adding a little amused laugh. 'You have mail.' He spoke and pointed towards the mailboxes behind him with his thumb.

With a deep frown on my face I approach the mailboxes. I never have mail, not even leaflets, so this must be a mistake. I musn't get my hopes up, it was probably for 11 A, I hear from other tennants that the mailman mixes up A and B often enough.

'It was brought in the day before yesterday. I'd thought you'd find it on your own but since it's still there... I thought maybe you didn't notice.' The landlord continued.

I reached my mailbox, 11B. In it was a small box, the sides said 'THIS SIDE UP' and then a thick red arrow pointing upwards, on the lid was my adress, written nearly unlegibly and a red stamp with the word 'FRAGILE'. I lift it out of my mailbox, which is nothing but a shelf with 11B written on the white painted wood and stare at my package in wonder.

'Aren't you gonna open it?' The landlord asked, a hint of curiosity in his voice.

I figured that since I was late already, I might as well make use of the privacy of my apartment to open it. It must be something important. The date on it said it had been sent three months prior, so it must come from afar, Earth possibly. A small blue stamp with a globe on it confirms my suspicions. With growing, uncontainable excitement and anxiety I go back upstairs. In the elavator I'm already working the lid. Once upstairs in front of my apartment I curse when my haste causes me to drop my keys, prolonging the wait. Finally, it's open! I throw the door closed behind me and drop down on my couch, I set the box on my modern, glass and metal coffeetable and then my hands freeze in mid air, just as I am reaching for the lid.

The gravity of it hits home.

I have never received official mail in my entire life and the fact that it comes all the way from Earth increases the odds that this is from Quatre, Trowa or WuFei and I haven't heard from them since December AC 198, when I had seen them last in Chicago County hospital.

I take a deep breath, shake the frost of my hands and then go for it. Unceremonically I rip it open, nearly forgetting to be careful. When it's open there is still no identifying the content as it is wrapped in papertowels for protectiong, but trapped between the object and the innerwall of the small cardboard box was an envelope. I pull it out and note the handwriting, similar to that on the outside of the box, spelling out my name. My heartrate speeds up and my excitement could best be compared with watching a horrormovie. The kind of excitement you feel knowing the man with the axe can walk in any moment... you're just waiting for it...

_Dear Duo Maxwell,_

_I know you had changed your mind about taking anything with you, but I figured this is the least I could do. I know that the judges decision isn't what you were hoping for and I can empathise. I'm sorry for your loss and I know this will, in no way, make you feel any better but the apartment has been sold and for some reason I couldn't stand the thought of this being destroyed. I agree with you. He is dead, in spite of what the heartmonitor says, and what should be kept alive of him, is his memory, not his body._

_Again, I am sorry for your loss._

_Me and misses Graham pay our respect_

_J.K. Walker (Landlord)_

I'm not sure if I'm still breathing. The information in the letter overwhelmes me. I thought it was over, I thought the chapter had been closed but... aparently this is a never ending story. What he is telling me is that Heero's body is still alive. I shouldn't be surprised that, in the end, Quatre got his way. However, I am surprised that no had the decency to contact me. Since no one called me I figured the judge had ruled in my favor. How could he have overruled Heero's last wish?!

So many feelings are raging within my body that I have a hard time picking one. I feel angry, betrayed, sad, lost but also... a little relieved. Relieved that the decision was no longer mine but there came no freedom with that knowledge, because the thought of him, still lying in that pale hospital bed was a thought that would never leave me in peace. What they have done is insulting to both me and Heero. They spat us both in the face by overruling our decisions.

Heero should be dead. He deserves to die. Death will come as a relief to him... and to me. He deserves to die after what he's put me through! The emotional rollercoaster. Everyone must think I got off easy, fleeing at the very first opportunity. Why can't they see that I am a victim too? Why can't they see that I am the one most hurt by this immature, final act of the great Heero Yuy, war legend, friend of the people, saviour of the free world? He had no right making me responsible. If he was so set on killing himself he should have shot himself in the head. That way he would have atleast saved many people of the pain they will forever feel at this tragic loss. Miss Graham, mr. Walker, Relena, Quatre, Trowa, WuFei... me... This last act of him proves that he had not changed one bit. He still didn't know what love was, or sympathy, empathy or kindness. He was still the same emotionless bastard he always was and he insulted every emotionally capable human being in history by even daring to say he has found love!

I don't know how I got from being angry at Quatre for doing this, to being angry at Heero, but I was and the feeling was overwhelming but also liberating, as if I had been denying this anger all this time. I had every right to be angry. One way or another I had been betrayed by every single one of them. The people I considered my friends!

With that in mind I forcefully grab what I instantly knew was the mintgreen mug, still in it's papertowel packaging, out of the box, I heard something snap at my brutal way of handling it and figured it was the broken ear that Heero had painstakingly glued on, probably planning his own fucking death as he did so, but I did not care, not one bit. I stood up, pulled by arm back and then, without a second thought, only an enraged yell, I threw the mug at the wall. I could hear the shattering sound as it made contact and then some more as it fell to the carpeted floor. The heap, contained by the paper, was as of now unrecognisable as a mug. I pant, staring at the remains of it on the floor. My rage begins to subside and I unclench my fist. Waves of remorse crash over me and I instantly regret shattering the mug. Unable to stand the sight of it, with Heero face flashing before my eyes, I run. Out of the apartment, out of the building. I might have ran through the entire L2 colony, I wouldn't know, I was besides myself. But no matter how fast, or how far I ran, I could not get away from the sight of his face, the smell of his hair, the feel of his skin. He was everywhere. In front of me. Behind me. Right. Left. Above. Beneath. Outside. Inside. I knew that it was his body that still bound his soul to the world of the living and I knew that as long as that empty body was breathing, there would be no escaping his wondering soul and there wasn't anything I could do about that, exept accepting it.

It is the sound of knocking on my frontdoor that awakens me and brings me back to the present. The time I dislike so much. I rise to open the door for Donna, the only connection between me and the real world. I wasn't looking forward to her updates on Abby's adoption process, but I knew there was no ignoring the woman, she was relentless and I knew that if I didn't open the door, she would call the police. It has happened before.

When I open the door, I don't think it is the sudden exposure to sunlight, but her bright smile that blinds me. Her eyes twinkle with something I have never seen before and it unnerves me. I'm used to seeing her gloomy. Something was up and I'm not sure if it would make me as happy as it made her. I stepped aside to let her in, but she couldn't even hold back the 'delightful' news long enough to enter the house. She just blurted with her powerful voice, maintaining her smile: 'We have a couple!'

Though this might not make sense to anyone else, it made perfect sense to me. As she stepped inside and she opened all the blinds and curtains while I resign to the couch, I conclude that this means a couple is willing to adopt Abby. This is the kind of news that should make me happy. The long proces was coming to an end and it should be a relief for me, as well as Donna and Abby. But... it isn't. Strangely, I also don't feel nothing. What I feel is a new wave of regret. Perhaps I never really believed it was going to happen until now, now that it is happening. Perhaps subconsciously I always believed I would get her back, some way, even though that was unlikely. I lost my job. Have no money. Am in debt. Can't make it through one day without alcohol. Haven't shaved in three months. Haven't showered in three days. Haven't been outside in five months. Haven't talked to anyone other than Donna and a judge, to confirm my decision, in seven months...

Donna interrupts me. 'Aren't you happy?' Her question sounds like she is not all that surprised.

'I'm happy for Abby. I don't quite know about me.' I admit.

Donna nods in understanding. She is always understanding, even when I'm not making any sense. 'It is always hard. We've reached a point of no return.' She says softly, allowing her words to sink in. 'No matter what... parents always keep believing that...' She frowns, she doesn't know how to finish. 'They just. They keep believing. Mostly in the fact that one day they would get their child back.'

With a bitter smile I nod at that. The smile is the only thing that keeps me from crying, that and the fact that I refuse to make eyecontact, even though I know how much she dislikes that.

'Duo, I don't mean to be harsh on you. But you have to face it. They really want to adopt her. All they have to do is sign the papers, then it's over. Over, Duo.' She clarifies, like I'm a retard. 'And you haven't quite made an effort to get her back.' She scans the messy livingroom and knows other parts of the house, the bedroom for instance, are even worse than this. The only tidy room that remains is the nursery, but that is only because I hadn't dared to step inside that room ever since...

'I know. I'm a mess.' I admit, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable after noticing the empty bottle of liqour standing on the coffeetable. She must have noticed it too, it was right in her line of sight as she looks at me. My scrawny figure, a living body, but rotting away like the dead. My face is hairy and I'm sitting slouched on the couch in blue sweats and a white T-shirt that used to fit me perfectly, but is now a size or two too big. My hair is a mess. I wear it loose now, because I can't comb it out enough to manage to braid it. One handful of chestnut hair is significantly shorter than the rest. In an angry, drunken fit I had attempted to cut it off, but as the coward that I am I could not continue. I remember that night. I had called the paramedics, begging for help, saying that I was bleeding tod eath. They rushed over and forcefully opened the door, only to find me sitting on the bathroom floor holding a fistful of severed hands, the only thing bleeding being my dignity. I am a pathetic excuse of a human being.

'You should go see someone.' She says after a long silence.

'I don't have to, I'm not sick. Well... just a little cold...' I shrug. Actually I have been sniffling, coughing and feeling dizzy for two weeks straight, but she probably knows that already. I'm not the first mess she has seen.

'Yes you are Duo. Not only physically but also-'

I suddenly grow angry and point my bony finger with dirty nail at her. 'I am not crazy!'

She leans back a bit, being cautious. I'm not entirely drunk, but couldn't be called sober either. She has to consider that I could become dangerous if I have a violent outburst. 'I'm not saying you are, but you need help Duo. I'm worried about you.'

I roll my eyes and lean over to the coffeetable to fetch my pach of cigarettes and a lighter. I don't remember when I started smoking. One day I wasn't, the next day I couldn't do without. I perch one cigarette between my lips and light it. The nicotine calms me and I tell her that she doesn't have to worry about me killing myself. As I say so there are flashes of a dead face in the smoke, along with the sight of an empty bed, stained with a few drops of blood and an empty pill canister. I hide the chill it gives me, Donna doesn't know about it and I certainly don't want to get her asking.

'Going through life the way you are is far worse than killing yourself Duo.'

I frown at her. 'Are you trying to talk me into hanging myself?'

'I am trying to talk you into getting help.'

I snort. I expect for her to leave. She has given me the update and she usually stays no longer than necessary, without a baby in my life, I am none of my business and as soon as Abby has been adopted she will be off my case.

But she doesn't leave, which leads me to suspect there is more. 'Anything else?'

'The adoption is a little complicated and it turns out you have to be more involved than you want to be.' She lets out in a single breath.

I stare at her for a moment. She is nervous, she knows she has to ask me something i will never agree to, I can feel it. 'Your odds go up by asking, but expect no more.'

'The reigns have tightened ever since the upheaval of last months.'

I raise my eyebrow in question. 'No tv.' I remind her, pointing at the blank screen.

'Right... well... It turned out an adoption agency had taken away a child without the parents consent and placed her into the care of a family back on Earth. Now the child is missing, the adoption agency has also packed up and disappeared and all that is left is a frantic mother in desperate search of her child... So the senator decided to tighten the reigns on adoptions.'

'Meaning?' I ask impatiently.

'Meaning every biological parent has to visit and aprove of an adoptive family, when living outside L2, before the child can be given away.'

I choke on the nicotine smoke and nearly swallow the cigarette. 'That is bullshit!!! They can't make us do that! Can they?'

'They can and they will.'

I stand and push out the cigarette on the surface of the coffeetable. 'Well, than that's too bad, I'm not participating.' I turn my back to her and walk in the direction of the kitchen, I need something stronger than nicotine and the need is enough to overrule all logic thought and steer me towards the nearest liquor bottle. Before I open it she starts on the guilt trip.

'Don't you want the best for your daughter?! Are you really so selfish that you will only allow her to be adopted by a family on L2 just because you are too much of a coward to get involved?!'

I turn to face her and see that she has risen out of her seat and looks flushed with anger.

'I'm sorry.' She says, after composing herself. She makes no eyecontact and instead focusses on straightening her long black skirt. 'I was out of line.'

I don't even register her words, I just stare at the ground. I know she was right, what I don't know was if I'm strong enough to bring myself to do it. To go all the way to God knows where... L1, L3, L4... or even worse... Earth... and meet these people who are better than me and admitting they are so by giving them my own flesh and blood. But it's not just a strike to my pride. I don't know if I can give her away a second time, seeing how much emotional hurt came when I gave her to Donna. I am still unsure if it was the right choice. I want to do what is right, but I have a difficult time acknowledging what is right and what is wrong. What might be wrong for me, could well be very right for Abby. No wait, she's not Abby anymore. Abby was my baby and this baby girl is not mine anymore. I have no baby and therefore Abby no longer exists.

Donna must have noticed my inner conflict. She approached me with quiet steps till she was standing only a few feet away from me. With calm and gentle voice she spoke: 'Duo, I know it's hard but... It's the right thing to do.'

I wince at that. Those words do more to me and mean more to me than she will ever know.

**AC 205 - February 2nd - Afternoon**

Hilde's face was red and her fists were clenched at her sides, her shoulders drawn up. She looked ready to explode and it came as no surprise to me that she did. 'Why?! 'Why?' you ask?! Because it's the right thing to do!' She screamed at me at the top of her lungs, giving me an accusing, narrow-eyed look. She continued venomously: 'But you wouldn't know that? Would you? Because you can't do right things!'

Indignified and hurt I pushed the chair in which I was seated back a bit, trying to increase the distance between us. But I wasn't about to sit back and let her bulldozer over me like that. In my defense I yelled back 'That's bull! I started this company, didn't I? And that's not because it's such a goldmine, because it isn't!' I finished sarcastically. With wide eyes I awaited her response and I'd better prepare for the intensity of her fury.

Hilde rolled her eyes theatrically and took a stance with her hands arrogantly perched on her hips. Her face continued to display impressive shades of red as she spat back at me with nothing other than murder in her eyes 'Oh come on!' She leaned in, shaking her head 'We both know you only did that to pay off your own guilt! You didn't do it for the greater good of mankind! You did it for yourself! EVERYTHING you do, you do for yourself!'

Rising from my seat I pointed a warning finger at her as I defended my honour. 'I have done plenty of 'right things'!' I didn't feel the need to point out to her how many times I had risked my life during the war to save that of others, I think she is well aware of those statistics. Looking at her face now, I also think she couldn't be less impressed.

She looked smug, like she had me cornered and she knew it. She went in for the kill. With a sarcastic, arogant tone she said: 'Oh?' her face twisted into mock surprise. 'I wonder what Heero has to say about THAT!'

I edge back, bitten, stung, stabbed... I could not believe she brought... him, into this. We had silently agreed never to speak of him ever again and quite frankly, I thought she was better than this. I thought she was the bigger person and wouldn't stoop down to the level she is now at. She might even be consciously manipulating me, very much unlike the good friend she has been to me ever since we met up, here on L2... nearly six years ago.

'Yeah, it's not like we can ask him though. Tell me Duo, was what you did to him the 'right thing' to do?'

'Duo? Duo?'

A hand decended on my shoulder and made me plunge back into reality. I look up to find Donna standing next me, looking at me with big, concerned eyes. I swallow to wet my sandpaper dry throat. It hurts, so I take a swig out of the bottle in my hand, my face contorting as I identify the strong concoction as port. Definitely not my favorite morning drink.

'Are you okay?' She sounds a little less concerned, probably concealing the anger she feels at witnessing me drinking alcohol on a sunday morning.

As soon as I've managed to swallow the moutful, barely able to withhold myself from spitting it out, I say softly with raspy voice: 'I'll do it.'

She didn't hear me. 'What?'

'I said-' I scrape my throat, my voice had been barely audiable. 'I said I'd do it.' I don't look at her but from the corner of my eyes I see her face light up and her eyes start to twinkle gratefully.

'Really?'

'Yes.' I reply bitterly. I roll my eyes up and to the left to make eyecontact with her. 'I want to do the right thing.' I nod at that and look away. I was totally unprepared for her next move. I gasp and then stood silently, shocked, frozen in time and space, as she hugged me. Without any modesty her strong arms pressed my scrawny frame against her plump figure.

'Thank you Duo. It really is the right thing.' She breathes against my neck. I may no longer be muscular, but at least I'm still tall.

It really was the right thing to do, right? I wasn't doing it because it made me feel good. In fact, I don't remember the last time agreeing to do something that made me as miserable as this did. So it couldn't have been an act of selfishness, it really was just... right. Or did I only do it because, no matter how how horrid and painful, I knew the guilt I would experience if I declined her request would be far worse?

'I know this is difficult for you.' She let me go, allowing me to breathe once more. 'You won't regret it.'

I frown. I already do. 'So... where is this roadtrip taking me?'

'Earth.' She beemed.

I was afraid of that. 'Earth is a big place, could you narrow it down for me?'

'The United States of America.'

My face visibly paled.

'Something wrong with that? I thought it would only be best, afterall, you're American, so Abby is too... for fifty percent.'

'Couldn't you find a nice family in Germany?' I spat.

Donna frowned at me. 'What is wrong with America?' She shook it off. 'It doesn't matter, it really is the perfect family. They flew up here two weeks ago, to meet her and instantly fell in love. They are really nice and warm people and I think they'll be capable parents -'

She rattled on but I tuned her out. Not only did I have to give away my own daughter, but I'd also have to go down to Earth... To America. I don't know if I was able to handle being so close to... him. Relatively speaking of course. America is a big country, what are the odds that they live in or around Chicago? I blurted out a question before I even realised I wanted to know. 'Where exactly do they live?'

Donna went wild with enthousiasm. 'Oh my God! I've pictures of the house! It is perfect! It is this adorable, but spacious house in the suburbs JUST outside Joliet, Illinois.'

Oh no. 'How close to Chicago is that?'

That's all folks!

Wow, I must say, I'm not all that unsatisfied with how this chapter turned out... I think the pace of the story is still good and I have to mind that carefully because I tend to rush in and I don't want to screw up this story. I still like the plot, it meets most of my fanfiction requirements some of those being angst (I love that!), drama and mature, complicated relationships. Even if I do say so myself, I think my writing has improved greatly (not my spelling, mind you, that still sucks, feel free to flame) but when I compare this to my other fics like Twisting Dimensions (God I HATE that story, I'm thinking about deleting it) and the beginning of My Sister Ain't Home, I really think I've come a long way. But that's just my ego talking.

I hope I'll soon find the courage to put pen to paper (more like 'finger to keyboard') once more and write a fourth chapter.

Untill then...

Love,

Crimson Waterfall

PS: the chapter was a bit longer than it is now but I deleted a major part of it, I realised that I was giving away too much of the plot and it's way too early in the story to be doing that! Hides under desk SORRY!


	5. Chapter 5

**Here I am yet again. I'm home sick right now and decided to finally write an end to this chapter. I don't really like it, but I am too impatient to rewrite it. I want to get to the good stuff (or atleast, the part of the story that I like most and can work best with). **

**Just so you know: I am also working on new stories and, as you might have noticed 'My Revenge Down The Drain' (I hate that title and it's no longer fitting, but what the hell) is OFF hiatus. Haven't updated it yet, but I expect to be doing so soon. Finally got Duo's powers figured out, a bit unorginal but they are my favorite supernatural power as a real fan of nature (now you figure out what they are ;)) and I've got the details of the plot worked out.**

**Well, now that you are fully updated, I will get to business:**

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter four**

Stepping through the dark room I passed a back up supply of respirators and heartmonitors and three abandoned beds, tightly made, smelling of death and cleaning product till I finally reach the back of the room. The bed in the back was shielded from the rest of the room and business of the brightly lit hallway by a colourful striped curtain. Behind it I could hear what the doctors perceived as 'signs of life'. Labored breathing, in the same rythm as the mechanical sighs of the respirator. The continuous beep of several monitors, each all with their own unique melody, the one more annoying and mind-numbing than the other. Other than that I could hear footsteps rushing back and forth down the hall. The squeek of gymshoes on the laminated floors. In the distance the sounds were accompanied by voices, people speaking softly. I roll my eyes at their whispers. Is there really a need to quiet in the coma-ward? If someone would wake up from the noise, wouldn't that only be a good thing?

The curtain moves, swinging as I touch it featherlightly. I push harder and the cloth swings back and forth harder. But no matter how long I agitated the curtain, their came no annoyed response from the only occupant of the room. Guess he's still dead.

I'm so afraid to open the curtain, afraid to see what he looks like after seven years of uninterrupted sleep. What does coma do to the body? Does it preserve the body or does it age it even faster? I let out a nervous chuckle as I picture myself opening the curtain and finding myself staring at someone who is definitely not Heero. I voice my amusement. 'I'm gonna laugh my ass off when you turn out to be someone else.'

No response, and for some reason that makes it less funny than it was.

'You'd better be properly covered up.' I warn and then step sideways to where the distasteful curtain met the white wall. Gently I take hold of the edge of the curtain and push it to the right slightly. Creating a gap large enough for me to peek through. I press the side of my face against the wall, feeling the cold seep into my head through my cheek, giving me chills. Annoyed I frown as I see the curtain sufficiently blocks out all the light coming in fron the hallway and behind it it is too dark to make out anything other than a bed with a dark form lying on it. The only thing I can clearly see are the red, green and blue lettering on the many monitors surrounding the bed and the plastic tube invading the body through the mouth, reflecting some of those colours.

I take a deep breath and as I let it out I forcefully push the curtain away. It easily slides away, allowing light to greet the pale figure on the bed since God knows how long. I look at him, waiting. Waiting for any sort of response. But there is nothing, not even a twitch of the finger or a slight change to the rythm of his breathing. Nothing.

'Yep. You're still dead, allright.' My voice is inappropriately loud but it's not as though he can hear me, right?

Cautiously I close the distance between myself and the metal edge of the bed, I hover above his face and close as the invasive tube allows. 'Heero?' I groan inwardly at my own stupidity. But I couldn't help but wonder what I would do and how I would feel if he would suddenly open his eyes and stare right back at me.

My hands searches the wall for a light switch and when I finally find one a small light at the left side of his bed flicks on, enough to properly illuminate his face. The white light does his complexion no good. He is pale as a ghost, his skin appears see-through, I can even see some blue veins running through his exposed neck.

I frown apon the realisation that he hasn't aged much. Not one bit even I reckon. He looks the same as last time, only just a little paler, making the chocolate mob of hair seem darker. No wrinkles, no baggy eyes... He looks smaller though, less muscular, but it's mot like I had expected him to be buff after years of lying on his back, being fed through a tube in his nose.

Standing here, looking at him, remembering him so vividly I could have spoken to him yesterday fills me with confused feelings. I've missed him, I dare to admit that. He wasn't the most open and talkative of people, but how could he? Than he would be me. He was, silent, bastard Heero and I am man enough to admit that open, talkative Duo missed his snorts, arrogance and occasional snotty remarks. However, I don't know if I missed that enough to wish he would wake up. Maybe I'm just fooling myself, thinking I missed those things. And even if I did, did they outweigh all the things I hated about him? All the things that made him and 'us' so complicated and hard? Harder than a friendship should be. But my reasons weren't all selfish. Heero's life sucked, or at least, he obviously thought so himself. Heero did not enjoy life and chose to end it so there is no need to feel remorseful about that. I never came to visit, neither did the others, but Heero also did not invite us. And maybe he only had enough dishes for one person, not because he did not expect us to come because he thought of us as horrible people, but because he didn't want us to come because he thought of us as horrible people. So why should we be left here feeling guilty? He is the one to blame! It's all his own fault.

No it isn't. I know it isn't. I wish that was the truth but I know better. Afterall, I'm not blaming myself for not calling Quatre and asking him about Heero's state, I blame Quatre for not contacting me.

I sigh lengthily. I shouldn't have come here. I was looking for answers, but all I found were more questions and more confusement on the matter. Gently my fingers touch his bangs as I wonder about trivial things like who washes him and how and how he... 'relieves' himself, how deep the tubes go into his nose and how deep did the one in his mouth go. And why is he still on a respirator? I know for a fact not all comatose people need help breathing, I saw so with my own eyes when I accidentally walked into the wrong room earlier. Stupid nurse and her vague directions.

I just stand there, looking at his face, my head tilted. I remember reading somewhere that humans spend 1/3 of their life sleeping and I remember joking to Heero that in his case it was only ¼, of course he didn't think it was funny and I guess it really wasnt. But it makes me laugh now though, as the silly thought runs through my head that he sure is catching up now.

I laugh. 'You remember the time, at the beginning of the first war... you know, the night before you stole my parts? Anyway, you remember you worked ALL night and I came out of bed like three times with comments like: 'I don't know how it works on YOUR planet, but here, when it's dark, we SLEEP'...?' My laughter subsides at his silence. 'Yeah, you didn't think it was funny then, either... I don't even know why I'm talking to you... it's stupid really... Really stupid...' But that just me. The stupid one. The 'baka'. Still don't really know what exactly 'baka' means but my guess is that it isn't anything along the lines of 'friend' or 'buddy' or something even remotely complimentary. 'It means 'stupid', doesn't it? 'Baka'?'

The monitor answered me with it's ever monotone: BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...

I laugh again. 'This might even be the most intelligent conversation we've ever had!'

BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...

'But I didn't come here to talk.' I whisper. 'I've come here to say goodbye.'

My eyes leave his face and stray to the machinery surrounding him. I look at the respirator and follow the tube all the way to his face, to his mouth. In a steady rythm his chest rises and falls as the machine pumps oxygen into his lungs and then sucks out the carbondioxide. Who knew that something so natural, something so human, could become so technical?

I reach out my hand and touch the tube, a few centimeters above his mouth, with the tip of my indexfinger. From there on I push my hand further forward sliding four out of five of my fingers across the tube and stopped when the tube was in the crook between my thumb and indexfinger. I closed my hand around the tube, the plastic was to hard and too thick to squeeze shut, but I knew how to work these things. However, just when I was about to reach for the mouthpiece I was startled by a loud knock on the wide open door to the hospital room. My blood runs cold and my body trembles with nerves. Thankfully whoever it was could not see what I was doing as my body was blocking their line of sight. I slowly pull back my hands and hope he or she believed I was just touching his face.

I finally turn to find a handsome looking docter leaning in, his knuckles still hovering near the door. As we make eyecontact he smiles at me, baring his perfect white teeth. I'm glad he smiles, it means he didn't see anything.

'Visiting hours are nearly over.' He glanced at Heero, lying exactly as I found him. His look makes me even more nervous, but I try to remain calm and composed. He fixes his pretty blue eyes on me once more and there is no suspicion, just kindness within them. 'Did you uh... get what you came for?'

I return his smile but don't reply. What was I supposed to say? No, I haven't, could you please leave so I can kill him?

He must have picked up on my uncertainty, he straightens and tells me that I can stay a little bit longer. 'I won't tell.' He jokes.

My smile falters and I nod as a poor excuse of a thank you.

He nods back at me and in a flash he is gone, the end of his long white coat trailing behind him, till finally out of view.

I let out the breath I had been holding and turn immediately. No time to take this slow, who knows when he comes back? Unceremonically I take hold of the thick tube once more, with my right hand and grab the light blue mouthpiece with my left. Holding the mouthpiece securely I tighten my hold on the tube and then gave it a curt twist it. That was all it took to seperate the tube from the mouthpiece that was taped to his lips. With a sigh that sounds like a failed attempt at a whistle through the narrow opening of the mouthpiece, Heero's chest deflates and moves no more. I push the tube to the side and it falls off the bed, I can still hear the machine 'breathing' but it's doing no one any good.

The heartrate excelerates for a while but then quickly starts to slow down further and further.

BEEP... BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP

Only God knows how long I stood there, staring at his face, taking in the sharp angles of his features and lingering on the thick, long eyelashes that rested on high cheekbones. Unlike people who were 'alive' he didn't struggle as he was deprived of oxygen. There was no one in there to protest. Just silent acception by his body that had been slowly dying anyway over the past few years, withering away like a rose that was desperately kept alive.

Finally, like some bittersweet relief the rythm of the monitor was interrupted by a loud, schreeching beep, announcing the end of the earthly remains of Heero Yuy.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

'NOOOO!!!' I screamed and shook violently awake. I was sitting upright, in a chair but I was not able to register much more than that. Was this a dream or another one of my flashbacks? Sweat is trickling down the sides of my face, I can feel it. And my clammy hands are grasping the armrests. A voice is calling out to me but I only realise at the third time my name is called out.

'Duo? Duo? Duo?'

I look to the side and allow my vision to adjust. It's Donna. I've never been so glad to see her. People were staring at me, I could tell and that reminded me of where I was. ITC shuttle 003 from L2 to Earth, about to depart. In panic I looked around the grey and white passenger cabin, I was starting to hyperventilating, but could not controle myself. I panted out 'I can't go to earth.'

She frowned at me 'Duo, what's the matter with you?!'

'I can't do it! I can't go to earth!' I begged her to understand, but for the first time, she didn't and kept staring at me in confusement. 'I don't know if I'll be able to controle myself! I don't know if I'll be able to stop myself!!'

'Stop yourself from doing what?!'

I swallowed. I needed her to understand, but at the same time I didn't want her to understand at all. She musn't know about the dream I just had. She musn't know that I've been having this dream nearly everyday for the last month, ever since I agreed on going to earth. The thought that it was happening and the thought that the dream, the nightmare, could become reality was too frightening and too much for me to take. 'Abort the launch!' I called, hoping to catch the attention of a stewardess. 'I have to get off this shuttle!' I was already fumbling with my seatbelt, which was so tight I felt it would crush me into the seat and break my ribs. I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

'It's a little late for that.' The passenger next to me, in the windowseat, said to me.

I turned my sweaty head to face her, putting a hold on my panic attack as her words caught my attention.

She gestured out the small, reinforced window. 'We're already halfway there.'

My eyes shift from her old face to the window that showed the vast expanse of darkness outside. In the distance the glisten of the large L1 colony could be seen and beyond that were the twinkling stars. A beautiful sight to behold... on any other occasion.

I bury my face into my hands. Calm down Duo, I said to myself. It's gonna be okay. Breathe. Breathe.

A stewardess finally came to check on me but Donna politely brushed her off before turning her concerned attention back to me.

'Okay Duo, you have my undevided attention. Spill it.'

'I don't know what your talking about.' I lied, the sound muffled as my face was still covered by my sweating palms.

She probably rolled her eyes at that. 'Why are you so reluctant to go to earth and what in the world did you just dream about?' She demanded.

'It wasn't a dream.' I mumbled, shuddering at the memory. 'It was a nightmare.'

'I know. In fact, the whole shuttle knows.'

I groan.

'Duo, tell me. What happened? And what is going to happen if you can't stop yourself?'

I shake my head. In the distance I can hear my younger self screaming while beating a defenseless friend. 'HEERO, YOU ARE DEAD SO WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!!!!' That was real. That happened. I lost control, I completely lost control and there are no garantees that I won't lose it in the future. Who knows what I had done if Quatre, Trowa and WuFei hadn't come in to stop me? Who knows what I'll do without them there to stop me now?

My dream is always the same. It starts the same and it ends the same. I land on earth, for some reason, Donna and Abby aren't with me. I am all alone. The world is grey and in each dream I wonder why, i did not remember earth being so grey. I miraculously arrive at the hospital and always ask a young nurse for directions. And always she gets it wrong and I end up in the wrong room. I find the room on my own. I say the same things to him, time and time again. Each time I reach for the tube the first time, someone interrupts me. It is always a male docter. And he is always handsome and he never knows what is going on. And Heero's body never struggles or convulses when I remove the tube. And I always wake up as the monitor starts screeching.

It's the most realistic dream I've ever had. And it's this realism that frightens me most. In the morning I can never distinct if it was a mere dream, or a horrid memory. It's not like a dozen babies that sound like a mobile suit and shatter the windows, it's real, it could happen.

'Duo?'

Oh, right, Donna. 'It's nothing.'

'Duo.' She warns.

'It's nothing, okay? Let's just get this over with.' I cast a wary glance in the direction of the baby resting peacefully in Donna's arms, her plump lips wrapped around Donna's equally plump finger. She suckled on my finger too, just after she was born, the first time I held her. Holding her had made me feel on top of the world and it is for that distant memory that I knew I had to do this. Holding her no longer made me feel like that and she deserved to be someone who's heart fluttered as her tiny hands hold on to their finger. That person was not me and that assured me that I was doing the right thing. Children should be raised by parents who love to, not by a parent who feels obliged to. 'Let's just get this over with.' I repeated and tear my gaze away from the youngster in Donna's arm and direct it to the window, looking at L1, which we slowly pass. I stare lengthily, but as it slowly floats out of sight, I sigh and turn my attention to the videoscreen in the back of the seat in front of me. Disappointedly I admit to myself that nothing made my heart flutter anymore.

**I know. It's a strange chap huh? But like i said, I just want to get on with the story, otherwise I risk losing my interest in it alltogether and though some of you might not agree, I think that would be a bad thing, I like still like this plot, I just hope I can pull it off. **

**See you in the afterlife,**

**Crimson Waterfall**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello peoples!! Yes, it's another update, no, I also don't know where this suddenly came from, but I like it! Ahuh ahuh (note to self: Never, I say NEVER, watch **_**Bruce Almighty**_** again and/or eat sugar)**

**I got NO reviews whatsoever for the last two chapters and still I uodate, now that goes to show how much I love you guys ;) I'm just gonna draw my own conclusions; No news, is good news ;)**

**Yes, I'm hyper. Yes, I drank two cans of Red Bull... No, I don't like the stuff. Yes, I'm crazy.**

**Yes, I'm going to shut up now.**

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter five**

The spaceport was busy. Too many people roaming about in all possible directions, ruthlessly pushing past oneanother, some justify it with haste, others are just arogant. The atmosphere was as violent and unwelcoming as the people were. It was a hot day. Too hot. Leaving people on edge no matter how thin their shirts and how short their pants. They all had wet hair, wet armpits, wet backs and uncomfortable and agitated looks on faces hid partially by large dark sunglasses which provided necessary protection against the bright sunlight, coming in through the twenty foot tall glass front facade of the architectural marvel doubling as the Chicago Spaceport. The giant, tall, glass wall revealed the brilliant blue colors of earths protective atmosphere, not a poor excuse of a cloud in sight, just white trails of condensed air. White stripes across a perfectly blue canvass, painted by incoming and leaving spaceshuttles and airplanes. Just outside the front facade, flanking the grand exit were two enormous palmtrees, one leaning to the left, the other two the right, as if they were trying to reach for oneanother, their growth encouraged by the promise of their leafs touching in the distant future.

There was a sigh to my right and then a content voice that spoke in utter awe: 'It's good to be on earth...'

I don't look at Donna and I don't reply to her comment. Instead I just look at the displeased faces of the people around us and draw my own conclusions.

'At least here... everything is real...'

The pleasantry of reality has it's limitations, I'm sure. Crops can die from long drought. Cities can be destroyed by unforseen storms. People can get skincancer from the sunlight. Things that won't happen in the colonies, are day to day matters on earth. The 'earthians', as they are called by their fellow man up in space, have come to accept mother Nature's wrath and make the best of it. 'Earthian' isn't a compliment, any resident of the colonies would confirm that. The fact that they endure the extreme weather brought on by centuries of extreme global warming is seen as primitive. Why continue allowing lives to be lost in storms, floods and droughts when you can come up to space and never have to deal with those extremities? This is fuel to the belief of some that the Earthians hate the colonies and their citizens so much they'd rather die, being struck by lightening, than share a home with them.

'Real?' I ask her. 'Palmtrees in Chicago, it doesn't _get_ more surreal than that.' I pick up my bag, which I had put down next to my feet just after we entered the main hallway after exiting the shuttle and retrieving our luggage.

We had stopped to gawk at the design of the spaceport. Granted, up on L2 we didn't have destructive supercels, but we also don't have building quite as impressive as this one.

The high glass facade extends along the entire length of the main hall. Approximately two hundred meters. The facade was higher in some places and lower in others as it made a wave-like motion. Located at the highest point, where the facade was over thirty feet tall, the main exit was located. With the blue skies behind it, it really did look like a rippling wave. I exhaled heavily, I felt my body started sweat. The shirt I'm wearing clings to my body and my bangs stick to my face. I realised we were dressed to warmly for Chicago's AC 206 climate, luckily I had brought something more forgiving than long jeans and shirt of a too thickly woven material. Donna agreed with me on that and before heading out and hailing a cab, we searched for the restrooms, where our roads split. I went left, into the men's room, she and Ab- The Baby, I remind myself, she wasn't mine, she was no longer Abby, went right, into the lady's room.

I found myself a stall and started undressing. The heat made evrything unbearable and irritating. I had a short fuse and experienced a minor explosion when the cheap shirt I was putting on caught on an edge of my watch and ripped. I selected a new shirt to go with the shorts I was wearing. In the end, as I got out of the stall and stood at a sink to wet my face, I became painfully aware that I was making quite the 'fashion' statement. My white legs were hideous coming out from under the black shorts I was wearing, which barely reached my knees. The sneakers I wore were white and the shirt of my choice was a screaming red that was almost offensive to the eye. Up till now I had only worn the shirt in bed, as nightwear, I realised the dark was where it belonged, for the oversized shirt did nothing for what was left of my once prone and muscular body. The fact that I was drowing in it make me look like a starving junkie even more, but I was too hot to bother changing. In the mirror I check my braid, to make sure the short handful of hair that was woven into it wasn't visible and then I went out, waiting for Donna in the heat, having trouble keeping my composure as hot bodies brushed past me, making too much physical contact than I was comfortable with.

I was relieved when she finally approached me, she had redressed A- The Baby as well, she was wearing a pink outfit, with white sunhat. I didn't care much for Donna's appearence, she had the habit of making herself look even bigger than she was by wearing things that were designed for girls with size zero, however I was pleasantly surprised as I walked behind her, following her to the exit, that she had dressed up for the occasion; a flowing white skirt with a white T-shirt and short sleaved denim jacket. I thought about telling her that she looked good, but decided against it. It would make the day even more awkward than it already was. I shouldn't get too friendly with her, we must keep our relationship strictly business. After today I musn't feel like I've lost a friend, as well as a daughter. I knew fully well that today would be the last day I'd see either of them. It made me sad, but not as much as I had expected, or perhaps hoped.

Finally, we're outside. The breeze gives some welcome relief. I follow Donna into a cab and wait for her to tell the driver where we needed to be, my anxiety level rising. When she didn't, I looked at her and met her serious gaze.

'Do you want to have lunch first somewhere?' She asks kindly.

I am hungry, unable to eat much the past few days. But I decline her offer. The last thing I need is to spend more time on earth. More time in her presence. I was afraid of many things. I was afraid of my dream, but more so, I was afraid of changing my mind and I couldn't allow that. I had gotten so far... and there was a family somewhere near, in Joliet, that was anxiously waiting for this baby. Their baby. I musn't let my own selfishness come in the way of other people's happiness. Not again. I've allowed myself to do that too often in the past, with the lamest of excuses to justify my actions to myself. The time of excuses were over. The time of doing the right, mature thing had come.

'I'm fine. Let's go... The Kennards are waiting for their baby.' Automatically I look at Ab- The Baby, but quickly look away again. Musn't back out now, I remind myself.

Donna smiles at me. I can't see, but I can feel it, it does something to the atmosphere... it makes it more tense... What makes it even worse is her placing a calming hand on my trembling one. It doesn't calm me, it makes me nervous and guilty, for if I had been doing 'the right thing' I wouldn't need her to calm me, encourage me or talk me into it.

I shake the thoughts out of my head and pull my hand out of her grasp. I don't want her to feel it trembling, ashamed that I know very well that it is not my sadness or anxiety that makes me tremble, but my two day sobriety. Standard procedure on L2 is a toxscreen test on all passengers boarding intercolonial shuttles, to keep the scum on L2 and stop them from spreading. If I had taken even one sip they wouldn't have let me board. Right now I wish I had taken that sip, than I would be at home now, with an empty scoth bottle in my hand, experiencing the closest thing to happiness I can get.

'Fourth of Nowell street, Joliet.'(1) I heard Donna say.

The driver used his GPS navigation system to calculate the most direst route after inputting the adress Donna gave him. A few short moments later the cab gently pulled away from the curb and we started a silent drive to Joliet.

I was able to suppress my anxiety pretty well, looking out the window and enjoying the view of what appeared to be a nice, friendly and clean city, till we rounded a corner, slowing down and I noticed the name 'Nowell Street' on one of the streetsigns. We were nearing our destination, faster than I had imagined. Leaving Chicago made me feel greatly relieved, but now tension was freezing up my body once more as we drove into a quiet street with large houses and perfectly green lawns. The car slowed down further and as we passed a group of children I realised why, They had been playing ball in the middle of the street. That's the kind of place it was... where children can safely play on the street without the risk of being hit by speeding cars or get caught in a show down by rivalling gangs, which was more than often the case in the part of L2 where my house was located. Though I wasn't being fare to myself. Drive by's and gang fights were common all across L2. Escape is impossible unless you have the funds to buy yourself a ticket and could face the steep price of a piece of L1 realestate. And the only people on L2 that had that kind of money, didn't want to leave, because they owned the god damned colony.

'We're almost here.' Donna whispers, the excitement audible in her voice as she looks out the window, her eyes shifting, as if in search of something.

I wondered just how she knew we were getting close, but then I remembered she said she had seen pictures of this place. And what she was looking for was probably the picture-perfect house that had been twodimensionally shown to her.

'There it is!' She said, pointing out of the window. Her face showing all the characteristics of a child who was sure to have seen santa on the rooftop.

Unable to contain my curiosity I lean towards her to look out her window. I knew I didn't want to see, it would make me feel bad, but it's like a trainwreck, you can't stop yourself from looking. Satisfying my masochism I look intensely. I hadn't seen the picture of the house, but for some reason I knew which one out of many was the one we were headed for. I felt it.

The cab was slowly creeping past a field, where a small group of children play soccer under the watchful eyes of three mother who were seated on a bench at the edge of the grass field. Across from the field I could see The House. It was located on the right side of the next street to our left. It was a white mansion with a large dark blue door in the middle and identically coloured windowframes. It was basking proudly in the sunlight of this hot thursday. it stood among many other impressive houses. Yet this one really stood out. Perhaps it was the way the white plaster caught the light. All the other houses were either brick or wooden panel, painted with pastel shades of pink, blue and green.

We rounded the last corner and after about one hundred meters, that seemed to go on forever, the cab stopped, right in front of the pristine white mansion, on my side, that had the kind of silencing aura of a chapel. Before getting out I took the opportunity to take it all in from the relative safety of the car. The lawn was a bright green and perfectly mowed, with a modern, stone path cutting right across it to a small front porch, not much broader than the door itself, which was flanked by two terracotta pots with rosebushes. Also in the front yard, right from the path, was a colourful, plastic kiddie swing, though I remember distinctly that they didn't have any other children. Parked in the driveway was a minivan. Volvo by the looks of it. As ugly as it may be, I knew, as a father, I should have had that car. I vaguely remember a commercial in which a man and a woman, the oerfect American couple, proudly presented AC 206's safest car. It was a volvo minivan, just like that one. They even got it in the same color as the minivan from the commercial. Disgusting. Still, I was jealous.

I finally got out once I noticed Donna was waiting for me on the sidewalk. I sigh, stepping back into the heat, leaving the airconditioned car behind me as we walked up to the front door. The cab didn't leave, so I guessed Donna asked him to wait. This makes me slightly relieved, it means we won't be staying long. The best news I had gotten all day.

Two small steps and then we are up on the stone porch, me hiding behind Donna's big figure, staring shyly at the rosebush to my right, listening to the musical tune of the doorbell.

'Nice huh?' She comments light heartedly.

'Yeah.' I agree unenthousiastically. 'Just perfect.'

The roses reminded me of Heero. Not because they were blood red, or were beautiful, but had their pitfalls; sharp, needle like thorns (though that would have made one ironic comparison) but because I had pegged Heero for the type to hate roses. Not flowers in general, just roses. Why? Because nearly everyone loved roses, because they were so beautiful, while in fact they were viscious imposters, tempting you to pick them and making you regret it if you do so.

I scoff inwardly. I was overthinking his personality. Over the years I had filled in the gaps with my own imagination. And there had been a lot of gaps to fill. Honestly, after this many years I didn't know where Heero ended and where my fantasy extension of him started. The perspective on roses was probably mine.

I am lost in thoughts. Thoughts about him. Aside from dreams in which I kill him, he has been on my mind now more than ever. That's what I hate most about him. Ever since the war, his had this annoying ability to leave his mark in my head making me incapable of not thinking about him.

Luckily something pulled my mind off those thoughts. It was the sound of the front door opening.

I hold my breath and wait. For some reason I hope to find a fat, ugly man behind those doors, breath stinking of alcohol, a cigar hanging limply between his lips. But I knew that was impossible. Donna had made sure this family was perfect. Only the best for The Baby.

So I wasn't surprised when we were faced with mister Perfect. A once-over told me all I needed to know. A handsome man, nearing his thirties, I reckon. The way his skin folded at the corner or his lips as he smiled broadly at us, or most probably The Baby in Donna's arms, gave his age away. He was still gorgeous though, with his saloonstyled gold hair, long face and his perfect pearly whites. His skin was lightly tanned and his eyes and smile made him look welcoming, approachable and open. He looked like someone with a big heart, kind to all, perfect in every sense. To top it off he was tall, with broad shoulders, shown off in a green button up shirt that looked to be tailored to fit his well built body perfectly. He had casually rolled up the sleeves. His long legs were clad in blue denim and ended with a pair of light brown loafers.

Finally, it spoke: 'Welcome to our home.'

Puke. Vomit. Yes, still jealous.

His smile only broadened, unaware of my illness at hearing his perfect voice speaking perfect, posh english. 'Come in, come in.' He ushered us in with elaborate hand gestures.

As we step in I see the dog that had been standing behind mister Perfect all this time. A beautiful golden retriever, wagging her tail excitedly, but not jumping us, which meant she was well trained. The perfect dog.

The foyer was amazing. Two story, with a winding staircase going up, hebind the staircase was more hallway, with doors in the right wall, leading to other rooms no doubt. In the centre, hanging high above our heads was a silver chandlier of modern design. The floor was covered with expensive, polished, dark and warm hardwood and the colour of the walls was slightly different in every room. The color of choice for the hallway, was a light, sky blue. A broad archway to our left led to the livingroom, painted a soft aqua colour, cosy and homelike, but still fresh and modern. As we were guided into the large livingroom I shamelessly look around. Around the fireplace were two large, comfortable looking, white couches and one large, white chair, all of them decorated by pillows of different colours and different patterns. The walls adorned by many pictures, I didn't bother to study them. One wall was completely covered by a floor to celing, wall to wall bookcase, that held not only many books, but also souveniers from far and foreign places. I can't help bu notice the absence of a television and wondered what kind of religeous, old fashioned family we were dealing with.

There were no other doors, other than double, glass door leading to the back porch, so I figured the rest must be located in the right half of the house.

Mister Perfect came into my line of sight and I looked a bit baffled as he reached his hand out towards me. Finally, common sense made me realise he wanted to shake my hand, so I grabbed his and shoke it.

'Benjamin Kennard.' He introduced, he was inspecting my face curiously, I could see he was thinking, I wish I knew about what. He probably disapproved of me.

I didn't say my name, saw know need for it. I just nodded at him and said: 'Hey.' Mentally I added: Just take The Baby so we can leave. By the time I returned back to the present after mentally insulted mister Benjamin Perfect I noticed he was gushing all over the baby again, who was still held by Donna.

'Sit down, make yourself comfortable.' He gestured towards the couches. 'I'll just go get my husband and then we can 'close the deal'.' He laughed at his own joke and was gone before I knew it. Heading upstairs.

Wait. Stop. Rewind. Did he say husband? Mister Perfect was gay?

I turned towards Donna, who had seated herself on one of the couches and set down her briefcase with paperwork, I mouthed furiously, not trusting my voice: '_HUSBAND_?'

'Is that an issue?' She shot back.

I somehow got the feeling I had insulted her and felt a bit unnerved by her glare. 'Uhm... well... no... I guess not. Still, don't you think I ought to have known about them being _Gay_? No offense, love is love, but I don't think this is the right environment for a child to grow up in.' I push away Goldie Perfect, who had been pressing her head against my leg and, much to my dismay, my crotch, all the while wagging happily.

Donna quirked an eyebrow.

'It is best for a child to grow up with a male and female parent. I don't think we should sacrifice _her_ development on the altar of politcal correctness!'

Donna sighed and gave me a sad smile, then she said with honest and quiet voice: 'Do you really think that? Or are you just trying to back out?'

I couldn't answer that. Because I myself didn't know the answer. Not for sure anyway. No wait, that's a lie. I was lying to myself. So convincingly I believed it. I had no problem with gay couples, what kind of a hypocrite would that make me? No, I had no trouble with gay people at all, perhaps they were even more capable as adoptive parents because this was their last resort, this would be the closest to having their own child as they could get so they would never regret the fact that the child didn't match their DNA and they would love it like it did.

I quickly step towards Donna and roughly grab a pen and the stack of papers. 'The contract'. Again there was no reason for me to read, I knew exactly what was in it. I just signed. Donna tried to stop me, it was illegal for me to sign these papers without assessing the parents, yet once signed it was official and the adoption could not be undone. I was no longer a father now, not only in my mind, but on paper too. It was official. It was done. I was done. I was relieved of my duty as a parent. I was free. But there was no liberty to enjoy. I still felt the same nagging bitterness as before, but at least now I knew the decision was taken, it was behind me, no more turning back, no more worrying. I had done the right thing and though it didn't feel like it now, I was certain it would in the future.

'Duo, you can't do this! This is against the law!' Donna hissed, careful not to upset The Baby.

'It's over now Donna. It's all over.' Though tears were streaming down my face, I smiled and then walked off, letting myself out. As the frontdoor closed behind me I could hear Benjamin Perfect come down the stairs with his husband, but I didn't look back, I didn't need to see, I didn't want to see how two people, who had all the odds against them in this narrowminded society, turned out to be more succesful in life than me.

Outside I wait near the cab for Donna, I couldn't leave her behind, of course. With trembling hands I pull a pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and quickly light one, smoking it anxiously, not having the patience for the nicotine to have it's calming effect on me I inhale faster, hoping it would start to work soon, but my impatience prevents that from ever happening and I remain tense.

Someone approaches me from behind. Donna. She isn't here to leave with me, it was too quick, she practically came right after me. She had come to talk me into meeting the happy family of three.

'I know what you're gonna say.' I inform her.

'Do you now?' She retorts sarcastically.

'Yes. But give it a shot anyway. Give me your textbook solution to this situation.'

Donna sighs and shakes her head. She takes an annoyed stance, with her hands on her hips. 'There isn't one.'

I frown 'No?'

Donna smiles 'I thought you knew what I was going to say.'

I inhale more smoke. 'That's some real funny stuff you got going on there Donna.' My sarcasm was palpable.

'You don't have to act so tough around me Duo. There no one you have to impress, or convince of your masculinity.'

I shrug it off. 'It's a war habit. Never show your enemies how you feel.'

Donna, who had been standing next to me, moves to stand before me and takes my rough, unshaven, hairy chin into her hand and makes me look at her. Unlike what I had expected, her face is kind, not strict and she says: 'I'm not your enemy Duo. And those people in there,' she nodded towards the house, 'aren't either. No one is judging you. Giving your child up for adoption doesn't make you a bad person. You gave her your best and that's all anyone can ever expect. You gave her your best, but you just weren't ready. Of course you weren't. You were young, you had a lot of demons to deal with and Hilde's-'

'Please, Donna.' I interjected. 'I get your point. It's my life, remember? I know what happened.' Problem is you don't. I look into the direction we came from. Forty miles in that direction... forty miles... It seems so far, yet I can feel his presence like he is standing right next to me, his warm breath in my neck.

She finally releases my chin. 'Don't you want to see if you are leaving her in the right hands?'

'There is no need Donna, I already signed the papers. Besides, I trust you. If you think they are perfect, than you are probably right.'

'Scratch the 'probably'.' She jokes.

Though not funny, it lightens my mood and I chuckle.

'Just ten minutes.' She presses on like a begging child.

I turn my head and look at the house, than back at Donna, with a sigh I softly say: 'Five.'

She jumped in joy, then grabbed my arm and escorted me back.

I did it more for her than for me. I knew that she would have kept begging. We wouldn't have left this place without me meeting them, so I might as well get it over with. What's the worst that could happen? I had already gotten this far and I wasn't banging my head into a wall yet. Perhaps she was right, perhaps meeting them would give me a peace of mind that would allow me to sleep at night from now on.

Still my rising anxiety made every inch of skin on my body tingle. It was primal fear. The kind of feeling of fear you experience when faced with one pissed off grizzly bear. The primal fear every man has, the instinct to run away from danger. It took all my power to suppress the overwhelming urge to bolt. I felt like a young antilope, cautiously making my way to the water's edge. I knew I had to drink, yet the fear of hungry crocodiles makes me take one step back, for every two steps I go forward, making progress slow.

Donna notices my reluction, but she is relentless as she pulls me along. The frontdoor had been left ajar and she pushes it open. I could hear mister Perfect's voice, talking indistinctly but I could tell his tone was one of utter happiness and adoration. A swallow, a painful action as my throat is dry and has the texture of sandpaper. It seemed like all my bodily fluids were rushing to the palms of my hands, which were clammy and wet, no matter how often I rubbed them against my cotton clad thigh.

This is it. I say to myself with a nod of encourgament. We were halfway there when I finally enable myself to lift my gaze from the hardwood floor. It really was a beautiful floor. The perfect floor.

I raise my face further and further and before laying eyes on the perfect couple I cought a glimpse of their perfect dog, sitting at their feet, tail wagging almost violently against the perfect floor.

Finally, I see them, my eyes rest apon them and it takes me a second too long too realise just what was wrong with the sight before me.

Believe me, something was wrong, very wrong.

It wasn't that they weren't as I had imagined. I had been right, they really were the perfect couple. Perfect in their stance, perfect in their expression, perfect in their words.

Mister Perfect stood behind his husband, lovingly looking down, over his shorter husband's shoulders, at the baby craddled in the other's arms. Mister Perfect had his arms wrapped tighly around the waist of his loved one and manage to tear his eyes away fromt The Baby- Their Baby – long enough to plant a sweet, content kiss on his husband's smooth cheek.

No, besides the sickening perfection radiating from their very being, there is nothing wrong with that, other than my own reeking, mossgreen jealousy.

It was the face of the young man that was holding Their Baby that was wrong. All wrong. It was frightingly familiar, yet at the same time, unrecognisable.

Donna stopped to turn around as I wouldn't budge, no matter how hard she pulled. At the sight of my no doubt pale complexion she exchanged her happy face for a concerned one and I vaguely hear her calling out my name, like I had on the shuttle, her voice trying to travel through a thick layer of fog that surrounded my consciousness.

'Duo. Duo... Duo….'

Her voice grew softer and softer till I could hear her no more.

Donna's calling had drawn the attention of Perfect and Perfect and they both slowly looked up. Or maybe they quickly looked up but time was slowed down, for this is one of those moments in your life that have to last longer than they really do, no matter how much you want them to end. Something as life changing as a moment like this, shouldn't pass in mere seceonds, because it would have to last for eternity, leaving it's mark on your soul as it travels from one earthly form to the next. (2)

Less and less of the Wrong Face was hidden behind reckless brown bangs as the Face looked up and my own, frozen gaze, met another.

My violet eyes locked with two equally shocked eyes and the face around them paled much like mine.

It doesn't matter how impossible it seemed, there was no mistaking the intense, cobalt blue gaze that met mine.

Wat are the odds...

**T-That's all folks!**

**Oh, right, nearly forgot:**

(1)** There really is a Nowell street in Joliet, I don't know how far the numbering of the house go and stuff, but it's as close as a realistic location I could get without ever going there. I don't know what kind of street it is, but it doesn't matter that much as the story takes place in the future so I can change it into anything I want (a nice, suburban area with friendly people where verybody knows everybody). That's what I love about fiction ;)**

(2)** Yes, I believe in reincarnation and for the sake of things, so does Duo. I don't peg him for the kind of guy that believes in Heaven, where angles float on white clouds and everybody is happy. He is too much of a realist for that, yet he is fundamentally positive enough to believe there is more than eternal darkness after death. Hence: Reincarnation.**

**It's a pretty long chapter, that should keep you satisfied for now ;)**

**You can surely expect more updates in the near future as my interest in and inspiration for this fic has sparked, from a dimming glow to an allconsuming fire. Unfortunately I also have a lot of homework on my hands. French and Math... God be with me... so bear with me.**

**This time I DID re-read it for spelling errors (gasp!), which I thought was very boring, but that might have something to do with the fact that this is obviously a 'stalling-chapter'. Anyway, I did my best, expect no more. Flames will only add to the fire. ;)**

**Leave a message after the beep,**

**Crimson.**

**PS: BEEP ;)**


	7. Chapter 7

**It was like giving birth, but finally, here it is, after weeks of labour ;)**

**I hope I won't disappoint.**

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter six**

The night is quiet and calm. A dark, thick blanket of peace and serenity covers this half of the globe and whispers us all to sleep with soft soothing breezes tickling trees and bushes. The night is calm and quiet, but my soul is as restless as ever. Instead of hearing leaves' 'laughter' as they move in the wind I hear a reaching branch scratching outside, against the wall of the building. Scratching with agony, as if trying to get in. In the far background is the sound of traffic, cars rushing across the tarmac at high speeds, occassionaly shedding light into the room, chasing away some of the darkness, only to create more frightening displays of oddly shaped shadows across the walls and floor.

My wide eyes are aimed up at the white ceiling. All I think is: _Sleep, sleep._ But it doesn't work that way. I can't just will myself to sleep. I can't just will for the peace to come. For the shadows to stop moving, for the ghost to leave me alone. It takes more than will, something I don't know of, something I don't have.

Scratch scratch scratch, the branch goes outside.

_Sleep, sleep, sleep._ The matra in my head grows louder and louder but I can still hear the scratching and the swooshing and cardoors slamming, lonesome footsteps in the night, dogs barking afar. I hear everything! Everything that other people don't. Everthing except for the soothing sounds of the night that wills all the 'earthians' asleep. Earth is just too damn noisy!

My heart is beating powerfully in my chest, almost hard enough for me to feel my blood flowing through my veins under the pressure of the beat. Adrenaline is shooting through my body, keeping me alert and on edge. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down, about to lose balance and fall. But I know better. I know so much better.

I have long fallen.

I have fallen. Fallen for so long. Till today. Today my fall came to an abrupt end. I hit the ground with earthshaking force and dust flying up all around me as I hit the ground and something inside me shattered. If I close my eyes and concentrate, I can hear it, above all other noises. The sound of blissful ignorance breaking into a million pieces. I can describe the sound, but never would I find words adequate to describe the feeling.

I sigh, as I do the other sounds fade away for a moment and all I can hear is myself. I have to sleep. I'm so tired. My body, mind and soul are aching for rest. I know it will come soon. I will either fall to sleep, or faint from exhaustion. It's just a matter of time. I just hope I will wake in time to catch my shuttle... I can't wait to get off this forsaken planet.

Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep… 

I shut my eyes and think of peacful things. A green landscape... with softly rolling hills dotted by colourful flowers and on top of the highest hill I can see a lonesome old tree standing tall and proud in the wind. Birds sing in perfect harmony. The sky is the bluest of blue, so blue it's nearly unnatural...

... this isn't working...

In frustration I change my position, to lie on my side, with my back towards the window, staring at the wall that separates the bedroom from the bathroom. I curl up like a child and close my eyes tightly, focussing on the darkness behind my lids. _Sleep, sleep sleep..._ I try the landscape fantasy again. Donna's suggestion. But it just doesn't work for me. It only makes me feel more frustrated, angry, lost and so deeply confused. Even thinking of a mythical, non-existant landscape is too much of a reminder that I am on earth. A place I fought so hard for... literally risked my life for... and now, I couldn't care less if it were to explode or simply ceise to exist. I no longer care for earth and I would most certainly never fight for it again. Earth, craddle of all life and home to the human race, is a disturbing place to me...

Quite suddenly my thoughts are swept away and I am back on L2, in my own bedroom, in my own bed.

Strange. I must be dreaming, I conclude. Or maybe this was the reality and instead of falling asleep I had actually awoken from a dream.

I strain my neck to lock at the alarm clock. '02:23 AM' big red letters screamed in the dark room. Besides them, were smaller red letters, which read 'nov 15'. And in even smaller letters: 'AC 205'.

I groan in disappointment. This is not reality. If only it was. Than my life would still be relatively normal... and I wouldn't go to earth for another six months, I might even be able to prevent that situation. But the fact that I know what is going to happen this night and the months to come, proves to me I have been here before and this is nothing but a memory that has been waiting in the maze of my unconsciousness for me to finally fall asleep, so it could taunt me.

The early morning of november fifteenth, a day I will always remember, I day I will always want to forget.

Abby is crying. I can call her Abby now, she is mine, at this time in my life I haven't even met Donna and if anyone had ever suggested given my daughter away for adoption they would have a nice bruise to show for it. Because the Duo of yesterday would have knocked their lights out. However, the Duo of tomorrow would think twice...

02:24

In a strange and disturbing way I feel a bit of excitement in the pit of my stomach. The way we all feel when we wath the Pre-Colony classic 'Titanic', when the ship is just about to sink. Because you feel the immensity of the moment and you are almost honored to be witnessing such a memorable moment in history. Even though it was nothing more than a elaborate Hollywood set.

I was about to witness the turningpoint in my life. One that shakes my world even more than the birth of Abby. I am about to witness it as we all witnessed the demise of the unsinkable ship... as an outsider... even though it is still my past... and, in a way, very much my present.

02:25

I don't have to wait much longer now. When the slock turns 02:26 Abby would start crying, crying louder than she ever had, almost as if she felt something bad has happened.

02:26

WEH! WEH! WEH!

There is almost a bit of pride that jolts through me, of remembering this night so well, down to the minute.

I didn't leave the warmth of my bed to comfort her back then, so I won't now. It's no use anyway, she's not really there and above all esle, I can't console her in reality, I doubt I will be more succesful in a nightmare.

02:27

I frown and wait... but nothing. My memory has failed me. Someone should be knocking on my frontdoor right now. But no one is there. I shift my gaze back towards the clock.

02:28 nov 15, ac205

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Ah, there it is.

On the real morning of November fifteenth I had the utmost difficulty getting my tired body out of bed, but this time around I jumped out all fit and awake, feeling better than I ever felt for as long as I can remember. I am bit put off though at the fact that I got the time wrong. It's a strike to my pride. It's stupid, I know, but I can't push away that nagging feeling of failure. To a soldier, even a second is of most importance, being off by a whole minute is catastrophic in times of war and as a welltrained soldier and pilot it remains a catastrophy well into peacetime.

Some things never change.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

I've almost reached the door when my stomach turns and coils and makes me feel alround uncomfortable, nauseous and nervous, just like I had felt that morning, only this time, the sense of heavy eyelids and exhaustion isn't present. Because this isn't real and this isn't my real body. It is non-existant and therefore it can't have heavy eyelids or feel exhausted. Strange though how it _can_ feel nervous.

I unlock the first lock.

Then the second.

Then the third.

I told you before, L2 isn't a pretty place to live...

Finally the fourth.

With a twist of the doorknob the door creaks open and I push my head into the cold night air to lay my eyes apon two police officers in full uniform, both holding their caps to their chest and their eyes shining in remorse.

I wait. They don't have to speak. I know what they are about to say. Not only because I remember, but because instinctively, I already knew back then as well. There are some things you just know.

The oldest looking officer, the only one brave enough to look me squarely in the eyes, is the one to speak. His mouth opens and after overcoming his innerconflict, sounds pushes past his lips. However, it is not what I expected, nor what I remember.

Coming forth from his mouth is a loud, intruding sound.

KNOCK KNOCK

Flabbergasted I look at him. He looks back seriously. 'Excuse me?' I dare ask.

'KNOCK KNOCK' He says again. He raises his hand and brings it to my face, balled into a fist. I close my eyes to protect them and feel his knuckles knock on my forhead and once more I hear: KNOCK KNOCK.

When I open my eyes, the officers are gone. And all the houses of the block are gone. And the moon is gone. And the cold night air is gone. They have been replaced by a white wall and the warmth from thick covers.

I realise I had awaken from my dream and was now wide awake. There's this moment, a flooding moment in which reality catches up with me and I remember where I am and what has happened, the groan of disappointment I let out was not out of place. I am not on L2, I realise. I am in a shabby motel on the outskirts of Chicago, the place of choice to spend the night as the next flight to L2 didn't leave till tomorrow morning.

But, however awake I was now, the knocking sound did not stop and it took me a moment to realise someone is knocking on the door in reality as well.

A glance at the alarmclock tells me I have been awoken at a much more forgiving hour than I had been on the fifteenth of November. It was only a quarter to twelve. This didn't help much though, it had been an exhausting day, physically as well as emotionally. I needed the sleep that had been promised me. It's the reason why I gave the baby away.

With a final groan of discontent I kick the sheets away and swing my legs over the edge of the bed. In one swift movement I am standing on my feet fighting off dizziness.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

At the impatient sound I call: 'Jezus! I'm coming! Give me a break...'

KNO-

Grateful that this disturbing presence, responsible for my current state of full consciousness has heard my exclamation I take my time to tidy myself up a bit. God knows who was at the door at this hour.

I sorta figured it was Donna, even though we parted ways this evening. We had said our goodbyes and went in opposite direction. Adoption agency policy states that councelor and 'client' were not allowed to interact after giving away the 'child in question'. However, Donna was not one to adhere to all the rules very well.

In a pair of sweatpants, a white T-shirt and black socks I shuffle towards the door with some sense of fearlessness. Not even worried that there was possibly a murderer or kidnapper waiting behind the locked door. There wasn't a thing that this day could throw at me that would shock me more than I already have been.

On the way to the door I kick an empty glass bottle under the bed, it rolls softly across the carpet till it comes to a halt in the shadows, hidden out of sight. When I stand at the door, with my hand on the doorknob, I look back, to see if the bottle also can't be seen from this point of view. It's safe. Wether it was Donna or Santa Claus, with my criminal record it would not do me any favours being seen with a well emptied bottle of alcohol in my room. The northern states of America were really anal when it came to alcohol abuse.

I breathe into my palm, to check my breath. There are some faint traces, but I'm pretty sure she won't notice if I keep my distance. Satisfied that I've done everything I could in this short amount of time to save her from seeing the real me, who I swore not to become again, I open the door with relative confidance and poke my curious head out much like I had done the fifteenth of November AC 205.

Against a dark blue background of cold night sky, dotted by winking stars, lined with space shuttle condensation as they took off and landed at the near spaceport/airport, illuminated by a yellow streetlight crowded with flies was not the plump short figure I had expected, and now hoped, to encounter. The figure was short alright, but most definitely not plump. Everything about the lean body was in perfect proportion, except perhaps for the big cobalt eyes that were set into the face like jewels.

I found myself wishing I had stayed in bed and had ignored the knocking.

But instead I just _had_ to come out and answer to the risen dead.

My mouth opens, but God, how stupid am I?! I don't have anything to say to him. There are thoughts, there are feelings, but there are no words and for that, I am glad, I would have just made a bigger fool out of myself. Now I just swallow my pride and make peace with looking like a retard. I shut my gaping mouth.

'I can't really think of anything smart to say either.' A smile. The eyes light up a bit.

'That's a first.'

'Don't give me that Maxwell, I never had any trouble keeping my mouth shut.'

_Not entirely true... _'Do you want to come in?' I step aside and make a welcoming gesture with my free hand, the other still tightly holds on to the doorknob. Even though he came with no hostile intentions, I'm sure, I feel like slamming the door in his face and keep on ignoring his every breath like I have been for the past years... the past seven years...

'No.' Curt and efficient with words, just like we all knew him.

I frown at his answer. He drove all the way here, after taking the effort to track me down since I didn't exactly left them my adress or other means of contacting me (for a reason which he selectively ignored), for... for what? An awkward moment of avoiding eyecontact and squirming like schoolgirls in the other's presence till we'd finally get enough and part ways once more? I know him better than that, he wouldn't have wasted perfectly good fuel.

With what intentions _did_ he come? To yell, to confront, to forgive... to forget?

Despite his answer, he accepted my invitation and walked past me, into the small motelroom. Either he had changed his mind or we had different definitions of what 'do you want to come in?' means. What I should have asked, because that's what I wanted to know, was: 'Do you want to talk about what happened back then and what we have been up to since?' But over the years I must have been inspired by his curtness, because I don't do elaborate questions anymore, even with the risk of being misunderstood. On top of that, I didn't want to talk about it myself...

After pondering over this at the door, I close it and lean with my back against it, watching him as he stands in the center of the room, looking around. I smile. I smile because I know that he knows. He smelled the alcohol in my breath the moment the door opened and took notice that my pupils were dialated. When he walked in, the smell and the way some of the hairs of the rugs were pushed down he knew the bottle was rolled under the bed. From the smell of the sheets he could tell I had a bad dream and I'm sure that as he walked past the ajar bathroom door, he caught a glance of the bottle of Xanax on the sink. An orange bottle with white lid... A shiver runs through me. _Just like the one he had... only mine still has it's label..._

If he's upset, or feels anything at all, it doesn't show. He's just standing there, looking, but not seeing. His shoulders slumped, his arms by his sides. He doesn't look confused, he never does, but I know this bodylanguage. This is as close as he will ever come to showing he is unsure of what to do and what is expected of him. The last thing an obedient soldier wants to feel. And the last thing he would want to expose to an enemy.

Make no mistakes. I am an enemy.

'Heero...' It's been years since that name rolled past my lips. And roll so nicely it did. I loved saying his name, it sounds dangerous, wise, mysterious and exotic. It fitted him perfectly.

He is inspecting the cracks in the wall and the ceiling, the white paint had turned yellow because of the years of heavy smoking inside this room, the broken bedframe, the worn cabinet, the hoodless lamp... 'Please come with me.' He says, finally turning to me. His voice is steady and confidant, like it always was, despite his words, it didn't sound like he was begging me. It sounded like he was telling me to.

I detach myself from the door and near him, but take mind to keep my distance. I don't want to give, nor receive, the wrong signals. I hope that with a sly comment I could throw him off and could talk my way out of answering his question. 'Come with you where?'

He swallowed the snappy 'You know where' and instead he said: 'My house.' His response is dead serious and he is not about to be brushed off.

I laugh and shake my head. 'I think I prefer this dump.'

He looks offended, I suppose what I said could have been interpreted as an insult. 'Why? What's wrong with my house?'

'Nothing!' I say, totally convincing. 'It's just... perfect.' I add in a whisper.

He knows, _senses_, that in some twisted way, I don't mean that in a positive way. He knows just about everything and on the off chance that there is something he does not know of, primal instinct somehow lets him know.

He looks at me with that trademark glare of his.

To that I respond with my trademark, run of the mill blabber. 'There is just no sense coming back with you. My flight leaves early in the morning. And it's already twelve o'clock! I'm going to be a fucking zombie in the morning and if I miss my flight you're-'

'I miss you.'

I immediately fall silent. My back is facing him and I don't dare to trun around. He missed me? In what way? As a friend? As a comrade? How could he possibly miss me? I've been nothing short of an asshole to him, I was willing to let him die! Worse yet, I have dreamt of killing him!

What bothers me even more is what ungodly feeling made him feel compelled to open up to me like he just had. It was so un-Heero.

'Stay the night, you won't miss your flight, I promise.' He tries to talk me into it and if I don't resist and put up a fight soon, he is going to win this.

So I grit my teeth, turn to face him and allow some of my frustration to rise up my throat and convert into words. 'I'm not interested in being you're charity case Heero.' I point an accusing indexfinger at him, but my entire display leaves him unaffected.

'Neither am I. I'd just feel better knowing you were safe. This is a really dangerous neighbourhood.'

'I'm sure I can take care of myself.'

Heero is silent for a while, thinking. Carefully chosing his words: 'Even Gundam Pilots can be caught off guard.'

I nod, agreeing, though not entirely sure if we were still talking about the same thing. 'I know. That's why it's not the Gundam Pilot within me that I rely on to keep me safe, but the streetrat. You know I grew up on the streets of L2. I've seen my share of homicides and gangrapes. Or did you forget that?'

'No.' His eyes narrow further and further as the muscles in his arms grow tense.

I could see him transforming back into the Yuy I liked seeing best. The cold and hard, calculating soldier who won't take no for an answer. It's better than seeing him emotional and caring, it makes me feel even more guilty, because I know the coldhearted, calculating soldier can handle being left for dead... and I know the sensitive Heero, locked somewhere deep inside that barricaded heart, can't.

The transformation is complete and, acknowledging the fact that he had gone into soldier-mode, which had been almost a permanent state of mind for him "back in the day" I realised I had lost the battle. No matter what would be said or done, I'd be going home with him tonight. There's no denying the soldier.

However, Heero doesn't know I've already thrown in the towel, so his efforts to convince me continue and I decide to ride the waves of it and see how it turns out.

'But my life wasn't exactly a fairy tale either,' He started, 'and even though I survived, I know I'm not invincable and I know you aren't either. So you can pack your suitcase and come with me voluntarily, or deal with the fact that I'm going to drag you out of this crackhouse because I have never left a man behind and I sure as hell ain't going to start now!'

All I can do is stare at him perplexed. I've always believed Heero was one of those people, too strong and too stubborn to be changed by time. Obviously, I was mistaken, he has changed a lot. He is very alike the soldier I knew and entrusted with my life, but I have never seen Heero angry. I know very well that there have been countless occassions on which he was angry, upset, or downright enraged. But I've never seen him show it. It's refreshing, but at the same time all the more confusing. I thought I had had Heero all figured out, but it seems I am back at square one and if I wish to understand him once more, my study of him would need some serious re-evaluation. I wonder if all these changes have been for the best.

I also wonder if he meant to make my heart throb as it does, by mentioning his 'Leave no man behind' tactic.

I don't speak, instead, I pick up my duffelbag and throw back in what little I had taken out. This was all the answer he needed, he folds his arms across his chest and looks away again, but I could see the near invisible expression of contentment on his face.

From the bathroom I fetch the orange bottle and hide it in my palm as best as possible and quickly tuck it under some shirts, hoping I didn't expose him to bad memories.

Heero seemed unaffected, if only a little flustered by his earlier display. Apparantly I wasn't the only one not used to seeing this side of him. Maybe he needed to do some serious re-evaluating himself.

Under his wathful eyes I slip into my brown leather jacket, because unlike the days, nights in Chicago, with it's near desert climate, were freezing. Finally I stepped into my shoes, not bothering to tie them and turned to him, silently letting him know I was ready to go.

He gives me a onceover, then lifts my bag off the bed and carries it out of the motelroom. I follow him, wondering what he thought when he looked at me. I sure as hell wasn't easy on the eyes right now. My hair was untied, painfully showing my desparete, pathetic attempt at cutting my hair, there were the ever present bags under my eyes and the lines around my mouth, evidence that there was a time in which this face was full of mirt, but now the laughter had died, leaving only these wrinkles, to gather dust. But that is what I see. I wonder what he saw...

Outside he was waiting for me.

'Have you paid for your stay?'

'Ahuh.'

He nods and walks out of the beam of light coming from the lantern and crosses the dark parkinglot. I quickly spot the van he was headed for. The ugly family van I had seen on their driveway earlier today. Yuk.

He places the duffelbag in the back and then takes a seat behind the wheel. I had already taken the liberty of climbing in myself and waited for him to start the engine. As he did, he ordered, without making eyecontact: 'Fasten your seatbelt.'

I obey. For a moment I dared to believe Heero's hadn't outgrown his dangerous driving style, but I knew better. Besides, what was the topspeed of this monstrosity? Hundred and fifty miles an hour? Come on.

Soon enough we were on the highway, heading back to Joliet. On our way we pass several alcohol checkpoints. Now they were abandoned, but from what I'd heard before I completely shut myself off from the outside world, those checkpoints were crowded with officers on friday and saturday nights, randomly picking cars to pull over and do a quick bloodtest on the driver to determine if he is under the influence of alcohol, or any other number of substances. It gets even worse. The legal age for alcohol comsumption had been raised to twenty-five, but even above that age it was a pain getting your hands on some, both legally as well as illegally. Only a handful of restaurants per city were still allowed to serve and every drop of alcohol was taken off the shelves of all the supermarkets and is now only sold in special stores where they check, and re-check, you ID and even have access to a criminal database. Anyone who has more than three alcohol related offenses on their record is not allowed to drink. And fines are steep. Anal, I told you. Big brother is taken over. Nowadays you can't even go to a public restroom without it being registered in some database. If it wasn't for a careless guest who stayed in the motel room prior to me and left that helf empty bottle of whiskey, I'd be much more depressed, on edge and difficult to live with than I am because there was no way I could have gotten my hands on any alcohol in this city.

I couldn't wait to get out of here and head back towards the more lenient colonies.

I look to my left. Heero is awfully quiet. I know I shouldn't be surprised, that's why I'm not, I am, however, a bit disappointed. For some reason I had hoped some words would fall between us. And a chance would arrive for me to explain and to apologise, if I ever found the courage to bring that subject up.

I wanted to speak up and kill the silence. I hate silence. I remember some days back on L2, after giving up the baby. I would sit at home, in the dark, on the couch with the tv turned on. Even though I had no reception, but I didn't pay my bills, the humming sound coming from the speakers and the flickering lights coming from the screen that showed grey and white snow, was comforting. It filed away the sharp edges of my lonseome existance.

I was just as desperate for sound now as I was during those days, but there was just nothing to talk about. I couldn't bring myself to speak up about more personal matters, and meaningless conversation about the weather or what not seemed so out of place.

Tactful as always, my stomach suddenly growled loudly. My face grew hot red with embarrassment as I felt Heero briefly laying his eyes on me before returning his attention to the road.

I swear I could hear the smirk when he spoke.

'Are you hungry?'

I rolled my eyes, with the sounds my stomach was making, the entire nothern hemispehere knew I was hungry, still, I had naively wished he hadn't noticed. 'A little. Though I doubt even you can find a place that still open at this hour.'

The atmosphere grew tense and the response was: 'I've been told you could.'

I knew what he was referring to and it made my entire body freeze. I regret I gave him a window to bring that up and I could tell he regret taking the chance. Though glad to note my study on "how to read Heero Yuy" wasn't completly outdated the positive feeling was soon overshadowed by questions. Just how much did Heero know. And why did he even want to know? Why is he bringing it up? How did he even find out?! My eyes widen in realisation and I turn in my seat to glare at him as I demanded: 'You read my files!'

Heero frowned. 'What? No! Donna told me.'

Like that makes it any better. 'Just how much did she tell you?!' My heartrate increases. It's beating so powerfully that I felt lightheaded. I never felt this exposed, this naked. I felt like some sort of study object, stripped and strapped to a slab to be poked by scientists.

Heero looked at me, a little perplexed - maybe he felt my panic -, but still defensive. 'Nothing, just about the drinking. Research shows that sixtyfive percent of alcohol abuse is genetic, so she felt compelled to tell me.'

I suppose that last part was supposed to sooth me, but I couldn't care for her reasoning. I was too upset that he knew, but at the same time relieved that he knew nothing more. A little more relaxed now and feeling a little less naked, I sit back and shift my gaze outside once more. However, I can't stop myself from looking at my own relfection in the side window. The reflection of a pathetic loser and now Heero knew it too. I've never felt more embarrassed in my life. Heero was about the only person in the entire solar system and whatever lies beyond that I did not want to know about this... and now he knew. He knew what kind of a failure I am and even though, in my heart, I know Heero is a good, and honorable guy, I imagine that on the inside, he is smirking now. He had beat me, even though he has been in a coma for god know how long and had to overcome serious braindamage, as I imagine, he had beat me.

I hate that.

'What are you getting so upset about anyway?'

'Nothing.' Please just drop it.

He did.

It was me who didn't.

'I could stop if I wanted to.' I spoke up defensively.

He didn't respond vocally, just nodded. Perhaps because he knew his voice could not betray me. But still, I knew he didn't believe me, it was obvious. But I could stop, I know I could, if I really wanted to. I could.

We exited the highway and soon I found myself seeing a familiar sight. The pittoresk neighbourhood I had been introduced to this afternoon. Only no children playing outside now and all of the houses were dark. These families tucked in early.

The car came to a halt on the Kennard driveway and through the windshield I look at the impressive mansion. I registered Heero getting out of the van and opening the trunk to get out my luggage, but I couldn't move. Who was I to walk in there and disturb their life? Even though it was only for one night, I now realise I should have stood my ground and rejected Heero's offer. This would be too awkward, for all of us. And what would happen tomorrow? Would I call a cab or would Heero, with his powers of persuasion, talk me into being brought personally by him? And than what would happen? Would he talk me into staying even longer? Or if not, how would we say goodbye? Being near him gives me the shivers, I don't know if I'll even be able to politely shake his hand as a matter of goodbye.

The passenger door opens and the cold air attacks me with full force. Shivering from the cold and the close proximity, I look up at Heero who eyes me, I wouldn't say warmly, because it's a word that doesn't fit him, but in some way his expression was inviting and forgiving and he even extends a hand to help me out. I shake my head and stubbornly remain seated. 'This was a bad idea Heero.' My warm breath is white in the cold air. 'Just bring me back, okay? This was a very bad idea.'

Silence falls between us and for as long as it does I wonder if he will shut the door, no argument and get back in himself, or if he'll go all soldier on me again and once more pain me with the 'leave no man behind' speech, which I thought make a really agonising reference to my act of cowardice seven years back.

Instead he surprised me by saying: 'You're still hungry, aren't you?' It had taken him a particular long amount of time to weigh his words, why else was he silent for so long? I wonder what he would have said if he was more impulsive and less careful with his mouth.

My stomach, earning no point for tact, growls in full agreement. There is no denying the sensation of hunger. It's a primal urge that drives all of man - among other basic urges - and there is nothing I can do but accept my weakness and get out of the car. As I follow him I see that while I was shrinking away in the car, he had already opened the frontdoor and placed my old, ugly bag in the hallway, on the perfect hardwood floor.

Immediately the dog, Edie if I remeber correctly, was all over Heero. Wagging her tail almost violently and resisting the temptation to bark and jump up against him. Heero ordered her to go back to her 'mat' which was apparently how they called the fluffy, comfy looking pillow that I spotted in the livingroom during my previous visit. After a few more moments of showing her excitement at having her master (or maybe he was her 'daddy'?) return home she finally disappeared into the livingroom and she could be heard falling down on her pillow, her tail still wagging.

'Come on.' His bangs moved around his head as he gestured for me to follow him.

I follow him through the hallway, past the stairs, where the hall narrowed. There were two open doorways, the first we pass leading to a diningroom, which I could see was connected to the kitchen by a double, stained glass door. The second door leads directly into a homy kitchen. Country style meets modern technology and designing, in perfect harmony. The dark warm floor really brought out the white color of the old fashioned, farmhouse cabinets and the black, marble kitchentop The sink, oven, microwave and other kitchenappliances were silver. A ceramic stove, located on a cooking island in the center and attached to that cooking island was a glossy black, rectangular table, very modern of design, combined with the more oldschool type of white leather chairs. The fact that there was a second diningtable meant to me the diningroom was only used for exclusive events like those sugarsweet dinnerparties the sterotypical gay man likes to organise.

'Who did this room?' I asked as I stood near the doorway and watched Heero get some things out of the fridge and turn on the stove.

'Ben and I.'

Of course. 'And the other rooms?'

'The same.'

'I just figured you would have hired a designer or something. You never seemed to care for aestethics before.' I didn't define "before" and gave him all the freedom he needed to make his own interpretations.

'We thought of it, but we wanted it to be more...-'

'Personal?' I offered.

'Yeah, personal.'

'Even the kitchen?' In wartimes we made due with bare barracks and a shared kitchen. Why bother with the facade now?

'I spend a lott of time here.'

I took notice that he said "I" instead of "we" this time. 'Cooking?' My voice sounded as disbelieving as I was. Heero-Living-On-Military-Rations-Yuy... cooking?

'Yeah.' He broke an egg on a bowl edge and emptied the shell out. After throwing the shell away he broke another and then started stirring in the bowl. The pack of flower gave away that he was preparing pancakes.

I tried to imagine Heero as a genuine kitchenprincess and found I had the most difficult time to, but I managed. I could see him now, with a grass green checkered apron on, the patern broken by the occasional pink flower. He was stirring away in a bole whilst occasionally stirring something in a sizzling pan on the stove. Then Ben walked in, dressed in his uniform. He was a pilot, Donna had told me that, so he looked all handsome and masculine as he strutted in and gave his wife a peck on the cheek.

His wife. Heero was his wife. With their perfect floor and their perfect dog. Their were like frickin' Barbie and Ken and Edie is that stupid dog Tanner that eats it's own poo! (1)

I immediately shake that thought away, because Heero's hair was becoming blond and growing longer in that fantasy... It was downright frightening.

'Sit down.'

I sat, like a welltrained dog, in one of the four chairs around the table finding it to be surprisingly comfortable, however, not at all pleased with the reflective property of the table. I lay my hands casually on the surface of it, covering the image of myself and then looked at Heero, just in time to see him throw a pancake up in the air, succesfully flipping it. I decide not to coment of his perfect cooking.

Ten minutes of uncomfortable silence later, he places a plate in front of me, stacked with pancakes, along with a bottle of sirop and a tin of sugar.

'Anything special you want with that?'

I shake my head and dig in. The scents made my stomach growls louder and louder and when I swallowed that first bite, I was suddenly able to remember what an orgasm felt like. I quickly shovel in more bites till I have to come up for a air, a window of opportunity which I use to compliment him, even though I hadn't planned to.

Heero shrugs as he sits down next to me with two glasses of water, pushing one of them my way. With a friendly grin he says: 'I aim to please.'

I was about to retort with a smart comment of my own, also slightly laced with sexual inuendo, just to tease him, because I knew he didn't mean anything serious himself, but someone else was first to response. What he implied with his comments was far from sexual though.

'Well I aim to kill.'

I whip my head to the side to find Ben, tall and handsome, half naked, standing in the doorway. He had his arms folded across his bare, impressive chest and his strong biceps were showing. His hair was ruffled and he had a sloe eyed look to him. He had obviously been sleeping, or at least trying to. But his presence, though clad only in grey sweats, was no less intimidating and I clearly understood the message he was sending. He was the alpha male and Heero was the alpha female. And there would be no messing with the alpha female.

I knew better than to try and explain that my response wouldn't have seriously meant something sexual and that Heero didn't mean to imply something either. It was just that we had been good friends in a previous lifetime and I guess we couldn't help but fall back into our old routine - granted Heero was much less responsive back in the day - despite all that has happened since. Ben's look made perfect sense. He didn't want to hear it.

'Did we wake you?' Heero asked, a little concern in voice as he looked up at the tall man. It's the first time I've seen him convey an emotion that could be considered "weak" or "submissive". It was interesting, because even in my wildest fantasies I couldn't imagine that shine appearing in his Heero's eyes.

Ben – or should I say Ken? Even though I imagine more interesting things are located in those pants than in the case of the plastic figurine – snorted and sarcastically spat: 'Do you honestly think I had been able to sleep?'

A quick glance at Heero's face reveals he feels guilty. 'I'm sorry.'

An apology... I am intrigued.

Ben walks into the kitchen and goes to stand behind Heero, placing his hands on the narrow, but well defined shoulders of his lover and leaning down for a kiss. 'It's okay. It's only for one night afterall.' As he kisses Heero on the lips, I can feel him looking at me, but I don't return the look. I know he was once again trying to show me Heero was his, despite the fact that I was not even interested and I don't think the situation looked that way. Something must have happened to make him this suspicious and possessive, or maybe it was just part of his character. I didn't know, but I didn't like it, even though the jealousy was a refreshing contrast to everything else about him, which was perfect.

I had finished my pancakes and the lovebirds had finished their kiss. I yawn excessively, hoping Heero would take the hint and either guide me to the couch. What was I thinking, a couple like them was certain to have a guestroom.

Thank God Heero was still good at reading bodylanguage, though he would have been a fool to misread this one. He rose from his seat and offered to lead me to the guestroom.

I knew it.

Ben stayed behind, fortunately.

In the hallway I picked up my bag, before Heero could, the less courtesy and friendliness the more Ben would get off my case. Heero started climbing the stairs and I followed. I was careful not to look up, instead, I focussed on the steps. We reached the top and stood in the long hallway for a moment. About three quarters of the hallway went to the left and led to four doors. The Masterbedroom, the nursery, the masterbathroom and a study, Heero explained. The other part of the hall was to our right and led to only two doors, two extra bedrooms each with it's own small bathroom. One of them would become The Baby's bedroom when she grew older, now it stored most of Ben and Heero's clothes as they had turned their luxurious walk-in-closet into the nursery, conveniently joined with their bedroom. The other bedroom was the guestroom and when Heero let me in, I was totally amazed.

It was a large room with a light feel to it. The walls were white, the carpeted floor beige and the floor to ceiling, wall to wall windows with slide door were covered by see-through white curtains with a light, beige pattern in it. The bedframe was made out of a light wood and the sheets were white with a baroque pattern with the colours beige, chocolate brown and skyblue, colours which returned in the ornaments decorating the walls and the chest high cabinet for clothes, above which hung a flatscreen tv and in a corner, next to the door to the bathroom, were two comfortable looking, chocolate brown chairs with a coffeetable in between them.

'Wow. Nice.' It makes me wonder what the masterbedroom looked like. But I didn't ask. Afraid he didn't want me to see it, or, perhaps even more so, fearful that he would show me and come to think of it, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to see. It felt too intimate and too personal, to be invited into the bedroom of the man you once called your friend, but whom you abandoned.

I yawned again. Seeing the bed really made me realise just how tired I was. Perhaps I would finally sleep peacefully, though I had my doubts. Sleeping in the guestroom of the friend I had believed was long gone wouldn't bring me into the most peaceful state of mind.

'Goodnight.' Heero spoke as he left the room.

Before he could close the door I turned around and called after him: 'My shuttle leaves at nine am.'

His face in unreadable. He just nods and then prepares to close the door again, but again, I call after him. He pokes his head back inside and waits with a quirked eyebrow.

'Thank you.' I finally say, after some moments of inner conflict. My pride was really getting in the way. I did not like the idea of getting help, much less the knowledge of being in dire need of it and admitting that did not make it any easier for me. But I realised this was just as difficult, if not more so, for Heero and the least I could do was show him my gratitude.

He gives me a smile, small and awkward, but honest, and a 'You're welcome' before finally closing the door.

I could hear him walking across the hall, following Ben, who I had seen coming up the stairs seconds earlier, into their bedroom.

I was wrong for even hoping I'd get a wink of sleep. But I'm not surprised. Though I did not get the reasons right.

I thought that it would disturb me that Heero thought less of me, because of my history of alcohol abuse and the fact that I am an alround waste of space and resources.

I thought the lack of alcohol in my bloodstream would keep me on high alert and disallow me to sleep.

I thought that the knowledge of The Baby – once my baby, my baby girl – peacefully sleeping just down the hall would disturb me. A) because I would have seconds thoughts about the decision I've made. B) because she never used to sleep peacefully back on L2, when she was under my care.

It was a little of all of the above. But the real reason for my state of full consciousness and restlessness, the sweat trickling down my temples and the clenching of my fist is a reason more primal and human.

Sex. Loud, hard, satisfying sex.

And unfortunately, I wasn't any part of it, why else do you think I'm complaining?

Heero wasn't very vocal, but Ben sure was and from the way the headboard was slamming against the wall I'd say they were currently engaged in a pretty intensive workout. This would explain Ben's well defines muscles. Not only was their sex an intensive cardio excercise in itself, it takes some serious physical strength to engage in such athlethic "on the sheet" action.

I had no doubt this was another one of Ben's Aplha Male displays. From this I conclude that though his pants may hold more interesting things than Barbie's "Ken the plastic wonderman", his head doesn't. Why does he think I have this sexual obsession with Heero? There was no doubt about it that Heero was an attractive man. Beautiful even. But I'm gay. The fact that I was married and have- _had_ a child should have given that away.

'Oh, oh, OH!'

I sense the "grand finale" is coming up. But I was wrong. The man just goes on and on and on, winning massive points for stamina. I don't think I have ever been this annoyed in my entire life and yet, I am sickingly enthralled and I find myself climbing out of the comfortable bed and soon I am standing at their door, much to my horror. What was I doing there?! What did I plan on doing? Knock on the door and ask if I could play too? Was I in such desperate need for sex? My own actions disgust me and I want to leave, but I can't. Heero is like a magnet and I am steel. I am just drawn to him. Only the spanning distance between earth and the colonies was enough to lessing this pulling effect.

I pace back and forth a little flooded with the immensity of the past day. Heero is alive! Heero is married to a _man_! And I _gave_ them my daughter!

My daughter.

I'm staring at a door again. But it's not the one leading to the masterbedroom. It's the one to the nursery. Behind this door lay the object of my affection and of my irritation. Being this near, even seperated by a closed door, is upsetting to me. And maybe she sensed my presence and it was upsetting to her too, either because she missed me, or because she didn't want me anywhere near her, but for whatever reason, she started crying. Not as loudly as I am used to hearing her cry, but just loud enough to be heard over the groans and the grunts coming from the masterbedroom.

My heart is beating in my throat. Any moment I expect the two to stop their fierce "lovemaking" and rush to the baby and see me. Which would be totally illogical, for why would they go through the hall while the two rooms are connected with a door? But still, there was this intense fear of being discovered and what would I say than to Ben's angry face?

That I was having second thoughts about the baby?

Or that I was listening to them as they...

Both would cost me my head.

I don't know how to feel and how to respond when I realise they don't hear her. Her crying is exceptionally soft, there was probably nothing... but still... good parents should check. Maybe they weren't good parents. Not good enough perhaps. They don't even hear her. Of course, they have other things on their minds right now and, being new to parenting, their ears weren't finetuned to picking up the cry.

After so many sleepless nights my ears were trained to hear every sniffle and I was trained to respond to it. It was the animal part in all of us, to protect our offspring. Call it fatherly instincts if you will, or stupidity, but without giving it much thought I opened the door to the nursery and stepped in. I couldn't see much in the darkness but by touch mostly I managed to find the crib and the delicate baby inside, her cry increasing in volume.

I quickly picked her up. I had to shush her before she'd draw the attention of the two lovebirds next door.

I should have put her down, I know I should have and I was planning to, but just when I was about to lay her way and make a silent exit I wasn't able to. For a moment I felt like a father again, holding her in her arms, looking down at her tiny face. She has my eyes. And my hair. The rest is all Hilde's.

Put her down! 

_I can't. _Just one more moment, I thought. One more moment with her. This would be the last time I'd see her. This afternoon I didn't even had the chance, nor the courage, to say goodbye. When I saw Heero, I was too shocked. I blurted some stupid things which I don't even remember. Probably something insensitive like: 'You look good for someone who's supposed to be dead!' And then I ran off.

I rock her back and forth but panic strikes when she only starts to cry louder and louder. I am so focussed on her that I don't even notice the sounds in the other room die out till it's too late.

The door connecting the masterbedroom to the nursery opens and light shines in, temporarily blinding me like a deer in the headlights.

Beyond Heero's frozen figure, his hands clutching the sides of his robe to keep him covered up properly, I can see his room, the lamps on both nightstands were on and I could see Ben just climbing out of bed. When he turns and sees me the first thing he does is quickly wrap a sheet around his exposed lower anatomy. The second thing he does is walk over and demand to know what I'm doing. He's furious, but who wouldn't be, they had been interupted at the most unfortunate of times...

Heero tells him to keep his voice down and then takes firm steps me and takes the babu from me. I don't fight him and gently place her in his craddled arms. I feel terribly ashamed when I see the look on Heero's face. He looks uncomfortable and unsure and he is most certainly thinking of this afternoon, when it dawned to him this baby was - had been- mine and he expressed his concerns about adopting her. I had assured him I was okay with it and said no one was more qualified. Now, it seemed I was contradicting my own words and he must feel at least a bit betrayed and hurt, not the kind of feelings he isn't used to but promised not to cause him any pain any longer. Of course, that's a promise easily kept when made under the impression that he was in a deep coma. I reject the idea that it's entirely my fault, afterall, he was the one to invite me back into their home, he, the soldier who expects the unexpected, should have seen a situation like this coming.

'I'm sorry... She was crying.' I explained, my apology was quick and meaningless, but I felt better after saying it anyway. I'm looking back and forth between Ben and Heero hoping for leniency.

Ben rolls his eyes. 'Yeah right, loud enough for you to hear it at the other side of the house, but not loud enough for us to hear?'

Ofcourse I was tactful enough not to mention that they were "busy".

Heero could read it in my eyes however. 'Thank you.' He said, his nose painfully pressed into the facts. I had heard them have sex. Then he added: 'We can handle it from here.'

Ben looked completely indignified at his wife's words but a sigh of discontent was the only sound he made.

I nod and relieved at being excused I quickly make my exit and disappear into the guestroom. For most of the night I lay wide awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling wide eyed as I just couldn't tune out the voice coming from the other end of the hallway. But finally, after what could have been minutes, hours, months or lightyears all noise died out and there was this blissful moment of realisation. Earth was quiet. And with that on my my mind, I found my long lost sleep, against all odds, as though being here, near my magnet, somehow created a balance within me. It was a strange comfort I did not expect to find... especially not after all that we've been through. And though Heero was holding up well, I'm sure he must feel the same turmoil as I did. Torn between the positive and negative effect we had on eachother.

The last thing on my mind, before I succumbed to sleep, was the question if I was strong enough to resist his pull and leave behind this precarious balance of negatives and positives when morning comes.

**Yay! I'm sure as hell happy with it. Maybe not so much with how it turned out, but most definitely with the fact that it's finally finished! After three rewrites I've finally finished another chapter... Ahhh, the sweet release...**

**Tell me what you think, I hoped you liked it, if only a bit. I found it really challenging to reintroduce the two to one another, I hope I somewhat succeeded. The end is a bit of an anti-climax but I **_**had**_** to end it here and I didn't know how else to do it. **

**I'll be starting on the seventh chapter immediately and I hope I will finish it in a shorter amount of time than this one.**

**Untill then...**

**- Crimson**

**(1) one of Barbie's latest companions... Tanner, a plastic and felt labrador I believe. I had wanted to name Heero's dog like Barbie's, to give Duo more ground for his comparison, so I did a little research but I just could not do that to the poor thing. Fictional or not, no dog deserves to be named after a toy that eats it's own shit (which it does... you feed the thing brown magnetic 'cookies' which imediately spurt out of the other end... so you can make her/him/it eat it again shudder. They sure invent some weird toys nowadays, I wonder what kind of message they were hoping to send...) Ergo, I named her Edie, because I think it's a cute name.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Not as long as the previous chapter, but it can't be raining inspiration all the time, now, can it?**

**I hope you'll enjoy. R&R!**

**Ps: snowdragonct: Thanks for your review! You might not know it but you gave me some good pointers ;) **

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter seven**

I woke at a quarter to ten AM. I had missed my flight back to L2 by nearly an hour and I knew the next wouldn't leave for another 24 hours. I waited for the panic to arise. To sneak up on me and cause me to hyperventilate and go blind with a need for alcohol. The vague need was there, it always was. Alcohol was the first thing I thought of every morning. The last thing I thought of every night. And all that ever thought about every moment in between.

But the panic did not come. Even though I knew very well that it should.

But the choice had been taken out of my hands and that was a relief of some sorts. Very unsoldier-like, I note.

When the clock struck ten, there was still no panic and I was still lying in bed peacefully. Remembering the previous day. It all seemed like a distant memory right now. Like so much time has past since than, I could laugh about it now. But even though I had grown comfortable with yesterday, today was no less agaonising and facing this day was like standing at the foothills of Everest, looking up, knowing there was no escape. You had to climb it.

This day, from the moment I leave this bed, would be my Everest. And catching the next shuttle is the summit. In between, I had to climb.

I stand at the foothills of mount Everest, wearing nothing but shorts, carrying no oxygen and without a back up plan.

Imagine my dread.

I postpone meeting the not-so-happy-couple by taking a long leisure shower and taking even longer, longer than usual even, to dry my body and my hair and get dressed. Nothing more fancy than jeans and a T-shirt. As I prepared a thought struck me that the two, or atleast one of them might be at work. Or maybe they were both still sleeping...

With my hair still partially wet I take a deep breath, open the door to the hallway and begin my ascent. Quietly.

Silently I walked downstairs. My bare feet barely made any sound. A human couldn't have heard me. But a dog could have, obviously.

Edie came flaying around the corner, out of the kitchen, she came to an abrupt halt at my feet and recognised me after a short sniff. She immediately started wagging her tail, like I was an old friend of hers. If it was true that dogs had a good sense of a persons character, than this dog was a little tweeked.

I never really liked dogs all that much. I'm more of a cat person. They are more broody, gloomy and independant. I couldn't imagine what it must be like to deal with this raging storm of enthousiasm every morning. When you have to get out of bed early and rush to make it to work on time. Pouring smelly dogfood into a bowl while trying to consume your own breakfast. Have her push her wet nose into your crotch when you've just put on your good suit, shedding hairs all over you.

Maybe she'll go away if I pet her.

I stroke her twice, over the head, where her fur was most soft. But instead she just expected more.

'Good dog. Good dog.' I say nervously, unsure what to do. I'm not used to seeing a living being be so excited about my presence.

By now she was jumping up and down, raising to stand on her hind legs, fer front paws placed against my abdomen for balance. I pet her a few more times till she finally lowered herself down. Then I made a mad dash for the kitchen. She followed. Of course she did. She is dog, she can't distinguish between a fugitive and a playmate. She was in for a disappointment though. I shut the door to the kitchen just before she could follow me.

Through the stained glass I could see her blurry form. She waited a while, tail wagging, till she finally gave up and left for the livingroom.

'Not a big fan of dogs?'

'Jezus!' I whipped around and saw Heero sitting at the glossy black table, today's newspaper spread out in front of him, a steaming cup of coffee in his hand.

'You want breakfast?' Heero didn't even look at me. He had an irritated tone to his voice and was already half absorbed back into his newspaper, not even waiting for my answer.

But what did I expect? For him to wait on me hand and foot? 'No.' I approach cautiously and then sit down in the chair furthest away from him. 'Thank you.' I added softly, but even this show of politeness got me no further attention. I studied him for a while, as he read the newspaper, but found I was quickly bored. He made no facial expressions as he read. Whatever news was in there, he wasn't shocked, surprised or disgusted, he just read it with a slight frown in his forehead, as though he had a hard time understanding.

'I thought maybe you had gone off to work.' Yes, idle conversation, that's a good idea. Beats the silence any day.

'No.' And silence fell once more.

It takes just about every shred of selfcontrole that I have left within in me not to start tapping on the tabletop with my fingers. Eager to find some sort of escape out of this pool of uncomfortableness of olympic size I look around the kitchen and my eyes fall upon the coffeemachine, a half full pot of steaming coffee called out to me. 'Do you mind if I pour myself a cup?'

'Go right ahead.' He said matter of factly and turned a page.

I pour myself a cup and ad no sugar or milk. I like it black and strong, strong enough to make it feel like I've just been kicked in the face. That's how I like all my drinks. Usualy I pour some sort of alcohol drink into my coffee but I knew better than to ask where I could find the scotch. I sit down and drink my regular, black coffee. Scrunching up my face at the first sip. Not how I was used to having it.

I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer. My mug had been long empty and I had been staring at the bottom of it for over fifteen minutes. I had to speak up. I had to apologise. 'I heard you guys fighting last night.' It seemed like a ligical way to bring the topic up.

Heero looks at me briefly, reading my expression, recognising my concerns were genuine but it made his glare no softer. 'Yeah?' Though it was spoken as a question he appeared no to expect further conversation for his eyes shifted back to the newspaper.

'I'm sorry.' I hastingly say, not wanting him lose his attention to the paper. Now that I had it, I had to hold on to it. I thought it was unfair of him to treat me this way. They had fought, hissing at eachother with an intensity that was previously unknown to me. I could sympathise, I've had my share of arguments with Hilde. But now he was punishing me. Giving me the "silent treatment". He was trying to pin the blame on me, intentionally or not, and it was working, I felt guilty to the bone, while in fact, it was not my fault. He was the one to drive to Chicago in the middle of the night and beg me to come home with him. What he's doing is unfair.

But I couldn't tell him that. It had nothing to do with pride, but everything with pity. Heero was the victim, now and in the past. He was the one that got hurt and now I am afraid to hurt him once more. I also didn't want to start a fight with him. Whatever kind of relationship we were involved in with eachother right now, wasn't worth fighting over, because even though in my heart I felt there were still things between us, buried feelings resurfacing, every bit of common sense told me he is as much of a stranger to me now as he was when we first met and I had felt compelled to shoot him. Twice.

'It's not your fault.'

Oh. In my head I had already been arguing with Heero. Why he was angry with me and why he bamed me. But our angry voices died out. He didn't blame me? His words sounded sincere...

'Marriage has good days and bad days. Yesterday... was definitely a bad day...' He said, raising his eyebrows and shaking his head a bit.

Tell me about it.

'I take it you and Hilde split up?'

This caught me off guard. Just like Heero had said last night. Somtimes, even Gundam Pilots get caught off guard. I wasn't even aware that he knew Hilde and I were married. Maybe he didn't, maybe he just assumed we were an item. Did he know the baby was Hilde's? I don't think he knew her well enough to recognise her features in the baby's face so how...

'Quatre told me you married her.'

Oh. That was going to be my next guess. 'Uhm... yeah we were married.'

'So did you?' He put the newspaper down and focussed on me with that same frown. I wonder why all of a sudden he shifted his focuss of interest towards me.

'Hm?'

'Did you two split up?'

I nod and pretend I take a sip of coffee, hoping he hadn't noticed the mug was empty. I just needed to break the conversation. I wanted to crawl into that mug and die, but no such luck. Heero kept on coming with his questions.

'Is Abby hers?'

'No.'

Heero leans back, surprised, it shows on his face quite surprisingly. 'No?'

'No. She's yours now.'

Heero glares at me. He must notice by know I am trying to wurm my way out of his questions, but it didn't stop him from asking. He was just too stubborn. 'You know what I mean. She is, isn't she?'

'Yes, of course she is! Goddammit Heero...' I slam the mug down onto the table and look away. My whole body is tense with anger, I don't know why, his words weren't insulting, not intentionally upsetting... but the memories he brought up... whether he meant to or not...

My outburst startled Heero and renderred him silent.

I want to apologise again, but I don't. I bite my tongue. I've apologised enough, more than I've ever had. He was out of place interrogating me like that. I need a drink. One drink and everything would be alright. One drink would fix everything...

'How is she?'

'Fine.' I gritted out, turning my head even further away from him, feeling a form of disgust.

'... what happened?'

'Jezus Heero!' I turn my furious face towards him and pin him down with my glare. He is not as moved by my rage as I would have wanted him to, but the slight widening of his eyes and the tensing of his muscles is enough. 'What are you expecting?! Huh?! You think some idle chat about the past will make us all buddy buddy again?!'

Heero's gaze turns cold and he leans back in his seat. The soldier takes over. 'I thought we still were.'

I roll my eyes. 'Still were _what_?!'

'Friends.'

I rub my forehead with my fingertips. I'm suddenly struck with a screaming headache. I don't want to fight with him, but he just makes it so hard not to. I didn't want him butting into my life, just like I hadn't wanted to butt into his. Just that he invited me in, didn't mean I'd gladly return the favor. I could have stood up and walked away. But where to? This was his house. There was nowhere I could run from him, he had every right to follow me. And I didn't have enough money left to buy myself a taxi back to Chicago. If I spend any more money, I wouldn't be able to afford my ticket back to safety. Far far away from here. But never far enough.

His mere presence did something to me. It wasn't disturbing, in fact, he had quite the opposite effect on me. He had a calming and strengthening effect on me. An effect I could easily become addicted to, like I had become addicted to the effect of alcohol. And now I needed alcohol. Now I couldn't go on one day without it. I didn't want to need Heero. I didn't want to be unable to live without him for even one day. Because I would have to live without him for the rest of my life.

The baby started crying, as if on cue and it broke the atmosphere. Heero waited a few seconds, taking in my reaction to the high pitched cry. I dodn't even flinch. I imagine that would satisfy him, that I am letting go.

He stands a grabs a bottle of preheated babymilk. As he walks out of the kitchen I can see him testing the temperature of the milk by letting drops fall onto his arms. Someone had been reading parenting books. Leave it to Heero not to take on any mission without being prepared to the full extent. It had struck me last night as well, how relatively fast he was able to comfort the baby. I'm assuming it has something to do with the atmosphere around him. His aura of calmth and strength. Everytime I approaches her, I brought with me a wake of insecurities and perhaps this is why she would never stop crying when I held her in my arms. Because I never expected my attempts to have any success.

Heero, on the other hand, radiated confidance. I wonder how he would fare as a parent. I'm thinking he'd do well.

I needed to set something straight, so I follow him upstairs.

The door to the nursery was wide open, but still I knocked before stepping in. Now I could see what I couldn't last night. The walls and ceiling were painted blue, with white, puffy clouds. The furniture was white and a colourful mobile hung above her cribs, animals of many species in every imaginable color. The curtain had a rainbow colourscheme. Vertical stripes going from the darkest of greens, to the brightest of yellows.

In the center of it all stood Heero. Looking very mature with the baby craddled in his arms, one hand holding the bottle to her lips. The baby was looking up at him with wonderous violet eyes. Wondering who this person was.

In an attempt to look casual, I leaned against the doorframe and just watched. Waiting for him to turn his attention to me. Though he had long noted I was there, he took his time, I don't know for what, till he looked up at me, his was face neutral, but his eyes looked questioning.

'We're not friends.' I start.

He listens and doesn't interject.

'We couldn't be. We have been apart for too long and in that time, too much has happened. We are different people now, we've changed. That's why we are no longer friends. Not... not because I don't want us to be, but because it's impossible. And it's impossible to ever will be again.'

After a while one of the corners of Heero's mouth is drawn up in a crooked smile. 'You have no faith Duo Maxwell.'

I guess there was a core of truth to that.

'Impossible as it may seem, I still consider you a friend. Because no matter how much a person changes, a friendship never does. Yes, we are very much different now, we might not even like eachother anymore, but I could never turn my back to you, because of that. I'm still loyal to you and I want to help whenever you need me to.'

I looked down at the white carpet. His speech confused me. He talked like a friend, but was that because he genuinely was one, or because he felt obliged? Because he felt like he had to keep some sort of promise to me. A promise to always be my comrade... Like he owed me.

Was it obligation, or friendship that made him reach out a helping hand to me?

Was the hand even that much of a help? All he had done was offer me a place to stay the night. One night, by accident it turned into two nights. Do I now consider him to be of great help? Because he gave me food, shelter and a warm shower over the course of thirtysix hours?

Come to think of it... 'Why didn't you wake me? I missed my flight. Why didn't you wake me?'

'Because I didn't want to.'

Confusion strikes me with avengence 'Why?'

'Because I didn't want you to leave.' He placed the baby back into her crib and gave the mobile a swing.

Ten tiny fingers reached up for the colorful animal bringing a warm smile to Heero's face. He reached down and gently took hold of one of her hands, he seemed to have forgotten all about me.

'How are you going to name her?'

It appeared to take a while before Heero's brain registered my question and he answered absentmindly: 'We haven't decided yet.'

I nod. It wasn't my business. I probably didn't even want to know. To me, she just looked like an Abby.

But Heero didn't look like Heero anymore. He was so much different. The way he smiled, even though they were only small, I had never seen him glow like that and thought still jealous and upset I could find it in my heart to be happy for him. Maybe there still was more between us that I had let myself believe. Maybe Heero was right, maybe some bonds don't fade, no matter how much time passes and no matter how much one changes.

But this thing between us, whatever it may be, it wasn't what it used to be. So Heero wasn't entirely right. Even our bond has changed. It might not have snapped entirely under the pressure we exerted on it, but it had most definitely changed and I think by now, we are holding on to eachother by a thread and what Heero was doing was nothing but a doomed attempt to save a lost cause.

Still, I wonder why he was trying so hard. Surely he didn't want things to return to the way they were. Did he?

**Hmmm and what exactly were they like Duo? Mwuhahahahahahaha!. Admit it though, I was pretty quick with this one, wrote most of it on the same day as the previous chapter, the block must have been lifted. **

**You'll be hearing from me again soon.**

**Don't be **_**too**_** enthousiastic...**

**I'm off to work now and then I have some serious studying to do, but hopefully the next update won't take too long. **

**Ja ne!**

**- Crimson**


	9. Chapter 9

**Fuck the studying. I'm in the flow, I'd better ride the wave before the sea of inspiration turns quiet again.**

**I re-read the previous chapters (or atleast the seventh one) for some obvious spelling errors, I didn't do that with this one, I have been working on it the entire day and right now, even though I'm glad I wrote it, I can't stand the mere sight of it. I'm sure some of you writers out there can sympathise with this. **

**I hope it was worth my ten hour agony.**

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter eight**

I find that wartime and peacetime are very much alike. And it makes me wonder why I gave so much... why I gave everything of myself to bring the wars to an end. If I hadn't been a Gundam Pilot, if professor G had never came by in his black limo with blinded windows, rolled one window down and offered me the 'opportunity' of a lifetime, I wonder what my life would look like right now. If the war had started without me, I'm sure that it could have ended without me as well. So what would that Duo, of a different dimension, be like right now? The Duo who had never killed. The Duo who had never been part of anything greater that his own life and the day to day struggle. The Duo that was just living from one dream to the next, hoping, one day, one of them would come true?

Would I still be on the streets of L2, amongst hustlers, hard criminals and aging prostitutes, all starving as much as I am. Or would I be married and have a proper family? I probably wouldn't have met Hilde. No war, no Hilde. No Hilde, no Abby. But maybe I had been able to find myself a decent job, earn myself a living, buy my very first place of my own. Meet a girl. Do what straight couples do: get married and reproduce.

It's so difficult to imagine what I would be like. Because Duo wouldn't be Duo without the hardships the war put me through. Without my disfunctional bond with Heero, Quatre, Trowa and WuFei. Without my brief but passionate love for Hilde. Without having Abby. Without meeting Donna. It's so difficult to imagine, even with my fantasy, that I begin to think that that is all there is to me. There is no more beneath that skin toughened by war, within that heart in which I couldn't even find the place to shelter my comrades.

I realise that without that all, I would not exist.

So therefore, it must be meant to be this way. Professor G was guided to me by higher powers that dark and cold night. The war had been planned and couldn't have been prevented by anything less than devine intervention. It was destiny to meet Heero. It was even my destiny to shoot him and feel guilty about that to this day. My path was so strongly intwined with that of the other pilots that they would become part of my life no matter what. And meeting Hilde and marrying her, was all part of the "grand plan", as was having a baby with her. As was the fact that our marriage was doomed to fail and my fathership was set up to be shortlived. And that all inevitably led me down to earth, to be reintroduced to a brandnew, very much conscious, Heero and be placed under his care, as though, by adopting Abby. He got a second, troublesome, immature being as a bonus.

I fear what else life has in store for me in the future.

Today fitted perfectly into the line of "Devine intervention". I was meant to miss my shuttle. If I hadn't overslept I would probably have broken my leg descending the stairs or would have been involved in a horrible, but non-fatal carcrash on my way to the spaceport. Or Aliens would have landed, abducted me, performed all kind of tests on me only to release me back into the care of Heero, who would have me strapped to the bed because no one would believe the "abduction" story, especially Heero.

So I should consider myself lucky that life's first attempt to stop me had been succesful because it sure as hell was the least painful one.

Luckily, Heero wasn't a round to tie me to the bed. He had taken the baby to the doctor. She wasn't sick. Not more than she always is, but even though we gave him a full medical report, Heero was yet to be satisfied. The ex-pilot – never an ex-rebel or ex-perfectionist – didn't do things half-assed. He did them right. No, not not right. He did them perfect.

Three weeks after she was born, after a rushed midnight visit to the hospital, we were told she suffered from a serious immuunsystem deficiency and she would have to take medication for the rest of her life...

FLASHBACK

October second, AC 205

Hilde was sitting next to me, shivering in her seat. Her teeth chattered even though I had offered her my thick, wintercoat over five minutes ago, not long after the doctor told us to take a seat and wait patiently, she just wouldn't warm up. Or maybe she was long warm, but she wouldn't stop shivering.

Both of us were only in our nightwear. For me that meants a loose pair of sweatspants and a thin shirt. Before we left the house I had been smart enough to put on a thick sweatshirt and my coat. Hilde was sitting in her silk nightgown, that didn't reach lower than he knees. She wore fluffy pink flipper, a prank gift I had given her, which she didn't receive all too well because when I told her I had a surprise for her, she probably expected roses and a romantic dinner. She had brought a vest to cover her bare shoulders, but that wasn't enough in the cold, drafty hall on the hospital.

We weren't the only concerned and shivering people sitting there. More lives were at stake here at the emergency room, but I didn't care for those other people. In fact, I wouldn't even care if the lovedones they were all praying for, dropped dead that very second. As long as my baby girl would be alright.

After studying their faces, gaze cast down at the mintgreen floor, expressions of pure devastation and worry, I turn to look at Hilde and she doesn't look much different from all those other people, quietly crying in this hallway, waiting for news. Hoping it will be good.

Silent tears are running down her face and her lip is quivering. But what makes it most prominent to me that she is upset, is the fact that she is not trying to be pretty and look perfect. Right now she didn't care about the way she looked. Her mascara had run, making her cheekbones black and leaving her lashes thin, grey and short. Her light freckles were showing and her hair, which had grown to past her shoulder, was a mess. And she wasn't even sucking in her stomach, which she had been doing almost constantly after Abby's birth.

She looked terrible, but I was never attracted to her more than I was now. This was the Hilde behind the make-up. A Hilde I didn't know very well. I'm not ashamed, nor afraid to say that we didn't marry for love. I always expected that the love would come later. We would grow into that, but if the baby died this night, there was no point in waiting for our love to bloom.

I lay my hand on her thigh and give it a squeeze, but she barely allows me to. She swats the hand away. When I look up she refuses to make eyecontact. To ease her mind I speak up: 'She's going to be alright.'

'No she's not!' Hilde cried out, startling the rest of the mournful crowd gathered in the hall. With a lower tone she hisses to me: 'Didn't you see her?! Her face was... was all red and bloated... She looked like she was about to explode!'

I take hold of her shaking hands, look deeply into her eyes and repeat my words. 'She is going to be alright.'

Hilde snorts and wipes away some of her tears. Her sadness is turning into anger./ With a glare she points out to me that I wasn't the most faithful type of man. 'So why this sudden burst of optimism?'

I shrug, I didn't know what to say to her. I was just trying to make her feel better, but she just shot me down.

'You're just saying that to make me feel better! I don't want you to make me feel _better_, I want you to feel worse!'

All I can do is stare at her. I didn't understand what she meant by that and what she wanted me to say.

She shook her head and tears started falling freely again. 'You just don't get it. You just don't care...'

Not knowing how to respond I look away and catch a glimpse of the docter who had admitted Abby walking towards me, holding a bucket full of water. I didn't even have the chance to frown or to duck as he suddenly threw the contents of the bucket, liters of icecold water, towards me. A direct hit in the face.

I close my eyes and sputter, struggling for air, coughing up water and not liking the way my soaked shirt clings to my body or how my bangs plaster to my face.

When I open my eyes again, I am no longer at the hospital. And the docter is gone. Instead, I see Heero, from an awkward position. The first thing I register is the fact I am lying down and from the looks of it, it is in the livingroom, on the couch. The next thing I register is Heero holding an empty bucket in his hands, drops of water falling to the floor.

Lastly, and hard to miss, I see the pissed off expression on his face to which I quickly sit up. Regretting it the moment I do as my head begins to throb in protest and all I can do to relieve the pain is to shut my eyes tightly and rub my temples.

Whilst in pain I hear Heero roughly putting down the bucket and picking something up from the coffeetable. I can feel him waving the object in front of my face and identify it by it's smell.

'I told you not to drink!'

I wince at Heero's loud voice. It hurts so much! 'Please... not so loud...' I beg him with a hoarsed voice from alcohol consumption.

'I'll speak to you at any volume I prefer!' He retorts, even louder than his previous comment.

I nod and surrender to him, maybe my submission will make him warm up to me and lower his voice. I hope he will sympathise and forgive me, but I'm guessing he won't. Even though I now know him for forgiving me for things far worse than passing out drunk on his perfect couch... which was now soaked like I was. But he was to blame for that.

'Where did you get this?!' He was still waving the object in front of me.

I open my eyes to have a peek and confirm the identity of the object he is holding out to me. Yes, it is indeed the empty bottle of scotch I had thought it was. 'I found it like that...' I slurred and closed my eyes again, I didn't need to see him role his eyes to know what he thought of my defense.

'Of course you did.' Heero spat sarcastically. 'But that's not what I asked.'

He waited for me to answer his previous question. But I didn't... mainly because... 'Can you repeat the question?'

His anger was reaching astronomical levels. 'Where did you get this?!!'

I concentrate and try my best to remember. The last few hours are a bit foggy right now. Actually... the last few days are a bit foggy... 'Uhm...'

'_Well?!_'

'Gimme a break! I'm trying, okay!'

Heero sighs loudly and I can sense he wants to storm off and scream, but he doesn't, not before he has his answer. Even though he probably already knows, because where I found it was the only place in the entire house where alcohol was to be found.

'The study...' I finally remember. Remembering my frustration as I finally found a glass cabinet full of different brands, only to find it-

'That cabinet was _locked_!'

A brave glance up at him, painful as the sun caught my eye, revealed he was throwing his hands up in the air and then let them drop down to his sides. I could hear his hands making contact with his thighs. His anger is subsiding and he grows silent and somewhat calm as he thinks. I don't know about what, his face is as hard to read as ever, but I'm thinking he tries to remember why he invited me here.

While he tries to remember, I've never known why. If I was Heero I wouldn't have invited myself in. I also wouldn't have a dog quite as annoying as he had, whom I had to lock up in the kitchen as she just wouldn't leave me alone. Of course, I could have gone upstairs... why didn't I think of that after I finished the bottle and dropped down on the couch?

As though he read my mind, Heero suddenly looks at me again and asks, a little concerned: 'Where's Edie?'

'The dog?'

'No, the monkey.'

'... I locked her in the kitchen.'

'Duo!' Heero was already heading for the kitchen, to rescue his dog.

'What?!' I called after him. 'I gave her food!' I wince as I could hear him grumble angry words that I couldn't make out. In seconds the dog, Edie, had reached me, with her permanently wagging tail and glittering brown eyes. I roughly pushed her away and groaned: 'Bad dog! Bad dog!' as she started, to my horror, licking my face. I'd almost think I had given her scotch instead of water, but I knew better, I wasn't the type to share.

Gently I lower myself back onto the couch, not caring that it's wet and cold. I close my eyes, just for a little while, I tell myself, to rest them an to ease my headache. Just one minute and then I'll help Heero clean up the mess I made... dog food and water all over the entire kitchenfloor... Just one minute...

'Hmmmm...' I moan, contented. Slowly, I open my eyes and wait patiently for my vision to adjust. Amazing how one minute can make me feel so much better and so well rested. I leisurely stretch out my limbs, taking up the entire length of the couch, which had dried surprisingly quickly.

When I open my eyes for a second time I see most of the lights in the house are turned on and a glance out of the large front window told me it was dark outside. Not dusk kind of dark, but the pitchblack kind of dark. How long had I slept?

Sitting in a dark corner, in the comfortable, large white chair, staring into thin air, was Heero. His face painted orange by the light from the neared lamp. He looked deeply in thought and I didn't want to disturb him, but I knew that I couldn't keep my mouth shut for much longer. And above that, Heero always knew when I feigned sleep.

Slowly I sit up, careful not to repeat my blunder of this afternoon. My head is only lightly throbbing, not even enough to be that big of a bother. My movement drew tha attention of the silent Heero. He's just staring at me, no expression on his face, or emotion in his eyes whatsoever. He is just... staring.

'How long did I sleep?' I don't remember my voice ever being this gruff even though I didn't drink as excessively as I do most of the times. A new record not to be proud of.

For a while he just continues to stare at me and it didn't appear he had heard my question. Finally, he blinks, for what seems like the first time and he shifts his gaze downward, to his right arm that is resting in his lap. With his left hand he pushes the long sleeve of his button-up shirt up his arm to reveal an expensive looking watch. The slight frown on his face tells me that he to did not expect this long amount of time had already passed. Slowly he looks back up and then speaks up in his regular, monotone voice. 'It a quarter past eleven.'

'No shit.' I let out, in hopes of lightening the mood. No such luck. 'How long was I out?'

Again he waits a while before answering, his steely glare numbing my body. 'Almost six hours. Not counting the time you were out before I woke you.'

I chuckle 'And wake me you did.'

He didn't find me very amusing.

'I'm sorry about the mess in the kitchen...-'

'It's been taken care off.'

I didn't expect anything else.

I am relieved that he finally looks away and it feels like a massive weight has just been lifted from my shoulders now that I no longer have to carry the burden of his intensive glare.

I sigh... 'I'm really sorry Heero...'

'You already apologised.' He points out.

'I'm not just sorry about the mess. I'm sorry about everything.'

He stares at me again.

Shit.

'"Everything" is a lot to be sorry for.'

'You know what I mean.'

He shakes his head, his bangs move around his face in a mezmirising way. 'No. I don't. Define "everything".'

I don't. I didn't mean to specifically bring up the past. I had hoped that this apology would suffice. 'Tomorrow I'll be gone and I won't be bothering you any longer.' I say after a while, after he had long looked away again.

'That's where you are wrong...'

He is right. Somehow, our paths, which couldn't have been further apart the day before yesterday, had managed to enwinte tightly again and no matter how great the distance between us tomorrow, the discovery that is has awoken, would "bother" me. And the rememberance of my existance and the knowledge of my problems, would "bother" him.

'Because you are not leaving.'

Shocked I look up at him and prepare to burst out in laughter at the very first sign he gives me to indicate he was joking. But he never gave me such a sign, instead, he kept looking at me, dead serious.

'You can't force me to stay here.' I exclaim.

'I know. I was hoping to convince you.'

I was tempted to tell him was a "mission impossible". But I didn't because thus far, Heero had managed to accomplish every impossible mission assigned to him and I feared this one would be become the latest mission of that long list which included examples like: Saving earth and colonies. Twice. Coming back from the dead. Not looking visually offensive in spandex shorts. Making Relena love something even more than she loves pink: him. The list goes on but I don't care for reading it out loud.

'Do you want to go?'

'Yes. I really do.'

'I believe you. It's like you said: You run and hide, but you never tell a lie.'

I nearly blush like a schoolgirl, honored that he has so much faith in my honesty, however misplaced it may be. 'I'm not as honest as I once implied by saying that...' I admit.

'I know. I was referring to the "Run and hide" part of your intro.'

I grumble. 'Thanks.'

'I don't mean to be insulting.'

I don't respond. Heero never means to be anything. He's just 'honest', that's what he always says and that's all he ever means, to be honest. For someone who always speaks with such heavy words he is pretty in the dark when it comes to recognising just how heavy some of his words can weigh.

'You can't just quit cold turkey.'

Wait, now we are talking about my alcohol addiction again.

Either I said that last sentence out loud or Heero's powers have grown to such greatness he has mastered the art of mindreading for he said: 'I'm not talking about your drinking problem.'

Good, because I can quit. I just don't want to. Why should I want to? What harm is doing?

'I was talking about being a father.'

I look up at him, wide eyed, but not surprised, just, unsure and uncomfortable to be talking about this. I find that it's easier to forget about things by not talking about it. Like five years ago I had sworn never to say Heero's name out loud again. A promise much easier to keep when you're hundreds of miles apart and one of you is on the verge of death.

'I saw the look in your eyes last night-'

'It's better that I don't interact with her. I could grow attached to her.'

Heero offers a small, comforting smile. 'Do you really believe that Duo?'

I nod. Of course I did. Yesterday afternoon I was happy with turning my back to her and never seeing her again. But when I held her in my arms last nights... There was no denying the fact that I had trouble letting her go, despite her annoying, loud cries, expensive medicin and smelly diapers.

Heero shakes his head 'I meant, do you really think you aren't already attached to her?'

I don't know how to tell him. How to break his faitytale bubble. He had this rosy perspective on parenting. Love at first sight kind of feelings... I too fell in love with the baby at first sight, right after she was born and was gently placed on Hilde's chest. But like most loves at first sight, it wasn't meant to last. The only reason why I loved her was because I was supposed to. Because God wired man like that. Love and protect your children. I'm not sure if there is anything other that that obligatory love.

'Duo... I don't want you to be a stranger to your daughter. I want you to know that you can come and visit her whenever you want and I want your permission to tell her, when she's old enough, who her real father is.'

'Heero, you just don't get it, do you? _I_ want to be a stranger to my daughter! Why else did you think I gave her up? Because I wanted to be a part of her life?'

'You gave her up because you couldn't handle the responsibilities. I'm not trying to burden you with those.'

His offer was tempting, so tempting. But what kind of a coward would _that_ make me? "I'm sorry, I love you, I just don't want to change your diapers and feed you in the middle of the night"? At least by fully giving her up I showed some strength by being able to let go. Right?

'I'll leave. Tomorrow. It's what is best.'

Heero gaze hardens. 'Best for whom? For Abby, who never gets to know her real father? For me, who has missed you all these years and has to let you go in hopes that you will be alright? Or for you? For your alcohol addiction?'

I pointed my finger at him and through my teeth I seethed: 'I told you. I _can _quit.'

'You couldn't even stay sober for one day! You invaded our privacy by entering a room you had no permission for to enter. You picked the lock of a locked cabinet to get it! And you made a mess of our kitchen, in which you locked up our dog?! She could have seriously hurt herself Duo!'

'And that's _exactly_ why I shouldn't be a part of Abby's life! Because I can't even handle the responsibility of looking after a _dog_!!!' I bury my head in my hands. Over the course of the conversation I had noticed we started referring to her Abby, something I hadn't intended to do. It was proof that Heero was getting to me. She was becoming Abby to me again, instead of just a baby. It pains me to admit that should would probably never be just "a baby".

And though Heero probably thought he was helping. He wasn't. He was just cornering me into saying yes to something we both didn't really want. Or at least shouldn't want. It's over! "We" are over! But there was no denying it. I was right. The affects of being exposed to Heero was already weighing heavily down upon me. I was becoming addicted. I didn't want to leave. It feels like I have been working so hard for so long and now I am sick and it feels so comfortable to have someone take care of me. On L2 I am alone. Truly alone. I was broke. I would soon be evicted. I'd lose everything. And then what? _Then_ come crawling back to Heero? I might as well swallow my pride right away, or end up on the streets...

With my head still buried in my palms I ask: 'What about Ben?'

'Don't you worry about him. He'll understand.'

He sounded pretty sure. But then again, why wouldn't he? If he could convince me of staying, how could he not convince Ben of being okay with it? Of course, my mind, weakened by dispair, was a little easier to work than Ken's airhead.

This morning he had been particularly nasty to me. Probbaly because he didn't sleep peacefully after his fight with Heero. And the fact that I was still a factor in his life didn't make matters any easier for me.

In one day I had manage to fully integrade myself into this household. The dog loved me. Heero wanted me to stay. I managed to become a part of their present because I was a big part of Heero's past. I had even managed to interfere their lovelife. Ben was bound to be angry and he had every right to. He had been expecting that yesterday all his dreams about having the perfect family would come true. But now it seems that his dreams was crumbling to dust before his eyes. I could almost sympathise.

Doesn't make him less of an ass though.

I was greatly relieved when the phone rang and it turned out to be one of Ben's collegues. A pilot had fallen ill and was unable to fly the newest jumbojet, capacity: 987 people, speed: mach 1, full of exhillerated earthians from Chicago to Sydney, Australia. And they asked for him to fill in. Thank God that deep down he was a good and loyal person and could not say no to such a request. He would be gone till the wee hours of the night.

When he came downstairs after dressing I got my first opportunity to see why Heero had fallen for the guy. He looked amazing in his pilots uniform and from the military rankings on it could tell that he had been a pilot in the Earthian army as well, during the war of AC 197 between the United States and the newly formed Republic of Europe.

I stated the obvious: 'You're a pilot.'

Ben had turned towards me, surprised to find I was talking to him. He straightened his shoulders and announced with pride: 'Yes. For SuperSonicAir.'

He must be good. SuperSonicAir is picky when it comes to appointing pilots. I'd know, I applied for the job myself. I was desperate enough to make routine passenger flights between L2 and L3, I can't believe I'd actually voluntered for that grind. That doesn't mean I wasn't disappointed when they shot me down. I was too young, too irresponsible.

I nod, it's the closest thing I'll come to admitting he had impressed me. Only a tiny, little bit of course. I nod at the military accents on his uniform. 'You were in the army.' Again, more of a statement than a question, but he responded anyway, in a gloating matter, not so much impressed now. Did he forget I, just like the misses, was a Gundam Pilot? When it comes to the world of piloting, piloting a Gundam is pretty much the ceiling, carreer wise. He flew a... what? An F-31, top speed only at mach 5. But still, a war pilot deserved some level of respect.

'The war against the Republic. AC 197. Ninetythird squadron. We flew in F-30's.'

Oh, that's right, F-31 weren't industrialised till 198. Ninetythird squadron, interesting. Since they only sent to war squadron one to fiftyfive... 'So... you've never been to battle?' Maybe I got my facts wrong again.

'No.'

Than he didn't know. He didn't know what flying was about. Flying was about adrenaline and emotions. Flying was about surviving and about living. But he didn't know and he would never understand. I wonder how Heero could possibly be with someone who didn't understand something that was so fundamental to us war pilots. Maybe Heero never spoke of the war... Perhaps he didn't even remember everything. It was possible that because of the braindamage he lost a part of his past. I hadn't thought of that till then.

Before Ben left he gave poor, innocent little me, who was sitting in the kitchen, a foul look then he had a quiet conversation with Heero in the hall, out of my sight and out of my hearing range. However, I reckon he made sure I could hear the wet kiss they shared afterwards, he even threw in a content moan for good measure. But it didn't matter. He could impress me all he wanted, I don't care. I'm sure that on the inside he is a good guy, and on the outside to when I'm not butting into his personal life, because I believe Heero is capable of picking partners better than that. And I can't blame him for feeling threatened. I actually find it to be a great compliment that he thinks he has to impress me, as though drunken, scrawny, messed-up looking me would stand a chance against perfectly-proportioned-Ben.

'Duo?'

Heero's voice jerked me out of this afternoon and back into this evening. Rights, he was in the midst of convincing me to stay. 'I want to stay. But at the same time... I don't.'

'You can stay for as long as you want. For as long as you need.'

That was what convinced me. Because he finally gave me some freedom and loosened the reigns he had on me. Fine, I'll stay. I didn't vocalise my decision, I just looked at him and he knew.

He gives me one curt nod.

We spent the next hour or so in total silence, each drowing in our own thoughts. With that curt nod our discussion came to an end. It was settled. I'd be staying.

For as long as I wanted.

For as long as I needed.

Those two sound like one and the same thing, but I had a feeling I would _need_ to stay much longer than I _wanted _to.

**Wow... another chapter. I'm impressing myself.**

Snowdragonct: you're right, Ben is an , I didn't intend to make him like that, but it's just easier to write him that way. Oh, btw, thanks for your second review, I'm glad I got you hooked, I hope I will be reeling you in ;)

**I guess the ninth chapter will also be up soon. **

**- Crimson**

**PS: wish me luck for the tests I now **_**didn't **_**study for. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Wow, all those reviews all of a sudden. I love them! I'm afraid though that my inspiration is fading. And it took a lot of difficulty to write this chapter and I don't like it nearly as much as the previous ones, but it will have to make do. I don't think the next chapter will be up very soon, unless I'm struck by a bolt of inpiration once more. **

**Snowdragonct: unfortunately there were no multiple answer questions and yes you are a bad influence. If I flunk, the blame is al on you :P . I have tests for different subjects the entire week, the one I referred to, the first of the bunch, was english, that wasn't too difficult, this might come as a surprise: but I'm the best in the entire school when it comes to english... goes to show just how much the other students suck ;) And the other subjects... well, that's a lost cause anyway, so why study?! Ergo, the next update. I'm glad you liked the previous one btw!!!!**

**Aida: I'm sorry!!! But he just **_**has**_** to be that way. **

**LaSirque: Wow... I guess this concludes it... Ben really is an asshole... Glad that despite that you still like the fic. PS: shhh, don't spoil it! ;)**

**Again, no spellcheck, I apologise. I'm too darn lazy. **

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter nine**

Do you ever wake up regretting yesterday?

Ben didn't come home that night. He called Heero and apologised. There was a delay, he was still in Sydney, he won't be back till late tomorrow morning.

I could see the diappointment in Heero's eyes and another apology from Ben didn't ease his troubled feelings. I immediately had the sense that this was not a rare occurance, for Ben to phone in the middle of the night.

I watch Heero as he holds the black phone in his hand. I notice that it's a regular phone, no videoscreen, but it's not that fact that I find interesting. I'm looking at Heero's hand, his right hand which holds the phone to his ear. For the first time, though I've been studying Heero intently ever since I got here, I notice the silver band on his ringfinger. I don't know why I had missed it before and why it appeared to me now, so sudden. Perhaps it was the way the dim orange light caught it, but it didn't matter. I couldn't take my eyes off it. In the meantime, I was fumbling with my own ring.

We had chosen for gold. Two identical gold rings, which we slipped onto eachothers fingers as we stood at the altar, in front of all of Hilde's friends and families and some of my collegues, before the eyes of an old minister and God in a small but beautiful church that Hilde had picked out for the special occasion with great care.

I remember how she had struggled to slip the ring onto my finger. It turned out to be too small, but, with the laughter of our guests in the background, she refused to give up and her face had grown red with effort till finally the ring slipped past the last joint. I had joked lightheartedly at the fact that I could never get it off, unless of course my finger had to be amputated because the bloodflow was cut off. Hilde's family laughed, but Hilde herself didn't, instead, she seriously replied: 'You shouldn't worry about that. Because you will never _have_ to take it off.'

It turns out I had to. But I couldn't. The fit was too tight. Maybe if I used a little soap and gave it my best efforts... but why invest so much time in it? I didn't want to take it off that badly. It was a reminder that one day, I had it all. It had yet to motivate me to win "it all" back, but maybe, someday, it would. Maybe someday it would spark my hope and send tingles through my body and force to stop walking down the easy road, which led nowhere and only guided me in life through viscious circles and choose the more difficult but righteous path of life.

The path that led somewhere.

Though, at the moment, I'm completely in the dark about where that would be and what would be there...

After Ben's call the comfortable atmosphere in which he had bathed for the past hour was broken and we both retreated to our "quarters". I went into the guestroom after peeling my gaze away from Heero's hand as he stood near the phone for a while, staring at it. When he directed his gaze towards me I had quickly removed my left hand off my ring and hoped he didn't notice. Heero didn't speak and left for the masterbedroom, but not after saying goodnight to the still nameless baby.

When the frontdoor opened the next morning at ten thirty, I couldn't stop my curiosity from taking me out onto the hallway. I crouched down at the top of the stairs, out of sight in the shadows, the hall had no windows and the lights were off. Coming in was the tall, broad figure of Ben, his uniform already half undone. He looked tired but satisfied and clearly happy to be home again. I heard, then saw Heero approaching him, coming from the kitchen. A part of me is surprised the way he is acting, like a housewife. A part of me isn't. Because one part of me acknowledges the fact that Heero is fundamentally still Heero. But another part of me sees how much he has changed.

I watch with prying eyes, not even ashamed at how carelessly I am invading their privacy as Ben takes an excited step forward and takes Heero's short frame into his arms, hugging him tightly. He proceeds to lean down and kiss him passionately. Their kiss grows wilder and wilder and though Heero's hands remain on Ben's neck, Ben's hands begin to wander up and down Heero's body to finally cup and squeeze his ass.

At the growing intimacy of their kiss, Heero slowly parts. He doesn't let go of his husband, but he creates a sufficient distance to look him in the eyes. I can only see the back of Heero's head, but I can tell his look is serious, because Ben's mood changes to serious as well. For a while, they just stare at eachother and don't speak. They are having a conversation with their eyes and it appears Ben understood this form of language perfectly.

His arms drop from Heero's waits and he looks around, frustrated, sighing loudly.

He knows.

'He's still here?!'

Heero shushed him. 'He's sleeping.'

This time even I could understand the wordless communication between them. Ben couldn't care less if I was awake, sleeping, comatose, or dead.

'Heero...' He then childishly whined, reminding me of Relena. 'You said he would leave. One more night, you said.' He buries his hands in his blond hair, messing it up.

Heero reaches up for Ben's arms and draws them back down. 'He needs to be with people who love him.'

'Then why is he still here?!' Ben sarcastically asked.

Heero let go of his husband and instead placed his hands on his hips. 'Don't be like that. It's not funny.'

'Baby,' This time Ben was the one to initiate bodycontact. He placed his hands on Heero's shoulders and gave them a light squeeze. 'You don't owe him anything. If anything, he owes you.'

'It's not about who owes whom.' Heero looked away. 'Forget it. You don't understand.'

Ben releases Heero and becomes more and more irritated with his defiant behaviour. Perhaps he had grown used to an obedient wife being around. In his frustration, he threw his hands up in the air. 'Not the war-crap again! Just because I never went to war, doesn't mean I don't know about comradeship Heero. And whatever kind of relationship you guys are involved in... that's not comradeship. That's about you not being able to let go of the past. That's about you still...' He didn't continue, rage seemed to be renderring him silent. He bit his tongue, like he knew that if he went on, he would say things he would later come to regret. Either because Heero would be hurt. Or because Heero would have punched him in the gut. I'm still torn on who Heero is.

If it had been me and if this had been during the war. I would be doubling over right now.

But at the same time, if it had been me and this had been during the war, he wouldn't have come towards me to greet me when I returned. So I guess my answer lay in that observation.

'It's not like that. You have to stop being so goddamn possessive. I want to help him because he is my _friend_.'

'Well, hell of a friend he is! Leaving you behind all alone in a hospital bed, unconscious. Twice!'

That's right, I left him to fend for himself after the war as well. But what was I supposed to do, sit by his bed and hold his hand through the night? That wasn't like me. And it wasn't like Heero either.

'He's staying.' Heero said and it sounded definitive. With that he turned on his heels and walked away, towards the livingroom.

Ben stopped him with a question, just before Heero walked past the stairs and out of sight. 'Till...?'

Heero whipped around and placed his hand on the banister, even from this distance I could tell he was gripping it with a strength that I was very familiar with. Just by thinking about that time he hit me in the gut I double over. 'Till he's ready.' He turned again, but not to go into the livingroom, he had apparently changed his mind and took strong hold of the banister and placed his foot on the first step, directing his glare upward.

My eyes widen as we eyecontact and for a moment, Heero freezes at the bottom of the stairs, but he doesn't say anything, and after a few dragging seconds he starts climbing, ignoring Ben who's was making loud sounds of frustration.

Ben disappeared into the kitchen by the time Heero had reached the top of the stairs, where I still sat crouched on the floor, there had been no sense in running away from me, if he had something to say, he would say it, no matter where I hide.

He looks at me, angry, but walks on and I watch him go. Surprised, but maybe, even more so, disappointed. The same disappointment Heero must have felt when he found me drunk on his couch yesterday. Disappointment that comes with the realisation that the person you have relied on and trusted with your life, didn't turn out to be as strong as you expected him to be. Let alone as strong as you needed him to be.

Had Heero's flame died? Had his strength withered? If that was the case, how did he expect to help me?

Suddenly, halfway down the hall, towards his bedroom, he turns on his heels and we lock gazes once more. I swallow under his relentless, enfuriated scrutinity and wait. I wait for the soldier. The strong soldier I needed him to be, to get us through this. How else can we be near each other if neither of us has the same self control that we used to have?

'Stop doing that.' He hissed, so Ben wouldn't hear and the baby wouldn't wake up. 'I know you were listening to us the first night as well.'

I just keep looking at him. Studying him. Reading him.

'Stop doing that.' Heero repeated and then entered his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. The baby woke up to the loud noise and started crying, but Heero was quick to comfort her and soon an eerily silence overcame the house and all I could hear was my own breathing.

I'm still torn. I can't decide whether this display of anger showed his control and his strength, or his lack of control and strength.

Even though I had wanted him to strong, it felt horrible to be hissed at like that. Hissed at with pure resentment, resentment that he was struggling so hard for to obscure from my watchful eyes.

I woke up this morning regretting the decision I made last night. Like I often woke up, at any given time of day, regretting many things I did wrong while being intoxicated.

What I had hoped for was for Heero to ease my mind and remind me why I agreed to stay. I had hoped for him to say soemthing strong and comforting that would confirm the righteous of my decision, but he had yet to day that. The day was still young, but my mind was already made up.

I should have been more considerate and I shouldn't have thought only about myself when I wieghed my options. My presence was disturbing his life and, more importantly, disturbing his happiness. Heero had been so kind by inviting me in despite... despite everything, the least I could do to pay him back, was to leave. To remove myself from his life so we could both forget our pasts and get on with out future, because the future is all we have, and our memories could ruin it.

In the end, it was hunger that forced me to go downstairs. I was as quietly as possible, hopefully neither of them had retreated into the kitchen so I could eat in peace, unnoticed and escape back up to my room again before they's make me submit to their wrath.

But like before, Edie gave away my position by barking loudly and wagging her tail. She looked up at me pleadingly, begging for my attention. Apparently she had forgotten all about the fact that I was the one responsible for the fact that she had been locked up in the kitchen for six hours yesterday. If she remembered, she sure didn't hold any grudges, but she was the only one in this household who seemed to be able to forgive and forget.

'Yes, yes, nice dog... Wow, we don't even know eachother!' I joked lightheartedly as she pushed her snout in my groin. 'Edie... _Edie_...' I tried but there was just no getting her attention. I remembered that with dogs, it was all about the tone of voice. 'Edie, sit.' I command strictly, but she appears to be deaf to my orders.

'Edie, come here.' It was Heero who appeared, coming out of the livingroom. He didn't look at me, only at the dog.

Edie finally manage to tear herself away from me and approached her master. He gave her a few rewarding pets and then she somehow got the message and retreated to her pillow in the livingroom.

'Thanks. I owe you one.' I lean back a bit, straining my body to look into the livingroom, besides the dog, there was no one there. 'Ben was called to duty again?'

'No. He's doing the groceries for a friend.'

Becausehe needed to get out of this place, or because things have settled down and he is carrying on? I ask myself.

I follow Heero into the livingroom, where he sags down heavily on the same couch I had blacked out on yesterday. He looks drained and bored because of that. Because he is too tired to do anything. A quick glance in the other direction revealed that he had been watching tv, Technology Channel by the looks of it, a sister channel of Discovery Channel. I am so not surprised that he is watching this, even though it's a beautiful afternoon, the sun shining brightly, but a light breeze eased the excrusiating heat comfortably.

'Why aren't you outside?' I stood by the window, pushing aside the curtain a bit to better my view of the street. I was looking at the field, where a group of children were playing soccer. 'The weather looks great.' I added.

Heero shrugs, I could tell by the way his shirt rustles, then he leans back and I can hear him change the channel. 'After a while you kinda get tired of the weather here.'

I couldn't imagine how. Wasn't sunshine supposed to lift ones mood? 'Why? The sun is always shining... must do wonders for your garden'

'Yes, exactly, it's always shining. And your wrong, too much sun kills everything.'

"_Too much love will kill you..." _artist Freddy Mercury, from Pre Colony band Queen, sings softly in my head.

I looked at the kids again, examining them more carefully. He was right, they were dressed very lightly, but they didn't seem to mind the permanent fixture of the sun up in the day's bright skies. 'Then why don't you move someplace else?' It's seemed like a logical question to ask.

To my question Heero shrugs. This sparks my curiosity, though never one to volunteer many words, he always answers my questions, what makes this question different? 'Have you eaten anything?' He asks instead.

I shook my head and could feel my long braid swinging from left to right, once the heavy weight of hair settled I turned my head to look at Heero. In turn, he was looking at me.

'Do you want me to make you something?'

'If you don't mind, I'd like to fix something for myself.'

Heero nods 'Sure, make yourself at home.'

As I walk out of the kitchen, I mentally retort to his comment: I'd rather not. Apon entering the kitchen I heard he had turned up the volume and couldn't help but smile as I noted he had switched back to the Technology Channel.

While I ate I tried to think of a tactful way to back out of the decision that I made yesterday.

I had know all along that the need would outlast the want, but even I didn't expect I'd want to leave quite this soon. But it was for the best and I was being mature by making this decision. The decision to stand on my own to feet.

But still... I feared breaking the news to Heero. I feared he would once more talk me into staying.

Perhaps I didn't have to tell him and sneek out without him knowing. And I would have broken his heart again, that way he wouldn't have to feel guilty and he wouldn't have to worry about me. That way he could finally let go of me and I could let go of him. And everything else...

If I just got out of bed early enough and found a way to get out of the house undetected (by the dog and by Heero... I realised my plan had a major flaw. I couldn't spare enough money to get a cab back to chicago.

When I came her with Donna, I so how rediculously much she had to pay, forty dollars for a short drive, while my shuttleticket back to L2 was only three times more than that. Ofcourse that could be explained by the fact that not many people were interested in going to L2 - which would explain why only one shuttle left a day - so they couldn't charge a hell of a lot for a seat on a shuttle with L2 as destination.

Walking was not an option. Though I had walked greater distances in the war, my body wasn't in topcondition and I'd probably pass out from sheer exhaustion on the halfwaypoint. I could try hitchhiking, but I had little faith that anyone would pick up someone like me off the side of the road with my unshaven, tired face, messed up hair and thin, drug-addict, build.

I was back to square one: How to tell Heero. It was even more difficult now, now that I had allowed myself to get used to the idea that there was an easy way out that didn't involve awkward conversations and unnecessary arguments.

'Goodafternoon.' A gruff voice interrupted my thoughts as it greeted me and then walked into the kitchen.

It was Ben. Whoopty do. Apparently he hadn't just done the groceries for a friend because he was carrying two, brown paper bags into the kitchen and started to unpack.

I listened to him as I stood at the kitchencounter, eating the big sandwich I had made for myself as quickly as I could without suffocating myself. To leave right after he had come in just wouldn't have been subtle.

Ben didn't speak, he just unpacked, I guess he wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to him. I heard the fridge open and close several times, the same goes for various cabinets till finally the bags were empty and he threw them in the garbage.

My whole body was tense, I hope he didn't notice. At least he had the courtesy not to comment on the uncomfortableness of the atmosphere and he left as soon as he was done unpacking, without ever saying a word. I didn't hear where he went, the sound of my own laboured chewing drowned out everything else. I swallowed the last big bite. As I moved to place my plate in the dishwasher, my eyes fell apon a black object, lying lonely on the kitchentop, not far from the sink. As I focuss my eyes on it, I recognise it as a wallet. It must be Ben's. Just a simple, black leather wallet. Nothing special, nothing fancy. It looked old and worn, but I could tell that it had once been expensive. The Kennards weren't short on cash. Their entire lifestyle was proof of that. Their house, their furtiniture, the food their ate, the clothes they wore, the identical rings they wore on their ringfingers, their watches, which both appeared to be of an expensive designer brand... It makes me wonder what Heero did for a living, surely Ben couldn't afford all that from his pilot-paycheck?

I frown and carefully extend my hand towards it. When I finally grabbed it, I relinquished the touch of the soft leather and curiously I sneaked a peek inside and did a quick count. There was about two hundred dollars in here! They wouldn't even notice if I took some to pay for a cab.

At that thought I immediately put the wallet back exactly where I found it and turned my back to it.

That wasn't me. Not anymore at least. In my defense I always said I stole for the sole reason of survival, back on the streets of L2, when I was just a little kid with talentled nimble fingers. That hadn't been a lie and it wouldn't become one now!

I could hitchhike. And if I couldn't, I could always walk. It wasn't that big of a deal, in the war we have all walked greater distances.

But my condition has greatly deteriated since then...

I'd probably pass out from exhaustion after the first ten miles. My body wasn't used to exercise anymore. And if I pass out on the side of the road, I could be run over. Or someone could kidnap me and torture me to death. All kinds of terrible things could happen! And didn't Heero say he wanted help me?

_No! Stop it! _I say to myself. I had already made the mistake of justifying my alcohol abuse with poor excuses, blaming it on my depression and loneliness, I was not about to let my lack of proper judgement talk me into becoming a kleptomaniac!

Stealing is wrong.

Killing is wrong.

Drinking is wrong.

Hitting people is wrong.

Hurting people is wrong!

I know all this! I know it, so why can't I stop myself?

Is it the alcohol? Is it the depression? Is it the medication?

_No. _ _Those are all just excuses... _I come to the fearful conclusion. _It's not the alcohol. It's not the depression. It's not the medication. It's me. It's who I have become..._

My eyes were drawn back to the wallet.

As were my hands.

**Naughty naughty Duo. I know, the chapter sucks huh? But bear with me, the inspiration died halfway into this chapter and from then on it's pure stubbornness that kept me going. **

**Please rview, tell me how I did. Tell me if I should keep going on stubbornness or just suck it up and wait for 'inspiration' to return?**

**Love,**

**-Crimson**


	11. Chapter 11

**Okay, since my favorite reviewer told me to keep it up, I will. Yes snowdragonct, that's you ;)**

**Snowdragonct: It's funny that you think stealing a few bucks fits Duo 'perfectly' and the other reviewer, knyghtshade thinks it doesn't fit him at all. Well, I'm with you on this one, afterall, it's only the beginning of the story, Duo has a lot of changes to undergo and besides, he is still under the influence of alcohol. Like good ol' dr Phill always says, the mind of an alcoholic (even when 'sober') is always warped by booze. Thanks for reviewing again and making me feel a little better about my previous update. **

**Knyghtshade: don't worry, things will be different, they are the way they are right now because this is a character development story and how can they develop when they are already perfect from the beginning? ;) Thanks for your review.**

**Again, not one of the best chapters but I'm not all that dissatisfied with it.**

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter ten**

As was to be expected, I couldn't sleep that night. But for the first time – and I can't believe I'm saying this - that's a good thing. Because I had planned my escape for tonight. The shuttle only leaves at ten AM, which leaves me with eight hours, but as of yet I am unfamiliar with Heero's dayly routine and I don't know at what time he gets out of bed. But if he is anything like the soldier he used to be, he will be up and running by seven and I can't risk oversleeping.

I'm not worrying about Ben, he was called on duty again. I haven't decided whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that Heero didn't seem bothered by his departure. It was probably a good thing, they both needed some space. There had been serious tention between them all day.

Even though I have to, it's hard to leave th bed. It's warm and comforting and I know that the world beyond these thick covers is harsh and cold. But I have no other option. If I wanted to stop hurting myself and Heero, I had to go. I owed him this. And I deserve every bit of discomfort that comes with it.

I had severly underestimated the cold, but at least now I was wide awake, with goosebumps covering every inch of my body. From the chair I pick up the clothes I had picked out for this occasion and get dressed quickly. I'm not in a hurry, I'm just really cold. My bag is already packed, I figured packing it in the middle of the night, in this silent house, would be too noisy and might wake up someone.

When I had went to bed I hadn't bothered to unbraid my hair because I knew I'd get out soon anyway, so within minutes I was ready to go.

My heart is beating louder than during any other 'mission' I have ever been on, despite the fact that they were more dangerous. But perhaps I am wrong about that. Perhaps this is the most dangerous mission I have ever been on. Because all the pain will go straight to the heart. And not just mine.

'Don't chicken out Maxwell.' I say in my most strict tone and blinking at how much I sounded like WuFei just now. I'd better watch my mouth before I start muttering about injustice. I wouldn't want to make a hypocrit out of myself.

One more glance around the room, before I leave. The room looks exactly the way Heero introduced it to me two days back, except now, there is a note lying on one of the pillows on the bed. It's in a cream envelope I had stolen out of the study, along with the pen I had used to write Heero's name on the envelope and to write the note itself. It was a short note, but to me it was the most meaningful thing I had ever created. Not counting the baby of course. For someone who talked as much as I did, I wasn't very good with words, so I had kept it short, not overcomplicating the matter or leaving him with question that might make him feel compelled to come look for me and pry the answers out of me.

Now for the hardest part...

I open the door to the hallway soundlessly, calling apon every bit of stealth skill that I still had left within me and I found I had a bigger resource to tap from than I had thought and I couldn't even hear myself as I made my way to the top of the stairs. Before going down I make sure the duffelbag is secure on my shoulder and won't move, which would cause noise.

I can't help but cast a quick glance at the doors at the other end of the hallway.

_Farewell Heero. _

I balance on one foot as I lower the other to the highest step. Slowly I step onto it with both feet. The next step I skip, because I remember it creaked. The same goes for the forth step from below. I had paid extra attention to that when I made my way up to my room this evening. Preparation is half of the mission.

The house is completely dark but I move with appropriate confidance. Stealth had been my speciality and it is comforting to know I hadn't lost my touch. Maybe the old Duo wasn't as long gone as I thought he was...

It takes me fifteen minutes to reach the bottom of the stairs, where I wait and hold my breath. No nails scratchin across the hardwood floor, no swooshing sound of a wagging tail. The coast was clear.

I repress the sigh of relief and step across the hall on the tips of my toes and in three large steps the doorknob of the frontdoor is within my reach and I take careful hold of it. This was the most dangerous part, frontdoors make a habit out of making a lot of noise because they were made out of heavy wood that were bound to make the hinges creak and the temperature difference between inside and outside made them get stuck in the doorpost.

Gently and slowly I unlock it and wince at the loud klick that echoes through the hall. I was ready to bolt back up to the door as I focussed, but I didn't hear anything other than the blood rushing to my ears. I needed to get out fast, maybe Heero, a light sleeper, had woken up.

I fully concentrate on opening the door as softly, but at the same time as quickly as possible and had to sicrifice some of the silence to get the job done in a shorter amount of time.

As I slowly opened the door a bit there were so many feelings going through me, so many contradicting feelings, that I took a moment to just relax and go over my plan once more. I'll close the door and softly, but quickly leave the street, undetected. Then I will walk the first mile towards Chicago and make a call for a cab at the first phonebooth I encounter. I saw a few gasstations on the way here, so that shouldn't be a problem. Then I'll get in the cab, go to Chicago, hang out in the spaceport till morning and then leave.

Ben's fifty collar bill was burning in the backpocket of my black jeans. It almost caused me physical pain. I felt guilty, but not guilty enough to put the money back.

'Where are you going?'

I jump back, away from the door. I had poked my head out and was so deep in thought that apparently I hadn't even noticed when Ben approached me. He was standing behind the door, in his sweats and shirt, his arms folded around his chest. I swallowed 'You scared me there.' I said softly, though chances were Heero had probably already woken up at Ben's exclamation and was on his way down.

'Don't worry about waking Heero.' Ben said with regular tone and volume of voice. 'He takes sleeping pills, they make him sleep like a log. Pretty much nothing will wake him uo till the pills have passed through his system.'

His words triggers a flashback of the winter of AC 198, of an orange pillbottle on Heero's nightstand. I don't mention it, I don't even know if heero had told Ben about his suicide attempt.

'Now where _are_ you going?' He closes the door a bit, to keep out the cold I presume, since he is dressed so lightly.

I figured I had no reason to lie to him. It wouldn't be of any success "going out for a stroll" wouldn't cut it in a situation like this and if I truthfully tell Ben where I'm headed, I don't think he will stop me. 'To L2.'

'The shuttle doesn't leave till ten am.'

Keen sense of observation you have mr Kennard. 'I don't want Heero to know.'

Ben nods 'Right, you think he won't notice that you're gone?'

I glare at him. 'No. I didn't want him to know _when_ I was going, so he couldn't stop me.' After staring at each other for a while, I asked him the question I was dying to know the answer of: 'Why are you?'

Ben opened the door again, wide enough for me to go through. 'I'm not stopping you.' He answered casually. 'I can't force you to stay. I just wonder how ell you've thought this through.'

I narrow my eyes at him. 'What do you mean?'

'What good do you think leaving in the middle of the night would have done?'

'What do you want me to do? I thought you wanted me out.'

'I do. But Heero doesn't. You should at least give him some time to do what he feels he has to do.'

'And what is it that he needs to do?'

'Help you.'

I look away. 'He doesn't owe me anything.'

'If you leave now, he will always wonder what it would have been like if you had stayed. You might as well give him the answer.'

Suddenly I realised what he meant and I whip my gaze back up at him. 'You want me to stay so I can screw up and he will_ kick _me out!'

Ben didn't say anything, which confirmed my suspicion.

He is expecting me to screw up. He is counting on it. He is counting on me to be remain the failure I have always been.

'At least that way you'll both have your closure.'

I roll my eyes angrily at him. 'Fuck you Ben.' I grab the door, open it even wider and step out with large strides. I could feel Ben's green eyes looking at me as I walked through their garden, not at all as silently as I had planned to be, but with no fear I would be followed.

That was a misjudgement however.

Ben took a few steps out of the house and called after me, though I didn't turn to look at him as he spoke: 'I don't know what you are so upset about.'

I kept on walking.

'Isn't that the reason why you are leaving now? To hurt him? To make sure he won't come after you?'

I wince and close my eyes, he was throwing salt in open wounds, but I limped on and distanced myself further and further front the house.

I was hurt. He words stung like the worse bullet wound I had ever suffered and not because his insults and his reliance on me to screw up is unjustified, but because they were true. So true. That hurt the most.

'Fucking asshole.' I muttered with hoarse voice as I stomped out of the neighbourhood, holding onto my bag tightly.

On foot I baraley managed to make it out of Joliet. I got lost. I had memorised the way in, but for some reason I was disoriented. Somehwre along the way I took one wrong turn and know I had no idea where I was. The only thing I knew was that this was not the place to be alone in the middle of the night. There were lots of illegal bars and hookers on streetcorners. But no phonebooths. Except for one, but that one was totalled. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear this was L2.

'Hey suga'!'

I look to my left to see a woman, pretty but not very clean and with too much make-up, walking alongside of me, her heels tapping noisily on the sidewalk. 'Hello.' I say, uncomfortable with the way the situation was progressing.

She closed in on me till we were walking shoulder to shoulders, he hand 'accidentally' brushing my sides in a manner that was probably erotic, but I wasn't seduced. She had a hard time keeping up with my quick pace. Perhaps if she wore normal shoes it wouldn't be so difficult. She quickly grew angry at the way I was completely ignoring her, so she gave up, stopping dead in her tracks. As I walked on, pretending I didn't even notice she was gone, she called after me: 'FAGGOT!'

I wince at that, but I am careful not to let her notice and I slip into the next bar I came across to escape the hookers on the streets and, with a bit of luck, find a working payphone.

It was busy in the shady, smoky bar. Only men, rough looking men in leather jackets, drinking at the bar, smoking at the tables and playing pool in the backcorner. It was a scene very familiar and very tempting to me, but if I got drunk now I would never make it to the spaceport. I approach the bar and wurm myself through the mob of tall, broad men surrounding it and try to get the attention of the swamped bartender who has trouble keeping up with all the orders shouted at him.

'Excuse me!' I called, but he walked right past me with two shots in his hand.

'Excuse me!' I repeated as he passed me again, but he didn't hear.

'HEY!'

Finally I have his attention, he is looking at me with his eyes drawn up and seems impatient for my order.

'Can I use your phone?!' I shout to be heard over the loud music.

The bartender nods once and then leaves again, leaving me in confusement. I watch him as he takes more orders and serves more drinks. He didn't seem in an awful rush to guide me to the phone, but I had come this far, I had to be patient.

Ten minutes of agony later the Bartender approached me again and I smiled friendly at him. He didn't even seem to notice and then placed a shot of alcohol in front of me, only to quickly leave once more to tend to the other waiting customers, some of which were screaming at him.

'Hey! I didn't order this!' I call, pointing at the glass, but he had already turned his back to me. What was with this man? And what was with all these other men?! There were standing around the bar like a herd of thirsty antilope around a drying up waterpool, pushing eachother to the side, desperate to get a sip before all the water would be evaporated by the sun.

'Watch it!' I yell when one man is pushed against me. 'Goddammit...'

Almost automatically I grabbed the shotglass in front of me and threw my head back, drinking it all in one large gulp. It had a calming effect on me almost instanbtly, but it was also fuel to the fire of need that constantly burned within me. A need for alcohol.

By now the bartender was handing out shots to everyone, so I got my second and, after remembering the blissful taste of the first, I couldn't stand the thought of it going to waste, so I drank the second one as well.

I look around and I couldn't help but think that this madness was what I was leaving Heero's care for. This was what Heero tried to save me from. These men here looked nothing like me, I didn't recognise myself in any of them, let alone in their rediculous behaviour, but somehow, I knew that any outsider, would see no difference between me and them. A bunch of rough, unclean looking men who had lost control over their lives. A pathetic bunch.

A crowd of lost causes.

That's what any outsider would see. Any outsider but Heero. He saw the same pathetic bunch as everyone else, but he didn't see any lost causes. He never saw me as a lost cause, I know he didn't. I wonder why.

Maybe I already know why. I had my theory. Heero had once seen himself as a lost cause, why else did he attempt suicide and now, now that he has survived and regained his health, he was doing better than ever. Maybe that has taught him a lesson he was trying to apply to me.

Ben sees soemthing entirely different. He is so stuck on seeing me as a lost cause, I'm probably not even a human being to him anymore. I could sympathise in a way, I can only imagine what things Heero had told him about me. Very bad things. True things. So I can't blame him for viewing me as a hopeless case, but a part of me is just burning to prove him wrong.

The same part of me that didn't want to leave Heero, not now, not back in 198, nor in 196.

A stubborn, optimistic part of me, the part that would never die because it didn't believe in death. It doesn't believe in endings any other than happy ones.

A part of me that was greatly influenced by alcohol and made me do stupid things like walking down the streets naked or kissing a stranger. Because it didn't fear consequences.

The crowd around me finally dies a bit as most of them retreat to the pooltables to make bets on the winner.

Now that things had quiested down, I am approached by the bartender.

'You wanted to use the phone?'

Finally. 'Yes.'

He gestures for me to follow him so I walk around the bar and into the area behind it. He leads me to a backroom where a second bartender is sitting with his white shirt half undone, his face wet with sweat, it looks like he had passed out from enjoying his job a bit too much.

'Here.' He holds the phone out to me.

'How much do you want?' I ask as I take the phone from him.

The bartender shrugs and then smiles at me. 'It's on the house.'

I nod my thanks and perpare to dial, but he interrupts me.

'As were the drinks.'

'Thanks, that's very generous of you.'

He is looking at me in a strange way and suddenly I had the feeling he did want something in return for all of this generosity. Before things could progress down a path I was not eager to follow I turned my back to him and dialed. Back at the mansion I had taken the time to memorise several phonenumbers. That of Heero's house, just in case. The number of the informationline of the spaceport and the number of a cheap taxicompany.

The phone rang three times before it was picked up.

'Hey, can you come pick me up somewhere?' My voice slurred a bit from drinking, but I don't think anything other than an attuned ear would have noticed.

There was a moment of contemplation on the other end of the line, then: 'Sure.'

'Thanks Ben.'

**There, another chapter, finished!!!! I didn't want to waste too much time with Duo doubting if he should stay or go, so, he's staying. Yeah, you go girl! You prove that asshole wrong! ;)**

**Thanks for reading, leave a review!**

**- Crimson**


	12. Chapter 12

**A very short chapter. This is what I wrote shortly after the previous one. At the end of it I got stuck I find myself to be unable to continue, so I've just posted it, and see what good or bad comes from it. **

**I pray the next update won't take this long.**

**PS: I didn't beta this chapter, I have too much of a headache from staring at an empty Word page all day...**

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter eleven**

I started to recognise the neighbourhood again and realised that I made a left turn where I should have gone right. But there is no sense in regretting that now. I had made uo my mind. I was going back and I would be staying, Ben was the only one who wasn't aware of that yet, so I spoke up to set that misconception straight: 'Just so you know Ben, I'm not coming back just to screw up and leave again. I'm staying.'

I looked at Ben closely. His only response was a smile he tried in vain to conceal. I didn't know why he smiled. Maybe because he still believes I would screw up, no matter how hard I'd try not to. Or maybe because he is finally warming up to me.

I may never know.

I may never care.

The car pulled up onto the driveway and my hand went for the doorhandle directly, but something in Ben's bodylanguage stopped me. He had something to say. I released the door and turned to him. He seemed a bit amazed at my interpretation skills but didn't mention it.

'We shouldn't tell Heero.'

I agreed, but still I couldn't refrain myself from asking: 'Why, wouldn't it make you look good if Heero knew you convinced me to stay?'

Ben looks away with another one of those secretive smiles. 'There is no need for me to _try _and look good to Heero.' He makes eyecontact, the curling of his lips has turned into more of a smirk than a smile. 'He already loves me. If you really intend to stay and not screw up, it is _you_ who should try his best to look good.'

Again, I totally agreed, but I still thought he was hiding an agenda of his own. Surely it must do him some good by keeping this a secret from Heero? Why else would he go all out of his way, lying to his husband, to make me, the guy he hates, the guy he wants out of his house ASAP, look good?

A contradicting thought, I reason. If he wanted me out of his house ASAP, he would have let me go this night, I muse as we head for the frontdoor and I wait for him to unlock it. It is not so much his house, but his life he wants me out of.

'Come in.'

I look up, Ben was already standing in the hallway, holding the door open for me, his look was friendly, but also far from hostile and I accept his invitation. Ben confused me. It was hard to decipher what he really wanted from me...

When I woke up the next morning, last night felt like a dream, but I couldn't quite conclude if it was a really bad one, or a really good one. What I was able to conclude, however, was that the little taste of alcohol reminded me of how good it was and how good it made me feel... and how bad I felt now, after pretty much all of it passed through my system. But I try my best not to think about it and head downstairs after a long, clensing shower, finally getting rid of the tabacco smoke that hung in my hair after night and not forgetting to brush my teeth thoroughly.

As a matter of habit, after being forced to do my own laundry for quite a while, I check the pockets of the clothes I had been wearing yesterdat, before I'd ask Heero where I could wash them. As I pull them inside out, I come across a pack of chewing gum and some money. Money I had stolen from Ben. Just touching it made my stomach churn. I guess I should return it, now that I won't be needing it, but I found it hard to. To beging with I didn't know how to return it without confessing how I had gotten it in the first place. Should I wait for him to carelessly leave his wallet behind in open view again? I doubt I could stop myself froms tealing a little bit more, let alone return the little money I had. As painful as it was to have it, I had the feeling it would be more painful not to have it. In the war, the most comforting thought was that I could end it whenever I wanted to. Whenever things got too bad, too rough, I could pull the detonation switch and end it.

This money was my detonation switch. I had grown to be too much of a coward to think of suicide, I've been having nightmares of killing myself with an overdosis of sleepingpills ever since... Ever since december 198, when one call, from a docter I had never met, coming from a city I had never been to, would change my life. Now this money was my only way out, without it I would be completely to the mercy of Ken and Barbie, or walk.

I was being offensive, that wasn't fare. Even Ben showed he had some good in him, even though he probably didn't even mean to. And Heero... was this the way to thank him? By stealing from him?

But no one has even noticed the money is missing. You will do more harm than good by returning it and confessing your crime. He who doesn't know doesn't mind. Let him not know. Let him not mind.

I slide the bill into the backpocket of the jeans I'm wearing. If the opportunity arose for me to return it, I would, I promised to myself. If that wasn't the case... I will decide later.

Once done with the tedious task of braiding my hair, complicated with the fact that I can't stand the mere sight of my own reflection and therefore dare not look, I head downstairs.

'Goodmorning.' I cup my hands in front of my groin just in time to catch a wet nose heading towards it and pushing it away. 'I'm happy to see you too Edie...' I tell the dog sarcastically. I didn't think it would do her any harm. She's just a dog afterall. What do dogs know about feelings and hurting?

I walk away, towards the kitchen, awkwardly because she keeps circling around me, looking up with eager anticipation. I feel like smacking that smirk off her face. Or was I just imagining that? I look down at her head. _Oh yeah, she's smirking at me. _I wonder if she notices that I am sweating unusually much.

'Ben.' I state the obvious as I round the corner, into the kitchen and find not the distinctive mop of brown hair, but a full head of neatje combed blonde strands sticking out from behind a held up newspaper.

Ben lowers the newspaper and smiles at me. With his elbow he gestures at a steaming cup of coffee placed near an empty seat at the glossy table. 'It's for you. I heard you coming down.'

I sit down in front of the cup and eye it. Why did I have the nasty feeling it was laced with poison or something? I drown the feeling by taking a big gulp, burning my tongue and my throat, but I don't let it show, even though it's hard not to yelp and open my mouth wide to let cool air come in to soothe my screaming tastebuds. However, even a welltrained soldier like myself can't stop his eyes from watering.

Ben's smile widens, perhaps because I humor him, like I used to humor my crew with my slightly idiotic, downright silly antics, or because he enjoyed seeing me in pain. 'You okay?'

I take a deep breath before answering with slurring tongue: 'Fine.'

He waits a few moments, pretending to read his paper as I pretend to drink my coffee, but it would be suicide, before he lays it down again and looks at me, waiting for me to make eyecontact. When I do, his firm voice asks me: 'So we agreed right, Heero wouldn't know?'

'You make a habit of keeping secrets from him?' I retort casually, finally daring another sip.

'No.' He answers seriously.

I believe him. I wonder if Heero would give the same answer with as much sincerity... As a soldier, you are trained to become good at lying. And common knowledge is: when you are good at something, you can't help but use that skill. 'I won't tell him. Don't worry.'

He seemed relieved.

'_If_,' I continue, and smirk as I watch him tense up, 'you tell me why you want me to shut up about it so badly.'

He nods. 'Sounds only fair.' A short pause as he chooses his words, 'Heero has been very clear to me about several things. Marrying him was like signing a contract.'

'And what exactly did you agree to?'

'That his past is nobody's business but his, that includes everything and _everyone_ in it.'

I nod at that. It sure sounded like Heero. It was nothing but logical, he wanted to let go of past and of the old Heero. But knowing this, I ask myself: just how much, or rather; how little does Ben know about 'The Soldier'?

'It's not what you think.' Ben interrupts.

'Don't pretend to know what I think.'

'He told me everything about his past. _Everything,_'

_Okay, maybe he didn't have to pretend..._

'But he warned me not to get involved.'

So Heero knew his past would literally come back to 'haunt' him. Had he been expecting me? And what about the other pilots? Was he expecting them too? Or maybe, maybe they were already in his life. 'So you know about Quatre, Trowa-'

'And WuFei? Yes, of course. But not just because he told me about them.'

My eyed widen a fraction of a bit, I couldn't prevent that. 'You've met them?'

'Several times. They don't exactly live around the corner, but they come by as often as possible.'

'And just how often is that?' I feared they will come while I am still here. Being confronted with Heero was bad enough. I don't think I'll ever be able to look Quatre in the eyes again, I can still remember so vividly, his coarse voice, from tears and hurt, call after me: 'Don't think this is over!' He was right, it wasn't. Not by a long shot. I didn't want to face him and admit that.

'Twice a year.'

I thought the conversation was done on that note, but he continued, to add to the impact:

'On our anniversary and the twentieth of June.'

I frown: 'What's to celebrate on the twentieth of June?'

'On the twentieth of June, AC 199... Heero woke up after a seven month coma.'

My heart skipped a beat and it wouldn't return to it's normal rythm for the rest of the day, leaving me pale, tired and feeling ill.

It was already end of May.

**I welcome ideas and advice.**

**Love,**

**Crimson**


	13. Chapter 13

**Another short chapter fuelled by stubbornness and stubbornness alone... It's kinda sad... I remember so clearly the good old days when the words for this story just came to my and my fingers raced across the keyboard... sigh... **

**I hope you enjoy. The story is finally getting a bit of a move on, preparing to the complete 180 I am intending. Though I don't think the things I have planned will come as a complete surprise...**

**Never mind my rambling, just read and review!**

**Gundampilot03: Thanks for the review, I hope I can keep you interested even though there won't be much Trowa-action in it (from your name I assume he is your fav ;))**

**Airezi: Yeah he ain't the pick of the litter, but we love him no matter what, right? Glad you like. Mucho grazie for not one but TWO reviews!**

**Snowdragonct: Geez, I didn't want you to hate him, but I didn't intend for you guys to like him either! Man this is tough ;). Thanks for your very flattering review (you make me blush) even though I beg to differ: 'genius' goes a little (that is code for 'way too') far ;). So no ideas huh? Guess I'm on my own then... still, if anything comes to mind, please: help me! 8)**

**Pikeebo: don't worry, things aren't all what they seem. Please keep reading, you might be pleasantly surprised (we can only hope, ne?)**

**Goddess of Ravens Blood: Why, thank you ;) I certainly intend to ('keep up the good work')**

**No beta's no re-reads. I don't leave it like that because I hate you, quite contrary. For some reason I find nothing as boring as reading the very words I wrote myself. Atleast not for a fortyeight hour period and I figure it'd be unfair to keep you waiting for so long (I refuse to even consider the third option: forcing myself to beta it. Yes, I guess I'm just selfish like that ;)). All I can advise you is to read the chapter sentence by sentence, not letter by letter ;)**

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter twelve**

I am a proud person.

After the life I've led, there is not much left for me. Everything fate handed to me I have shattered in my hands, which were too rough and broke the fragile fortunes handed to me.

I've lost my friends.

I've lost my wife.

I've lost my daughter.

I've lost my house.

I've lost my life.

I've lost my happiness.

I've lost my strength.

I've lost my sanity.

But what I did not lose, and now frantically hold on to, is my pride. Though I fear that this too will break if I clutch it too tightly in my calloused hands. But it's all I've got left and I can't risk letting it slip away. I can't risk breaking it myself, or have someone else break it. Pride is all I've got left. When pride is gone, what am I? What am I but an empty shell?

So, with one hand balled into a fist, keeping a tight hold on my last shreds of pride I use my other hand to roughly push Heero away, despite the fact that he had just been trying to help me. But he wasn't helping. He rubbing my back in soothing circles, wasn't soothing. Him speaking soft kind words to me, wasn't kind. His hands, equally rough as mine were gripping at my pride. Gripping and pulling. He was so strong, there was nothing I could do but let go.

I leaned forward and emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet seat I was crouched in front of and had been for several moments, with my balled fist pressed against my sore, nauseous, churning stomach.

Heero didn't try to touch me again, but he didn't leave either. He just watched, in silence. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't. There is just soemthing about him that makes him... unhateble. Even when he is quietly glaring at you as you retch and hurl and make yourself a disgusting sight to see. And Heero just watched. Like he always did. He always just looked at me, during the moments I wanted most to be unseen. My moments of weakness...

There used to be so few.

Now there are so many.

'Take a picture.' I groand out and sit back, flushing the toilet. 'It'll last longer.' Or so I hoped. I waited a few moments, sitting quietly on the white tiles. Certain there was nothing left to rise up through my throat I crawled to the wall and leaned my back and head against it and placed my hands on the cool tiles.

Finally, I dare to crack my eyes open, just a little bit, but enough to confirm what I suspected. Heero was still standing there, glaring at me. Unlike before, there was no sympathy, just anger and judgement.

'Did you drink?'

Ah... I was wondering when he'd finally found the appropriate moment to pop the question he hadbeen dying to ask ever since my face turned pale during dinner.

I can't verbally answer him, so I settle for shaking my head.

Heero sighs and looks away. 'I don't believe you.'

I nod. I understood what he meant. I didn't exactly have a reputation that commanded trust. 'I'm just sick. I didn't drink.' I was telling the truth, but there was no way to make him believe it. It hurt me, but I had no right to act perturbed. I've called this apon myself. I was as much responsible for the way people saw me as I am for the way my life turned out. 100.

Heero doesn't ask more questions, because he doesn't expect honest answer. He just walks over to the sink and pours a glass of water, which he hands to me.

I accept gratefully and with a crooked smile. I must be looking like hell right now. Pale face, blue lips, black rings under the eyes, but still Heero didn't seem to be looking at me any differently, as if he was blind to what time has done to my face. It was this blindness to how much he had changed, that would cost him dearly some day. I didn't know how, or when, but it was a feeling in my gut and my gut was never wrong.

To my surprise, he sists down next to me on the floor, leaning his head back, looking up at the ceiling. His legs spread out in front of him, taking up more space than you'd imagine such a short person could.

I put the glass away. I had only taken a sip or two, but I knew more would not do my nausea any good. 'I didn't drink Heero, I swear.'

'I know...'

I smile. I hadn't gone out to buy alcohol and all the bottles in the cabinet in the study were accounted for. He knew that, I knew that. That didn't make his former statement any less untrue though. He just couldn't deny the facts. He would most likelt never take my word for it. And he shouldn't.

'I'm sorry I ruined dinner.'

Heero shake shis head and rises. 'Dinner was already ruined.' He states and then leaves the bathroom.

I listen as he walks downstairs and hear him going outside through the double backdoor.

I knew what he referred to. Ben had been called right before dinner was served, which I had cooked together with Heero. Not because I wanted to. Not because he wanted to. It just felt like soemthing I had to do, make myself more useful and less of a leach. Anyway, Ben was called to fill in again. I didn't know why he was called so often and why he always accepted, but I figured Heero would tell me when the time was right. That, or I will know.

It never even crossed my mind that Ben was cheating on Heero. It was simply impossible. He knew better than that. He was smart enough to know what a good thing he had going on here.

After a while I follow Heero downstairs. I dodn't know why. I certainly didn't really want to talk or even be in his presence. I guess it was just another thing I had to do. To ease my concience. I figured while I was hear, I may as well fic some mistakes made in the past. To start I would get Heero's forgiveness. I didn't deserve it, but I had to have it in order to live on. Heero didn't think there was anything for him to forgive, that was something I had to fix too.

Outside it was freezing. The sun had long set and Joliet was covered with a blanket of cold air that had crept in quickly as soon as the last rays of sunshine disappeared behind the infinite horizon. My footsteps sounded hollow on the large back porch that looked out over the beautiful garden, complete with a pond full of fish. When I lay in bed at night I could hear them splashing around, as well as frogs calling out and the wind rustling the trees. Other than that, this town was quiet, much to my surprise. The large roads were too far off for the traffic to be heard and in a quiet neighbourhead like this there were no loud, drunking people roaming the sidewalks and no speeding cars rushing through the streets.

It was too dark to see the garden now, to see the beautiful variation of many flowers planted to look natural, unlike most 'designer gardens' nowadays with straight lines and sharp corners that could all be analysed in a mathemetical formula.

I hate math.

The only lights burning is the one on the outer wall next to the double door and a few submerged lights in the pond, but it was enough for me to see Heero, standing clearly in the light, leaning against the wall, one leg bent at the knee, his foot pressed against the wall.

I frowned as I saw smoke coming from his righthand, that was obscured from my sight by Heero's torso. When he brought his hand up to his face, it made me frown even deeper.

Heero took the cigarette into his mouth and inhaled lengthily, then, he let his arm drop by his side once more, hiding the cigarette from view.

'That stuff will kill ya, ta know.'

He slowly turned his head to look at me and said dead serious: 'So will drinking.'

His remark was like acid biting my skin, but I deserved it and so much more. 'I guess you and I both are guilty to succumbing to the forbidden pleasures.' I lean against the wall next to him. Without asking I grab the cigarette from his hand and bring it to my own lips. He doesn't object. 'Did you know WuFei smokes?' I breathe out, along with a cloud of nicotine smoke.

'He did.'

'He stopped? When?'

'During my coma.'

I fall silent. This is the first time he has mentioned it. And I sure as hell haven't broight it up either. It was like we were playing the game 'forbidden word' and we had been avoiding the use of many words. "Coma", "Death", "Marriage", "War" and "We" or "Us" were just a few examples. So many words were forbidden, it was no wonder we had yet to have a decent conversation, even though today was my three week aniversary here with the Kennards. I had been feeling pretty sick and neauseous for the past two of them, but I refused to see a docter and Heero didn't force me to. We both knew what the problem was. My body had grown so used to alcohol, it needed it and now that it wasn't supplied with what it was needed, it was showing withdrawl syndroms. It made staying clean even harder, but I was somewhat determined. I had no problem hurting myself or disappointing myself. I didn't even care it could become the detah of me. But giving in to the temptation would hurt and disappoint Heero more than I and I just couldn't that. Not again. For as long as I could, I'd do my best to protect him from myself.

'Give that back.' Heero says, breaking the silence, as he reaches for the cigarette I had yet to return to him.

I stretch my arm and hold it high into the air. 'Uh uh.'

Being the adult one, Heero doesn't jump up or anything to try and fight my height. Instead he simply reached into the pocket of his jacket and took out a package of cigarette's, taking one out, slipping it in between his lips and lighting it, cupping the flame with his other hand. Once he had the lit cigarette in between his lips he turns and faces me with a stubborn, defiant look.

I couldn't help but laugh. It started out as a soft chuckle, but then burst into laughter.

Heero returned with a smile and leaned back against the wall, inhaling the smoke. It really appeared to have a great effect on him.

'Does Ben know?'

'I'm sure he does. I can't imagine he doesn't smell it.'

When he lies next to you in bed.

'Or doesn't taste it.'

When he kisses you.

I was no longer in the mood for laughters. The corners of my mouth curled downward again.

Though Heero was right and Ben probably knew about his husband smoking, he essentially admitted that he had never verbally told him so. Does that count as keeping it a secret? Just like Ben had asked me to keep my attempted getaway a secret?

I look at Heero, who stares up into the night. _For a couple that seems so perfect_, I muse, _they sure have a lot of secrets..._

'What happened to Hilde?'

"Hilde" another one of the forbidden words. 'It's cold. I'm going back inside.' I pushed the cigarette out against the wall, but didn't throw it onto the ground. Instead, I took the butt in with me and threw it in the garbage bag.

I headed back upstairs. Heero followed me and stopped at the bottom of the stairs. I didn't look back, but answered his casually asked question: 'Is she okay?'

I shrug and respond: 'She's fine. Doing better than me at least.' I disappear into my room. Heero and I wouldn't be speaking for the rest of the night.

The next morning came to soon, but atleast my stomach felt better, but I did feel a bit dizzy. I was still sweating like a pig though. No matter how cold the nights were, the back of my shirt my drenched.

Luckily the stench of my own sweat could easily be washed off with a long hot shower and a nice cologne would cover up the scent I'd be giving off for the rest of the day.

It wasn't till I re-entered the bedroom part of my quarters when I saw it was only eight o'clock. Up till know I had always woken up at around eleven, so when I woke up today I hadn't even bothered to check the time. The early hour surprised me and I was tempted to crawl back into bed, but there was no reason to now. I was wide awake, the shower had made sure of that and since I was already dressed, I might as wel make the best of the day.

And what a long day would it be...

Today was June the twentieth.

**I don't really have anything to say...**

**That's a first.**

**Love,**

**Crimson.**


	14. Chapter 14

**What it lacks in what you were hoping for, it makes up for in length. A very long chapter indeed.**

**Don't kill me! (you'll understand why you are gonna wanna do that by the end of this chap)**

**Knyghtshade: I'm against drinking as well, but I can understand why someone who has led a life as hard as Duo's can fall for the temptation of it. Thank you for your review, I hope you will enjoy this chap.**

**Persephone Choiseul: You will hate me after this (you'll see). PS: thanks for the review! ;)**

**Snowdragonct: Another grrreat review, thank you very much! I hope you agree with me when I say: 'It was too early' (you'll understand by the end of the chap)**

**Pikeebo: Thanks for the mumbling ;)**

**Airezi: Yes, smoking is very disgusting, couldn't agree more, but I wanted to slowly reveal things aren't as perfect as they seem, not even the Perfect Soldier. Thanks for your rev!**

**Vinie: Thank you! I find always found 'orginal' the best compliment of all (seriously!), because it's all about trying new stuff and expanding the horizon, ne? So thank you for making my day, hope the update will not disappoint.**

**Eldey: Well, I am a sucker for a 2X1 happily ever after, but I don't know if that will be best for the story considering what I've made Duo go through and do to Heero, but only time can tell. Thank you for reviewing, I hope to hear from you again.**

**Gundampilot03: Ah, so you're true to Trowa huh? As is pretty obvious, I'm head over heels in love with Heero and Duo (but couldn't pick between the two of them, not even if you made me!!!). Sadly though Trowa comes fourth for me, I don't know why but for some reason I just can't stand Quatre... (people are gonna flame me for saying that...) so I hope you're not expecting too many appearences of him, since I had picked WuFei to fill in the role of harsh-but-means-well-friend, but perhaps I can squeeze in a few Trowa goodies as well? For you, I'll try ;) Thanks for your second review. R&R!**

**PS: Somewhere in the middle there is an irratic collection of short sentences Duo remembers being said to him. Now, speaking as a reader, as well as I writer, I get that sometimes you skip those parts because "how interesting can it be?", but I advise you to read it in this case, bacause it's the closest thing you're gonna get to an 'answer' for now. Byebye!**

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter thirteen**

I hate hospitals. Hospitals are supposed to be a soldiers refuge, a place without judgement, a place of care.A place where it didn't matter if you were an OZ soldier, fought for the Aliance, or even were an alleged terrorist piloting one of five mysterious machines later known as Gundams. Docters didn't care, they patched you up all the same and them left you to be tended gently by the nurses who were polite enough to keep their opninions to themselves aswell.

Still I hate hospitals. I don't associate them with a place of tranquility and care. When I think of hospitals, I can hear the beeping of monitors in my head. The desperate yelling of ER docters. The sight of crimson blood staining white floors. The sound of a gurney with squeeking wheel passing you, a white sheet hiding the form of a human on top, leaving behind a scent of death. Then, quiet. No more beeping. No more yelling. No more squeeking. Silence. And silence meant only one thing. Death.

'Hospital equals Death', my old friend Solo the Streetrat used to say. When I was younger I always figured that Solo, a wise and devine figure in my eyes, was referring to the fact that the L2 police was always relentlessly patrolling the hospitals back in the day, looking to arrest any junk, streetrat or pickpocket that dared to defy their iron fist and seek medical attention.

But as I grew older I learned there is more to it. Sure, some people go into the hospital and come out revived, but on L2, the only way out for most people, was in a bodybag, especially during the virus outbreak. People sought care they would never receive. They were lured in under the false pretence that "Hospital" equals "Life". If only wise Solo could have taught them all the truth. 'Hospitals don't have anything more to offer than the streets.' Solo the Streetrat had said to me as we watched from the bushes as another ambulance was loaded up with corpses. The paramedics were wearing white suits and masks, the bodies were infected with the deadly virus and were to be immediately disposed of, into space. He made sure I'd see. He made sure I'd see the complete disrepect as they threw in the bodies, whilst they joked about the stench. 'You see that Duo? You see that? Once you go in, you ain't never coming out! Not alive!'

After that I grew more wise and older too. Solo didn't have the chance to, the virus got him, I rushed him to the hospital, I didn't care how much he protested. He was too weak to do anything about it. He would become one of those many to leave in a body bag. One of those many who were shot into space, where the lack of oxygen prevented the virus that lurked inside his body from spreading. I had to say goodbye to a zipped up black bag. There wasn't even a way of telling it was really Solo whom I was crying for. I was not allowed to see his face, the infection risk was too great.

Like I said, I grew wiser and older. Common sense, logical explanation, was that the L2 hospitals just didn't have the money, nor the medication to save those poor people, it wasn't because of lack of effort. I also knew, deep down, that times have changed and not every hospital was like the ones on L2, but still, "Hospital" equalled "Death" to me. The fact that I got out alive, did nothing to change my mind and only gave birth to another myth: 'I was the God of Death, a messenger of Satan. I brought Death with me, everywhere I came and I was the only one immuun to it.'

'And that's why I shouldn't be here right now. But it's kind of my duty, don't you agree? After all, am I wrong when I say you'd be doing the same thing, despite the fact that you know you are like a magnet to danger?'

'Talking to him? I didn't peg you to be that kind of guy.'

The new voice startled me. I turned in my seat to face the door of the silent white room. In the doorway stood the slim, tall figure of Relena, she was smiling but her eyes were grim. I asnwered her in all honesty, as that was the kind of attitude her presence commanded: 'I'm not. Quatre practically forced me to.'

She looked around, even though she had long noted were were alone. 'He's not here now.'

'I know. It just felt better.' I turn back to the only occupied bed in the room. 'Better than the silence.'

In the bed lay Heero. Looking more peaceful than he had ever, despite the forceful, alien invasion of plastic tubing in his mouth, nose and veins. Oxygen, fluid and food. His body was functioning perfectly, his heart was beating on it's own and he was breathing on his own, but the docters felt uncomfortable with removing the respirator with him still in a deep coma, afraid of doing more damage than good.

This night had been so surreal. The whole fight... thinking back on it, it feels like a distant memory, maybe not even that. It felt lijke a dream. One of those weird dreams from which you wake up thinking: 'Huh?!'

'Tonight has been pretty eventful, don't you think?' Relena walks in. She closes the door behind her, shutting off the sounds coming from the hallway: Monitors beeping, docters yelling, wheels squeeking.

It was like she was reading my mind. I nod at her statement. She was right. Eventful indeed. I wonder how she experienced it. What things looked like from her point of view, inside the fortress, being shot at by Heero. I can't help but ask myself how she feels about the fact that Heero was willing to risk even her life, to complete the mission. He had been willing to risk a lot of lives this night, what didn't make him a bad guy, was that his own life was one of them.

Heero would never be the bad guy. Always the hero.

'The hero of a massacre.' I hear a younger me saying from the deepest darkest corner of my mind.

'What did you say?'

I look up. Relena had seated herself in a chair as uncomfortable as mine at the other side of Heero's bed. I couldn't help but notice the fact she had also taken the liberty of taking hold of his hand in hers. _He doesn't like that_. I don't voice my thoughts.

Her expression told me she hadn't heard my last comment, so I decided not to repeat it, even though ever pore of her was ordering me to. She would be offended and get all defensive about it. And my only retaliationg would be: "Heero wouldn't mind me saying that. He can handle the turth." And this would have only enraged her further and compelled her to knock the feet out from under me, she was, after all, nothing short of a politician. Her world was black and white and she was probably always right.

Even when, in reality, she is oh so wrong.

'Nothing.' I shrug off her angry glare and focus my attention back on Heero's face which betrayed nothing of what happened this night. No scarring, no durt, the nurses had cleaned him up nicely. I knew he didn't like strangers touching him, but for the same reason I didn't tell Relena to get her paws off him, I didn't object to the nurse's actions. Unlike Quatre, I didn't believe he was aware of his surroundings in his current state.

The scars from this night's battle were hidden underneath the sheets. I haven't seen them, but there was a lot of blood on his tank top by the time we had gotten to him, as he lay in Relena's arms in the middle of a ruined fortress.

The first amulance to arrive took Marimea. Though we were all upset that Heero was left, bleeding, to await a second ambulance, we didn't say anything. Not even Relena. Marimea was just a child, she was priority. Heero wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

We fought an enemy none of wanted to kill. I'm sure this is something we would laugh about some day in the future, if not together (probably) than apart.

I was pulled out of my musings when I caught a pale skinned hand moving towards Heero's face. Relena's hand. She placed it on his forehead and then stroked upwards, pushing his bangs up, revealing more of his peaceful expression. Even though I firmly believed he wasn't aware, her touch angered me still. What gave her the right to touch him like that? Just because she was once queen of the world? Because she had been an important player in this game of chess? Or because she had this delusional idea that she and Heero were meant to be? Because this was a fairy tale and the princess and the brave night always ended up together.

I realised she was looking at me. On instinct, I smile at her, then lean back a bit in my seat, looking away, at a blank wall.

'You should leave.'

'No need, I'm not really that tired.' The others had checked into a hotel, Relena was paying. They all needed the rest and they needed to be away from the hospital right now, where the soldier lay and moaned whom they injured. Apparently, not killing them was not enough to ease their conscience.

'I don't mean to rest. I mean: forever.'

A little shocked I look her her. She didn't look back, just kept on staring at Heero's revealed face, her hand still in his hair, holding back his bangs.

'He looks better with his hair pushed back...' She mumbled. Then finally released the mop. To her visible dismay the bangs slid back into place, covering his forhead. The longest hairs reaching down past his high cheekbones.

For a moment, all I can do is stare at her. How can she make a comment like that and then pretend nothing was wrong. 'What did you say?'

She looked at me innocently. 'That he looked better with his hair pushed back.'

I glare at her fake innocence, she was prostitute, blushing like a virgin. 'You know what I mean.'

She raises both her eyebrows at me. 'You don't agree with me? You don't think he will be better off without you?'

In shame I look away and bite my lowerlip. 'I didn't say that...'

'So you do agree?'

'Yes.' My answer was honest. However, as much as I believed I was not the person Heero needed right now if he was ever to live on in peace, I had my doubts on wether or not Relena was.

'I can make him happy Duo. I _have_ made him happy. Think about all the times he didn't kill himself because of me. Think about all the times he came to my rescue. He loves me.'

It's an optimistic conclusion, but I had no way of prooving her wrong.

No coubt Heero needed to be with someone who could reconnect him with the emotions lost and locked deep within his barricaded heart and I was not the one able to do that. Because my heart was just as cold and just as closed off as his was... I had nothing to offer him. Nothing but painful memories. I had no intention if sticking around to begin it, so I'm not even sure what I'm doing here right now. But it felt wrong to leave him behind and just walked away.

'And I love him.' She added.

Inside, I snorted. She made no secret of that.

'Don't you laugh at me.' She said, indignified.

'I didn't laugh.'

'Yes you did, inside you did.'

'No. I snorted. There is a difference.'

She continued to glare at me, looking royally offended (pun intended) but I didn't mind if I wounded her pride. It was obvious she did not care about my feelings either, so why should I care about hers?

'Go Duo. You and I both you don't want to be here.' She said, in mid-sentence her tone of voice turned more gentle and the shift in attitude surprised me, but unlike I should, I wasn't alarmed.

'You've been through a hard time yourself.' She sweettalked. 'Why do you continue to punish yourself like this?'

She was right. This was punishment. Being with him was difficult and uncomfortable. The war was over, I had no ties to him, nor to the others. Battle was the only thing that bonded us. Our mecha and desire to fight our ownly similarities. But was I really doing Heero a favor by disappearing into the night?

'Go to Hilde.'

_Hilde. No I couldn't. _Leaving Heero behind would be wrong in itself. Ditching him just to be with Hilde was downright cruel. Plus, I doubt she'd enjoy my company any more than he is.

'Go Duo. Just go. Go and find the place where you belong.'

I look at her in question. Just how much did she know? How many confidential things that I had whispered to Heero as he lay half-unconscious in my lap in an OZ cell did he pass on to her?

This breach of confidance angered me and my willingness to stay and wait for him to wake up was quickly fading. But was I right to be surprised? Was I not the one, out of the two of us, that kept reminding him we were brothers in arms, comrades of war, no less, but certainly no more? So was it anything other than my own fault? An eye for an eye sort of situation? You stab my heart, I stab yours.

I shift my gaze at Heero's face. _Sometimes, you surprise me._

// 'Just _sometimes_?'// The Heero in my memory responds with a smirk, as I've made this remark before. I don't exactly remember when though.

'I can't leave without knowing he will be alright.'

'He'll be just fine. I talked to the docter.' Relena was quick to answer. 'CT-scan was clear. It's just a matter of time for him to wake up. All of the internal bleeding has been stopped as well and the open wound was fixed neatly.' Her talking was irratic and not very political. Her voice had an eager tone to it. She wanted me out. She wanted me gone.

'Okay Relena.' I breathe out. 'Have it your way.'

Her eyes lit up as I rose from my seat. The grip she had on Heero's hands tightened. Her gaze was fixed apon me and would be till I would leave the room.

I look at Heero's face, his peacefully sleeping face and I whish I could say something comforting to him. Like I was doing this more for him than I was for me. Or that we would meet again. That I would come to look for him. But those would all be lies, and I wasn't a liar. Didn't plan on becoming one in the near future either.

'Relena,' I nodded courteously 'Always a displeasure.'

Her blue eyes threw daggers at me, but there was no pain involved.

There was just relief when I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. Just as I stood in the hallway, a nurse walked by me, pushing a gurney. The gurney was covered by a white sheet, but it couldn't hide the fact there was a body underneath. Perhaps we had ended up killing one of the soldiers afterall.

Seeing her roll that body down the hall comforted me. Not because I was glad someone had died, of course not, but because I was glad to know that dead body won't be Heero, because the God of Death has just departed his life and he will not be bothered by his lethal aura again.

Outside the hospital doors chaos ruled. Dozens of reporters had gathered outside in the cold, most had lost there focus, but were back on target right away as they heard the doors open. Reporters and cameramen rushed towards me, but stopped in their tracks with disappointed expression, their questions, which all started with: 'Miss Relena-' died out. However, they were quick to regain their composure and closed in.

They began their attack:

'Are you one of Marimea's soldiers?!'

'Did any of the soldiers die?!'

'What's your name?!'

'Are you grateful the Gundam pilots spared your life?!'

'How is the injured Gundam pilot?!'

'Will he be okay?!'

'Was miss Dorlian with him?!'

'Did Marimea survive?!'

They were asking all of these questions, all at the same time. So loudly it just sounded like incoherent screaming in my ears, but one question popped out and caught my attention.

'Were you a friend of the injured Gundam Pilot?!'

I turned on my heels and found myself facing the female reporter who had asked me that particular question. The mob died out, reporters strained to hold out their microphones towards me, anxiously awaiting my answer. Another wave of disappointment went through them as I answered: 'No.'

And I had been truthful. It was impossible for Heero and me to be friends. Because friends are the people you chose to have in your life. We had been forced together by fate. With friends you have things in common. We didn't, nothing that wasn't war related. Our relationship could be described in many ways, but not as friendly. Because friends don't hurt eachother the way we did.

Most of the mob around me dissipated, but one photographer lingered. He jumped up right in front of me, his face hidden behind his photocamera and snapped a few pictures. The flash of it blinded me. I shut my eyes tightly and move to block the light with my hand. When I lowered my arms and opened my eyes, ready to yell something profound at him, I found he was gone. In fact, they were all gone. The only thing surrounding me was darkness. Pitch black. I couldn't see a thing. The only sense that appeared to be working was my hearing, I could hear voices from all directions. Whispers from the dark...

// 'Go Duo. Just go.'//

// 'What's your name?!' //

// 'You can't do '_right things'_!' //

// 'I love you.' //

// 'I'm Donna Hessing, social worker.' //

// 'Your daughter is very ill.' //

// 'He'll be just fine.' //

// 'I don't want to hear that name ever again!' //

// 'Don't...!' //

// 'Wake up.' //

// 'Just _sometimes_?' //

// 'Welcome to our home.' //

// 'I love you.' //

// 'Immuun-system deficiency.' //

// 'Wake up.' //

// 'You can't do '_right things'_!' //

// 'Go to Hilde.' //

// 'I love you.' //

// 'You can't do '_right things'_!' //

// 'Wake up.' //

// 'I love you.' //

// 'You can't do '_right things'_!' //

// 'Wake up.' //

// 'You can't do '_right things'_!' //

// 'Wake up.' //

// 'You can't do '_right things'_!' //

// 'I love you!' //

'Wake up.'

I straightened up and found myself sitting at a black dinnertable, in a kitchen that was familiar, but wasn't mine. The second thing I registered was that there was a warm hand laying on my shoulder. I strain my neck and tired eyes to look at the hand lying on my shoulder, my gaze follows the arm further up, past wiry forearms, sharp angled elbow, muscular bicep and weldefined shoulder. Already I could see the colours brown, blue and golden in the corner of my eyes. As I focussed on the face I saw the ever messy chocolate bangs, the unmarred golden skin of the face and the penetrating cobalt blue eyes that belonged to the one and only Heero Yuy.

Who was neither in a coma nor dead.

Right... Heero Kennard, his name is now. _Welcome back to AC 206 Duo Maxwell..._

'Goodmorning.' I say gruffly, looking away, hiding my big yawm with my hand. I hear him chuckle uncharacteristically. Or was it really? How much did I know about his character anyway?

The hand was removed and he takes a seat across the table where already a cup of steaming coffee and todays paper was awaiting him.

After throroughly rubbing my eyes I glanced at the clock behind Heero's head. It was eleven already, I had slept for three hours. Not long enough to make it through the day though, it was still June twentieth. We hadn't really discussed the matter. I remember mentioning the date to him a while back. Casually, no underlying meaning audible, of course I did have one. Heero had just nodded and said: 'Yes, that date _is_ very soon.' Doing nothing other than confirming my rather obvious, in-no-need-of-confirmation-, statement. He hadn't voluntarily supplied me with any more information and I wondered why. If Ben hadn't given me the heads up, would he have told me at all? Perhaps he was waiting for this opportunity to shock me. Or perhaps he thought it would be a nice surprise.

I stare at him as he read his paper, which seemed to be a very important part of his daily routine. Was he really naive? Not only naive enough to claim there was nothing in need of forgiveness, but naive enough as well to think the others felt the same way?

I shuddered at the thought of seeing WuFei's, Trowa's and Quatre's cold stares. Maybe they will be as surprised to see me as I would have been to see them if not for Ben.

'Anything going on in the world that I should know of?'

He quirks an eyebrow at me. 'Isn't there always?' He asked matter of factly.

I shurg. 'Not really.' I wasn't that big a fan of the media. They couldn't be trusted. They had become so good at blowing things out of proportion and twisting people's words that though every word printed on that recylced paper was 99 percent fiction, it was that 1 percent that fended off lawsuits and made the entire world believe them. Those reporters would do anything for a headline story, lying wasn't beneath them, this knowledge has made me lose faith in the mdeia a long time ago. Should we really rely on on others to inform us about the world, past, present, future? Should we really take their word for it?

'But humor me.' I added. Curious to see what could possible need his undevided attention every single morning.

'L3 is bankrupt.' Heero summised. His eyes scanned the page. 'Scientists have found a way to make wheat grow two times faster and...They've found a medicin to prevent AIDS from spreading... The second city dome on Mars has been completed,' he made a face at that. It made me smile, I wasn't too fond of the Mars-project either, but I always figured that had soemthing to do with the fact that it was Relena's idea.

'I don't know how you can read all this every day. It's so depressing...' I comment.

Heero frowns and then looks back at the page. 'Fifty percent of the news I recapped for you is positive.'

I roll my eyes. 'Right, 'the glass is half full' sort of crap...' Depending on what was in the glass, this really didn't get me excited. 'Since when are you such an optimist?'

'I'm not. I was merely making an conclusion based on actual facts, unlike you.' He looked smug.

I wasn't in the mood. I don't remember why I brought this up...

'Do you want coffee?'

_I want alcohol..._ A thought I find very scary as well as genuine. I leaned forward and rested my chin on the table's surface, looking to my left, at nothing in particular. 'Is Ben home yet?'

Heero's posture turned defensive. 'No. What were your dreaming about?' he snapped back.

'Why do you think I was dreaming?'

Heero shrugs.

He could probably tell from my eyeball movement behind my closed lids, but thankfully he didn't push the matter.

I decided to return the favor, but I can not deny that I am insanely curious on how things are going down here exactly. I want to know everything. I want to know what he felt when he woke up after his coma. I want to know how he regained his strength. I want to know when and how he met Ben. I want to know when and how he knew he loved him. I want to know about their relationship, about their marriage, about Ben's family. About Heero's new life, about his new status as 'housewife'. I was curious about everything, because I needed to have an explanation for the dazzling smile that sometimes appears on Heero's face. And maybe, if I knew the answers, I'd be able to supply his knowledge to my own life and will once again be able to smile like too. Oh, how I longed to smile like that... What is his secret?

'Stop staring.'

I immediately remove my gaze from Heero's face. I didn't even notice I was looking at him till he warned me not to. I'm embarrassed but not really much. Heero knows me best than anyone else and he knows that look meant nothing I didn't want it to mean. However, did he know what it _did_ mean? Was he that good? As gundam pilots we have all been taught to read someone's thoughts by expressions and bodymovements, it's an art we all mastered and I wouldn't be surprised if Heero learned best of all. Like smiling.

Exposed, but not worried – what would it matter if he knew about my curiosity? – I just silently sit in my seat and wonder where this 'conversation' is going.

'Heero.' 'Duo.' We suddenly said simultaneously.

We look up at eachother and then away, smiling sheepishly. I refrain myself from saying: 'You go first.' Because that is just too lame. Luckily, I didn't have to.

'I need to tell you something. I should have mentione dit earlier but-'

'I already know.'

Heero looked marginally surprised.

'Ben told me.' I confessed, even though Ben had made clear he could get into trouble if Heero knew he voluntarily shared information with me about business that is 'nobody's but Heero's'. But how bad could it really be though? Afterall, I played a big part in said 'business'.

'He did.'

I couldn't tell if what he said was a question or a statement, but I answered nevertheless: 'Yes. Don't be mad at him.' I couldn't care less if Heero got mad at Ben-one-of-those-perfect-plastic-men, I just thought that asking for Heero's sympathy would make me look all the more kind. Selfish, I know, but I just wanted Heero to stop hating me.

No, he didn't say he hated me, he probably doesn't know himself, but there are just some things that are inevitable. Even_ I _hate _myself_ for has gone down between us.

'I won't.'

'Good. Because it's _me _who should be mad at _you_.' I say in mock anger. 'You should have told me.' This, I meant seriously. What if Ben hadn't told me? Heero would have sprung the news on me on this morning?

Heero nods.

I couldn't help but note that he didn't apologise. Just like me. Just like the old Heero.

'So, at what time are they coming?'

A slight frown appears on Heero's forehead, but it is gone before I can wonder what that was all about, his expression turns a bit void and lifeless. He answers me with small voice, that sounded... disappointed for some reason: 'Little after noon.'

I wanted to ask what was with the face, but there was something else I wanted to know more: 'How long will they stay?'

'Usually two days, but... considering the situation, we cut their visit short. They'll stay overnight and leave the next evening.'

'Stay where?' _Not here, not here, not here._

'Hotel.' Heero simply answered.

I nod, trying not to let my relief show.

Heero rises to his seat and prepares a bottle of milk for the baby. In the warm milk he mixes a small pill from a small canister kept in the same cabinet as the baby bottle. As he does this, he talks to me. 'We booked a hotelroom for you as well.' He looks up from his task and out the window. His gaze far and distant.

'You don't want me to be here when they come?'

'_You_ don't want you to be here when they come.' Heero corrects.

I was in no positition to deny his observation.

He turns to me, screwing the top on the bottle. 'You don't have to go. You are welcome to join us.'

I almost laughed at him straight in the face. What did he expect?! I was not going to turn dow this offer, no way! 'I'll pass.'

Again a disappointed, pathetic face as he pushes away from the sink and walks over to the doorway. Right before he leaves the kitchen I call after him, making him stop dead in his tracks, but not looking at me.

'Heero.'

'Yes?' He looks intently at the bottle in his hands as he waits.

'It is very considerate of you...' I bite my lip, then, sure I won't regret it, I breathe out genuinely: 'Thank you.'

He slowly faces me and the sad expression vanishes and he gives me one of those dazzling smiles I'm so jealous of, though, now I'm faced with it, this one wasn't as sincere as I remembered it. 'You're welcome.'

I watch him leave. Still curious about that face he made when I asked him at what time they will arrive. That reminded me:

Little after noon?! 

My gaze redirects itself to the clock on the wall. It was already a quarter to twelve! If I didn't want to risk running into the, I'd better get going.

I race upstairs and pack a few of my clothes, enough for an overnight stay. It did cross my mind what a coward I was being, crasping this opportunity with both hands, but I knew that if I would try to be tough and face them, I'd come to regret it. Dearly. And I knew all to well that even the slightest set back could make this nagging, biting feeling I have on the inside, clawing at my skin from the inside and burning in my mouth – the cry for alcohol – as overpowering as it had been back on L2 and I just couldn't rip my hands away from one bottle after the next.

As I stand ready in the hallway, waiting for Heero, I realise a relapse might just be an excuse I was using to justify my cowardice, but I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to admit it. I was weak now, I knew this, I had to regain my strength before doing anything as hazardous as being in one room with 03, 04 and 05. I almost laugh at the fact that I fear being reunited with Quatre the most. The one who was always the shortest, nicest and less muscular. He didn't have what the rest of us had: that gleam in the eyes that betrays our true nature. That of the predator inside all of us.

But on that last night I had seen Quatre, in the hospital, I had seen the gleam in his eyes too. Fiercer than I had ever seen it.

//'Don't...! This isn't over Duo!'//

I was snapped out of it by footsteps heading down the stairs. It was Heero, who else, carrying The Baby – they still hadn't picked a name for her, they had tried once, but it ended in a huge argument and they have given up since – I almost frowned, but then I realised Heero, responsible as he was, couldn't leave a baby home alone, even if he would only be gone for a minute or ten.

Without any exchange of words he heads outside and straps the baby into the kiddie-chair in the back seat. She was sound asleep. I knew why, she was always drowsy after taking the pill, that is why I gave it to her in the evenings, when I could enjoy the silence most.

As he straps her in I take a seat in the passenger seat, my duffelbag in my lap. While waiting a tap my fingers on the plastic armrest worked into the door.

Heero climbs in behind the wheel and with a push of a putton, after inserting the keys, that scans his fingerprint to prevent auto theft, we slowly took off.

'Are you upset that I didn't want to join you guys?'

'No.' Heero keeps his eyes focussed on the road. He is so concentrated he is actually frowing and squinting his eyes a bit, like he did when he took aim at a target, I remember.

// 'You're gonna make a better shot if you keep your eyes fully open.' I joke as I watch him hold the long rifle to his face and squint his eyes as he aimed with the end of the barrel.

Heero didn't respond, he didn't have to to shut me up. A perfect shot, straight through the centre of the head of our target was sufficient.//

'Surprised then?'

'Hell, no.'

I chuckle at that. I was glad that wasn't upset nor surprised about the matter, but obviously there was something bugging him. He is squinting afterall. Back in the day, he didn't squint because it made him see any better (God no), it was "his" thing. Like I have the irrepressible urge to talk whenevr silence slips in, he squints when something is upsetting him. During the war, I knew why, the fear of missing his target. Now, I am clueless, and here I thought Heero was an emtional retard, I am prooving to be no better than him at understanding feelings.

Maybe he simply always squinted on June the twentieth. Too many memories? I can only imagine what it must have felt like to wake up in a hospital and have someone tell you you have been "gone" for seven months. But that probably wasn't his biggest problem at that time. What must have really bothered him was that he had failed his mission. He had been unsuccesful at killing himself.

I look to my left, at Heero sitting next to me, wondering how someone so good at killing, fails at suicide.

After a ten minute ride filled with only the sounds coming from the radio, we arrive at a moest looking hotel. Nothing too extravagant, but better than anything I had previosuly stayed at.

Heero walks with me to the lobby, taking the baby with him.

'I made a reservation.'

He didn't even say hello to the poor thing.

The petit female clerk nods and enters a menu on her computer. 'You're name please, sir?'

'Heero Yuy.'

_Yuy?_ For the duration of the short conversation he has with her as she explains him the rules and he grunts in response, I stare at him. _Yuy? Why did he use his own name?_

'Yuy?' I ask him as we walk away from the counter and Heero hands me the keys to my room for the next.

He strategically ignores my question. 'I'll pick you up tomorrow evening, at around ten, okay. You are free to use the facilities as you see fit, including roomservice but please Duo... no drinking.'

'I promise.' I don't know why I promised it. I regretted it from the moment it slipped past my lips. "Promise" is a big word. There was just something in those big, insanely blue eyes of him that made me do it. Made me promise. Those eyes could always bring me to my knees. When in eyecontact with the perfect soldier, you are completely at his mercy, all you can do is surrender to it. It's his most powerful asset, more powerful than the glock he packs, more deadly than his aim, more painful than his right hook.

'Okay.' He looked uncomfortable. 'See you tomorrow then.' He stands in front of me for a while longer, longer around, unsure what to do, how to say goodbye probably. A handshake was too formal, a hug too intimate. A kiss... I'm not even going there. I can see him going over all the options, in the end he goes for a weak wave of the hand and then he walks away, with a pace quicker than usual. He was glad to walk out of that situation. I was glad too. Now I could just forget about all of this. Forget about Heero. Forget about Ben. Forget about the guys and more importantly: forget about the date.

I look down at the golden key in my hand, an equally gold and shiny nametage attached to it. With curly letters the roomnumber was engraved into it.

A loud groan.

Strange looks from other guests.

A soft mumble: 'Room number twenty, of all things...'

**I owe you an explanation. I worked myself into a corner last time, because it was just too early for Duo to meet the guys. I don't think Heero would have made him face them, because I'm sure he would understand how hard that must be. So it was this, or have Heero cancel the reunion, but I figure, they only see eachother twice a year and there's a reason for that, they don't have time those others days, so it would be unlikely for Heero to cancel on his friends. **

**I'm really sorry because I understand you might have been looking forward to an uncomfortable reunion, but it was just too early. But I promise Duo will face them.**

**I hope it wasn't too big of a disappointment and that you were still able to enjoy it a bit.**

**Didn't beta, sorry. Too tired.**

**I hope most of all that I didn't work myself into another corner...**

**I still appreciate all the help I can get!!!**

**Love y'all,**

**Crimson.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Airezi: Sorry, hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Srry it was confusing, I suppose I should have added a date a the beginning. Thanks for your review!**

**Pikeebo: you have my permission to mumble ;) Yes, it was Relena, isn't it always?! Haha, jump off a building huh? Thanks for the tip! ;) And the review!**

**Snowdragonct: He'll have good days, but not anytime soon. Srry, but I 'like' to make them suffer. But you know as well as I do that I'm a sucker for happy endings, so hang in there ;) Thanks for your review.**

**Persephone Choiseul: glad you're not disappointed, yes, soemthing is definitely not 'right' ;) thank you!**

**Vinie: Great review, thanks!**

**Knyghtshade: indeed, not a very exciting chapter, but I didn't want to rush things. Enjoy the update and leave a review, pretty please? ;)**

**Gundampilot03: Your waiting is over. ;) I hope it was worth the wait.**

**Goddess of Ravens Blood: Thank you:)**

**Zuzanny: all in good time, all in good time. I'm glad you like ;)**

**It's been a while, but here it is, an update. I hope it's a little more exciting than the previous one. Read and review!**

**No, not beta'd. My apologies. **

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter fourteen**

I suppose it would have been the appropriate thing to do to examine the room and be grateful Heero isn't as cheap as I am, but in all honesty I couldn't care less about the decor, the colour of the walls, the tile pattern in the bathroom. I just didn't care, all I cared for was the softness of the bed. I just felt drained, totally wasted, like I could keel over any moment.

I lie down on the bed feeling drowsy and dizzy and as I closed my eyes it felt as though I just shut my eyes to the last glimpses of life on earth. I felt dead, the only thing that told me I was still alive was the trembling of my body, near violent shaking, nearly worrysome, but it has been a long time since I cared for my own wellbeing, if I ever had at all, so I did not call for help. I just shut my eyes tighter and wish for everything to just... stop.

I had felt sick and strange this morning, but this was not something I expected to feel outside the poking, probing presence of OZ scientists testing their theory that myself and the other pilots were genetically enhanced 'humans'.

My nausea increased with that memory. I don't remember much of the experiments in itself, nor do I remember my own pain. I just remember so vividly Heero's contorting body lying in my lap, blue eyelids, white lips, sweating buckets, mumbling about a time so long ago he couldn't even remember himself. I had never been more scared than those lonely moments in those dark, cold cells, no other sensation I had ever experienced matched up to sitting in that cell, waiting for them to throw Heero's near lifeless body back into this cold void from which we might have never escaped. I believe, against all logic, than some parts of us never did. A little bit of Duo and a little bit of Heero was still suffering in that cell and we could always feel that in our hearts, the suffering of the bits and pieces that we've left behind.

I could still feel a long abandoned part of my heart crying for Solo, zippe dup in a black body bag. I could still feel a part of me screaming at a raging fire on L2, a young boy so lost there is no comparison, screaming: 'Sister Helen!!' And the scream died out... answered only by the cracking of burning wood and the crumbling of sacred walls. The destruction of the house of God was the answer to my screams, the screams of the God of Death, a part of me so big, if it was ever to be left behind, I don't think there would be any 'Duo' left in this body.

FLASHBACK

'Duo Maxwell?'

The accented voice of my Italian landlord surprised me. His voice wasn't angry nor impatience and I was certain I had paid my rent last week, so I wondered what he could possibly want for me. 'Yes?' I turn on my heels to look at him as he sits lazily on his old green couch. The door to his apartment is wide open, as it nearly always is. The couch faces the door. He has no tv, his entertainment consists of studying the people walk by his door as they exit the building.

It takes him a moment to take the cigarette out of his mouth, he seems unwilling to let go. He lets out a nicotine filled breath and then vaguelly gestures in a seemingly random direction with the smoking cigarette.

My eyes shift to the wooden bookcase standing just outside his door, to which I suppose he was 'pointing'. I knew what the closet was for, each apartment had it's own shelf in which the mail for that particular apartment was gathered, but I had never bothered to check the shelf of 4b, my 4b, because I did not expect any mail.

I wait for him to explain, but he doesn't have to. My gaze falls apon a small, brown package, camouflaged against the brown background of the bookcase. I am stunned. It's on my shelf? The label on it clearly reads 4b. It must be a mistake. In all the years that I've lived here, that would be nearly three, I've never received any mail so my first and most logical thought is: A mistake. It's probably for the young man in 4a, he gets lots of mail.

But still, something inside me remains hopeful as I stare at the package. I don't dare to look, I don't dare to shatter that fragile hope...

'I checked.' My landlord finally speaks up, after taking a few more nicotine breaths. 'I was surprised too. But it's for you. You'd better open it. It came a looonnnggg way.' He rises from his seat and walks towards the bookcase, taking out my package. _My_ package. How strange to say that. How unnerving... how... exciting. He holds it out to me. 'All the way from Earth.'

My head snaps up. Earth? From a far I inspect the package and indeed recognise the blue, circular stamp to the Earthian seal all mail from Earth to the colonies were marked with. Sending a package from Earth to L2 must have cost a pretty dime and a long time to get here. So little is sent from Earth to L2 only once every four months a shuttle is sent up here.

'Aren't you curious?'

Sick the to stomach is a more accurate description. But I make my move and take the package from him any way. I am no coward.

Liar...

'Thanks.' By now I was late for work anyway, so I might as well go back upstairs and revel in this rare moment. Opening my own mail.

The ladlord nods and releases the package gently. He must have read the red lettering stamped on top: HANDLE WITH CARE

I rush back up to my apartment and all this time I have visions of tripping over my own two feet and dropping it. The fact that a package means so much to me makes a manical laugh bubble up from the depth of my soul. I am so pathetic.

That all was ten minutes ago. Now I am still sitting on my own old couch, staring at a still wrapped package, sitting innocently on my angular black coffeetable that matches the modern, but cheap kitchen.

I'm so pathetic...

Earth... who on Earth would send pathetic me a package? The only people I know on Earth are... well, no one really. Without anything tying us there all the pilots have gone back up into space for as far as I know...

Earth. The beautiful, rare gem of this universe. I hated it. To me the atmosphere on Earth was more suffocating than on any other planet. I prefer the stale, dusty air on L2.

_Just open it!_

My callous hands shoot towards the package and before I know it I've ripped off the ugly, rough brown paper and have revealed a white, cardboard box, about twenty by twenty centimeters. I repress the urge to shake it in curiosity. _HANDLE WITH CARE_. I turn it a few times, looking for the best way to open it. Finally, I peel open one of the side lids. On top I find a small note, underneath the box is filled with styryphone chips to protect whatever it is that needs to be 'handled with care'.

I take out the note with index finger and thumb, handling it with the same care as an archeologist who found an original scroll from biblical times. However, this was no valuable scroll, just a simple post it, folded once. A chip got stuck to the glued edge, before I read it, I peel the chip off, then I unfold it and am greeted by an unfamiliar, sloppy handwriting.

Mr. Maxwell,

I know you had changed your mind, but it just felt wrong to throw this away. Even though it was against your choice, I'm glad they didn't 'pull the plug'. It would have felt wrong, like throwing this away.

My sincere sympathies,

James Kent (Heero's landlord)

I could barely read the name signed underneath, the note was shaking in my trembling hand. James Kent, an unfamiliar name, yet a face came to mind. Heero's landlord. _Heero_. A familiar name. Another face.

I rise to my feet and start pacing my apartment as I dug further into the box. I already had my suspicions on what I would find in between the chips, but still, I guess shock would be the best was to describe my feelings as I pulled out an ugly, old mug, with an ear that had once been broken off, but was carefully glued back on. So carefully, the cracks were barely visible.

My fingers tingled and my head throbbed as I was assaulted with the vision of Heero sitting at his dinnertable in the kitchen, holding his coffeemug, slowly sipping coffee. It was dark in this vision, except for a spotlight aimed at Heero's lonesome figure, but still, for some reason, I knew it was morning. He wasn't doing anything, just staring and drinking. Thinking.

This mug had not been send by the sanlord, but by God himself, to punish me, to make me suffer! All I wanted was to forget and now here they were, memories, so vivid, so strong it felt like he was standing right next to me.

Quatre. Quatre that bastard! I didn't even know he had won the trial! All this time I thought Heero was dead. Dead dead. Gone, buried. And this is the way for me to find out that they have been keeping hi alive behind my back all this time?! Why wasn't I notified?!

They are punishing me! They are punishing me and I deserve it. I _so_ deserve it!

'ARGH!!!' Without a second thought I pull my arm back, the mug in my hand, the muscles in my entire arm tense up to the point of trembling, then I throw my arms forward, aiming at the distant wall of my apartment. I release the mug and see it fly, as if in slow motion, but as soon as the mint green mug hits the white wall, time speeds up again and within a fraction of a second the mug shatters unto hundreds of pieces which all individually fall to the carpeted floor with soft thuds. And as soon as the noise dies out, I regret it. I regret it so fiercely I start crying and pick up the sharp pieces and I cry harder. Because even though I destroyed the mug the vision of Heero hadn't disappeared. I could still see him sitting there, in the dark, at his table, now without his mug and he looked more heartbroken than ever... and he was staring right at me, like I had released his spirit, which had been locked inside the ceramics of that mug and now it would haunt me.

"HANDLE WITH CARE" the ripped paper said to me.

END OF FLASHBACK

When I opened my eyes it was no longer mid afternoon like it had been when I closed them. I was still shaking, but my body was functional, though it reeked heavily of sweat, but I was in no mood to run a hot bath or jump under the shower.

I had no intension whatsoever to move a finger, let alone get out of bed, but I had no othger option when I registered someone knocking on my door. If it was Heero – and it probably was - I wouldn't open the door, he would be knocking it down without warning. I don't think the hotelmanager would appreciate that, neither would Heero. He wouldn't probably accuse me of drinking again and even though he would be wrong, he still had every right to, that's how I felt at least.

I rolled my heavy body out of the bed and balanced it on my two feet. It never occured to me as much as now just how tall I had grown. I felt like a giant, as I looked down, my feet seemed miles away, like I was looking at them through the clouds, that's how tall and aware and dizzy I was. Careful step after careful step I made my way to the door. The knocking hadn't stopped, but now voice had joined it. Through the narrow opening between the door and the floor I could see the shadows of two feet in the bright hallway. Only now I noticed the door wasn't even locked, I wonder why Heero didn't just barge in.

'It's open ya know...?' I groan as I twist the knob and pull the door open. My eyes were assaulted by bright lights but soon the rays of harmful light were blocked by the figure of my guest, who, apon further analysis turned out to be to tall to be Heero. _Ben?_ I opened my eyes and the first thing I noticed was black hair. _Not Ben._ The next thing were the cold, stern black eyes.

WuFei.

'Maxwell.' He gives me a disapproving once over. 'You look even worse than Yuy described.'

I was too stunned to talk.

WuFei rudely pushed past me into the room, I am shamed to realise I immediately take hungering notice of the bottle of liqour, limply held by the neck in his left hand.

I close the door and flick on the lights. WuFei had gone to stand in front of the window, at the other side of the bed, looking out at the dark Earth thoughtfully, as if he hadn't pondered over what to say enough already. Or maybe he waited for me to break the ice, I guess the old Duo was expected to do so, but I'm not the old Duo anymore and I had a feeling he was well aware of that. I have a feeling they were _all _well aware of that.

'No one wants you here Duo.'

'You came alone?' My question fully ignored his and in turn, he pretended to be deaf and repeated his own statement, his stiff back still turned towards me.

'No one wants you here.'

'No one except Heero.'

WuFei turns and pins me down with a glare that would be a match even for Heero's infamous Death glare. 'Oh, he doesn't want it either, he just doesn't know it yet... You don't deserve him.'

His words were like poison and he sounded like a hissing snake.

'_I_ know that. _He_ is the one who doesn't. Tell _him_ that.'

'I did. He wouldn't listen.'

'So then you decided to try me?'

'No, then I decided to try to tell him, _again_.'

'And then what?'

'He kicked me out. _Then_ I decided to try you.'

For some reason I was proud. Proud and joyful that Heero had stood up for me, as unjustified as it might have been.

'He says you're a good person... just had a lot of bad shit happen to you.'

I can't imagine Heero using the word "shit".

'Of course those weren't his exact words...'

I smile, just couldn't help it.

'I don't agree with him. I think you have changed. Or maybe...' He looks away with a deep frown, as though he is thinking so hard it is actually painful. 'Or maybe this is who you really are, you just used to hide it well.'

'And what do you mean with "this"?'

This time, he didn't even have to think about it, the words just rolled out of his mouth: 'A drunk. Arrogant. A mooch. Unfaithful... Dark.'

I didn't know what to say. For some reason my eyes were drawn to the bottle in his hand and all my logic thoughts ceased.

He follows my gaze and looks in wonder at the bottle in his owm hand. He brings it up, looks at it some more, then, he looks at me. He turns around again and audibly places the large bottle on the mahagony desk placed under the window.

'I liked the old Duo.' He started. 'I felt like I could trust him and I felt like he, more than anyone else, could relieve our stress and make us all feel a little bit more human. We all felt that. But now I don't. Not anymore. No one can. No one but Heero. I don't know if he can still feel it because he is strong and wise enough to see the real you, or too stupid and stubborn to accept the reality. But he has faith. I admire him for that. I admire him for being able to give away his heart time and time again, at risk of having it broken once more and being strong enough to carry on. But I jyst can't help but wonder how much pain and suffering I could spare him by showing him the truth.' He turns around and looks at me, stepping aside so I could see the bottle on the desk. 'The old Duo would not betray this trust he has in you. The old Duo would not be tempted. But the new Duo...' He briefly looks back at the bottle. 'I have a pretty good idea of what he will do.' With a nod he walks around the bed, past me and out of the hotelroom.

I move to stand by my window, I had noticed earlier that my room is at the front of the building, three stories beneath me was the lobby. I stand glose to the glass and look down, waiting for WuFei to step out of the building, onto the well lit parking lot. But my eyes are drawn away from the entrance as I wait for him. Parked close to the entrance is a black SUV, the lights are on, smoke is coming from the tailpipe. Leaning against the car is a young woman with raven black hair, she appears to be waiting.

WuFei walks into the scene. He heads straight towards her. With curiosity I watch as he stands very close to her. They appear to be talking, then, he gives her a long, shaky hug. They both get in the SUV, to my surprise WuFei voluntarily takes a seat in the passenger seat. The woman climbs behind the wheel. Soon, they drive off and I watch the red glow of their taillight till I can't distinguish it between the rest of the traffic any longer.

I'm guessing from the way they interacted that they are more than friends. Perhaps even married. She looked unfamiliar to me though, so it wasn't someone from the war. But what did that mean? That I didn't know her had no value. There were a lot of people in their lives whom I didn't know and would probably never do. Probably never should.

I look at the bottle from the corner of my eyes.

// 'The old Duo would not be tempted.' //

Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't. I don't agree with the 'old Duo/new Duo' theory. I think I am still the way I always was, somewhere deep inside, but I have changed. Everybody changes. We've all taken on new identities as we left our terrorist ID's behind. "Duo the Drunk", "Heero Kennard a.k.a the Perfect Houswewife", "WuFei-Nah, It's Okay, You Drive-Chang".

Those new identities soundes rediculous. Pathetic. Hopeless. Still, it could have been worse, I think it's an improvement from where we've come from.

So I take hold of the bottle.

**I'm not entirely unsatisfied. Not very long, but I'm just glad I wrote something at **_**all**_

**In case I don't update before Christmas and/or Newyear:**

**I wish you the merriest Christmas and the happiest Newyear of all!!!!!!!**

**Love,**

**Crimson.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Finally another update. I went a little out of control with this one, but I don't think it turned out bad, perhaps a tad bit too fast, but I have to keep you guys interested, right?**

**No, I didn't beta it, not even a quick re-read, I'm sick and tired of this chapter. **

**Snowdragonct: Thanks! Both for the review and for the 'merry everything' ;)**

**Persephone Choiseul: Yeah, I thought it would be a nice touch to have Heero kick him out, let ya'll know there's still a bit of soldier within that pretty head of his. I hope the update is to your liking. Thank you for the review!**

**Airezi: I thought so too, he can be so nice and stubborn, I love that about WuFei. Thanks for your review and I hope this chap won't be too bad grammar wise either ;)**

**Knyghtshade: Well, not quite... but I hope what I did will be somewhat satisfactionary ;)**

**Zuzanny: You asked for more, you got it! Thanks for your review, judging by all the other reviews I think I made the right decision with the 'To drink or not to drink' situation ;) **

ADOPTING DUO 

**Chapter fifteen**

This might well be one of the most relaxing mornings I have ever had, despite the emotional turmoil from last night as I went down in a confrontation with Anger-In-Human-Form. I had barely slept after his brief but meaningful visit. I couldn't get the memory of his face out of my head. Only when I had tucked myself back into bed did I realise just how old WuFei had grown. He was no older than I am, but his eyes had a kind of ancient wisdom to them, like he had seen everything and then some. WuFei had always been knowledgable, it's this vast knowledge that made things that much more harder for him. His conscience would never allow him to forget and I remember seeing him staring at his computer in the midst of the night, scrolling through statistics. I knew this knowledge would become a burden to heavy even for his strong shoulders to carry, I watched him crumble under the weight like I had watched Heero. Two pillars of strength crumbling, the whole roman temple symbolising everything they believed in, coming down with them. I feared for them.

But I have been proven wrong. I had the arrogant belief that out of the five of us, I would probably end up second best. Quatre best of course, I've always overestimated the possession of money on the quality of life. How wrong did I turn out to be. WuFei was still strong and even Heero landed on his feet. Seeing WuFei however made me all the more curious to see how Trowa and Quatre turned out. I wonder if they have managed to hold on to eachother...

Despite all these thoughts and all these questions... I was relaxed. The air around me in the small but nice bathroom was warm and moist as I had run myself a hot bath. The warm water was soothing for my trembling body, I felt human again. Less tall, less stretched to a maximum. I'd almost say I felt normal, but I wouldn't recognise that feeling even when it attacked me straight at the heart.

With my hands I glide just over the surface of the water, the foam has long dissolved and the water has nearly turned cold, but I'm too comfortable to get out. I wish I could stay in this tub forever, where nothing else but the water temperature mattered. A small universe, hidden within white tiled bathroom walls, to protect me from the vastness of the universe surrounding me.

My ears perk when I catch the sound of someone trying the knob of the frontdoor of my hotelroom. I forget to lock it, so the door opened and the unwelcome stranger stepped in. For a moment my breath hitches at the possibility of someone stepping into my little domain and disturbing my peace, but I soon concluded that, unless it's another surprise visit from WuFei, which I doubt, it's Heero. My suspicions are quickly confirmed. Not only because I can feel his aura through all the walls and through the damp air hanging in the bathroom, but mostly because seconds after he entered the room, his eyes must have caught sight of a green bottle lying in the center of my bed and now he was banging on the locked door of the bathroom.

His voice joined in and revealed a mixture of anger and worry. 'Duo! Duo open up!!' It was an order, not a question. 'DUO!!'

I decided it was best to climb out of the bath and properly cover myself before he'd be ramming down the door. The water makes loud dripping noises as I rise and my skin is immediately covered with goosebumps as my body is exposed to the cooler air. Carefully I sted out of the tub, the last thing I want to do is slip and hit my head, that would be such an unspectaculair, downright _lame_ way to go it was the manner, more than death itself, that scared me. Some who dodged so many bullits – though most certainly not all of them – dying like a 'normal' person was unnacceptable. I certainly didn't see myself dying of old age. When I go, I go spectaculairly.

'Duo!!! Open this goddamned door!'

He's cursing, I'd better get a move on. With a large white towel with hotel logo embroided into it, I twist the lock and open the door slightly, but it's immediately pushed fully open by Heero. 'Jezus, what is with you?' I asked, sounding a little more harsh than intended, but I made no apologies.

His face is flushed and for a moment he dare not make eyecontact. But when he does, it's explosive. Those eyes knock the air out of my lungs more than his fists, however powerful they may be, ever could. Though I could never explain you why. It was unreasonable for him to evoke such powerful emotions within a heart that has been cold and empty for a long long time.

'I was worried.' He explained rather sheepishly. Then his eyes turned stern. 'I saw the bottle.' His voice was angry and accusing.

I lay a hand on his shoulder, contact he is obviously uncomfortable with, for unknown reasons, but I do not retreat. I just smile at him, perhaps a bit too condescendingly. 'But did you see that the bottle is untouched, completely full?' My smile widens at his astonished expression, I give his shoulder a light squeeze and tease: 'The Perfect Soldier is losing his touch.'

Heero's head snaps back up to aim his piercing glare at me. He brings up both his hands and pushes me roughly and strongly in the chest, making me stagger back, nearly losing my balance. The skin of my chest aches where I was hit. Obviously my comment had set him off, but I didn't know why. I frown deeply at him but he does not answer my wordless question. He leaves the bathroom for a moment, but returns quickly, the bottle in his hand.

Standing at the sink, his back turned towards me, but his downcast face visible in the mirror, I hear him twist off the cap and pour the entire content of the bottle in the sink, where I can hear it go down the drain noisily.

'Where did you get this?' He asks, his face shows telltale signs of frustrations as the fact that the bottle doesn't empty fast enough to his liking.

'From WuFei.'

Heero snorts, not believing me. But as I don't join in with a poor excuse of a chuckle myself, it dawns to him I wasn't joking. He only looks surprised for a fraction of second, then his complexion is taken over by understanding. 'We came to see you?'

'How else did he give me the bottle?'

'What did he say to you?' He snaps back.

'A lot.'

He nods, he wants to know more and if I don't voluntarily supply him with more information, he'd ask for it.

'But nothing I didn't already now.'

He looks up, at me, through the mirror. His eyes betray nothing.

'He told me he lost faith in me and he was pretty convinced there would be no alcohol left for you to pour through the sink when morning comes.' The corners of my lips curl upwards in what might have been a smirk of pride had I not crushed it in the early stages. It just seemed unappropriate.

'And you didn't drink it...' He looks away again, down at the bottle, it's nearly empty now.

'No.'

The bottle is empty, he screws the cap back on, for no apparent reason. Otherwise he remains still, holding the bottle in the sink at an angle, intently staring at it.

'I thought about it.' I confess.

Heero nods.

'But then I thought about you... and I decided it wasn't worth it.'

He slowly looks up, amazed I'm sure, but he hides it well. 'It wasn't worth what?' There was a slight trace of hope in his voice, I wonder what for. Didn't he already know I cared for him? I had no reason not to, other than the fact he used to me an emotionally unavailable suicidal maniac. But he grew out of that. Quite nicely.

'A kick in the nuts from you.' I smile, a chuckle escapes my lips.

Heero smiles back at me. He places the bottle on the porcelain edge of the sink. Only now did he seem to notice that I was standing half naked, dripping wet, my hair unbound and his face flushed over once more, he quickly looks away and blurts: 'You uh... you should get dressed.'

'We're leaving?'

He nods. 'Yes... the others left already, no one was really in a festive mood.'

I was sorry to hear that, but I didn't respond, I didn't know how to without sounding rude or inappropriate, after all, how much knowledge did I have on the matter?

Heero leaves the bathroom so I can change into the set of clothing I had placed on the small chair in the bathroom, next to the sink, earlier. An old pair of jeans, which used to be a snug, perfect, fit around the waist but now rode lowly on the hips and a black – nearly faded to grey -, reasonably nice shirt as long as you hid the hole in the fabric right in the armpit. My hair, still fairly wet was bound into a loose braid and a few short hairs were tucked behind my ear. My reflection wasn't nearly as disappointing as it had been when I stood on Heero's doorstep weeks ago, but still, I am but a shadow of the man I used to be. A dark, thin shadow who dresses poorly in every sence of the word.

Stepping out into the main room I saw Heero was standing in front of the morning, lit by the morning sun. His gaze was far away, as were his thoughts. He leaned against the windowframes, with his hands dug deeply into the pockets of his expensive looking, faded pair of jeans. His shirt looked equally expensive, like it was tailored to fit his body perfectly, though it looked simple enough, an uncomplicated white T-shirt combined with a honey brown, form fitting, leather jacket.

Heero's figure had changed over the years, as much as his personality had. He didn't grow much taller, unlike I had. His body was still short, compact, but well proportioned. Long legs that appeared to be muscular, strong arms and a flat, hard stomach. His neck was long, thin and graceful, a bit feminine, but it suited him without damaging his masculinity. His face had the same elegant, charismatic look to it as I remember it. A face like a map of the world. Pointed chin, poitned nose, high cheekbones, small ears, large, childlike eyes that discovered the world a bit more everyday. Discovering it's beauty, now that it was well acquinted with the ugly side of life.

It wasn't the first time for me to wish I was more like Heero. For me to wish I _was_ Heero. But if I was 'Heero' where would Heero be? And that's why in turn I'm glad to be little ol' me, because for some reason I think Earth would be an even more barren place without him.

'Take a picture. It will last longer.'

I've been caught, but I smile at his comment. I remember saying that to him, though with a little more venom to my tone of voice. Heero meant well though, he is smiling at me, hands still in his pocket, body still turned towards the window.

'You look good.' I say casually. For as far as one – heterosexual - male commenting on the good looks of another – homosexual - male, could be considered casual.

'You look like shit.'

I'm grateful for his comment, it takes the load off mine.

'All set?'

I look around, my bag is still zipped closed, I hadn't taken out anything other than a fresh set of clothes. 'Jup.' I conclude after a short scan of the room, just to be sure.

'Then let's go.'

'Yeah...' I wasn't very enthousiastic, I enjoyed my independence tonight, but then again, going home with him was looking less and less apauling the more I thought about it.

We got into the van and I couldn't help but notice it was parked in the same spot WuFei's SUV had occupied last night. It was the parking spot closest to the entrance of the lobby.

'Is WuFei married?'

Heero seemed surprised at my question as he started up the engine, but he was unphased and answered directly: 'Yes.' He kept looking at me, to analyse my response. When he got none he asked: 'Why?'

'When he came by last night... he was picked up by a woman.'

Heero nods and focusses his gaze to the tast at hand. He shifts the car in reverse and backs up out of the parking space. He shifts back to neutral and slowly manoeuvers his way out of the lot and onto the road.

'Where are we going?' I ask as he went right while in fact we should have gone left if we were headed to his house.

'The mall.'

'The mall?' I repeat dumbly.

'Yes. You need new clothes.'

I sigh. 'Heero, you have already given me enough charity, I can't accept any more from you.'

'You'll pay me back.' He says strictly, his eyes glaring at a car in front of us that is going fifteen miles under the speedlimit.

I laugh, hard and obnoxious. 'Right, when I'm rich and famous!'

'Yes.'

His seriousness strikes me and renders me silent. I look at him, but he refuses to look back at me. How can someone have such faith in a lowlife like myself? I don't comment on it. I think he is wrong, very wrong, for believing in me. But I dare not crush this hope he has in me, it's bad enough that I no longer believe, I wonder what it would do to him if he found out all of his efforts were most likely to be in vain. I am the God of Death, fortune is not bestowed apon me, neither apon the people around me.

The mall of Chicago is grand and nearly majestic, with a large glass facade in half a circle where the entrance is located. There aren't any stores in the main entrance hall, just a rectangular, shallow pool, no fish, no plants, no fountains. On the stone edge surrounding the pool people were seated. Mostly young people, college students who have formed groups and were having a snack, laughing, talking and gosspiping. A group of five girls were checking out the people, more importantly: the men, who walked past them and making no secret of it as they judged the 'goods'.

I felt very vulnerable as we walked past this group of judgemental girls and my face turned a bright red as, when we passed them, one girl whispers to the other: 'They make such a hot couple.' I look to my right, at Heero, who didn't appear to have heard the comment of the girls. I smile, Heero could hear a pin drop, but he was also perfect in tuning out sounds he was not interested in hearing.

The girls were right though. Heero and I would make a pretty hot couple if only I was a bit more in shape. And, of course, if we were, in fact, a couple. I wonder what made them assume we were gay? Heero perhaps of his fashionable clothing, short posture and slightly feminine face. Me, probably because of the long braid. Or maybe, maybe there was something less shallow that 'betrayed' us. In the way we walked. In the way we interacted, walking nearly shoulder to shoulder. Or perhaps the girls took notice of the fact that we were both confortable _and_ uncomfortable in each others presence, like most young couple would be.

Heero catches my smile. 'What?' He looks back, trying to see what it was that had amused me so, after spending most of the ride here in uncomfortable silence. The girls were long out of sight, hidden behind the growing crowd that surrounded us.

'Nothing.' I just kept smiling secretively.

We walked by all of the stores and I wondered if we were ever going to do any shopping. Maybe Heero had changed his mind. I found it odd to begin with that Heero suggested to go to such a crowded place. The mall crawled with people all hunting for bargains. They brushed past us and occasionally even bumped into us, on the escalators people stood so close to us their bodies pressed against us and I remember how much Heero hated physical contact, but now it didn't seem to matter to him. Ben probably taught him to be comfortable with contact.

I shut my eyes tightly, as if in pain when I'm hit with a short but disturbing vision of Heero lying in his bed, Ben moving on top of him in a familiar, primal rythm. With a groan Heero threw his head back and Ben ceised the moment, leaning forward and kissing the exposed neck with open mouth, touching the skin only with his wet lips, the rythm of his hips unphazed.

When I open my eyes again, Heero is looking at me. We are standing close to eachother, face to face, on the escalator, forced together by the crowd of people squirming around us.

He doesn't ask, so I don't tell.

In the end it turned out Heero had a specific destination in mind. On the second floor we walk into a large, expensive looking clothing store, taking up most of the second and the third story. We go to the left corner in the back, the 'Casual Clothes' area for men. It was early in the day, so despite the crowd outside, it was rather calm and quiet within the store. Of course, only a select group of people could afford to shop here, and I wasn't one of them. But in the imaginary future, in which I was rich and famous, I could repay him.

We go through the clothes, but I feel uncomfortable picking something out and trying it on. Each time the price tab forced me to hang it back. After a while, Heero, who didn't really shop but instead just watched me and the racks of clothing and occasionally dared a peek at a specific shirt or pair of pants, noticed.

'Don't worry about the money Duo. I can afford it.'

From then on, each time I saw something I liked, but hung it back because of the price, Heero went right in and got it back out again. When I started to notice this, I stopped, for he already had clothes in his hand for a large amount of money.

He ushered me towards the fittingrooms and threw all the clothes onto a small white leather bench inside one, despite the fact that a card on the wall inside of the room red: "No more than 3 articles per fitting room." He comfortably seated himself on the red couch and started casually leafing through some magaines placed on the seat as I hesitantly closed the thick red curtain and started undressing.

Much to my surprise, the first pair of jeans I tried on were a perfect fit. They were light of colour and faded, much like the ones Heero was wearing at the moment. I combined it with a red button-up shirt. Another perfect fit. To my dismay there was no mirror in the fittingroom, so to see how I look, I was forced to leave the comfort of dis seclusion and expose myself to the world... and to Heero.

With a deep breath I pushed aside the curtain and stpped outside.

Heero peered over the magazine, which he immediately lowered as he saw me. He smiled and gave me the thumbs up. 'We're definitely buying you that one.'

As he said that, I felt even more uncomfortable. Like I was shopping with my boyfriend and he wanted to buy me these clothes because I looked good in them and he could feast on the sight of me. I pushed the thought aside. Heero is married, with a man far better and more deserving than me!

In the end we headed to the cash register with a lot of clothes, probably too many, but Heero didn't at all seem phazed, not even when the clerk added up the prices and came to a total of nearly one thousand dollars.

The final number made me swallow hard, but Heero, though he must have noticed, ifgnored my reaction and handed her his creditcard.

She took it with a smile, her gaze made a quick detour to me, when our eyes met, she quickly looked away, nit necessarily embarrassed, but of course it wouldn't be very polite to be caught staring at customers. She swiped the card in a quick, smooth, well-rehearsed motion, it took the computer mere seconds to recognise the bankacount and withdraw the money from it.

Heero was handed back his creditcard and then she handed us the three bags full of clothing, all of which were for me. I was struck by Heero's generosity, I realise very well that he is most likely doing this to buy off his guilt. Whatever he feels guilty for, I will probably never know, because I don't pretend to know how Heero's mind works, what makes him tick, what makes him do the things he does. I was grateful for his kindness, but at the same time I only grew more uncomfortable, when I leave, I intend to leave forgood, I have no intention of keeping in touch and I didn't want to feel like I owe him anything.

'Have a nice day sirs.' The young, female clerk spoke sweetly.

Heero took the shopping bags from her with a forced, but polite smile and gave her a nod as a way of goodbye.

I silently follow Heero outside. To my surprise, instead of heading towards the car, heero leads me into a small cafe located near the centre of the building, right underneath the impressive sky-roof that reveals the occassional white cloud float by lazily and white lines of condensation cutting through the azure sky.

Heero sits down and to my questioning face he says: 'You've had nothing to eat yet, right?'

I didn't, so I nod, but lately I haven't had a healthy appetite for many years and most of my diet consisted of alcoholic beverages that created the illusion of being full, how else did he think I lose all this weight? Knowing better than to argue him I sit down and a waitress comes to take our order.

She soon returns with our coffee and in the meantime we haven't uttered a single word. I occupy myself with watching the crowd shuffle by. A couple walking by ahnd in hand raises a question in my head and it spills out of my mouth before I know it. 'How long has WuFei been married?'

We were both startled by the sound of a ringing phone, it was Heero's. Without looking at the caller ID he reached inside his pocket and denied the call. I was flattered by this, strange I know, but it felt nice to have him put me first, I can't remember the last time somebody has done that, so long it has been that I had grown accustomed to being second.

Heero quietly thinks about my question then answers neutrally and sincerely: 'Five years this fall.' His calm response, with no anger or contempt, makes me not regret my slip up.

'It's not Sally.' I comment. Though it was dark and she was far away, I would recognise Sally's face anytime, she was a good, strong woman, one of the few who had earned WuFei's respect and trust, for them not to end up together came as a surprise to me, the blackhaired woman I saw was definitely not Sally.

'No.'

Like the Heero I once claimed to know so well, he did not elaborate. I remember fondly the time we spend together and I had tricked myself into believing I could read him like an open book. Sure, I had had a pretty good idea of what went on in that messy haired head of his, but he is Heero Yuy and no one could ever solve the mystery that was him. Every skill I used to have at understanding him has been renderred useless. Communicating with Heero I had always compared to speaking in a different language, one I could not speak well. And now it seemed he had taking on a completely different dialect, one I did not understand the slightest. The dialect that happy people spoke? Or the dialect that fake people spoke?

'This place is expensive.' I observe as I scan the menucard. 'Why not go back to your place and have lunch there?'

Heero shrugs 'I figured Ben could use some time on his own.'

I didn't understand what he meant by that. Did that mean Ben didn't want to be in a such a crowded house? Or did he not want to be around me? Or did he not want to be around Heero?

'How can you afford all this?' My tone of voice was almost accusing as I spat the question after taking a long hard look at the shopping bags. Almost a thousand dollar worth of money for clothes for the man who left you to die alone in a hospital on two seperate occassions.

'Don't worry about it Duo, it's fine.' He gives me a comforting smile.

He was avoiding the question.

'How can you afford it?' I demanded and I saw something flicker in his eyes that comfirmed my suspicion: there is something he is trying to hide from me.

Heero remained silent. He stared at me with empty eyes, hoping my curiosity would die out along with the echo of my question, but I was not about to give up so easily.

'How?!'

Some people around us looked at me in dismay because I disturbed their quiet lunch, but I couldn't be bothered.

'Duo, keep your voice down.' Heero hissed.

'I'm not your goddamned _kid_ Heero. You are not my mother! You said I was your _friend_ and if that's the case I deserve your honesty.' My voice was firm and left no room for argument, not even for the perfect soldier.

_What is it he could be hiding, what did he not want to tell me and why? _I start to fear terrible things. My retina was assaulted with visions of Heero associating with the wrong type of people; mafia, drugbarons, murderers, pimps. My thoughts must have been visible on my face for a disgusted frown apears on Heero's face.

'I don't even want to know what you are thinking right now.' He forcefully slammed down a bill on the table and then took off, taking the bags with him.

His sudden outburst of anger was startling and defused some of mine, but still I was determined to get my answer. I followed him, but had a hard time keeping up. By the time we reached the van in the parkinglot I was panting. I watched Heero throw the bags in the back of the van as I caught my breath.

'Then what is it?' I whisper, just before Heero climbs behind the wheel of the van.

Heero turns around and slams the cardoor shut with near brutal, unnecessary force. With angry, large steps he walks up to me, invading my personal space. His face is not more than two inches away from mine, he too is panting, but not for the same reason as I was, it was from sheer rage. I had ticked him off pretty severly.

'Relena gave it to me, alright? She gave money to all of us, to make sure we'd be alright.' He was breathing loudly through his nose like and angry bull.

My eyes widen. 'How much exactly?'

Heero turns his back to me and walks away, towards the van, halfway there he brings up his hands and buries them in his thick chocolate brown hair, his turns on his heels, his face reveals a complicated mix of emotions, guilt was the most prominent one. 'Two point five million.'

My world is rocked to the core. It's like I'm standing inside a snow globe and someone is shaking it for all they're worth. Shaking and shaking, making the fundaments of my life crumble beneath me. The shaking makes my body hurt all over, mostly in my heart, like a bullit has ripped straight through it. 'Two and a half million each?' I ask out of breath, because the wave of emotions knocked the air right out of my lungs.

Heero nods, the epression of his face tears me apart even more. I've never seen him look so tormented. His cellphone starts to ring, but again he doesn't respond to it, he just looks at me, squinting his eyes, possibly holding back tears, biting his lower lip, frowning deeply, his hands still buried in his hair. This was the reason why he has been so kind, so helpful, so generous. This was what made guilt eat away at him.

_I never got a penny! I got nothing! _Everyday since the war has been a financial struggle that has driven me to edge. If I had been given my share... Just thinking about it is like a knife to the heart.

'Do you have any idea how hard it's been?!' I screamed at him. I had lost all control over myself. I had snapped, all I could do is cry and scream even though I was painfully aware that my cries would not change the situation of the past, or improve the situation of the present.

I made onehundred hour weeks at the office! I worked my ass off just trying to keep my head above water, trying to support my family! I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't afford abby's pills, I couldn't afford the house, I couldn't afford a car, I couldn't even afford food! Everyday was one disappointment after another, another bite taken out of my faith till I had nothing but the crumbs to live off and now here he stands, telling me this losing battle I had been fighting, was unnecessary if only one of them had had the heart to share?!

There was no point in asking him why Relena gave me nothing. I knew exactly why, it was because I had damaged her knight in shining armor. I had dented his armour, taken off some of the shine. And this had been her revenge.

And the others hated me enough to keep this a secret from me. Even Heero, the one person in this universe I thought I could trust. Even though part of me acknowledged that I didn't have the right to get that money, certainly not from Heero, the part of me that was screaming with anger and betrayal overruled it.

'Duo, I'm sorry.'

Shut up.

'I'm sorry!'

'Shut up!' I smacked away the hand that was reaching out towards me in an attempt to comfort. 'You were given a total of ten million and you didn't give me a cent, why not?! Do you know what I've gone through?!'

'Duo...' He tried.

'WHY?!'

'BECAUSE I HATED YOU!'

I snapped my head up and looked at Heero's red face.

We looked at eachother, both shocked at what had just been said. The silence between us was broken by Heero's cellphone, that started ringing again.

Frustrated Heero fished the phone out of his pocket and slid it open. 'What?' He spat at the caller.

I watched, curious and worried as Heero's face went from bright red to the whitest shade of pale.

'Heero?' Despite our fight, I was sicnerely worried about him, he looked like he could pass out any moment from sheer shock.

Heero hung up and held the phone limply in his hand, he looked at me with wide, blue, shocked eyes that stood out even more than usual, in his colorless face.

'We have to get to the hospital.' He whispered. 'Abby and Ben... there's been an accident.'

**I'm evil and I love it ;)**

**Read & review.**

**Love, **

**Crimson**


	17. Chapter 17

**TKM: All I can say is: I'm sorry and I guess you know what I mean by that :(**

**Zuzanny: Wow, everybody must really hate Ben ;) Thanks for your review**

**Snowdragonct: Yes you are the reviewer every writer dreams of having ;) I'm guessing your outburst meant that you 'liked'? And you have inspired me to consider a bold move on my behalf, a twist in the plotline I hadn't thought of before. I'm not sure I'll go through with it, but I might ;) Thank you for being an inspiring and wonderful reviewer ;) I hope I didn't leave you hanging for too long, forgive me if I did, you can torch me if you want ;)**

**Persephone Choiseul: I'm doing the best I can the fastest I can! ;)**

**Airezi: I know, a 1000 bucks is a lot of money, but remember, this is the future and the way prices have been steadily going up here (I don't know whether or not it's the same case where you live) I think 1000 dollars for three bags of clothing in a somewhat exclusive shop isn't that much, certainly not for someone who has a small fortune on his bank acount ;) Thanks for your review, I'm glad you enjoyed and I hope this chapter won't disappoint.**

**Knyghtshade: Yeah, I thought it was time to work my ass off again for an update, I'm glad is was so well received :) And yes, he resisted, but for how long...? ;) I can't guarantee anything, afterall, like any troubled hero he has a lot of obstacles to overcome**

**Pikeebo: live with me ;) PS: I have thought about your suggestion and I don't think it fits Ben's character, at least, not how I have pictured him, but that doesn't mean he won't Fck up :P**

**Jane.Dao: Thanks you :) I'm so flattered! You are very observant by the way and that's good! I had almost forgotten about Duo's grungy look, I'll be sure to make him shave it in the near future :P His hair can still be braided, only a hand full of hair is uncooperative ;) but he has worked that out, I'm not gonna make him cut his hair, because I love it, maybe even more than he does himself ;) **

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter sixteen**

Has the God of Death claimed again?

For someone who hates hospitals as much as I do and is so talented at avoiding what he hates, I sure do spend a lot of time in them. But it is to be expected, I am the God of Death afterall and this is the place where death comes most. Attracted to the white walls, soft whimpers, loud cries and rythmic beeps.

One way or another, the path of my life always led me back to a hospital, no matter where on Earth or where in space, I always end up finding myself sitting in the uncomfortable chairs of a hospital waitingroom, surrounded by silent, sorrowful people who stare into thin air as though they have lost their souls, as though they are the ones who have perished. The people around me are the most wounded people hospitals will ever see. No one will ever walk through those frontdoors with more anguish and more pain than the people that come here on their own accord in perfect health accompanying their sick loved-ones.

The sadness, the guilt, the question: Why not me? It bites, it stings, it's like drowning in icewater, but each time you come back, you resurface and you gasp for air and you leave the hospital. Alone.

I don't know how long it's been, but it feels like forever since we burst through those doors, adrenaline and worry fuelling our bodies making us lash out at the nurses who just refused to answer our questions. No matter how much we demanded all we got out of them was: 'Please sirs, calm down. There has been a caraccident. The docter will come talk to you soon.'

For all we knew they were dead. I know this to be very unlikely but it's human nature to expect the worst, it protects our hearts from disappointment.

Another brick in the wall.

Heero is quiet, so I don't dare speak either. We were interrupted at a pretty awkward moment and I don't know how the situation is between us now. Is he still mad at me, or is he too worried to even be thinking about me?

I'm not thinking about our fight, I wasn't even mad, not even if I forced myself to think about and reminded myself time and time again that he and the others lied to me, led me down and that all his kindness has found it's origin in guilt and pity. But I could not recapture the overwhelming, maddening anger that had taken hold of me this afternoon. It was gone, wash away by the tide. Everything was. I felt nothing. I sat in my seat like an empty shell, as soulless as everybody else here. But I'm not sure if it's approapriate for me to be worried. Afterall, this was not my baby and not my husband. I barely had a relationship with Abby – she wasn't even 'Abby' - and Ben and me weren't exactly on friendly terms either.

I guess whom I am really worried for is Heero. Because no matter how angry I was before, and might be again in the future, he doesn't deserve this. I know what it feels like to be sitting here worrying about the people you care for most, it's a situation I am more familiar with than I'd like to, but that's the way it is.

Maybe I should say something, a few soft, comforting words? I shake my head, what am I thinking, we were fighting, he said he hated me. I wouldn't want to be comforted by the person I hate and moreover, why in the world did I want to comfort someone who had confessed to hating me? Was I that big of a masochist? He certainly didn't deserve this, but did that mean he deserved my comfort or my forgiveness?

No. He has betrayed me. We are even now, I didn't owe him anything anymore. So I no longer had to be kind to him, or stay with him out of my own guilt.

So... I guess that means I should leave. Head back to L2. Back to the real world.

I feel nervous, it's been a long while since I faced the real world, for the past few weeks I have been living in a bubble, today my bubble had burst. Heero's words, screamed across the parking lot, were like a sharp needle stabbing at me, but I suppose it was time, rather sooner than later, or else I would have found myself to have become too blissfully ignorant for the process to be reversed.

'Mister Kennard?'

From the corner of my eye I see Heero slowly raise his head to look at a tall docter in long white robe standing in front of us. Better a robe than bloodied scrubs.

'Yes?' Heero's voice was firm, confidant and strong, he was the soldier now.

A cautious smile appears on the docters long face and with his left hand he pushes his glasses up a bit. Finally, he brings the relieving words: 'Your husband and daughter are fine.'

I am so much more relived than I expected to be I am hit by a wave of surprise. It felt like my soul had returned to my body and the world was in color again. It seemed I cared for Abby more than I thought.

Heero struggles to hide a smile – the soldier is fighting to keep the human in check – 'Thank you.' He lets out as an exasperated sigh. 'Can I see them?'

The docter nods. 'Of course.' He turns and walks away and Heero and I both assume he wants us to follow, so we rise out of seats and walk after him. 'Your husband suffers from a minor concussion. Other than a fever, your daughter is fine.' He stops in front of a door and gestures for us to enter first.

Sure enough, on the first bed, closest to the door, lies the long, perfectly formed figure of Barbie's dreamman - oh and Heero's too. He was grinning at us like he had had a lobotomy.

'Hey baby.' He drawled.

Heero raised an eyebrow at the docter after reaching Ben and taking hold of his hand, giving him a light kiss on the lips.

'We gave him morfine, he is obviously not used to the effects. He complained of severe neck- and headaches. Because of these complaints we'd like to keep him here overnight, just to be sure.'

'Abby is okay.' Ben told Heero, totally oblivious to the docter. His face turned more serious. 'I'm really sorry.'

Heero's nods, his face is serious and unforgiving. 'We'll talk about it later, you rest.'

'Your husband called us earlier today, concerned about your daughters fever, considering her medical history we advised him to bring her here. Apparently her cries distracted mister Kennard during driving and nearly drove into another car, but instead, hit a telephone pole avoiding it. His head hit the dashboard.'

_// 'Her head hit the dashboard.'//_

The concusion will clear on it's own. We gave him some morphine for the pain.'

_// 'We did everything we could.'//_

As a bystander I was watching from afar, leaning against the white wall of the room Ben shared with three other patients. I hate caraccidents. They are the worst because they bring so many unnecessary injuries and deaths. Mankind was not designed to be geoing a hundred miles an hour, without sufficient training and undevided attention to the road, tragic accidents occur.

And then there is debri everywhere. Shattered glass. Dented metal. Deflated airbags. The smell of gasoline leeking onto the road. The flash of police cars and ambulances. Blood. Hospitals. Waitingrooms. Nurses. Docters. Whimpering, Screaming. Beeping. Squeeking.

Silence.

And once more you leave all alone.

I didn't even notice I had left the building till suddenly I breathed in a lungful of fresh air. I was standing outside. I had to get out for a moment, there were just too many memories of all those times I've found myself in hospital rooms and corridors, just the mere sight of them makes me sick to the stomach. I wonder if they internationally agreed apon the white walls and mintgreen floors or whether this is just the coincidental result of bad taste world wide.

Outside it was warm, as it always was, but a fresh breeze tickled my bangs and cooled down my red cheeks. I hate hospitals. From afar I can hear sirens nearing. Another victim. A victim of disease, accident or violence. It doesn't matter, they are all hurting and so are their families and friends, if they are lucky enough to have those. If not, death will come as a welcome relief.

They probably hadn't even noticed I had walked out. But what did I expect? For Heero to come after me? I have to be realistic, on his list of priorities I come third, if not fourth or even fifth. Maybe I'm not even on his list, maybe I'm on nobdy's list. And I should probably get used to that because once I leave, there is no one to fall back on. I gotta stand on my own two, wobbly feet and walk the blistering distance to a meaningful life.

A man comes to stand next to me, a few feet away. He looks very tired. He is wearing dark jeans and a black leather jacket. He is handsome, small, but vivid eyes, a welldefined jaw and high cheekbones, he has stubbles on his face, though neatly trimmed they take some of the clean boyish shine off his face, much like my own unshaven face, but he can pull it off. Out of his pocket he pulls a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, eagerly he lights one in his most and takes an anxious, shaky breath. He catches me looking at him, he smiles and silently offers me a cigarette.

'I don't smoke.' I explain. _I prefer to drown my sorrows instead of smoke them out. _I didn't expect him to start talking to me, but he did, very excited even.

'I just became a father.' He grins broadly, his eyes twinkle.

I offer him a forced smile, he is too happy to notice to fakeness of it, he is all but bouncing up and down on his feet. I vaguely see myself in him, just after Abby's birth. Never did I expect the troubles that lay ahead. The sleepless nights, the endless cries, the tension and the arguments. Of course I don't tell him, he sees pretty content up there on cloud nine. He'll find out himself as soon as he returns to earth just what he has gotten himself into.

'A girl!'

Again a polite but fake smile. I don't understand the gender-enthousiasm, never did. When it's a girl they are happy, when it's a boy they are happy. Because a girl you can be all protective about and when time comes you can walk your baby girl down the aisle. When it's a boy you can teach him to throw a ball and have playfights with.

'Do you have kids?'

'... No.'

He just keeps on smiling. 'It's amazing.'

'It's your first kid, isn't it?'

'Yes.' A slight frown appears on his forehead. 'Why?'

'No reason.' Another smile.

He smiles back, finishes his cigarette and goes back inside without another word, there is a little bounce in his gait I couldn't help but notice. I wonder if he will fare better than I did. I wonder if all new fathers meet the same fate, or if I'm the only one to screw up this badly.

I myself don't go back inside. I'm at the main entrance, as soon as Heero comes out, he'll see me and knowing his impressive deductive skills I'm sure outside will be the first place he'll come to look for me as soon as he misses me.

Needless to say I stand outside, alone, as the temperature drops along with the sun for a pretty long time, but I have enough on my mind to occupy myself. Lost in thought I can't tell how much time has passed, but when I come back to the land of the living I notice it is dark and Heero is standing before me. He has probably called out my name several times, he is looking numb and empty. Tired.

Alone.

'They have to spend the night?'

Heero nods. 'They don't want to take the risk considering Ben's neck complaints and Abby's medical history.'

I nod. Very logical, very Earthlike. You don't get that type of service and care up on L2, they didn't even cover her medication.

A touch startles me and even makes me flinch, pulling back the arm that had been touched. I realised too late that, of course, it was just Heero, who is now looking at me intently, but I don't give in, I don't give him an explanation. I'm too tired, this day has been too long, I've done too much thinking, about too many memories. I needed sleep. I felt like I could close my eyes and just sleep forever. Never wake up and being perfectly content with that.

We go home in further silence. Heero drives. He has slipped back into soldier mode, his driving is so mechanical it's like the car is doing it itself. He keeps to the speedlimits perfectly, while I myself had created the annoying and troublesome tendency of going over it by about a mile or ten per hour. There was no reason to keep to the rules on the roads of L2, police were too busy fighting a losing battle against criminality to deal out speeding tickets.

Obviously, Earth, speciafically America, the land of Big Brother, was a complete opposite. On our way back to the house we were signalled to pull over. Parked in a line with four cars before us and more cars joining us from behind at the side of the road we waited for about ten minutes. Scooting further to the front till it was finally our turn.

A tall and broad officer with a bright orange jacket over his black uniform goes to stand at the driver's side and greets Heero by tipping up his cap. A similarly strong looking officer joins us at my side of the car, he doesn't greet us, just looks at us with a stern face.

'Your I.D. please.' The officer asks Heero.

Heero unbuckles hi seatbelt and pushes his hips off the seat of the chair, I am strangely enthralled by the sight and watch intently as he takes his wallet out of back pocket, taking out his blue and white I.D card.

The officer takes it from him through the opened window and points the bright beam of his flashlight at the picture on the I.D and then straight in Heero's face. He looks once, twice, then he is satisfied and gives the card back.

The officer close to me draws my attention as I can feel his piercing eyes staring holes in the side of my head. I realise he wants me to mimick Heero's actions. Luckily it is a habit of mine to always have my wallet with me. It's small and not full with money and various credit cards like Heero's, but when I open it and the corner of a fifty dollar bill just peeks out, I break a sweat, like I have just been caught with a kilogram of cocaine.

I cover it with my hand and just hope Heero didn't catch sight of it. I'm not sure why it still bothers me so. Afterall, how much is fifty buck compared to 2.5 million? But still, the money was stolen, borrowed with no intentions of returning it, like the time Heero took off with parts from my Gundam. I didn't want to give him a reason to get mad with me. He was the bad guy and I was the victim, that's how we left off at our last fight and that's how I intend to finish it.

// '_BECAUSE I HATED YOU!!!_'//

I had a gut-churning feeling that I would still end up as the bad guy. The fate that awaits the The God of Death I suppose.

I show the officer my I.D. It didn't say I was the God of Death, though I was firmly convinced that would always be my true –undesired - identity, instead it read:

Nationality: L2, North American

Personal I.D. Code: IA8967455 02 58

Surname: Maxwell Given name(s): Duo

Date of Birth: 01 JAN AC 180

Place of Birth: L2, sector 58

Height: 5.11 feet Gender: M

Date of Issue: 20 SEP 197 Date of Expiry: 20 SEP 207

Signature: _DMaxwell_

Mine is white and yellow, L2's colours. Earthian residents had white and blue, on L1 they had white and green, L3 had white and red and so on. The new region bound colour ID cards were part of the new Earth Sphere Alliance policy. We were one, but still we were different.

I squint as he aims his flashlight at me. I hope I pass, in the picture my face was fuller and my cheeks and jawline weren't covered with an ugly, dark stubble and the skin under my eyes wasn't black and blue and there was still a faint twinkle of joy to be detected in my eyes. Now all the twinkle he would get out of them would be the reflection of the flashlight in my eyes.

He nods to the other officer and gives back the card.

Thank God.

Then the next part of the check-up. We are both ask to blow into a handheld device that measures the amount of alcohol in our blood. I didn't have a single alcoholic drink for quite a while. _Too long_. But still I can't help but worry.

No need though, we both pass and the officers wish us a drive ride home and a good evening.

I slip my wallet, with the stolen money, back into the front pocket of my jeans. To break the silence I wonder if I should comment on how anal America's new safety policy is, but I didn't want to give him the wrong message. He might reason that I am against these regular check-ups because I am someone who breaks the law. A criminal. A drunk fool. But it wouldn't all be a lie. Afterall, I had no problem silently admitting to myself that I had an authority problem. So coming to America was not the best place to go for a guy like me. The rules were strict, the government was anxious, the people were scared to death. In a way L2 offered the freedom a soul like mine needed so badly, but it's lack of rules brought with it a whole different set of problems so I was confused whether or not I missed it. It was like choosing between two evils.

With each streelight we passed I saw a brief reflection of my face in the side window as I stared out. In those flashes I can't see the dark bags, the dull eyes and the slack mouth. All I see is how I used to be and how I wished to be once more. Carefree. That wasn't going to happen with Heero around. It wasn't so much that I had a fear of facing him, but facing him meant facing myself. Facing the God of Death. _The eyes are the windows to the soul._ So true. But not only were his cobalt blues the window to his, but to mine as well. I could see the reflection of my own soul within his eyes, meeting his. A confrontation I dreaded. Hated. Despised. Looking into Heero's eyes would only leave the truly innocent and pure unshaken, for everyone else, it's a frighteningly exposing moment.

I wonder what he sees in himself when he looks at his own reflection in the mirror.

The perfect soldier?

The innocent child that was never allowed to be?

The loyal lover?

The faithful father?

If no one knows who Heero really is, it is possible he might not even know himself.

At least I had the fortune of having my identity all figured out, no matter how fucked up it is.

_// 'I love you.'//_

_// 'You can't do right things!' //_

_// 'Just sometimes?'//_

_// 'Don't...!'//_

_// 'Go Duo. Just go.'//_

_// 'I love you.' //_

_// 'I'm pregnant.'//_

_// 'You can't do right things!'//_

_// 'Just sometimes?'//_

_// 'I love you.' //_

_// 'BECAUSE I HATED YOU!!!'//_

_// 'YOU CAN'T DO RIGHT THINGS!!!'//_

_// 'I'm sorry mister Maxwell... We did everything we could...' //_

I sigh. It's been a long day...

'You okay?' Heero asks matter-of factly. Still focussed on his driving.

'I'm fine.' Concentrating on the outside world once more I notice we've nearly reached the house. The homes we pass look more and more familiar till finally I can see the white mansion glowing in the pale blue moonlight, beyond the grassfield.

The van pulls into the driveway and comes to a smooth halt. We both don't bother with the bags of clothing that are still in the back. With tired and heavy footfalls we make our way to the frontdoor. While I examine the rosebushes to our left and right, Heero struggles to find the right key to fit the door in the dark.

'Are roses your favorite flowers?' I blurt out once the door is open.

Heero is already with one foot over the threshold, hissing at Edie who is acting way too excited at an our like this, after a day like this, he looks at me with a peculiar expression. Of course that was to be expected since my sudden question didn't make any sense.

'No.' He answers and then steps inside, wordlessly inviting me in as well with gesture of his arm.

I accept the invitation even though I know I have long outstayed my welcome here. I look back and just before the door is softly closed by him, I take note that there are an awful lot of roses in the yard for a yard owned by someone who is notparticularly fond of them. I don't know why but this seems important, maybe just because I'm glad I had been right to some extent. He may not have said he hates them, but they are not his favorites either, so I had been right. Finally I had figured something out about him, but I was too tired to gloat.

I don't wish him a goodnight, I just slowly ascend the staircase and disappear into my room, not bothering to change and just flopping down on the bed. I fall asleep even before I can register the full body impact, so for all I know I was still falling.

As I expected the night was to be a restless one. When I wake it is still dark and I'm bathing in sweat after a particularly heartwrenching nightmare from which I woke with a start, as if someone reached into the realms of unconcsiousness and jerked me out with a strong pull and a bruising grip.

I roll onto my back to stare at the ceiling. I'm wide awake, adrenaline is surging through my body, I won't be catching anymore sleep tonight.

The nightmare in itself came as no surprise. I've had it many times before, always the same and always has me waking up in the dead of night. With today's events in mind it would have been more strange if I hadn't dreamt about it, but still, no matter if you expect it, or how much you prepare for it, the sting will never get off this one.

With a groan I get out and walk into the bathroom to cool my face with cold water streaming loudly out of the faucet. After my quick wash-up I head to the hallway. Once outside my room I cast a quick glance to the far end of the hall. The door to the master bedroom is closed. I wonder if Heero is able to sleep or if he too is plagued by memories that come to haunt in the dark cloaked as nightmares.

Slow step by slow step I make my way downstairs. They didn't call me king of stealth back in the day without reason, but, no matter how quiet I was to the human ears, I knew that one set of perked ears should have been able to hear my descent, yet no excited pattern of footsteps neared me as I waited at the bottom. The other disturbing fact I notice is that there is a light burning in the livingroom.

Armed with old war habits and skills I manage to peek around the corner of the wall into the livingroom without being noticed. My eyes were drawn to the lit corner. A soft lamp was burning, illuminating a large white loungechair and two realxed figures. Heero's, who was sitting comfortably in the chair, staring at his lap. Edie's, who was sitting at his feet, her head resting on his left knee, content with the way he was softly scratching the fur on her head with his hand.

My idea was to quietly head back upstairs before I was noticed, but it was too late. Heero slowly raised his head and we made eyecontact, which was as explosive as it always was, despite our exhaustion.

With a nod I step into the livingroom and take a seat in the couch oposite of the chair.

In silence we sit. Maybe we are enjoying the peace and quiet. Maybe we are enjoying the soft cushions. Maybe we are enjoying eachothers company. I don't know. But I felt comfortable and somehow I could sense that he did too. For a moment it almost seemed as though this room was occupied by two long time friends, enjoying a quiet moment together, comminicating without speaking. Instead of two war veterans, who have had the intentions of killing the other or several seperate occasions, the bond which ties them together so complicated that they themselves don't know what to make of it.

Fear. Hate. Love. Joy. Anger. Need. Guilt. Loyalty. All of which tie us together, as well as drive us apart.

'Hilde died. Didn't she?'

I don't look at him. I can't bring myself to face him. I can't bring myself to face _myself_. The nightmare of that evening stings, but to have someone speak the words stings even worse.

I'm not at all surprised he found out. He is still – if only partially - the perfect soldier afterall. I wonder what he is thinking. Afterall... it is completely my fault that she is dead.

I practically murdered her.

Please don't kill me :S 

**I'll have another update ready soon, so don't worry, I won't keep you hanging long, but it's gonna be a short one, be warned.**

**Love,**

**Crimson.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Aoilevelina: I can't say I'm sorry about the fact that I'm making you go through a rollercoaster of emotions because that was my intention when I started this story. I don't think there is a thing like 'happily ever after' not after what these boys went through. I am sorry however that you are not enjoying it, I always love it when I find a story that makes my heart clench and my eyes well up ;) I'm glad you have the courage to keep on reading though :) thank you for your review!**

**Airezi: I'm don't want to spoil to much but has Heero really changed as much as he is letting on? Also I would like to point out that it has been seven years since the last war and I think a strong personality as Heero's is certainly capable of some radical changes over such a large period of time. And yes, you will find out what happened to poor Hilde, finally ;) Thanks for your review, I hope you'll enjoy the delayed update ;)**

**Anf600: Haha, you got me. Yes I do, yes I do ;) There has already been a small confronttation between Duo and Quatre just after Duo decided to pull the plug, I'm not sure which chapter it was though, but it's not really much worth mentioning. Also, in one of the flashbacks in one of the latest chapters it was revealed that Duo didn't even know Quatre had pulled some strings to fight his decision till it was to late (the flashback in which he received Heero's old mug from Heero's landlord, chapter 14). The rest will all be revealed in good time, just wait and see ;) Thanks for reading and reviewing! **

**Shadowalchemist198: Wow, really screwed that one up, I probably meant to say: "****Earthian residents had white and blue, on L1 they had white and green, L3 had white and red and so on." Thanks for pointing it out, I'll change it. Thanlks for the review as well!**

**Makoto-mai: Wow, I don't know what to say to that but: THANK YOU:) Especially since I was able to renew your hate for tha biatch ;) Mission accomplished. Thanks for your very flattering review and I truly hope I will be able to keep you on the edge of that seat of yours!**

**Antarctica: Even your reviews are written beautifully. I read your story 'Not Grey' and I thought it was amazing! You should really write more! I'll hope you will continue to read my 99 part fanfiction, 1 part literature ;) I swear to God I was gloating all day when you wrote that 'Adopting Duo' is a 'must-read' on I'm not sure I agree but it was very nice to hear :) Thanks you for your great review and your great story, I'll be waiting for more of both ;)**

ADOPTING DUO 

**Chapter seventeen**

'Hilde died. Didn't she?'

I don't look at him. I can't bring myself to face him. I can't bring myself to face _myself_. The nightmare of that evening stings, but to have someone speak the words stings even worse.

I'm not at all surprised he found out. He is still – if only partially - the perfect soldier afterall. I wonder what he is thinking. Afterall... it is completely my fault that she is dead.

I practically murdered her.

'In a caraccident?' Heero continues.

I don't do anything to confirm his suspicion, there is no need for me to. I don't know how, but he knows. He has always had his ways. His ways of just... _knowing_.

'You talk in your sleep.' Heero explains. It takes away some of the magic of his finding out that he simply overheard me saying it. But then again, it's nice to know he doesn't completely see through me. It's comforting to know that there is still some depth to me only to be reached by myself and myself alone, a place for me to hide my secrets and the ugly side of myself.

'I have a lot of nasty habits I just can't seem to quit.' I say, followed by a sarcastic snort.

He doesn't respond to my self-loathing comment, perhaps because he doesn't know whether tod eny or confirm it. He asks: 'What happened?'

I'm not sure if I want him to know.

'I understand if you don't want tot alk about it.'

I surprise us both by speaking up. 'We had had a fight. About money. No, it always started about money, but there was so much more wrong in our marriage that we argued about. We argued about everything. We said things...' I stop myself before I use the cliche saying: 'we said things we didn't mean' because looking back on that faithful night, though horrible as my words have been, I remember them all to be true. Painfully true. 'We were very angry. So she left. She would be staying at a friend's place... I shouldn't have let her go.'

_// 'Fine! GO! Finally!'//_

'She was tired and upset and outside it was dark and raining and storming. But at that moment I didn't think about it. I _drove_ her out. I wanted her to be gone.'

_// 'I should have known from the start Duo! You are no good! And you deserve no good!'_

'What good?! You call this marriage good?!' 'No. This marriage sucks! What I just meant to say was that you had it coming!'// 

'I just wanted her gone. Two hours later there are two policemen at my door. They didn't have to say anything. By the looks in their eyes I knew. My wife was dead and it was all my fault.'

'_Your _fault?'

I look up at him as he spoke with such an indignant tone. He had an expression on his face to match it. 'Yes. I shouldn't have argued with her. I shouldn't have let her leave.' _I should have never met her... _

'Don't flatter yourself Duo. You don't decide about life and death. Not consciously, not unconsciously. She left on her own accord, by free will. You don't have the right to take that away from her.'

I never heard anyone put it that way before. Therefore, I didn't know how to respond to it. How to deny his logic. Other than: 'Everyone I love dies Heero.'

Heero looks away, breaking our locked gaze and takes in a sharp breath. I get the feeling he is angry, I don't why. Couldn't he atleast try to show a bit of sympathy? I just told him about one of the most horrible nights of my life and all he has to say for it is that all these years I have not beem blaming, but _flattering_ myself? Where did this bastard get the nerve...?

I feel my own anger rising, along with memories from this afternoon. The money. The betrayal. The guilt. The hate. 'So that's all you have to say?'

'Yes that's all. What did you expect me to say? That I understand your drinking problem now? That I'd _offer _you a drink to drown your sorrows?! All I can say is: Stop blaming yourself. Get over it. Shit happens. But that's not what you wanted to hear, is it?' Heero rises from his seat and stomps away. Behind me I can hear him rip open the door to the backporch and slam it back shut.

I wasn't about to have another one of our fights interupted, so I went after him. We weren't done yet. He had no right to be so angry, nor so bitter. _Nor_ so judgemental. Our bubble of ignorance has burst and I'd be damned if I didn't let him know it.

I follow him onto the back porch, where I see him pacing back and forth as he tries to light the cigarette between his lips but the strong wind keeps blowing out the flame of his lighter no matter how protectively he cups his hand around it.

'_Shit happens?_' I demand. 'What kind of goddamned hypocrit are you?! Weren't you the one who denied me my fair share of compensation for the war just because you held a grudge towards me?!'

He pins me down with a furious glare. 'Don't compare the two situations, they are completely different.'

'Yeah, how so?' I sneer.

'Hilde died because of a combination of events that could not be prevented. You left me to die in that hospital on your own accord. It was your decision.'

'Relena practically chased me out!' I said in my defense.

Heero's brows draw together. 'Relena? You never even saw Relena, she only came like... two weeks after you left.'

My turn to frown. 'Are we talking about the same time you nearly died? Excuse me for the confusion but since you had the tendency to do that a lot...' I spat sarcastically.

He jerks back a bit with a blink, as if I had attempted to smack him in the face.

Maybe I did attempt it. Maybe I succeeded.

'I was talking about after...' His voice quieted down.

He didn't need to say it and it appeared he couldn't. I knew now that he was referring to the time just after his suicide attempt. 'What does that have to do with the money?'

'Relena only gave us the money after my suicide attempts two years after the war. Because then she saw that... that we weren't coping... that we weren't... _adjusting_.'

'Oh.' Not very intelligent I know, but at the moment that's all I could say.

'She didn't want to give you any money because you had wanted to pull the plug and... none of us were very motivated to change her mind.' He looks at the ground, guilty. He has given up on lighting his cigarettes so he finds his relief in the cool breeze stroking his red, hot cheeks. He walks over to the edge of the porch and leans against the banister, looking out over the garden lit by moonlight.

After a while he says softly, in a tone so alien he almost seems a different person: 'I'm sorry. I was really harsh. I'm sorry to hear about Hilde.'

'Don't give me worthless apologies...' I sigh, but my voice is not accusing, just neatrally informing him that I wasn't after his empty 'sorry's'. I join him at the banister, leaning on it with my elbows. I look at the pond in the center of the yard, three waterlilies and about a dozen of leaves sticking out above the black surface. The flowers have closed for the night, I'm almost looking forward to the morning, when I can see which color they are.

Heero is like a waterlilly. He survives by adjusting to his surroundings, no matter how much or how often they change. He makes do. He protects himself by putting up a barrier, shielding his true self, his beuty, from the harsh, outside world, but occassionally revealing it, when he feels secure enough to do so.

'Waterlillies.'

'Excuse me?'

'You're favorite flowers are waterlillies.' I state, for the moment I have again lost the strength to fight. The anger within me has subsided to a barable level, a level at which I can control it.

He doesn't understand why I bring this up all of a sudden. Just like when I started rambling about the roses in the frontyard. He doesn't understand. He doesn't understand just how much this evironment reflects his life.

Heero laughs. Hard and long. Slowly it dies out, when it's finally quiet again, I miss the sound, but his soft, surprised words offer some comfort. 'How did you know?'

_I didn't._ I shrug. _Not really._ 'It just seemed logical. They suit you.' I turn to look at him and notice that despite the fact he had just been laughing out loud, he looks very sad. Very lonely. Very lost. He looks like I had always imagine Heero would look once the war was over, once he had no orders to follow, no grand purpose to his life other than to fulfill his own wishes, needs and wants. Wishes, needs and wants buried so deep within him they are lost behind all the barriers, all the walls.

'I'm still angry with you, ya know?' I'm not completely sure if i meant that. My mind hasn't been strong enough in years to sustain real anger. However, I know for certain that I _should _still be angry with him and that he deserves all my fury and rage. I'm just too tired.

Heero nods. 'And I'm still angry with you.'

'Good.' That way I didn't have to feel guilty about it. I'm still upset about the fact that they didn't give me the money and that Heero took me in out of pity, instead of out of friendship, which he had told me. He had lied to me. And because he is so judgemental and bitter, sometimes downright nasty and I feel like I don't deserve it. Atleast, not all the time. It's like there are two different people living inside that body of his and one of them is too kind and the other is too cruel. There seems to be no balance, no compromises and that was so... _Heero._ He can be black and he can be white, but whatever he is, it's what you deserve.

'I'm going back to bed.' He declared and then pushed away from the banister. In a few large strides he was back inside and I listened as his footsteps grew more faint, till I couldn't hear him moving about in the house anymore.

It annoys me but I must admit, even though he betrayed me and I'm on the verge of hating him, in a way, I still care deeply for him and I wish we had it in us to work things out and become friends, because what we had... what we used to have... I think that was special. The most precious thing I had ever had and no that's it's gone I don't understand how we could have let that slip away. Why he couldn't have opened up to me when I needed him to. And why I couldn't have opened up to him when he needed _me_ to.

I hate the black and I hate the white... but I love the gray that I _know_ resides somewhere in between those extremes.

FLASHBACK

I watched as the paramedics carefully hoisted Marimea onto the gurney and then quickly rushed her outside, where the only ambulance on sight waited to transport her to the hospital. In my arms lay Heero. He had been quiet all the time, even though Relena kept talking to him, begging him to respond, but after a while he had shut his eyes and hadn't opened them yet. Underneath that ugly green tanktop of his we found a nasty gash, running horizontally across his abdomen. To the untrained eye it looked as though his body was ripped in two. I couldn't look at it, the sight was horrible. The cut was deep, exposing dark red, bleeding flesh and muscles. Though it was dark and we could barely see, I know his tanktop is no longer green and I know the puddle of liquid I'm sitting in isn't water and I can't help but notice his lips are growing blue and his face white. But Marimea was made priority. Her wound was a more immediate threat to her life but if help didn't come within the next few minutes for Heero, it would be too late.

Relena is gone now. She went upstairs to try and contact the hospital and if that wouldn't work she would find some other way to get him there. I knew that by sitting with him, holding him, I wasn't doing his condition much good, still, I felt like it was the right thing to do. The best thing to do. I knew that if I was in the situation Heero was in right now, I wouldn't want to see my friends screaming into a cellphone. I would want them to hold me.

Did I just subconsciously admit I was Heero's friend?

'How is he doing?' Quatre squats down next to us, he had left to retrieve some clean cloths to cover up the wound and stop the bleeding to the best of our abilities. The scientists had been more interested in training and preparing us for battle, not how to handle the bleeding victims after our rampage.

I don't answer him, I figure he could pretty damn well see for himself and I was the kind of guy that, no matter how fond of talking, didn't like stating the obvious. Especially not when it's so painful.

Quatre leaves me alone with him again. WuFei hasn't come in yet, he probably doesn't even know yet that his comrade is in such bad shape. Trowa went out to look for him. I know why, I could see it in his emerald green eyes. He is thinking this will be our last moments with Heero and he didn't want WuFei – who apparently has some deep spiritual bond with Heero if I had to take Quatre's word for it – to miss it.

When I look back at his face I blurt out his name when I see his eyes are open. At the same time, I can hear sirens nearing. A second ambulance. Thank god.

'They're here buddy. The docs are here, you're gonna be okay.'

He tries to look at his abdomen, searching for the source of his physical pain that drown out the emotional pain that torments all of us 24/7 and makes us long for the times we are grazed by bullets and hit in the face.

I take a gentle, but firm hold of his chin and prevent him from looking down. With a smile I'm surprised that didn't falter, I say: 'Just a little cut. No worries.' My voice betrayed the truth. My eyes probably did too. Strangely though, Heero didn't look worried, but why did I expect him to be? He had always expected to die in battle, that might even have been what he was hoping for. I grow angry at the thought that he might be hoping to die, right now, here in my arms, in the aftermath of battle, angry that he wish such pain apon me, but I push those thoughts away, because right now it wasn't about me and my selfish feelings.

He smiles at me. It looks awkward, but that's okay, because it's honest and real and it's the first time I've seen it. A virginal smile. It lights up his eyes but sadly it did nothing to improve the ash color of his complexion or the ice cold appearence of his cracked lips.

I vaguely hear the footsteps of the paramedics rushing towards us, manouevering through the debri scattered throughout the room. They drown out Heero's small voice, but, even though lipreading is not one of my specialities, I can tell what he is saying.

'I love you.'

END OF FLASHBACK

I had ignored his words that day, played dumb. Even though I knew he was dying to hear my response.

Maybe he still is.

I rush upstairs, skipping steps. It was like I flew up. Within seconds I nearly kicked open the door of his bedroom where I found him sitting his bed, with the light on his nightstand on. He sitting straight up, his back leaning against two pillows – his and Ben's – he was holding a book, from which he looked up at me in surprise. When I didn't speak he returned to reading his book as though I wasn't there.

I walk up to him till the remaining distance between us is only two feet, but now that I was here, I didn't know what to say The words just wouldn't come. Not the right words, not the words I wanted to say, but since I hadn't made much sense all evening, I gave up with struggle and just blurted: 'You really loved me.'

He ignores me and turns back to his book.

'You really loved me.' I repeated a little louder, in hopes of getting his attention or at least a response of some sort.

Even though I'm sure he heard me the first time, only now did he acknowledge it. He lowered the book a bit and averted his gaze to his lap. 'Yes, I did.'

My heart is beating wildly at the awkwardness and the intensity of the moment, here in his bedroom, lit by a single orange light. I had a feeling this would be a covnersation I'd forever remember and that scared me and made me feel hot and jumpy, but bailing out was not an option.

However, wanting to respond and actually doing so are too very different things. Every sentence, every word got stuck in my throat and was swallowed back in.

So Heero started reading again.

'… I didn't know.' I finally say.

Heero snorts. 'I think I had told you often enough.'

'But you are the perfect soldier.' I stated, as if that would explain everything.

Heero kept pretending to be interested in his book, which still lay in his lap.

'I thought you didn't know what love meant.' I continued, trying to explain, 'I thought you just said it because you felt obliged to do so. Because you thought it was the right thing to do.'

Another snort, but still doesn't look up from his book. 'When did I ever do anything just because they were the 'right thing to do'?'

'I know. You're right… I wasn't being completely honest. Like I said, I just thought that you didn't… know.'

'I didn't know.' Heero said. 'I didn't know what love was. Till I opened myself up to the feelings I was experiencing evey time you were near me and even more so when you were far away. It wasn't hard to figure out. It felt so natural to call those feelings love.' Heero looked away, squeezing his eyes shut, creating a pained expression. Then suddenly his wholde demeanor changed and his face turned back to stone and his eyes were cold and frozen over again. 'But that was a long time ago. So it doesn't matter anymore.'

A long silence. I noticed he had redirected his full attention back to his book and I wondered: 'Don't you want to know if I loved you too?'

He looks up with his infamous deathglare. 'I already know the answer to that question.'

He did? I didn't even know the answer.

'As you said: Everyone you loved dies... and as you can see, I am still very much alive.' He looks back at the pages of his book again. I wait, but I soon realise he – and therefore we – is done talking and he is once more completely absorbed into his book. This conversation was over. Defeated I turn on my heels and return to my room.

I'm confused. Why _did_ I bring this up now? Did I _really_ expect him to still care? Did I expect him to lie awake at night, even after all these years, even with Ben by his side, strong arms wrapped around his waist, pondering over the question: Did he love me? I've always known I was selfish and selfabsorbed, but even i find myself surprised at my arogance of tonight.

I can't catch any sleep. Instead I toss and turn in my bed pondering over his theory. Did him being alive really meant that I never loved him?

Or did it just prove my own conclusion – everyone I love dies - wrong?

I have to get out of here!

**Not as short as I thought it would be, and also not as quick as I thought it would be. A lot has been revealed in this chappie, but it was time I got a move on. From here on the story is gonna progres pretty quickly but I still have a long way to go, I hope you can bear with me and stick it out to the end :) **

**I'm not really happy with this particular chapter, it's messy and fast compared to the previous ones, that's why I waited a day before I posted it, to think it over. But I figured it wasn't gonna get any better than this and now that I've reached this point, the point I had been looking forward to reach all this time, I can't bring myself to turn things back.**

**I hope you guys liked it ;)**

**Love,**

**Crimson**


	19. Chapter 19

**Snowdragonct: thanks for your review! You are dead on with your analysis about Duo and Heero. Duo wasn't just being selfish by pulling the plug and Heero is indeed not a blameless victim and I promise it won't takemuch longer for them to figure that out :) I'm really glad you liked the chapter, I don't like the particular chapter but I like where the plot is finally going, I hope I'll succeed in pulling more emotions out of you and the other readers. Thanks again. Love, Crimson.**

**Aoileveline: two reviews, wow ;) I'm sorry to say it but Duo won't be leaving anytime soon, because there is no middle ground. It's either staying in Heero's house, or going back to L2 because he doesn't have the money to get his own place on earth (actually, there is no place for him to go on L2 either since, as said in one of the previous chapters, he lost his house as well because he could no longer foot the bills). Also, what I'm trying to show is that both of them are learning to cope with eachother and are now ready to face their problems head on. From now on there will be no more running and no more hiding ;) I hope you'll continue to read, I'd really appreciate it :)**

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter eighteen**

That was two weeks ago. Two weeks ago that I was lying awake all night telling myself I had to run while I still could. Get out of here before Heero would become a crutch I could no longer walk without. I had been determined. I spent the entire night convincing myself it was the right thing to do, for all of all and I ignored every voice of selfcoubt that whispered in my head. Every memory that could make me change my mind.

// 'You can't do 'right things'!' //

But as always, my plans didn't work out as I had hoped. Something got in the way. Something changed my mind without even trying. Without even being conscious of it.

And that 'something' happened to be six foot tall with smooth blond hair, piercing green eyes and a body to die for.

Yes. Damn him.

Damn Ben.

It was I will now refer to as the 'morning after'. The morning after my informative conversation with Heero. The morning after my sleepless night. However, at around six am I finally passed out from exhaustion in my bed. A welcome, blissfull, dreamless sleep I had been longing for. No, a sleep I had been craving for. But it made the reality I woke up to eight hours later even more horrible then it had been when I fell asleep.

It was two in the afternoon, an insane hour to be waking up. However, the hour of me waking up would have been even more insane had it not been for the loud shutting of the frontdoor and the even louder argument that filled the hallway. I figured Heero had just returned from picking Ben and Abby up from the hospital and going by the sound of it, Ben had fully recovered from his whiplash. However, as us ex-gundam pilots know by experience, as soon as the physical pain is gone, the heart starts to throb again. And Ben, though not a soldier that had actively particaped in either of the two wars, was suffering from the same symptoms, but unlike us he was portraying this openly, loudly.

Angrily.

Over the months I've been here I've heard Heero and Ben argue many times, more than a regular couple, less than what I had expected. But never had it been as heated as now. Ben had finally exploded, after walking around with a threatening, rythmic tick for weeks.

Morbid curiosity drew me to my bedroom door and made me place my ear against it to hear them better. I knew I shouldn't listen, it was wrong. And it would be even worse if Heero found out, which I'm sure he will. But I can't stop myself. Like no human can stop themselves from looking at the trainwreck and the blodied bodies and crying relatives. It was human nature to watch.

_Curiosity killed more than just the cat._

'I just can't believe that you...! I feel betrayed. Like I come second!' Ben yelled with a voice of slight despair and major fury.

'Second to what?'

'Second to _him_!'

The baby started crying as her two daddies fought. They fell silent and I could Heero heero going upstairs. I could tell because his footsteps were lighter and his pace was even and controlled. Ben, who immediately followed, was a different case. His footsteps were loud, because of his weight and his obvious anger. He stomped after Heero, who had taken the baby into the nursery and got her to quiet down. Without talking Heero walked past Ben and went downstairs again. Once more Ben followed. I could almost feel him fighting with himself to stay quiet, but he was fighting a losing battle. As soon as they both reached the bottom of the stairs he started yelling again.

'I thought we had agreed on _Josephine_!'

I could hear heero turn on his heels, probably to face ben and pin him down with one of his glares as he hissed: 'We never _agreed_ on anything. I said I'd think about it.'

'What's there to think about?!'

Heero struggled with words for a moment and then explained calmly, but loud enough for me to hear: 'I don't like the name.' He walked away, into the kitchen.

'The hell you do! I know what this is about!!!' Ben followed him.

I was afraid I would no longer be able to hear what they were saying but the fact that they were further away now was compensated by the fact that they were both growing louder with each word that passed their taut lips.

'Do you now?!' was Heero's sarcastic retort.

'Yes! This is all about Duo. Like _everything_, is _always_ about Duo!'

I couldn't hear Heero's response to that, it was too quiet for me to be heard as anything more than a mumble.

But Ben's words I could still precive loud and clear. 'Well what am I supposed to think?! Considering your past, considering your present! I mean,a fter all he has done you still take him in when he shows up on our doorstep?! What does that leave me to think?!'

'That I am a kind person! Not that I'm a whore!'

'I'm not saying you are a whore!'

'Then what _are_ you saying, Ben?!'

'That your are still in love with him!'

'What?!'

'Why else did you tell the hospital her name was Abby Kennard?!'

'Because we hadn't decided on a name yet!'

'Yes. We. Did! It was _Josephine_!'

'I don't like that name!'

'Yes. You. Do!'

Silence.

Then, a little more controlled, but still very loud and very angry. 'I want him out of our house and out of our lives.'

'He has always been in my life...' The implied: 'and he always will be' hung heavily in the air.

'How can I be sure there is nothing going on between you two?'

'You're just gonna have to trust me.'

'But you still love him!'

'Yes, I do.'

SMACK

My breath hitched as I identified the sound.

Ben concerned and sorrowful voice soon followed: 'Oh my God, Heero... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to...' His voice was nearing. He was following Heero as he spoke, who was walking towards the stairs. 'I shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry.'

Heero didn't respond to his deperate apologies. 'Duo was my first and best friend, no matter what happened between us. I love him and forever will. You're just gonna have to find a way to deal with that.'

The house finally quieted down. Ben left for the livingroom and I could hear Heero going upstairs. His footfalls sounded defeated and tired.

I listened till he closed the bedroom door behind him, then I sagged down on the edge of my bed, overwhelmed by what I had just heard. I'm not sure what to think. But everything that crossed my mind was negative. Ben came across as manipulative and controlling and Heero came across as the beaten puppy who ahd no other choice but to obey. That's not how I remembered Heero and that's not the memory of him that I had wanted to take back with me to L2.

Also, hearing that he still loved me and always will, was upsetting. Even though he meant the platonic kind of love, I know what had gone on between us during the wars and forgetting that washard, no, it was impossible. Not a day went by that I didn't think about it and I wonder how Heero could move past his feelings and once more see me as nothing more than a friend. Or was he lying? Was there more to it? Did he remember it too?

I knew better than to get involved any further. Even there probably wasn't a worse time for me to break it to him, I knew I had to tell him that I would be leaving. Obviously I was causing them a lot of trouble, more than Heero let on and I was sick and tired of always being the one to ruing things. To ruin lives. I wanted to be the God of Death no more and it doesn't look like anyone can help me with that, not even Heero.

After half an hour of preparing things to say I left my bedroom and headed for his. I opened the door softly and peeked in, no one was there, but the door to the bathroom was ajar so I figured he was in there, probably washing his face to cool down.

However, as soon as I had barged into the spacious bathroom I came to regret it because I found Heero had just finished washing a lot more than just his face.

Standing in the center of the bathroom, as naked as the day he was presumebly pulled out of a testtube, with a towel in his right hand with which his was rubbing his wet chocalate bangs dry was Heero Yuy. The Perfect Soldier in all of his glory and I couldn't help but stare, like my own, Heero's body has changed too. It it even more well defined, even leaner, the skin is even more golden, the legs apear even longer, the waist even slimmer.

'DUO!!!' Heero lowered the towel to cover his most private body parts and looked at me sternly.

'Relax, it's nothing I haven't seen before.' Not entirely true, since he has changed so much, but I'd figured it be best for my defense to leave the part in which I noticed all of these changes out. 'Besides, it's your fault! You should have locked the door.'

Heero looks down, trying the towel around his waist. 'I'm just not used to having strangers in the house.'

That comment of his, uttered so innocently, snapped something inside of me. Insulted I spat: 'Oh, so now I'm a stranger huh? What about all that crap about still loving me? About still being my friend?!'

Heero narrows his eyes at me as he realises I heard every word of the fight he had just had. 'You had no right listening to that.'

'How could I not, the whole neighbourhood heard!'

Heero decided to get back on topic: 'You know I don't think of you as a stranger.'

I nod and place my hands on my hips. 'Yes I do. I'm not a stranger to you. I'm you're charity case, that's what I am. So you can buy off your guilt.'

'Duo, what is with you? You're blowing this out of proportion.'

'Am I? So this whole thing is not because you feel guilty about not sharing the money with me? This ios not about you easing your conscience and proving to the world that you are the better man? The _best_ man?!'

'I just want to help!' He took a threatening step towards me.

'Newsflash!' I yelled. I imagine my eyes are wide and crazy looking but this fight had to be had. It was the sequel to the fight that had been so rudely interupted by a call from the hopsital. 'I'm not the only one who needs help here. You do too! You and this little fake life you are living here! This disgusting game of pretend!'

'I'm not gonna listen to this.' Heero pushed past me into the bedroom. 'Who are you to judge my life?!'

I follwed him. 'Come _on_! You're a stafford _fag_! With the perfect hubbie and the perfect dog and the perfect house and the perfect car and the perfect LIFE! You are fucking Barbie! But just like she, and her life, this-' I wildly gestured around myself, 'isn't real! It's FAKE! And so are you!'

'And what about you?! You're just a fuck up! You're a lousy friend! A lousy husband! And you're a lousy _father_!'

I shove him, he stumbles back a little bit but he is not deterred and keeps his angry gaze fixed apon me.

'You don't know what I've been through! You don't know how much pain I've been through!'

Heero rolls his eyes. 'Don't start about pain with me. If anyone should complain about pain, It's me, because _you_ have no idea!'

'Of course I know what pain is like! My wife is dead. I've lost my child. I've lived on the streets most of my life!!'

'I've lived on the streets too!'

'Yeah? But not as long as I have.' I retorted childishly.

'That's not a valid argument.'

'Yes it is.'

'Fine! But I was brutally trained and exploited by J!' Heero shot back and I had almost expected him to stick out his tongue.

'So was I, by G!'

'Not as long as I was!'

'That's-' I stop myself and glare at the smirk on Heero's face. I'm so angry with him right now I wanted to smack that smile off that pretty face of his. I took a step towards him and balled my fist. If it hadn't been for Ben interupting us, I might have actually hit Heero. He came to stand in between us, one hand against Heero's bare chest, his other nearly touching my clothed one.

'Stop it you two!' He says furiously. 'Don't tell me you two are seriously fighting about who's life sucks most!'

We both look away a bit shamed of the childish fight we had just had. But i can't deny that I feel so much better now.

'_God_.' Ben lets out frustrated and he gives Heero a cold look as he lets his arms drop.

It is that very moment, as his arms fall to his side and Heero gets to experience what it's like to be on the receiving end of a truly cold and piercing glare, that I realise: I can't leave. I _had _to leave. I _wanted_ to leave. But I couldn't. And how it ever crossed my mind that I could is a mystery to me because if I could have, I would have been long gone. But still here I am. After nearly four months I am still here.

I couldn't because I had changed. I had changed the day I left that bottle of liquor shut on my hotelbed and watched withou protest as Heero emptied it in the sink the next morning. From that point on I was a different man. A different Duo. There would be no more running and there would be no more hiding. It's time to face my fears. It's time to face my pain. It's time to face myself.

I couldn't leave because there was still something going on between Heero and me. I couldn't leave till I found out what that was.

And as I watched Ben's hand drop from Heero's chest, lightly stroking it in the process, making the soft hairs visibly rise, I acknowledge a sense of jealousy washing over me and the terrifying thought takes hold of me that this thing between me and Heero. This thing that does not allow me to leave.

It's neither hate nor guilt.

It could be… love. Still.

**I was on a roll!! This was another fast chapter and again very revealing. But most of all it was a really angry chapter, if I do say so myself and I hope you agree because that's what I was going for. The lids are off and the emotions are pouring out.**

**I hope you liked, I hope you'll review, if only because I was so quick to update ;)**

**Love,**

**Crimson**


	20. Chapter 20

**_Shadowalchemist198: There is no reason for you to apologize, you are absolutely right, I do make a lot of spellingerrors like those. After reading your review I've reread the last chapter and hunted down all the errors you pointed out (and in the meantime coming across more). I have corrected them and I hope I didn't miss any. I'm not saying I will be betaing all my chapters from now on (because I'm just too lazy) but I felt I just couldn't leave chapter nineteen as it was after you had pointed out all those errors. I'm sorry I make so many mistake and I thank you very much for your review and for your help._ **

**Snowdragonct: It's never good, is it? I either don't update quick enough, or I update **_**too**_** quick ;) I promise you soon Duo and Heero will say everything they have to say to eachother, but you're gonna have to stick with me a little longer and hope for the best ;) Thanks a lot for your review, always enjoy hearing from you :). Enjoy this bittersweet update, with a tang of spice and a hint of (future/past) lemon, served to you on a silver platter ;)**

**Airezi: Yes, he was acting stupid, but I still love him ;) thanks for your review, tell me what you think of this update!**

**Zuzanny: Hahahahahaha, what can I say, I aim to please ;) More nakedness coming up soon (shhh, don't tell ;) ), not yet though.**

**Goddess of Ravens Blood: Thanks for your review, short, but great nonetheless:) I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long**

**DragonRaye: Finally someone who can see past my sucky grammar and spelling. Pfew ;) Thanks for your review, I'm really grateful that you are enjoying it as much as you do and I'm very happy to know my stories entertain you in between classes ;)**

**Hikaru Itsuko: Yes, I think we all agree: Ben and Relena are very 'hate-able' ;) I have another gundampilot VS gundampilot confrontation in this chapter (not WuFei and not Heero ;) ) I hope this will be enough for now, I'm not sure if I am bringing Relena into the picture though since she is no longer close with the boys (it's a jealousy issue or something ;) some people might not like it when the love of your life marries someone else… of the same gender ;) mwuhahahahaha) Thanks for the review!**

**Makoto-mai: hmmm 'Kill Ben' everyone keeps saying that. Shall I, or shall I not? That's the question ;) I'm sorry the 'roll' didn't continue, I took a little break from writing but now I'm back with avengence! ;) thanks for reviewing!**

**Nighthawk921: Do I sound arrogant when I say I really liked that part too? It was my attempt of putting a little bit of humor back into the story and I thought the fight fitted them both perfectly, childish, stubborn but heated and honest. Thanks for your review, leave another (please? ;) ) and tell me what you think of this chapter. **

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter Nineteen**

There are so many ways to confess your love. To describe to someone how you feel, how they make you feel. Some opt for the simple but effective and always heartening 'I love you', other are more creative when it comes to their choise of words. But no matter what you say or how you say it, the words are only words when they are untrue or spoken without certainty. Without the real feelings felt in the heart and the vulnerabilities when spoken the first time they are the most meaningless wastes of breath. So I ask myself not how to tell, I'm asking how to know. How can anyone ever be so certain about loving and being loved? Love is too complicated. There is no certainty when it comes to love. Still I am sure that when Heero spoke the words most of Earths, and the colonies, inhabitants are all dying – or rather living for – to hear, he was certain, he was true. His words were not just empty shells exploding out of his mouth like blanks out of a barrel. He fired with that dead aim of his – even with one eye closed – and the bullet hit me straight between the eyes and has been lodged inside my head ever since and up untill now I had never even been aware of this alien presence inside my head, but now it's making my head throb and pulsate and puzzle. And it's making me think of frightening things, selfish things.

I'm home alone and every drop of alcohol is calling out to me. First there were only whispers that I heard as I sat in the livingroom, watching the sunday game. Now dozens of voices are screaming in my head, so the volume of the tv goes up and up till Edie is barking and whining and running around. But I'm not paying any attention to the dog, nor the tv. What I'm looking at is the picture hanging above the tv, in a neat, silver frame. An enlarged, black and white photograph of a group of people and they are happy, I can tell because their smiles are real, I know they are. It's taken on Heero's and Ben's wedding day, nothing in the picture suggests this particular occasion, but I just figured... Of course they were standing in the center of it, at the top of a few white marble steps, the building behind them is blurred, too unclear to identify, but it could be a church. Ben's arm is wrapped around Heero's waist, his head sticking out far above the short Asian's. The two of them are wearing tuxes, perfectly fitted, perfectly pressed, to match those perfect faces of them. On the other steps, surrounding them, are many people, most of which I do not know. A woman old enough and looking enough like Ben to be his mother, wearing a neat, light coloured skirt and matching jacket. Her hair is short and curly, but the same platinum blonde as Ben. The man standing next to her is probably her husband, looking much older and stern. The harsh kind of father, probably served in the army himself and instilled those ideas into his little boy. Another blonde in the picture is a pretty woman, a little younger than Ben, though a bit on the chunky side she has an attractive face. The other unknown faces I can't really place. Most likely they are more of Ben's family members and people whom they have met and befriended over the years of Heero's life that are dark and unknown to me. A huge void in which so much has happened. A black hole which he was sucked into and now spat back out, back into my path of life, but I'm not quite certain whether he came out the same way he went in.

Now for the familiar faces. Of course there were the other pilots. Quatre stood out being the only one confidant – or gay – enough to wear a completely white tux. He smiled and it was honest, but his eyes held something within them that I could not pinpoint. I wouldn't call it sadness, but whatever it was the look was inappropriate for the occassion. Next to him stood a woman of his age, pretty and sophiscated, she looked familiar but I couldn't match her face with a name. Tall and muscular Trowa is standing behind Quatre. They aren't touching but their spiritual bond is captured in the picture. A bond I can't see between Heero and Ben, but that might be just because I don't want to see it. He is still handsome, now in a little more rugged and more mature kind of way. Then there is WuFei, though not the tallest, his pride sticks out above everyone elses, head and shoulders. Wrapped around his arm is a young woman with black hair, probably the same as the one who picked him up at the hotel when he paid me such a warm visit, or he just has a thing for dark hair, which would not entirely surprise me despite the rumors that had went on about him and Sally.

Of course Relena was present too. Though the picture was black and white I dare to bet the dress she is wearing is pink. She is standing furthest away from the newlyweds and I wonder if there's a reason for that. She doesn't look happy at all. The only one of the bunch sporting a smile as obviously fake as a 'Folex'. I can imagine why she did not approve, but still, she attended...

She was invited...

I remember my own wedding picture, made on the day Hilde and I tied the knot. Only five people in our picture. Ourselves, with Hilde doing her very best to conceal her slightly bulging stomach, her mother, looking like a stern, seasoned nazi, her maid of honour – which would be the pissed off, fat sister standing to the left – and my best man, a guy I had worked a few shifts with at the scrapyard and who bought me a beer once afterwards.

_//'Ahhh yes... God you're good.'_

'_I am engaged.' I remind him._

_He smirks 'I am already married.'//_

I can't help but wonder how those two pictures would have ended up had things been different. Had different decisions been made. Would I have been in Ben's place? Who would have been in mine? Or, if it hadn't been Hilde, would it have been just another pretty face?

The crowd roared and the reporter yelled: 'TOUCHDOWN!!! TOUCHDOWN!!! What a remarkable throw! Touchdown! This game may not be lost yet!'

But even past all this my ears perked at another sound. The sound of the doorbell ringing. I knew it wasn't Heero, Ben and Abby, they had a key and also they said they wouldn't be back till after dinner. So who...?

I walked over to the front door and tried to see who it was through the blurry window. All I could recognise was blonde hair, but that didn't mean much to me, so bewildered I open the door only to regret it the moment I did.

Polished shoes, pressed pants, cashmir trenchcoat, neatly ironed button-up shirt, large aquamarine eyes and blonde hair. Who else could it be but Quatre?

'Heero and Ben are out.' I blurt, hoping he would just go away because I knew what would happen if he didn't.

'I know. This day every year they drive up to Ben's parents to spend the day.'

'Oh.' What was I supposed to say?

'I came to see you.'

Kinda figured that one out by myself. I may have flunked math but I knew 02 plus 04 equals trouble.

'Aren't you going to invite me in?'

'Of course,' I step aside and open the door wider for him, 'where are my manners.'

He steps in silently and I'm grateful he swallowed his come-back. Then again I could have expected him to do so, as sweetlooking as Quatre may be the little thing only enjoys his mean remarks to the fullest when they are unexpected. This one was too easy for him.

When I closed the door I noticed that there was someone else in the black limousine that belonged to Quatre and the gravity defying hairstyle suggested it was no one less than Trowa. 'Isn't he coming in?'

'He wanted to, but not to talk.' He turns to me, his eyes inspecting my very being, looking straight through all the facades and barricades. Damn that blonde devil.

'And what did you come for?'

He turns on his heels and walks further into the house with a superior attitude to him that comes with his monthly paycheck. 'To accuse... To explain... To question.'

'So much to do and so little time.' I joke and follow him into the living room. He is petting Edie with a gentleness not reserved for me.

'You still act like the joker.' He states.

'You still act like the superior asshole.' My voice sounded dead serious.

His hand on Edie's head stilled. He faces the TV with an annoyed frown. 'Does the volume have to be this high?' He takes hold of the remote and turns down the volume. For a few seconds he watches the game progress, probably thinking of what to say.

'You were going to start with accusations.' I remind him sarcastically.

'Right.' Quatre turns and points at me with a stiff finger, his whole body tensed up. 'You had no right butting into Heero's life like this. Haven't you ruined it enough already? He has worked so hard to make himself a normal, peaceful life without pain and without sorrow and now you barge in hear thinking you have the right to tear it all apart? Why do you keep doing this to him?'

Silence fell so I assumed he was done, quicker than I had expected. 'For your information, Heero _asked_ me to stay. And I know he has worked hard for all of this. But sometimes Quat, peace is not enough. I thought all of us gundam pilots knew that much. And do you honestly think I don't feel guilty about being here? That it doesn't tear me up to hear them fight? But I can't leave Quatre. I can't leave. And I thought that was something _you _would understand.'

I wait for him to retort but much to my surprise I have succeeded in rederring him silent. I look at him, really take him in. Short as he still was, every fiber of his being was testimony to his success. For this I have always despised him, if only in the back of my head. Wrong as it is of me to think, I believe Quatre wouldn't be anywhere near the person he is right now if he hadn't been born into a wealthy family. This may just be the jealousy talking but I can't help but think that if my last name had been Winner I wouldn't be the screw-up I've become...

I take my eyes off him and direct my gaze outside where I spot the tall figure standing next to the black limousine parked on the driveway. His hands are on his hips and he is looking around with an agitated and impatient look on his face, his emerald green eyes squinting in the wind and the bright sunlight.

However confronting and emotional it was to be faced with them again I still felt some faint joy within me. Afterall, they are all still my brothers. I never thought of them as any less. Heero was the only one that I never thought of as my brother. Because my bond with him, as superficial as it may have seemed, as we both allowed ourselves to believe, was something even greater than that of brotherhood. More intense. Those eyes of his can still leave me shaken with shivers running up and down my spine. It's a feeling I both love and hate. I love it when I know I will be feeling that way for the rest of my life. I hate it when the thought sinks into my skull that each time could be the last and I could never again feel so... alive.

'He's married Duo.'

Good old Quatre... always could read our minds.

'And he has a kid.'

'_My_ kid.' I spat back before I even knew it. My eyes widen a little, did I still think of Abby as mine?

Quatre shakes his head but his mouth remains shut.

'I know about the money.'

He looks at me with a blank face.

'Why didn't you share it with me?'

'I didn't feel like you deserved it. I still don't.'

With both hands I grab the collar of his neatly pressed shirt and push him backwards against the blue wall, the pictureframes rattled from the force and the air was knocked out of the blonde's lungs, leaving him gasping for air. In reflex his hands shot op to clutch mine. I'm sure he could feel my veins throbbing, threatening to burst from anger, however, he didn't make an effort to free himself.

'That money wasn't given to you because you sat at heero's bedside and with one hand held his and with the other plugged in all the machinery that kept him alive. That money was given to you because you risked your life and wellfare for that of others! I did that too! I got shot, beat up and blown apart! I sacrificed my life for that of strangers and common folk too!'

He fixes a stern gaze on me and calmly spoke: 'Yet you could not be just as courageous when it came to a person that really matters. You could not make any more sacrifices, not even for the perseon who deserved it the most.'

I pulled him towards me a little bit and then slammed him back into the wall. One of the pictureframes fell and the glass shattered. 'No one forced those pills down his throat Quatre. He made that decision by himself and we all know Heero only does what he wants to and what he is sure of is best.'

Bitterly we stare into eachothers eyes, panting in eachothers face till my anger subsided and my grip on his collar loosened till finally I felt to composed enough to release him and take a step back.

He reaches in his breastpocket and takes out a black book and a pen. A black chequebook and a pen. He flips it open and scribbles down something. He signs it then rips the page, the cheque, out of the book, all done without words. He holds it out to me.

Stunned I take it from him. As expected, written on the dotted line stood: 2.500.000 dollars, under that was his signature. I close my eyes and grip the paper tightly. The past few years flashing before my eyes. How much easier it would have been had I held this cheque in my hands seven years ago.

Quatre looks at me, awaiting my response. Perhaps even expecting a breathy 'thank you'.

I open my eyes and he is surprised to see the violet orbs burning furiously. Right in front of his face I ripped the cheque in too, quite dramatically, like a daytime soap written specifically for desperate housewives, but I wanted it to have an impact. 'I have never been this insulted in my entire life.' I seethed.

'I-I don't understand.' Quatre stammers. 'I gave you the money, what more could you want?'

'It's not about the money Quatre! It's about betrayal! Someone who really knows me-' I shake my head, 'A real _friend_, someone who _loves_ me' I correct myself, 'Wouldn't have even made such a stupid offer. You can write any number on that cheque, it wouldn't matter. The money has come too late, I'm already standing on the ruins of my life, no amount will ever resurrect it, make all the pain go away, make everything like new again and no amount will ever buy off your guilt. You have betrayed a friend and that's the feeling you are gonna have to walk with for the rest of your life.'

'You ripped up the cheque just because you want me to feel guilty?' He blurts.

'No Quatre. Because you deserve to.

Once again we find ourselves staring at eachother in silence. Finally Quatre lowers his head and looks down and the perfect hardwood floor and his polished shoes. 'You're right.' He whispers.

Unmoved I say: 'If you have nothing else to say...'

'Actually I do.' Quatre says, but he is already heading for the door. He turns the knob in his soft hand, free of calluses, and opens it. 'Not every marriage is perfect, or even good, but that doesn't mean an affair from the past is worth risking it all. You should have taken the money and started anew, no matter what we do or do not deserve.' He sounded like he knew exactly what he was talking about. He steps out. A glance at the clock reveals he has been here no longer than thirty minutes. From inside the living room I look outside where he approaches the car and Trowa. Trowa looks at him, but says nothing. For a few seconds they stand in front of eachother in silence and I almost get the insane idea that they are telepathically communicating with one another. Then they both simultaneously step back. Trowa gets behind the wheel and Quatre makes his way over to the passengar side and gets in.

The car swiftly pulls out of the driveway and soon, they are gone.

I know that Quatre had meant those words to discourage me, but all he had done is flare the questions and feelings that I have for now I had received confirmation that Heero's marriage is indeed, not perfect but a knock-off.

But where did that leave me?

'OH NO!' The tv screamed, catching my attention. It was the game, half of the audience was standing on their seats, cheering and waving red and white flags. The other half was either disappointed, not wearing their green and white T-shirts with pride, or becoming aggressive.

'This is going _really_ wrong,_ really_ fast!' the reporter called as a shaky image of the fight in the stadium was shown.

Big men in blue uniforms, the police, started to swarm in like a giant inkstain between the red, the green and the white. Smoke was rising from the chaos, fireworks and then... gunfire, screaming.

Uninterested and unmoved I switch off the tv. Earthians are stupid. At least on L2 people didn't go all crazy about a game, they were too busy surviving, trying to make something out of themselves and shooting people for real reasons to be bothered by football, or basketkall, or baseball or any other kind of ball actually. Behaviour like violence in or about sport made me ashamed to human and made me regret ever fighting for our dispicable race. Many heroes have died fighting for peace in that war and there they are, the very people we were protecting, turning on eachother, fighting eachother. If this was what peace looked like, fighting people, fallen heroes, than it has all been nothing but a waste of time, of life and of mobile suit fuel.

Night soon fell, but I wasn't a witness to the no doubt extraordinary sunset and the beautiful spreading of the dark blue, sparkling canvas across this side of Earths atmosphere. When I woke the house was dark, as were the streets and the sky but it wasn't silent. I woke just in time to hear the front door closing, not in the least bit attempting to be quiet Ben walked into the living room and switched on the main light.

'I'm sorry, did we wake you?'

He couldn't care less, that much was obvious.

Rubbing my eyes I tiredly speak up: 'How was your trip?'

'Fabulous. Nothing more enjoyable than driving two hundred miles with a know-it-all Gundam Pilot in the passenger seat.'

It wouldn't be wise, or even healthy, for me to ask further, so I kept my big mouth shut and just drew my own quiet conclusions. Ben storms out just as Heero walks in. I can feel Heero stopping in the center of the room and watching Ben leave. Once he is out of sight his footfalls near and I hear him sagging down in the comfortable seat by the window with a long sigh. Edie was immediately by his side, begging for his attention, but her whine revealed her efforts were in vain.

'Did you feed her?'

'Uh huh.' I moan, too tired to form a coherent response.

'Did you eat anything yourself?'

'No, I'm not really into dogfood.' I slurred.

Heero snorts. 'Really? The way you're drooling all over the pillows, I would never guess.'

I crack my eyes open and stare at him. Since when were we being friendly to one another again? 'Quatre came by today.'

Heero didn't look very surprised. Not at all actually. 'He said he would.'

'Couldn't you have warned me?'

'Warned you for what? That one of your friends wanted to see you?'

My turn to snort. Heero was so naive, did he not understand that what I had done to them and what they had done to me was too much to ever be forgiven or forgotten? Only Heero I could forgive, because I have wronged him like he has wronged me. But not yet. Not yet.

'We aren't exactly on friendly terms.'

'That doesn't mean you are no longer friends.'

I wasn't sure if I could deny that or not. As always his words had a logic to them that just seemed indestructable to me. But to say he was right would be going too far.

'Did you get into a fight?'

I shrugged. 'I shoved him around a little bit. I'll pay for the frame.' _How I wouldn't know. All the money I have is the money I stole from you._

'Yes you will.'

More silence. We are both occupied by are own thoughts, staring into nothing. Occasionally I sneak a brief peak at him as he sits elegantly in the seat. His arms on the armrests, his legs crossed, his face turned to the side as he appears to be looking at the blank tv screen allowing me a view of his profile. His sharp features haven't softened in the least bit, thank god they haven't, this stern, dangerous look – no aura that surrounds him - has always been what I find so captivating about him. Very exotic.

Very erotic.

An image of his naked body flashes before me. The moment had been brief, too brief, but still I find the memory of it very enjoyable.

His face is smooth, no stubbles unlike myself. I've allowed time to ravage me, it doesn't look like he has. In spite of the fact that – or maybe _because_ - he has nearly died several times he looks damn fine. He looks proud, wise and strong. And as indestructable as his logic.

'Heero?'

His face turns, his gaze falls apon me. 'Yeah?'

'Why haven't you offered to give me the money? Or atleast part of it?'

He frowns. Dead serious he says: 'I didn't think it was about the money. I figured you wouldn't accept it.'

I smile mysteriously and bury my face in the pillows, enjoying a rush of unexpected happiness.

**I know, it took me long enough. But finally the next update is finished and I sorta like it. Tell me what ya'll think, I can always use the advice. **

**Love,**

**Crimson.**


	21. Chapter 21

**DragonRaye: You are correct :) English isn't my first language, I'm Dutch but I think the mistakes I made are moslty the result of me being impatient and lazy because it's not like I make that many errors simply because I don't know any better ;) Forgive me. I understand very way that it takes away some of the reading experience but I've always found that when it comes to a true great story, some typos and grammar and spelling errors don't matter, so I hope in this case my errors won't matter to you ;) thank you so much for reading and reviewing, I hope you will stick with me to the bitter end ;)**

**Zuzanny: Thank God, the link is made. I was afraid people might not understand why Duo is so happy with what Heero says. I should give you guys more credit ;) Thank you for your review, I hope you wil continue to read and review.**

**Shadowalchemist198: I already responded to your review in the previous chapter after editing it, in case you haven't noticed ;). I'd like to thank you again for reviewing and apologize in advance for the errors you may (will) come across in this chapter.**

**Spittle: I'm glad you don't like him, that was my intention ;) in every single story Quatre is so sweet and so perfect, but he's is human so he must be flawed and he must have 'wrong' feelings, and act wrong from time to time. I aplogize for the spelling errors but I hope the 'quick' update will make you forgive me ;) Thank you for reading and reviewing.**

**Toni: Thanks for your review, I'm glad you like the story and I hope this update won't disappoint. Stick with me, the 'grande finale' is in sight ;)**

**Snowdragonct: Thank you so much! You always manage to make me feel good about an update ;) I hope you honestly enjoyed. I thought the speech was pretty good myself ;) And I totally agree with you, it was Heero's choice, Duo can't be blamed for wanting to finish what Heero had started and Heero **_**should**_** take the blame himself. But will he? ;) just keep on reading and find out. As always thank you for your review, it's nice to have a loyal reader and reviewer, I hope this update doesn't disappoint even though I'm not too thrilled with it myself. One comfort though: it's very long ;)**

I must warn you, if you ask me, this chapter is quite boring, but I'm reaching the end of the story and there were things left untold and unexplained so I thought it was time to catch up. This entire (long) chapter concists of flashbacks that reveal some crucial moments in Duo's life the years in between the last war and being reunited with Heero. Maybe me telling all this information in one chapter turns out to be a huge mistake but I don't have enough plot left for everything to be revealed gradually. I might have made the underlying plot a bit too complicated (and explain too much things that don't really matter to the red line of the story but I got a bit carried away, you know me).

As I said, I find this story very boring so not surprisingly I haven reread it for spelling errors. After Shadowalchemist198's review this was my intention but it's late and I'm tired and the next time I'll have the opportunity to reread and then post it is more than a week from now (I'm a busy gal) and I didn't want to keep you guys waiting so long (nor did I want to wait that long myself). I might beta it next week when I have time, but I'm not making any promises. I hope you guys can find a way to enjoy it anywho.

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter Twenty**

// **AC 200, august 15**

The streets of L2 are barren and grey. A lifeless collection of different types of metal, poured concrete and bricks. The buildings all look just as poor and rundown as the next. Rising several stories high. Most of the windows are shattered or taped off with plastic bags, similiar to the side windows of most of the parked cars. However barren this downtown part of L2 may be and however lifeless it may seem, it is never quiet. Day and night – sometimes it can be 'night' for days because they don't even have the funds to turn on the light that mimics the sun – you can hear car alarms echoing through the street. In the distance you could make out gunfire, honking cars, yells, screams. L2 is a lot of things, but quiet it will never be. Not even uptown. The chaos of the poor downtown projects echo off the rusting, bare titanium and steel (unlike L1, L2 has not replaced the outerwalls with Gundanium) walls of the colony.

Uptown. Sector1 to 22. It could be admired from afar by the dreamers stuck down here. All they had to do was open their window and stick their head out. In the distance they could see the cold glass of the tall office buildings and apartment complexes reflect the articfial light – if it was turned on.

Downtown. Sector 23 to 60, the higher the number, the worse it gets. It could be looked at with disgust by the few people who managed to earn themselves an office high up in those buildings, looking out over the colony. They could look from behind their bullet resistant glass at the dispair beneath their feet and then they would turn and never look again.

I pass a street sign. 'S31, D2' short for: Sector 31, District 2. Not too bad, not too good. The buildings look like they are about to collapse, windows are either cracked or completely shattered, but atleast the gunfire and the screaming sounds very far away. In this sector people even dare to step out onto the streets. I've been walking up here all the way from Sector 58, where rent was low enough for me to get myself an apartment.

I walk with my hands buried deep in the pockets of my jeans. I'm having a hard time trying not to be aware of the pistol I stuck in the back of my jeans. I don't feel safe without it. This however doesn't mean I feel safe _with_ it. Wouldn't be the first time an innocent pedestrian gets shot with his own gun by another desperate victim of L2's sadism. That doesn't keep me from carrying it with me everywhere I go though and keeping it under pillow as I sleep – or atleast try in vain to.

To get here I had to go past hookers, dealers, addicts, gangs, beggars, murderers, rapists and the frequent freak that found it's refuge in the dark alleys of L2. For any other human being it could be considered a miracle I even got this far. But, of course, I'm not just any human being.

Words of critism and dismay were written all over every building side. I don't have to read them to know what they say. I've walked past them often enough. Some of the phrases are very long, some are even poetic. But the one that spoke to me most was the one written in big letters, the paint drooping down like it was written in blood, and they simply read: 'L2 sucks, but it's home'. There really was no better way to say it.

I've reached a large, sand covered patch in between the red brick building, surrounded by tall steelwire fences and I stop to look. It's small, only a about a hectare, but to me every grain of sand stood for hope and opportunity. And the feeling was unique, something I will never tire of. A red sign hung from the fence, 'SOLD' it read. A white and black sign underneath read: 'Property of 'Maxwell's Scrapyard''.

Not a very original name I must admit, but I was proud to say I invested every last cent I had in this patch of ground. As soon as it was up for sale, I jumped at the opportunity, it just seemed meant to be. Only a day after I had decided I wanted to open a scrapyard and organise a clean up crew to clean up all the post war debri that floats around in outer space in dangerous vicinity to the colonies – which has caused several spaceshuttle accidents already – I walked through this street, a street both familiar and uncharted to me and my eyes fell apon this hectare of sandy dunes. I only had a moment to feel sad about seeing it, knowing what kind of a safe haven had been there before – my safe haven and the safe haven of a dozen more orphaned and helpless children – the closest I would ever come to heaven.

Now seeing it didn't make me sad for even a fraction of a second. It made me smile. It's the only thing currently in my life that could make me smile. Piles of sand, how sad is that?

It all started one morning, a morning that I thought would be just as dull as all the others I've had before, but it would turn out to be so very different.

// The early morning of March fifteenth AC 200 would turn out to be a morning not many people will ever forget. It was a morning that one day, fifty years from now, kids will read about in their history books. I was as oblivious to the immensity of that day, as were many, till I dragged myself out of bed on that lazy sunday and flipped on the tv. The news. I didn't even bother to watch and immediately changed channels. The news did nothing to me. People who have lived their life like I did become immune to robberies, murderers and rapists on the loose. But the news was on the next channel as well. Annoyed I flipped channels again and again, it was the news, albeit with different reporters, that I saw. At that moment I first realised something big had happened. And the thought that the world had dramatically changed while I was sleeping in was a strange one. There hasn't been a day as such, for as far as I can remember, that I hadn't been involved in it, somehow. So I slowly sat down and prepared myself for the feeling of helplessness that the inhabitants of the colonies and earth must have felt when newsstations were reporting live on Gundam battles.

'At four am this morning,' the handsome, female newsreporter said, holding a microphone to her lips 'The Interspace Travel Control lost sight of shuttle 5402, which had just enterred the L2 district. Who knew that the short flight from L1 spaceport B, to L2's main spaceport, would end in such a tragedy?'

I focussed on the background. She was standing outside L2's main spaceport. People were mobbing outside the entrance. Some people were crying, most were just looking up with shocked expressions. I knew the area well and knew they were looking at the large television screen, suspended just above the main entrance, but unfortunately it was out of the camera's line of sight and I had no idea what was so captivating and shocking, though I had my suspsicions. Terrorists, I thought, or maybe another loon trying to start a third inter colonial war.

'For hours on end they have been trying to get back into radiocontact with the shuttle while precautionary search parties were sent out.' The pretty lady continued, raising her voice so she could be heard above the loud noise of the mob. 'Finally, the shuttle was found.' Her voice was sad and her eyes filled with remorse. 'At seven fourtyfour the second search party made contact with the headquarters of the Interspace Travel Control reporting they had found the lost shuttle. But there wasn't much left of it.' The image changed to a blurry, pixilized, picture of what seemed like regular post war space debris that has been littering the L2 area ever since the first war. Remains of mobiles suits and spacecrafts. But then a next picture was shown, more clear and taken closer to the objects. The rubble could be easily identified as the remains of a commercial space shuttle.

My breath hitched. The next picture was one of the tailpeace, with the number and code of the model still legiable. Mobel A40, an intercolonial shuttle, not suited for penetrating Earths unforgiving atmosphere, but perfect for intercolonial travel. Those shuttles were large enough to carry three hundred people...

'The ITC published the passenger list only an hour ago.' She paused before she dreadfully announced: 'The shuttle was carrying nearly it's full capacity. 292 lives... were lost.'

It felt like the war all over again. But now it was even worse, now I couldn't get to my Gundam and avenge the lost lives by killing off some OZ pawns.

The reporter was silent for a while as more footage was shown of the spacecraft and the people outside the L1 and L2 spaceports, then she continued with a stronger tone of voice: 'The people immediately demanded an explanation and a lot of fingerpointing has already been done. L1 blames L2, L2 blames L1. Currently The ITC is still investigating the matter and exploring the possibility of sabotage and a terrorist attack, but at this time their unofficial conclusion is that the shuttle flew into some of the debris that has been making the L2 space area a hazzardess place to fly, ever since the first war.' She explained further, along with some images of the war, fighting mobile suits, I even caught a shot of my own Gundam: 'During the war a lot of mobile suits were destroyed in space, but the wreckages didn't just disappear. Shortly after the war the debris could be found near all the colonies where the battles took place but most of the colonies, L1, L3, L4 and L5 had the financial means of organising clean up crews, however L2, with it's less than profitable economy has been unable to clean up the debris in their area and no one rose to the challenge. So far this has only caused relatively minor accidents so there was never really a pressing need to invest what little money L2 has in an expensive cleaning crew from L1, since there isn't even a company present on L2 that is up for the job. However, senator Sexton of the L2 colony must be wishing he did right now because if ITC's present conclusion turns out to be true, they could be facing a lawsuit more expensive than ANY clean up crew. This is Kerry van de Kamp, reporting live from L2, sector five, district three, spaceport.' //

I squint my eyes, but they don't betray me. In the middle of my beloved property stands a lone figure, their back turned towards me. Scanning the fence surrounding it I notices one had been pushed back a bit, creating an opening just wide enough for a person to slip through. Feeling a little violated I slipped through the small opening myself. My worn leather jacket got caught on the steel wire and I ripped it in my effort to get loose. My haze of happiness was quickly fading. I follow the footprints in the sand all the way up to the figure, who must have known I was coming – I was grumbling about my ruined jacket all the way – but still refused to face me. Whatever happened to courtesy? Wait, I must remind myself, this is L2 I'm on.

Suddenly it dawns to me that what I have done could easily turn out to be very dangerous. I've just walked up to a complete stranger with my guard down. What if he or she, I couldn't really tell, the hair was short and the jacket revealed no definitively male or female figure, suddenly pulled a knife, or worse, a gun, and decided this was just a beautiful day to off an unexpecting long haired idiot?

// _'Baka.'_ //

'Excuse me?' I speak up agitated. 'Can't you read? You shouldn't be here.'

'And neither should you.' The figure said, the voice was gravelly but there was no doubt I was dealing with a woman, the wind roughly pulling on her short dark blue hair and the loose ends of her jacket. 'But here we both are.' She turns to face me with a big, warm smile.

And I smile back.

'Long time no see.' She says, the smile broadens.

'Hilde...' I breathe. Before I even know what I'm doing I close the distance between us and pull her into a shaky hug. It felt so good to be in her presence. She was so strong and this in turn gave me strength almost like... like...

// _'I love you.'_ //

'I can't believe it, what are you doing here in this hellhole?' I pull back but keep my hands on her shoulders. I might be holding onto her too tightly, but she didn't complain so I didn't loosen my grip.

'Looking for you ofcourse.' Hilde spoke matter-of-factly with that brilliant smile of hers.

I try to laugh, because it was funny, but all that comes out of my throat is an awkward chuckle, this may take some practise. 'Well, than a hellhole would be a good place to start.'

Hilde laughs at my joke. There is nothing awkward about her laughter, she does it with an ease I immediately envy.

'I've missed you.' I pulled her into another hug.

She wraps her arms around my broad shoulder and squeezes me tight, pressing me against her so close I can feel both our hearts racing in unison.

'How did you find me?' I ask in disbelief.

'You were on my doormat! I saw your picture in the paper with your plan to open a scrapyard. All this time I had been wondering where you were and you turn out to be right here on L2!'

I was sorta sad to hear she lived here too, she deserved better than that.

'I didn't know your home adress so I came here.' She released me and looks around a bit awed. 'Big dreams you have.'

'Costly dreams I have.' I correct her, sounding more lighthearted than it made feel. I followed her gaze and looked around myself. A mixture of pride and happiness with a hint of worry. How could I ever afford the next step?

'Well that's what you have me for... partner.' //

// **AC 205, january 1**

Some nights a year are meant to be filled with joy and laughter, love and friendship, fidelity and comfort. Newyears eve was one of those night where people were just – sometimes without any reason – happy. On Newsyears eve everyone _finds_ a way to be happy.

And so did I.

'I love you, you know that?' I slur and loosely wrap my arms around the person sitting next to me, I can't even say with certainty who it is. I feel weak and lightheaded, but mostly I feel free of worry and that's all I ever wanted.

Without much difficulty my captive swats away my spaghetti like arms and she says strictly, but with an underlying tone of mirt: 'You're drunk.'

I laugh. 'Ding ding ding we have a winner...' I rest my head on the cool, glass surface of the bar and moan in pleasure. I've never been drunk before in my life, that much I remember, however, had I known from the beginning it was going to be like this, I would have gotten drunk much sooner in my life. I frown, how old was I? 'What year is it again?'

She sighs and crosses her leg as she sits perched on the barstool. As her legs cross her foot comes into contact with my shin and it's sending shivers through my body. 'It's been AC 205 for the past three hours.'

She sounds annoyed, but sober... or I'm just _sooooooo_ drunk I can't even tell.

'Happy New Year.' I whispered, tired all of a sudden, my head still resting on the bar, my shoulders hunched, my eyes closed.

'... Happy New Year.'

'I love you, ya know?' yawn.

'... I love you too.'

I turn my head to grant the other side of my face contact with the cool bar. 'Ahhh...'

We are approached by the bartender who proceeds to talk to my escort in a quiet tone of voice, but loud enough for her to hear him over the music. What he didn't know was that this was an ex-gundam-pilot they were gossiping about, so I heard every word they said. However, understanding those words was something far more complicated. Too complicated.

'He's really drunk, I suggest you take him home, before he starts to be a bother.'

I had no idea what he just said, his sentence was too long for me to understand and he spoke too quickly for my brain to register his words.

He leaves.

Next thing I know there are two hands on my shoulders, giving them a soft squeeze. 'Let's go Duo, the party is over.'

'What are you talking about? The party is just starting!' I say, but I give no resitance when I am pulled out of my seat and tugged out of the club.

'I'm cold...' I complain.

'Yeah, me too.' Is the matter-of-factly spoken response.

She all but pushes me into her car. Or atleast, I assume it's her car we're stepping into. For all I know this car is stolen. For all I know she is kidnapping me. _Is it even a 'she'?_ I wonder. Whatever he or she was doing, whatever what was being done, I was oblivious to all of it, I fell asleep as soon as my butt fell into the chair, not even the slamming of the door awoke me.

Whether the ride was long or short I don't know. But when I was awoken by hands shaking me roughly and a voice calling out to me, calling out my name I assume though I'm not even sure I remember what it is, I was looking at someone. His or her face was so close to mine my eyes couldn't focus.

Finally, after some quiet moments in which all I heard was our breaths, mingling in the cold air, the invader of my personal space pulled back and me pulled me along, out of the car and into the chill. Bewildered I look around. 'This isn't sector 58...' I state dumbly.

'No, it isn't.' The cardoor behind me is shut, all the while one of the hands never leave my body, resting on my shoulder giving a little physical as well as mental support.

I look up at the tall apartment building in front of me. 'This isn't my place...'

'No.'

I am pushed towards the double door entrance, all the way inside, through the lobby, into the elavator. Amazed I stand in the small cubicle. _This building has an elavator! My building doesn't have an elavator... This is definitely not my building. But... perhaps... No, I wouldn have noticed if they installed an elavator... the constructionworkers would have been a dead give-away._

I am being looked at, quite intently, I could feel that, but I didn't respond to the prying gaze glued to my being, though I silently wondered what in the world could possibly be so interesting about me.

I look to my side with wide eyes, blank face and slightly open mouth. I get a warm smile in return and the figure – I'm still a bit hazy about the _'who'_ – steps in closer, so close I could feel the warmth eminating from the body.

The elavator comes to an abrupt halt on the sixth floor and I am pushed out into the hallway. We pas one door, two doors, three doors, four doors, at the fifth we stop. I hear keys rattling, a lock being turned, but I'm barely awake.

A chuckle, sweet and innocent, but playful and coy. 'Come on in.'

The invitation seemed redundant since I wasn't given a choice. Hands are pressed against my chest and the fingers twist and take a tight hold of my jacket. With a short, powerful tug I am pulled into the apartment, stumbling in.

Dizziness attacks me and my kidnapper must have noticed for he or she guides me to the couch and pushes me down onto it. For a moment I am left alone. A few feet away from the couch I occupied I could hear the door being closed, then I am approached once more and a voice speaks up with the hint of a playful grin: 'Let's get you into bed.'

'Yesssss...' I moan and with my eyes closed I blindly search around for the figure, I find his or her hands and feel myself being lifted off the couched and then guided through the apartment, presumebly towards the bedroom.

Soon I'm down on my back again, this time though I am joined by the figure who starts to peel my clothes off. I'm excited about the prospect of sleep and so, to show my contentment, I make soft sounds of grateful pleasure. However, as I did this, the objective of my 'kidnapper' seemed to change and his (or her) touches grew more bold and involved more and more flesh instead of clothing. In the end he seemed to have grown so impatient that my button-up shirt, the last barrier between me and total nudity, is ripped open, the buttons flying in every direction. I start to return the kisses and the touches with a similar fervor.

'Shit!' I exclaim when I find it is no longer the prospect of sleep that excites me... and it shows. //

// **AC 204, december 31**

'Yes, of course I understand, however I am certain that there is no reason for your concern.'

'...'

'Yes, I am aware of that, very much so, since you've told me three times already in this single conversation-'

'...'

'I wasn't raising my voice I was merely trying to-'

'...'

'Will you please not interrupt me?'

'...'

'No, wait! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please, is there any way, _any_ way for me to make you change your mind?'

'...'

'Please sir, I know we can do it, have some faith.'

'...'

'I need this contract sir, please, _please_.'

Hilde walks into my office, her mouth is already wide open, she wants to say something but I shush her by bringing my index finger to my lips. I don't make eyecontact, I can't look at her right now. I continue my phone conversation while I notice Hilde takes a quiet seat on the edge of my desk, like she always does (only then she is never quiet).

'No, I _know_ begging won't help that's not what I-'

'...'

'Then tell me what _will_ help!'

'...'

'Please sir, don't hang up. Please, reconsider, think of what is best for L2. My team is stand-by ready to-'

'...'

'Please sir... I've invested so much money in this project, my company depends on it!'

'...'

'I wouldn't even _have_ to beg if you weren't such a backstabbing asshole! How can you do this me you son of a bitch, we had a deal!'

'-'

'DAMMIT!' I throw the phone against the wall after hearing the beeping tone from the other end of the line. I've never felt this angry or this betrayed. How could he ruin me like this? Just like that? I needed a moment to fight back the tears before I could raise my had and face Hilde, who was still sitting on my desk, looking at me in concern.

'We just lost the Sexton Contract.' I say breathless.

Her face pales, she starts shaking her head. 'No, no that can't be, he promised...' She pauses. 'He said he was merely behind on paperwork...'

'He changed his mind. He won't sign the contract. He has already approached another clean-up crew. On L1.' I say disgusted with his betrayal.

'He can't just do this, can he?' She rises and starts pacing the room.

I shrug, defeated, I should have known this would happen, now that it has I feel so stupid for falling for it. 'He can do whatever he wants. He hasn't signed anything, all we had was his word and we, no, _I_ should have known that words are not enough. Not worth investing 200.000 dollars in...'

'Oh my God...' She exclaims, she stops dead in her tracks and looks at me.

I nod, I knew what she was thinking. 'Yes. We are now, officially, 400.000 dollars in debt... and counting.' I look out my window, looking out over the yard, looking at the men working there, each of their paychecks adding to our debt. I look at the back corner of the lot where 200.000 dollars worth of equipment was parked, ready to fly out into space and collect the debri.

Hilde composes herself. 'Well, than we better get back to work.' She picks up a stack of papers randomly. 'We have other contracts right? And we can get more contracts!'

'Other contracts?' I snort 'Hilde, our entire company was relying on the Sexton Contract. Without that contract we are ruined.'

'Don't say that!' She yells, pointing her finger at me, the stack of papers falls to the floor, scattering. 'We haven't come this far to just... give up! Okay?! We are both soldiers and soldiers don't quit when things get rough.' She kneels down and gathers the papers. When she rises she slams them on my desk, tilts her hip and places her hands on her sides. 'Now are you coming or what?'

'Coming to what?'

'The new years eve party at the club. All the employees are going.' She looks at her watch. 'It's eight O'clock already, the last shift just ended and the party starts in half an hour.'

I sigh and turn my chair to face the window again. 'I don't really feel like partying.' I hear Hilde stomping towards me. I don't even have time to react. She grabs me by my arms and pulls me out of the chair. When we are both face to face she strictly says to me: 'Now you and I are gonna go to that party and you better enjoy yourself, okay? We're in debt, not _dead_.'

I realise there is no fighting her, there never is. As I follow her out of my office and turn off the lights behind me I wondered how on earth I was ever going to make it through this long night.

When the first pop of firework was heard at midnight, I felt like the entire universe had joined as one to celebrate my failure. //

// **AC 205, February 26**

'To you.' He raised his glass high.

I nod, give him a fake smile and bring my glass up to meet his. 'Yeah...' I bring down my drink and empty the glass in one gulp before signalling the bartender for a refill.

In sitting in a local bar with Mason Marks, one of my employees. Some may find it inappropriate for the boss to hang out with an employee, but they were the only people in my life, other than Hilde, the only people I ever saw, ever talked to. Who else was I supposed to share a drink with but them? So every friday I head down to the bar, with Mason, my tall, muscular, tanned, dark haired clean-up crew team leader.

Today was a thursday though.

A hot thursday. They reported on the news some of the fuses broke at the weather-simulation plant which controls L2's temperature and weathercondition. Unfortunately it got stuck on extremely hot, no wind, no rain. No relief.

Work had been hell. With our tight budget Hilde and I hadn't thought of placing an airconditiong system in the building so this meant we had to loosen up on the dresscode. Still I spent the better part of the day wiping sweat off my brow.

Mason's clothes were as smelly and sweatsoaked as mine. His beige pants clung to his legs and his once white shirt had wet stains of sweat on his chest, on his back and under his arms, still, we went to the bar straight after work, Mason insisted. He even bought me a drink, something we don't usually do.

I'm staring at his chest, quite shamelessly in fact. I just can't keep my eyes off it. I'm not attracted to him or anything it's just... maybe it's jealousy or feeling threatened because I look less like a man than him. It's ridiculous I know, but feelings don't have to make sense.

Mason chuckles. 'Aren't you gonna drink that?'

I look where he points, my new drink. How long had I been staring at him? With an awkward smile I take hold of the glass and empty it in another single big gulp.

His smile broadens and he shifts a bit in his seat, shifting closer towards me if I'm not mistaken. 'Now tell me, how old are you?'

His question takes me aback. He has never asked any questions before. Usually all we do is share a drink or two in silence, or talk about the weather that is never quite right. Mason has been working for me since the opening of the company, nearly four years, yet I knew no more of him than what I read in his resume the day he handed it to me. Name: Mason Marius Marks. Gender: Male. Date of Birth: Jan 29 AC 176. Education: L2 National College of Technology. Work experience: Team leader clean up crew at 'L3 Clear-Space'.

What did he know of me? My name, my profession, my appearence and that I like my coffee black and prefer wodka over whisky.

I empty the third drink the bartender has given me – without me even asking for a refill - and then say with a little pride: 'AC 180.' Perhaps it made me feel more like a man to declare to him that in my shorter span of life I've attained myself a higher function than he did.

He seems more surprised than impressed. 'So you're only twentyfive?'

I smirk. 'How old did your estimate me?'

Mason shrugs 'At least thirty.'

Suddenly I'm offended so I look away and hope that will end the conversation.

'You were born on L2?'

I nod, not quite sure why I was handing out information about myself so freely. 'Born and raised. What about you?'

He shrugs again. 'Born on L4. Moved to L3 with my parents when I was ten. Came here five years ago. Hope to be on L1 some day soon.'

I chuckle bitterly. I don't say it, because I'm certain he knows, but the odds of someone not L1 born ever living there and working there were astronomical. They were very careful about who they let in their precious space gem and they had a particular aversion to people from L2.

'What are your dreams?'

My turn to shrug. 'I don't have any dreams. I'm very careful when it comes to dreaming, I don't want to get up in the morning regretting that I ever woke up.' The fifth drink goes down my throat I'm already feeling the affects but atleast the chilled drinks cool me from inside out.

'That very deep.' He bring his drink – I don't know how many he's had – to his lips and takes a sip. He sips till the glass is empty and then places it on the bar. He shifts on his barstool again so that his knee is rubbing against mine. At first I thought it was accidental, I responded with an involuntary shiver, but when he continues I realise he is doing it on porpose.

The contact is making my temperature rise even further but strangely I didn't mind, I enjoyed it. We stare into each others eyes as he keeps moving his leg from left to right, his knee rubbing mine. Mason is smirking, I'm just staring at his magnificant face in awe, enjoying the strange stimulation and the unexpected awakening of my sexuality.

Suddenly his movements stop and he gets out of his seat. 'I'm gonna go to the bathroom, fresh up a bit, it's too goddamn hot in here.'

Disappointed I sag a bit in my seat.

Mason continues: 'You look hot too, why won't you join me?'

I realise very well he was inviting me to the bathroom for more than just splashing some cool water in our faces. I also realise I wanted whatever it was he was offering, even if it was wrong, or meaningless, or even painful. I wanted it. So I followed him into the restrooms. No one else was there, it was early so the bar wasn't really crowded, it never is actually.

Mason turns rough with me and pushes me into one of the unsanitary stalls, slamming my face and chest into the wall but I welcomed the pain. He steps in himself and locks the stall door behind him. He come to stand behind me and starts tugging at my jeans.

I realise that he plans to be top and though I don't like to be bottom – this I found out a few years ago during one of the rare occasions that I was having intercourse with another man - I make no objections. Being bottom with another male still beat being top with a woman.

But I wasn't gay. I'm not attracted to any of those guys. Not even Mason, with his perfect body and skilled fingers. I just like the roughness, the speed and the intensity that comes with having sex with a man, top or bottom. The reassurance that I can be rough and hard and fast knowing this will not break them, they will not mind. In fact, they will enjoy it. Women tend to make the sex too heavy, too emotional and I can't stand that. I can't enjoy that because for me, sex has no meaning other than satisfying the body, stilling the hunger all men feel. The hunger God equipped us with to insure reproduction of our species. However, it is up to us as individuals who we prey apon.

My jeans are bunched up at my ankles, my legs are spread, Mason is behind me, sweaty, moving hard and fast, panting loudly. I reach up and take hold of the top edge of the stall wall with rattles and moves along with us.

It's over in a flash. Maybe it's the heat, or maybe we've had this lust for each other ever since we met and now finally we can unleash it in all it's fury. Whatever the reason it was over quickly with two strangled moans, both of us being careful not to call out the other's name.

'Ahhh yes...' Mason says and finally pulls his large body back and leans against the opposite wall, allowing relatively cool air to reach my sweating, hot body again. He smirks. 'God you're good.'

I hoist my pants back up and zip it up. I look up at him. 'I am engaged.' I remind him.

He smirks. 'I am already married.' He shrugs.

'How long?'

He shrugs again. 'Too long.'

'And how long have you been screwing around on the side?'

He chuckles. 'Since before I even met her.'

It saddens me to hear about the fate that awaits me as well.

He reaches out his hand and takes hold of my chin, lifting my face up to make my eyes meet his. 'Seedy restroom stalls and dark alleys are the only place for same sex 'love'. Out there, in the daylight, we all gotta fit the profile if we ever want... more. Because Duo, I know now you are not a dreamer, but even a realist like you must know that there is 'more' than what can be found here.'

He's right. L2 is very unfriendly towards homosexuals. They are outcasts, pariahs and they are silently murdered and no police chief ever looked twice at the case file. Up on L2, people that don't fit the profile... just disappear.

I wasn't about to risk disappearing myself.

'I still need a best man for tomorrow... You interested?'

Mason smiles and gives my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. 'Sure.'//

// **AC 205, September 3**

'Yes misses Maxwell, keep going! Push! Push!'

'I can see the head now!'

'AAHHH!!!'

'Push!'

'Come on honey.'

'SHUT UP DUO!' She squeezes my hand tightly, so tight it hurts, but I don't complain. How could I possibly complain about a little pain in my hand while she has been in labour for the past seven, painful, hours?

'You're doing great misses Maxwell.' A nurse spoke, she stood next to the docter, who was standing in between my wife's legs. She was rubbing Hilde's bare leg in soothing circles but obviously it did nothing to eleviate her pain.

The docter smiles. 'The heads out. Come on, only two or three more pushes. You can do this!'

'AAHH!!'

I try to soothe her, I run my hand through her hair but she turns her head and screams: 'I HATE YOU DUO, I HATE YOU!!!'

The nurse to the docters left gives me a look but says nothing, neither do I. I remove my hand from Hilde's hair and just endure it silently. All of a sudden, Hilde's screams turn into harsh pants and a baby starts crying. Before I can respond to the change a small, bloodied, pink, wrinkly body is placed apon Hilde's heaving chest, the unbillical cord still attached. Our baby.

'A baby girl.' The docter announces and reaches for a pair of sciccors.

Our daughter.

No words could ever describe what I'm feeling. For a moment everything seems right in the world, no worries exist, no else exists but me, my baby girl and my wife and for a moment I dare to believe we are a happy little family. For a moment the pessimist, the realist, inside of me does not point out that has never been and never will be. Yes, for a moment, a moment so short, so fragile, I am happy.

'Would you like to do the honours?'

The docters words pull me out of my trance. I look at him, he is holding the sciccors out to me with a smile, he wants me to cut the cord. With shaky hands I take the sciccors. The nurse holds the cord up for me and shows me where to cut. I position the sciccors and squeeze the ends together, I'm suprised at how difficult this is. Suddenly I feel like I am violating a very special bond between mother and daughter, but I don't stop, because I know there is no need for this physical bond. Mother and daughter are tied by blood and unconditional love. With that in mind I press on. The cord is cut.

I hand the sciccors back to the docter and then look at our baby, just as she is being picked up by the nurse to be cleaned and clothed.

Hilde is still lying motionless in the bed, her eyes are clothes her panting is slowly growing softer. Once more I place my hand on her sweaty head. I smile at her. 'You did great.'

'Shut up.' She whispers, her voice hoarse from screaming.

The moment is gone and I remember what reality is like. Hilde and I are not in love, not even our friendship, which I have always thought to be strong and loving, has survived these past nine months. We've become enemies. What makes it worse is that we now share a house, a bed, a life, a responsibility. And we will share it for the rest of our days because we both had to fit the profile...//

// **AC 205, january 30**

I'm sitting at my desk, in my office, in my office building, staring at my computer screen, my hands dangling above the keyboard, fingers brushing the keys, but I'm not typing. Of course I am not typing, that would be downright stupid. The computer wasn't even on. The lights weren't either, but that was okay, I had no appointments. All I needed right now was to be left alone in the only place I was ever able to take pride of.

Who grows up wanting to become owner of a scrapyard? Not many people I'm sure. And it would be a lie to say that I did, but it was my responsibility to clean up the mess I have made during the war. I made more mess than I could ever hope to clean up, I know, but I had to start somewhere and the debri circling the colony seemed like a good place to start. _Owner of a scrapyard..._ Have you ever heard of such a stupid dream? Such a stupid wish? I didn't ask to be rich. I didn't ask to be famous. I didn't even ask to live long, healthy and happily. All I asked for was to be given the chance to undo my mistakes of the past, but it seems like God can't even grant me that much.

Instead, mistakes just keep piling up and I am suffocating under their weight. There's no air.

There's no escape.

Everytime the alarm goes off there's that same disappointed acknowledment of another long day, of another long week, of another long year.

Einstein's relativity theory.

A vicious circle that's what it is.

'Duo, what are you doing here?'

I look up with my tired eyes to see Hilde standing in the doorway of my office. She isn't dressed for work. She is wearing a thin, loose, white cotton dress that reaches her knees. Her hair is all over the place, like she didn't even comb it this morning. Her eyes are red rimmed, her freckles are showing as is the rosy hue of her cheeks, forehead and chin. I realise this may be the first time I've ever seen her without make-up on.

I shrug, I couldn't really explain why I was here.

'It's sunday.' She continues.

_I know._

She steps in and softly closes the door behind her, as if she would disturb someone if she did it even a little bit louder. She walks over and sits down on the edge of my desk. She always does that. I hate that she does that. The desk is starting to wear and it reminds me of what a slutty secretary would do in a low budget porn movie.

'Duo you can't run from me forever.'

Over the course of my life I have become pretty succesful at running, so I might as well try.

'We have to talk.' She 'draws' meaningless patterns on the surface of the desk with her white indexfinger.

The emotions well up so when I speak up, my voice, much to my dismay, cracks. '... did you get tested?'

'Hmhm.'

'And...?'

'The situation hasn't changed.'

I feared it hadn't. 'I just can't believe it... we were safe... weren't we? I mean... Oh God.' I bury my face in my hands and mumble: 'I honestly can't even remember.'

'Duo?'

I look up at her, wishing for her to have the solution to this problem, but deep down I knew she hadn't. Neither of us had.

'Marry me.' She says. I couldn't tell if it was a question or a demand.

I swallow loudly. 'You know I can't.'

'But Duo-'

'You _know_ I can't. I told you I-' I stop myself, saying it once out loud had been painful enough. She knew what I was talking about, there was no need for me to repeat it.

'Duo you _have_ to marry me.' She says with firmer voice. 'Before it shows! I promised my parents I wouldn't have sex before marriage!'

'Let's leave your parents out of this, okay? The situation is complicated enough as it is.'

'I don't see what's so complicated about it? I love you, you love me. We get along great. We have a business together. We have a,' she places her hand on her flat stomach, 'baby together...' She tells the story more romantically than it is.

'First of all, we love each other as _friends_. Second: we fight all the time, we are two completely different people and we haven't spend that much time together outside of work. Third: We have a _bankrupt_ business together and have huge debts, not the kind of evironment you want to bring a baby into. And last: that baby... was a mistake. We were drunk. I was depressed. I don't even remember most of that night! I just don't think getting married is the right thing to do. It won't fix everything.' I said in hopes of convincing her.

Her face turns as hard and cold as stone. ' 'The right thing to do'? What do you know about doing the 'right thing'? Does the right thing mean using your best friend for sexual gratification to you? Or leaving him after the first war without so much as a goodbye? Or showing up on his doorstep just before the second war and fucking some more with his head and with his feelings? Or leaving him behind a _second_ time around while he was gravely injured and comatose?! Or do you think that telling the docs to pull his plug was 'the right thing to do'?!' She rises and places her hands on her hips like she always did when she was about to give the final blow in a discussion. 'Let's face it Duo,' she started, 'You can't do 'right things'!' She spat venomously. 'That's why you won't marry me. Because you think only about yourself!' She stomps, turns on her heels and leaves with a wet, red face.

I remain seated in my chair. Shaken to the core. My face equally red. Equally wet.

I've always said I wanted to fix the mistakes I had made and if she was so determined this was the way to fix _this_ mistake, than I had no right to say she was wrong, did I? After all, I had no solution, let alone a better one. So what else could I have done but run after her and get down on my knees before her?

**You like?**

**Love,**

**Crimson.**

**PS: Yes it's a miracle, I've reread the chapter today at school (03-03-08, only a day after posting!), one of the teachers was sick, and took out the errors. I can't guarantee it's now spelling error and typo free but at least I have managed to make some serious improvements. I'm sorta proud of myself :)**


	22. Chapter 22

**Snowdragonct: Thanks for your review, I totally agree (duh, why elese would I have written the story the way I did). In the anime Duo's character is a bit more sturdy than I have portrayed him in Adopting Duo, but I find that this 'sturdiness' isn't very realistic after all he's been through. I hope you will enjoy this update!**

**Toni: hahahaha, when I read your review I suddenly had the vision of Duo sitting in a little rowing boat drifting in the middle of the Nile ;) In this chapter Duo explains why he believes he's not gay and it's sorta lame, but in a sweet way ;)**

**Shadowalchemist198: Yeah, I really have to work on my grammar, spelling and laziness, however I still hope you will be able to enjoy. Thanks for your review, I'm glad your liked the previous chapter. **

**Zuzanny: I'm not getting into this is the story so I might as well say this to you 'personally': No, they don't ;) They're not that evil. Well, Relena may be ;) But no, they aren't responsible for Sexton pulling out. I hope you like the chapter even though it left you wondering, thanks for asking, I hope knowing this will ease your mind ;)**

**DragonRaye: Wow, thank you! I'm really flattered that you like it this much. I'm happy it's coming to an end though, though I still enjoy writing this story I will enjoy it even more when it's finished. This however doesn't stop me from planning a sequal to it which will reveal what happens after this storyline and will also reveal more about the relationship and history of Heero and Ben ;) Thank you very much for reviewing, I hope you will enjoy this update :)**

**I was able to update a bit sooner than expected, luckily, because I'm eager to reach the ending of this fic. But no worries, I still enjoy writing it and have every intention of FULLY finishing it and not leaving it 'discontinued' like my other stories. Sorry for that btw, but any writer who has suffered a serious writersblock will understand I think ;)**

ADOPTING DUO 

**Chapter twentyone**

A bottle of wine stood opened on the table in between the two seats in a corner of my bedroom. I had poured myself a glass, but left it untouched. A part of me wanted to drink but at the same time another part of me didn't. I was waiting for the moment when I could conclusively say which part was overpowering. So far both were equal in strength and so it would be a battle only won by endurance.

The part of me that wanted to drink was the weak part of me. The part that could not resist temptation. The part that couldn't handle the pressure. The part that has had the upper-hand for many years and has more or less shaped my life into what is has become. It's a part of me I can't trust and shouldn't turn to but unfortunately that had become like second nature to me. Resisting it's command proved to be hard.

The other part of me was strong and dignified. It was the part I don't show very often. The part that people have begun to miss. The part that has become nearly non-existant.

I hadn't even decided if I was going to pick the lock on the liquor cabinet again. I didn't even realise I had till I found myself uncorking a bottle. The sound of it seemded to snap me back into reality, seemed to awaken me and with the cork in my hand, the strong scent of the red wine filling the room, I asked myself: 'Is it worth it?'

Is it worth throwing away all that I have accomplished in the past weeks? Is it worth wasting every time I was able to resist? Once I started, could I stop again? Had I ever truly 'stopped' to begin with?

Is the blissfully ignorant haze of alcohol worth the pain of the mornig after?

I stared at the bottle and thought back of all the other times I had opened one – so often I could uncork and unscrew with ease, without even giving it any thought, the motion of my hands had become instinctive – and I thought of how I felt those times when I watched the content of one bottle after another diminish. Freedom. That's what I felt. Freedom of the heart, freedom of the soul. No pain existed, no thoughts existed, no people existed. The world was dark and empty and strange but that was okay, because it didn't hurt. That world didn't hurt me like the 'real world' did.

I also remembered how much trouble it had caused. Bankrupcy, debt, death. It had ruined my life but I hadn't been able to stop before it was too late, because I got trapped in a viscious circle. I had problems which caused my drinking, my drinking caused problems, to forget these problems I drank more, which created more problems, which in turn were also drowned by more alcohol and more and more and more till finally I couldn't do without, because as soon as it had passed through my system, I started to feel again. Feelings I could no longer handle, after having ignored them for so long. So I'd drink more. To ensure I wouldn't feel. To ensure I wouldn't get hurt.

But now I know I was only postponing the pain. It had been stupid and naive of me to think that as long as I didn't think about my problems, they would just disspate, disappear into nothingness and then everything would be alright again. Things like that don't happen unless you make them. I had to start making things happen again, get back the control over my life, taking the reigns away from alcohol, away from my pain and away from the people that meant well, but just had no idea what was right for me.

I stared at the bottle and the bottle seemed to stare back. It was a challenge I needed to face head on. Before I could return to L2 and be on my own again, I had to know. I had to know if I had grown strong enough, or maybe just sensible enough to resist the temptation. Because if I couldn't there was no reason to head back, there would be no reason for me to even keep on living, to keep on trying and keep on hurting myself.

The room darkens as the sun sets but I don't bother to turn on the lights. I turn my head towards the window that reveals a cloudless sky and a bright, white full moon casting an eerie glow across the city and into the room, painting everything is hues of cold blue.

Heero and Ben have yet to return from where ever they went without telling me. When I woke up this morning, both of them, along with Abby, were gone and no note was to be found. I am worried why they left so suddenly and why they didn't even bother to inform me, but at the same time I feel a certain level at gratitude for having the house to myself so I could perform my little experiment in provacy. The last thing I needed was Heero storming into the room and getting the room ideas once he catches sight of the wine and my thoughtful stare at it.

Of course, as fate would always have it, just as I thought this, I vaguely registered the front door opening and a single pair of footsteps stepping in. The footfalls were deliberately soft so I knew instantly it was Heero who had just returned home.

Wisdom would have probably been to hurry and hide the wine bottle and the glass, but then again, I knew that even though I got rid of all the evidence, Heero would find out. He'd notice the liquor cabinet is unlocked and he might even know a bottle is missing. And when I try to hide it, it would make it seem only more suspicious. I would only hide it if I thought I was doing something wrong and I didn't think I was. I was merely searching for answers and the only way to find answers is to ask questions and to research.

Of course all Heero would see was me giving in and this made my heart beat faster and my face grow red, the fear of facing his anger and disappointment, even though he had no right to judge me and had no more right butting into my life than I had into his.

With every footstep I hear coming up the stairway my heartrate goes up a notch till finally I can hear the blood rushing in my ears, a surprisingly loud noise, but as soon as I see the knob turn and the door opens, everything grow quiet.

In the doorway of my dark bedroom stand – as expected – Heero. All I see is his silhouette against the backlight coming from the hallway, so I can't see his face, can't read his expression – if I ever could. He says nothing and this bothers me, I'd rather have him scream and rant for then he would awake anger inside myself, anger that would overpower my guilt.

_But I wasn't doing anything wrong._ I remind myself. _I didn't even take one lousy sip!_ _And what if I had? It's not up to Heero to decide if what I do is right or wrong._ Still, I felt compelled to explain, as he just kept standing in the doorway, staring at me. I could feel his eyes looking straight at me, burning the flesh where his gaze connected with my body.

'It's not what it looks like Heero.' I tell him with unwavering, serious voice. Not seeking for his forgiveness, or understanding, just for his acknowledgement.

Heero doesn't reply. He stands in the doorway for a few more seconds. When he moves, I expected him to leave, but he surprises me by stepping into the dark room and closing the door behind him, cutting off the orange flow of light streaming in, leaving everything blue once more.

'Heero?'

He gave me nothing but silence as he approached me, his footsteps near soundless on the carpeted floor as he stalked closer. I felt a form a fear crawling up my spine, leaving a tingling sensation in the back of my head. Not being able to see Heero's face left me to draw all kinds of insane conclusions, but foremost I expected him to hit me, maybe even beat me up. However, he did no such thing. He altered his course slightly and ended up in the seat next to mine, separated only by the small table.

Despite the darkness I knew he had seen the bottle and the glass. The ray of light coming from the hallway when he had the door open hit it directly, as though God himself meant that to happen, meant Heero to see, made _sure_ he would. And there is nothing any human, not even an ex-gundam pilot, can do against God's will.

I'm not a God-fearing man, somedays go by on which I question his very existence, but whether He is real or not I always did respect him, even though it was only the _idea_ of Him. But there must be a God, and there must be soemthing like 'meant to be' and luck and coincidence. How else do we hope to explain the wrongs in our lives and the succes of those we do not like if not as 'meant to be' and (bad)luck?

Well whether it was God's personal doing, whether it was meant to be, whether it was sheer (bad)luck, or mere coincidence, Heero noticed the bottle. But didn't mention it.

But still, the bottle stood between us like a giant obstacle similar to the fallen Berlin Wall, similiar to the Chinese wall. It separated us by miles and disallowed us to approach, disallowed us to get close, disallowed us to see the other as he was. For with that bottle - symbolosing my drinking problem – in between us, all I saw was an image of Heero distorted by alcohol and anger and all Heero could see were his prejudices of a typical drunk. Neither of us saw an ex-Gundam pilot. Neither of us saw a regular human being. Neither of us saw a good man. Neither of us saw a friend, let alone anything more.

But tonight, this particular bottle would surprise us both, by bringing us closer together.

When Heero reached for the bottle, still nearly full, I expected him to empty it in the sink of the bathroom, or throw it across the room, in spite of what that would do to the carpet. But he did no such thing. He brought the bottle up to his face. It was dark so I wasn't really sure what he was doing. He stilled for a while and I assumed he just looked at it, perhaps reading the label. I hoped he didn't get angry with me for picking such an expensive wine, but the temptation had to be great, otherwise my experiment would have been meaningless.

I squinted my eyes in the darkness to try and see. I could vaguely see his face, a collection of pale shades of blue, his large eyes stood out, reflecting the white light of the moon brilliantly, like the eyes of a cat did in the pitch black darkness. Thanks to the reflective property of glass I could see the bottle as well, as he held it in his hands that were coloured white by a streak of moontlight.

I once again took the opportunity to admire Heero's looks. Never in my life had I come accross anyone, male or female, more attractive than him. Everything was just perfect about him. Not only his body but his entire being, everything about him was captivating. He was pure, devine beauty trapped in a mortal body. This beauty about him I have never denied, but I never believed this made me gay. I never believed sneaking peaks at him as he showered or undressed in my presence without even the tiniest bit of shame that comes natural to any other person when revealing their body to the eyes of others. Neither did I believe sleeping with the occasional man that caught my eye made me gay. Neither did I believe that thinking of Heero's flesh under my touch whilst sharing my bed with a woman made me gay.

And I still believe I'm not gay. Not even while I sit here, staring at him, enjoying the sight of every inch of him, every strand of hair, every pore. Because it's not 'men' in general that leave me feeling this way, warm and longing for this feeling to last forever and forever for I'm not sure my life will be anything more than a mere existance without it. Only Heero does. And this is something I have always known, but never quite had the balls to admit to myself. I can't be defined as heterosexual, nor homosexual, not even as bisexual, for the only person that stirs my sexuality is Heero and I suppose this makes me nothing other – nothing more, nothing less – than heerosexual.

'Heero?' I asked suddenly.

I was stunned to see that he brought the bottle to his lips and then threw his head down, tilting the bottle. I could see the red wine disappearing into his mouth. I could see the movement of his throat as he swallowed gulp after gulp as though his life depended on it. My gaze shifted to his face, now lighted brighter by the moon, his face was white of color, his eyes were closed. His coffe brown hair fell back, even his stubborn bangs, uncovering his forehead and brows. He looked relaxed.

I don't know how long he kept ond rinking like that, but when he straightened up and brought the bottle back down, only one third of the wine remained, the rest had disappeared into his system and surely he would soon start to feel the effects of such a grand amount. He might already feel it. I could see a haze covering his eyes that stared into thin air. I didn't know if it was the lighting or not, but his eyes appeared to be welled up with tears.

Suddenly, his pupils moved and his empty gaze settled on me. Yes, he definitely had tears in his eyes. But his face was stern and he dared me to comment on it the tears or his behaviour.

I didn't. I knew he had to do what he had to do, like me, whether that is drinking the bottle or not drinking the bottle, we both had our reasons.

After giving me a curt nod he looked away and brought the bottle back up to his lips and took a little more modest gulp. This time he didn't throw his head back and he didn't close his eyes. He just stared up ahead as he drank. One gulp after the next.

All I did and all I could do, was watch the wine vanish and that happened in mere minutes.

Seeing him surrendering like this made me feel many things. Sadness, disappointment, anger, even guilt and disgust. I had always thought – always believed – Heero to be stronger than this. Stronger than me. And certainly now, after seeing what has become of me, he should know better. He should know better than engage in this dangerous game of denial and ignorance. Suddenly the thought come to mind it are his very intentions for me to feel this way. That he is doing this only to teach me a lesson. To show me how hard it is to watch someone you care for, someone you love, give up on fighting and give up on healing and just give in, surrender to the numbness, welcoming the ignorance, saying farewell to reality, to life, to secong chances, to hope.

'Heero, stop.' I pleaded with hoarse voice. I felt tears welling up in my own eyes. It pained me to see him like that. It felt like I was watching him become me. And I knew where becoming me would lead him. To nothing. If he surrendered like I had all that awaits him in the morning is nothingness. Not even sunshine, or singing birds will exist once you surrender, only the next drink, the next _fix_. And it's never enough. You never feel numb enough, so you drink more and more till you pass out. And one may think next time you know better, next time you won't let it go that far. And you don't intend to. You never do. You don't intend to drink again. But you do, but you promise to yourself: I won't drink as much as last time. But you do. And then you end up in a coma and when you wake up the only faces you see are the face of an aging docter and a chubby dark haired social worker, for no one else has accompanied you, no else has been waiting for you to awaken. Because awake, asleep, living dead... it no longer matters to people what state you're in.

'Stop!' I rise, reach out and rip the bottle, with only a small sip left, out of his hands. His eyes are half lidded, his eyes glazed over, he's drunk already, probably because he isn't used to it. In a moment of overpowering anger and disgust I hit him across the face, loud enough for the smack to be audible and for my hand to tingle painfully.

What I had forgotten was that Heero, no matter how intoxicated, was the kind of person that hits back.

He kicks me in the stomach so hard I fall backwards, my butt connecting with the floor. I groan. When I open my eyes I see Heero jumping on top of me so I bring my hands up and take hold of his hands before they can reach my throat, which I was certain he was aiming for. The wine has great affect on his strength. I easily roll the both of us over, now he is the one lying on his back on the floor and I have his hands pinned to floor at either side of his head. Heero growls and struggles but all in vain. His resitance weakens till finally he lies completely still on the floor and his eyes slowly fall shut. He breaths loudly, but he's not asleep.

'You're beautiful.' I whisper to him, admiring the way the moonlight hit his face in which the bruise on his cheekbone which I just made is barely visible.

'Shut up Duo.' He breaths, eyes remaining closed. He is half asleep by now, had he not been I'm sure my comment would have evoked more anger and more struggle.

I sigh and release him. He needs to sleep it off. He'd better pray his hangover won't be too bad, but consideriong the amount and the speed at which he drank, I doubt it.

I climb off of him and once I stand I reach doin, take hold of his hands and hoist him up onto his feet, but immediately his knees buckle and he sags down against me, caught just in time by my quick hands. I lift him up and lay him over my shoulder. As light as Heero may be, I'm not as strong as I used to be, above that this day has been long and tiring, emotional as well, I won't make it to the other end of the hallway to his bedroom so I opt for the next best thing. My bed. Only a few feet away.

I walk with hastened steps, before he becomes to heavy. I don't want to drop him. As carefully as possible I lay him down on my bed, his lowerlegs dangling over the edge, thinking he had fallen asleep, but once I back up a little and look down at him, I see his eyes are open and he is staring right back at me.

After long moments of drowing in his infinitely deep and blue eyes I blush at our current position – him lying flat on his back in my bed, with me leaning over him, standing in between his legs – and the feelings coursing through my body. I want to straighten up but weak fingers hook around the collar of my simple T-shirt and he pulls me back down.

I could have resisted the pull of his hand ease, however, I could not resist the look in his eyes that drew me closer and closer till finally I wake up from my little haze and realise our lips have met.

We're not really kissing. Neither of us moved, we just stare into each others eyes, our lips pressed together.

Even though I know he is not completely lucid, I still revel at the touch and the moment., knowing this will keep me warm for many nights to come up on cold L2, when either me or the government can't afford any heating.

We pull back, but even though our mouths are now unoccupied we don't speak.

I try to read the look in his eyes, try to see beyond the haze of alcohol and I search for feelings that are real. Feelings that will still be there when the morning has come and the alcohol has gone. Lust. Longing. Love. This is all I needed to know.

I rush to make our lips meet again, more powerfully and less insecure than before. Immediately I open my mouth, not wanting to waste another second yearning for him, because now I know he can be mine, if only for one evening. I'll take whatever he is willing to offer. Whatever I can get.

He accepts the intensity of the kiss and his hands start to roam.

Acknowledging the urgency we both feel I start unbottong his crisp white shirt that glows in the moonlight and with my fingers I stroke each skin that is revealed as button by button is undone and finally I can push open his shirt to reveal his chest and abdomen that haven't changed one bit. The skin is still creamy, the muscles are still defined.

Suddenly Heero pushes against my chest and forces me to back off a bit. I look at him, waiting for him to speak up, but he struggles with his words, his mouth opens but no sound comes out.

'What is it?' I encourage him.

'I'm not sure I want to do this.'

'Sure you do.' I reply and start kissing him again. When he response favorably to my touches once more I hurriedly take off my own shirt and then pull back, off the bad to quickly take off my pants and then move to rip off his.

For a moment I kneel on the ground, in between his knees and admire the sight of his body washed in moonlight. Now that my shadow is no longer cast on his abdomen I can see the large scar that I had missed during my quick once over when I walked in on him in the bathroom, but I don't look at it twice, because I don't want to be reminded of our pasts, neither of our future. And I didn't worry about Ben coming home to find us in this compromising position either, because neither he, nor our past, nor our future, existed.

I knew what we were doing was wrong, but it felt so good.

So good I couldn't stop.

So good that I didn't.

**I don't know about you but all I have to say is: FINALLY!**

**Love,**

**Crimson.**

**PS: Woeps: Zoals je ziet heb ik m'n dilemma opgelost :) Ik ben zo trots op mezelf! ;) Ik dacht: weet je wat? Duo HOEFT helemaal niet dronken te zijn om sex te hebben met Heero want hij realiseert zich nu dat hij weer/ nog steeds verliefd op 'm is:) Problem solved. Toch bedankt voor je hulp ;) bye bye xxx**


	23. Chapter 23

**Woohoo! Exactly one hundred reviews! Thanks everybody! It's been great getting feedback from all of you! Enjoy the update!**

**Love, **

**Crimson.**

**Snowdragonct: OMG, do you read my mind of something? I was planning on writing a sequel called 'Adopting Heero' ;) I guess that can either mean two things: One: You are phsycic, two: I'm predictable. Why do I get the feeling it's the latter? ;) And you're right. No happiness in sight yet, maybe there will never be (well what did you expect me to say? I gotta keep you wondering, right? ;) ). Thanks for your review!**

**Pikeebo: Just that Duo thinks Heero was teaching him a lesson doesn't mean that that is the case, that's all I'm saying ;) Thanks for your review, I'm guessing you liked? I hope you'll enjoy this update!**

**TKM: I'm not sure it's be happy or not, however I am certain that it will not be 1X2 ;) I'm more of a 2X1 type of girl if you haven't noticed yet ;) Thanks for reviewing!**

**Serenity a.k.a Serena: (goes back to check what happened in chap 16) Oh right, the parkinglot-fight (as I so unoriginally dubbed it). Yeah, I'm pretty content with how that turned out, I thought it was really strong. I'm really glad you liked it. I'll hope you'll catch up and tell me what you think so far :)**

**Shadoalchemist198: Haha, uhm, yeah, I suppose it is kinda weird when you don't understand. I wrote it in dutch, my native language because it was adressed to my friend (also dutch). I kinda got stuck and asked for her advice, though she couldn't really help me I thanked her in the post script for her efforts anyway :) I'm glad to hear you like the story, since you always mention the bad grammar (which you have every right to) I thought you didn't (which is stupid of me to think for why would you be reading if that was the case?) Anyway, like I said, I'm glad you enjoyed the story and I'm PROUD that you could find only one spelling error, I hope I won't do worse this time around. ;) Thanks for your review**

**Nighthawk921: Thank you:)**

**DragonRaye: He does know better, he just can't stop himself cuz he's so head over heels, madly, stupidly in love ;) Thanks for your review, I hope you are still enjoying the story. Oh and PS: prepare to be surprised ;)**

**  
ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter twentytwo**

Warmth.

I felt the comforting warmth of a body lying pressed up against me, the heat seeping out of his skin and into mine and vice versa I imagine. No clothes obstructed the exchange and besides the warmth there was also the silky touch of his skin to mine, everywhere. It's a feeling I've had to do without for a very long time and now, as I enjoyed it so, I wondered how I ever could. No matter how much warmth his body would share with me, it would leave me shivering, as if cold and it could never be warm enough. Never close enough. Never long enough.

Morning had come, after a night that has passed too quickly. It were the sunrays that had broken through the half open curtains that had awoken me, if only half, but not for their lack of effort. One bright ray was particularly annoying and made me scrunch up my face, but it just kept on irritating me.

I fought consciousness with all my might. I didn't want to wake, ever again. I would be completely content if the memory of last night would be the very last I'd have of earth, for surely mortal life had nothing more to offer me. Things could only get worse from here, this I knew for a fact. For mornings after are always worse, no matter how good the previous night had been.

Apparently I was not the only one being tortured back to the land of the living by the relentless rays of light. The source of heat next to me, pressed up against me, arms wrapped around mine, legs wrapped around mine, began to stir. And from the face that rested heavily on my chest, soft chocalate hair tucked under my chin, sounded a soft moan.

He is awake.

I could feel the long eyelashes of his right eye drag across the skin of my chest when his eyes opened. He blinked a few times, then he lay motionless as he assessed the situation.

I feigned sleep, with my eyes still closed and my breathing even, but I was certain that my racing heartbeat would betray me, as he could hear every loud, fast thud, with his ear pressed against my chest, right above my heart. All I could do was hope he wouldn't notice, though I remembered very well he was _the_ Heero Yuy.

That thought only made my heart flutter momentarily, knowing this was not just anybody, not just any Heero, but _the_ Heero. The only Heero that has ever existed to me.

He sighed. His breath passing over my skin sent shivers down my spine, but still I kept on pretending, keeping my eyes closed even though, by now, it must be pretty clear I was wide awake and paying attention to his every move.

Slowly and carefully he began to move, untangling his body from mine, till I could no longer feel the weight of his head on my chest and the warmth of his body by my side. The bed shifted under his weight moving around.

When I was confidant enough to dare a peek I saw he had moved to the other side of the bed, his legs dangling over the edge. He had his face buried in his hands. As he sat hunched forward every muscle and bone of his back was showing under the perfect expanse of golden skin. The sunlight coming in surrounded him and adorned him with a heavenly halo that made him look like an innocent angel.

But he was no innocent angel anymore, not after last night and that must be the thought taunting him right now.

I watched silently as he moved to put on his boxers, which had been carelessly discarded last night. He stands abruptly and walks around the bed, the whole time very intentionally avoiding my gaze as I kept staring at him now that I had given up on feigning sleep. His face was unreadable. A cold, stone mask. I'm sure he could feel my eyes on him, but he ignored me completely. Without ever saying a single word or even acknowledging my presence, he walked out the door to the other end of the hallway. I kept listening till, shortly after, I could hear the shower running.

I had deep regrets for the palpable awkwardness and tension that now stretched between us, like the Atlantic Ocean in between America and Europe. A giant rough ocean filled with feelings from both the distant past as well as the not so distant past. An ocean we were both unwilling to cross in fear of sinking and drowning. But someday we would have to take that risk. I know that. I hope he does too.

However, as selfish as it will make me sound, I had no regrets about last night. Even if it had been purely sexual, purely physical, it still would have been worth it. But it wasn't. There had been more. We both knew it. But I didn't expect either of us to have the courage to bring it up, like neither of us had had during the war.

I wonder where things will go from here. Will history repeat itself and will we grow apart and lose sight of each other once more? I want to stay with him forever and the day after, but I knew that would do neither of us any good. For as right as it felt to be with him, I knew my feelings were just confusing my better judgement. He was married. I am an alcoholic. How could a relationship between the two of us every be right when it had 'wrong' written all over it in big, neon green, capital letters?

I always thought of us as magnet and steel. Drawn to each other for no visible reason and with no way to fight this attraction. But perhaps I had been fooled. Perhaps we were both magnets and now have the wrong (similar) sides turned towards each other, pushing the other away with an invisible shield.

I had to know if someday we would turn again. If one day the right sides would be facing each other. If one day, some day, the timing would be right and everything would just add up. I had to know if it would be worth my while to wait for such a time to come. To _live_ for such a time come.

And there was only one way to find out.

Heero had long exited the shower and I had heard him go downstairs. Ben hadn't come back last night, which was for the better, so this left me with the perfect opportunity to get some answers out of Heero. To listen and to be heard.

Determined I get dressed, my boxers from last night, a pair of sweatpants and a plain T-shirt, and I head downstairs. My heart beating wildly, my palms clammy. I hate being nervous.

Edie greets me with her usual enthusiasm. I curse her for ruining the element of surprise I had, but then I remembered this wasn't the war and we weren't fifteen anymore. We were adults and there was no need for me to ambush and corner him. Or so I hoped. Though I expected the conversation to have several similarities with one on one combat.

I pet the dog a few times and then manage to free myself. As I walk towards the kitchen I could hear her following me, her nails scratching the floor, her golden, feathery tail wagging.

As suspected Heero was to be found sitting at the dinner table in the kitchen. His back towards the entry. When I walked around him to the source of the strong scent of coffee and poured myself a cup, I took notice of the fact that he was sipping the hot brew himself as he silently stared into nothing, no newspaper this morning. He had a little frown on his head, not one of deep thought, but one of slight pain. The annoying throbbing of the head I imagine, which I knew so well.

I lean against the kitchen counter and give him the opportunity to take the lead in the conversation I was determined to have with him. And I knew he could feel my determination. I also knew he resented it.

He doesn't take the opportunity offered to him, so I start instead. After taking a large sip of coffee, as if that would make this any easier, and taking in a deep breath, as if that would, I opened my mouth. 'I have some things to say and I don't want you to respond till I'm done, okay?'

He doesn't look up at me, just stares at his coffee.

I take his silence as a 'yes'.

'You are the most stubborn, controlling and narcistic person I have ever met, for blaming _me_ about making a certain decision that you had entrusted me with. You should have only written in your will that the decision to pull your plug was to be mine if you would be able to accept whatever choice it would be that I would make. But you didn't. And: I had based my decision on two facts. One, the docter said the chance of you waking up was next to nothing. If - on the off chance - you did, he regarded it as impossible for you to live a normal, human worthy life. Two: You had made a serious suicide attempt. You wanted to die. So, no matter how hard it was for me, I knew I had to do it, because that's what you wanted me most to do, that's what you asked of me and what kind of friend would I have been had I denied your last request? You should have taken this into consideration before blaming me of your coma and the difficulties afterwards. But you didn't. But Heero, if there is one thing I found out these last months it's that you are difficult to love, but even more difficult to hate. I just can't stop myself from... I just... I love you!' I exclaimed, raising my voice for he was giving me nothing. No facial expressions or any other indications that he even heard me.

'Goddammit Heero!' I slammed my fists onto the dinnertable that shook under the force. 'I said I love you!' My words were just hanging in the air, uanswered and it was killing me!

He ignored my last outburst and finally looked me in the eyes. 'I don't blame you for pulling my plug. I don't even blame you for leaving me after the wars. I blame you for making me unable to stop loving you and I blame you for your poor timing. I mean, why did it take you so long to figure it out? To realise you love me and that I love you. Now I'm married and...' He sighs. 'Now just just expect me that because you've seen the light I can go back to feeling the way I did back in the war. When I told you repeatedly that I loved you but you never said anything back!'

'Heero, I'm not asking anything of you but _answers_?! Do you blame me for disappearing after the wars?'

'No. Not blame. Just disappointment.'

'Do you blame me for pulling the plug?'

'No.'

'Do you love me? _Really_ love me?'

He was about to respond but when he open his mouth a sound is heard that any human is uncapable of making. It was the sound of the front door opening and someone stepping into the house. A bit of an unsure 'Hello?' resounded through the hallway.

Edie rushed out of the kitchen towards the figure in the hall where she was entertained for a while till the guest started to move in the direction of the kitchen, his heels clicking.

Soon to be standing in the doorway to the kitchen was Ben and his presence immediately explained where he had been all day yesterday and all night. His dark blue pilot's uniform – the cap tucked under his arm - made him look even taller, his shoulders even broader and all in all: made him look more perfect. _Pilot Ken_. He had a fake smile on his face as he greeted us, he immediately took note of the tension that filled up the entire room, thinning out the air making the atmosphere uncomfortable and suffocating. His face turned into that of someone very concerned. 'What's going on?' He stepped forward and stood next to Heero, who was refusing to look at him. Ben placed his cap on the surface of the table and leaned forward. Heero only turned away his head further. He shot me a concerned - surprisingly not an accusing – look and then turned back to Heero. 'Heero?' He took hold of Heero's chin and made the Asian man face him.

Ben froze when his eyes fell apon Heero's black and blue cheek. It didn't take him long to know who was responsible.

I had expected that the conversation of this morning would be very much like one on one combat. However I did not expect I would have to engage in _actual_ one on one combat. But Ben left me no option as he immediately stomped towards me and lashed out at me. I was quick to duck and heard his hand connected with one of the wooden kitchen cabinets. Something cracked, I wasn't sure if it was his hand or the cabinet door.

I pushed forward and tackled him to the ground, even though I knew I deserved a nice shiner myself, I had no intention allowing Ben to give it to me. I just wanted to beat the crap out of him, like a complete mad man, yearning to release all the bottled up anger within me and unleashing it on him.

'Jesus Christ, knock it off!' Heero said, in obvious soldier mode, as he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me off just before I could deliver the first blow to that perfect, peach skinned face of Ben.

I suddenly realised that I was acting like a retard. Shouldn't someone with a history like mine know violence doesn't solve anything? With a bit of help from Heero I was able to pull back. I panted loudly and I was sweating heavily.

For Ben, however, this fight wasn't over yet. He rose, he must be at least a head taller than me and Heero, but that didn't strike fear in my heart. I had taken on people bigger and stronger than him, so bring it on.

'This is ridiculous. Stop it.' Heero came to stand in between us, his back turned towards me.

Ben growled and his eyes were furious and filled with blood thirst, like the eyes of prehistoric man defending territory. 'Why do you keep on forgiving him? He hit you!'

'So did you.' Heero pointed out, voice cool and reserved. He stood motionless before me, a barrier of mere flesh, muscle and bone, but I never felt safer in my entire life. Brick walls could be knocked down. Steel plates could be bend. But Heero was unmoving and everlasting when he is like this. When he is the Perfect Soldier once more.

'That's not fair Heero, you can't compare the two. He punched you, I only slapped you.'

Heero shakes his head. 'You're right, I indeed cannot compare the two. What you did was far worse. At least Duo thought of me man enough to punch me with his fist. While you slapped me open handed like I was some defenseless housewife. You make me _feel_ like a defenseless housewife.'

Ben stared at him for a while, completely defeated and deflated. 'And how does _he_ make you feel?'

Heero doesn't answer him, but his silence says more than a thousands words could have.

Ben lowers his head and looks down. He balls his fists at his side, for a moment I feared he would lash out again and hit Heero, but he didn't. Suddenly the tension leaves his body with one big, long sigh and he brings his hands up to run them through his tousled blonde hair. Another sigh, shorter and quieter with a little quiver disrupting it. He looks back up at Heero and speaks softly: 'I know you love him more than a friend. I'm not stupid. I'm not blind. But I got to know... Heero, do you love him more than _me_?'

Again Heero doesn't answer. It's his turn to look at the ground.

I feel like I shouldn't be here. I am invading on what should have been a very private moment, but it seems like to them it doesn't matter. They have forgotten I'm even here.

Ben nods and then walks out of the kitchen and heads upstairs.

After a few seconds Heero follows him with hastened steps.

I myself don't go upstairs, happy to no longer be in the middle of the situation. But as I sit down at the kitchentable I couldn't help but listen to their words and actions.

'What are you doing?' Heero asks.

No answer, all I can hear are sounds that could be identified as the rustling of clothes, perhaps Ben is undressing, but then why would Heero ask what he's doing?

'Where are you going?' Heero asks, his voice sounding increasingly panicked.

Ah. He's packing his bag, that's what I hear...

Oh God he's packing his bag! What have I done? 

'To my parent's house for the night.' Ben answers. He lowers his voice, probably hoping that I wouldn't be able to hear, but I was. 'You do whatever it is you have to do to find the answer to my question.' He stops for a moment, obviously not excited about what could (and had) happen in his absence. '... I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. If he's gone, we'll forget all about this and go back to living the way we have before he showed up. If he's still here... Than I will have only returned to pack the rest of my stuff.'

Footsteps. Ben walks into the hall. Heero follows him and stops him just before they reach the stairs. Heero doesn't ask anything, but Ben starts to talk again.

'I love you Heero. I love you enough to wish you the very best, even if I turn out not to be the man able to give you that. However, no matter how endless my love is for you, it is not enough to be able to keep on living like this; with him in our house. I'm only human Heero, I can't live with that kind of doubt, uncertainty and jealousy.'

Some more unreadable silence.

'I trust you, okay? I trust you to make the right decision.'

I blushed when I heard them coming downstairs, as if they would know I was eavesdropping. I sit frozen in my seat and listen to the front door opening again, only half an hour after Ben came home.

I couldn't stop myself my glancing over my shoulder and peeking down the hallway. I could just see the front door. Ben had a look of total agony on his face. Heero's face was as ever unreadable. At this stoic expression Ben smiles sadly. Then he leans in, as if he is about to kiss Heero, but he turns his face just before their lips meets and ends up pressing his cheek against Heero's, the bruised one. Finally he pulls himself away, which seems to take a great amount of effort and says once more: 'I love you. I'll be back tomorrow at noon.' He nods, Heero doesn't move even an inch, he doesn't even blink. He just stares.

Ben smiles again, he steps out of the house, onto the marble doorstep and reaches back in only to take hold of the door knob. He closes the door right in front of Heero.

I look away before Heero would catch me looking at them. I heard Ben leaving in the van, currently the only car they had, the sedan was still at the garage.

When long moments of silence followed I briefly look over my shoulder again, saddened to see Heero still standing there, frozen in time.

My sadness overpowers my feeling of guilt. I felt sad for Heero, knowing how confusing this must be for him. How lost he must feel. And how heartbreaking to find out that what he has been working for all these years is crumbling right before his eyes. And I feel sad for Ben. As much as I dislike him, he is not a wrong man. In fact he is the perfect man. The _right_ man. The right man for Heero, if only at least for now. I know he has been loving Heero with all his heart for the past years, never being certain if Heero loved him back to that extent, never knowing if he ever will. And not knowing how to handle an ex-soldier. An ex-Gundam Pilot no less.

So I felt sad. Because both deserved better than this. Better than what they had given each other and better than what I had brought apon them.

When I look back into the hallway again, Heero is gone. I sigh, feeling helpless. I wish I could give him some advice, could ease his mind, could say the right things to calm him down and help him make a decision. But I didn't want him to feel like I was pushing him into anything. It was only his to decide who he loves most. However, I doubted the once so deceisive ex-pilot would be able to.

If he can, what he should know is that whatever his decision may be, I will accept it, but that wouldn't be the end of it. More decisions are involved. If he chooses Ben, wil Ben choose to go on the way they had, or will he take the information Heero has given him and will he choose to change their relationship for the better? Or if Heero chooses me, will I choose to stay, which _felt_ right, or will I choose to go, which _is_ right?

**Only one or two chapters to go people. I hope you all enjoyed this update, leave a review and tell me what you think.**

**Love,**

**Crimson.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Knyghtshade: I can't tell if you were being serious or sarcastic -.-' I suppose it would be very insecure of me to think you are being sarcastic. But very arogant for me to think you aren't and I'd prefer insecure over arogant anytime ;) So I'm just gonna hope you like the story and hope you'll keep on reading :)**

**Aoilevelina: Thanks:)**

**Pikeebo: You're on the right track with your train of thoughts ;) great metaphor ;) I hope you'll enjoy, thanks for reviewing**

**Snowdragonct: That's scary and cool at the same time. I have that too sometimes, but not enough to consider it to be anything other than coincidence. I agree, problems don't just disappear, so that's why I will write the ending the way I will. I'm guessing you already know what will happen ;) But still, I'd like for you to read ;) Thanks for reviewing!**

**Airrezi: Thanks for all three reviews, I hope this chapter won't be confusing, sorry 'bout that btw**

**Shadowalchemist198: No need to apologize. I know first hand how annoying it is to read a story riddled with typos I guess I just seem to forget that whenever I write myself ;) Cool, you speak Japanese? I only know a few words and sentences, other than that the languages I know are pretty lame (Duth (duh), English, French, German, which is basic for every student in the Netherlands because we are the only friggin' idiots on the whole planet who decided to speak dutch... well, we and the Belgians...;) ). I'm reallt glad you like the story anyway and thanks a lot for reviewing!**

**TKM: Read and find out ;) Hope you like and **_**will**_** like ;) Thanks for reviewing**

**DragonRaye: Finally, someone who doesn't hate Ben. And geez do you read my mind too? Snowdragonct also predicted one of the things that would happen! Get out of my head! I agree, one day to decide is pretty radical but I figured it suited Ben's character, he's one to make quick decisions (like immediately pouncing Duo after seeing Heero's bruise). He doesn't take forever to think things over, he acts on his emotions (which may be why Heero loves him ;)) whether they are right or wrong. I'm really glad you liked the update and I hope you'll enjoy this one too:)**

**Zuzanny: Jup, but it was bound to get to this and if I were either of them, I'd be glad all the secrets and uncertainty and indeceisiveness will finally be over. Enjoy the update. R&R ;)**

**ADOPTING DUO**

**Chapter twentythree**

/ 'I trust you to make the right decision.' /

/ 'You can't do _right things_!' /

Such different relationships.

But was either of them wrong?

Or either of them good?

Does trust make a relationship good per se? And would distrust – by itself – ruin it? Was _love _even enough to define a relationship as right or wong, in it's presence or in it's absence? I loved Heero and I know Heero loved me. But to say our relationship – or the possibility of a relationship – is right, would be a lie. An outrageous lie when one has seen the other aspects of '_us_'. But what if one has been left blinded? Blinded by that same love. Could infinite love, in combination with such blindness, make a relationship work? Or did it take more still?

Ben and Heero. Their relationship had love _and_ trust. Was _that_ enough? Was that enough when the love is wilting and no longer as overpowering as it has been(or maybe hasn't been) before? And when one analyses the depth of this trust, the trust in a person who lives in secrecy behind his high brick walls, inside the fortress that surrounds his heart, how much worth does such trust have?

Hilde and I… We had no love. Nor did we have trust. But we were similar in character and temperament. We were headstrong (or at least had been). With our combined stubbornness alone we could have been able to 'make it work'. But is a relationship that takes such an amount of work really worth putting so much effort into?

But then again, didn't each relationship – in spite of the love, in spite of the trust, in spite of _everything_ – take a certain amount of labour? A certain amount of 'sheer will'?

It does. It must. For everything in life worth our while God has made exceptionaly hard to obtain, that's what I believed. And a good relationship is, what I think, truly worth my while – and so I reason everyone feels similar (I mean, I am right _sometimes_, aren't I?) - and so it _must_ be hard. It must be a day to day struggle. It can't all be good. Because humans get bored with the 'good' and the things that just 'come to us'. As intelligent beings, what we need is a challenge and this hunger to prove our problem solving capability is stilled by engaging in a complex relationship with that one person in the world that drives you insane in both the good way and the bad way.

I'm totally getting off track. But this is what happens when you spend the entire day in complete silence with nothing to do but wonder. Think. Ponder. And Puzzle. And then wonder and think and ponder and puzzle some more till finally you end up with even more questions than you had before.

I wonder how Heero is handling all this. I wouldn't know. I haven't seen him since this morning. He has disappeared into his room and has yet to come out. To my surprise he didn't even respond to Abby's cries when she got hungry this afternoon and I ended up having to feed her and giving her her ridiculously expensive imuun system medicine and rocking her back to sleep. I try to do this as detached as possible but I found it hard to. I don't feel as close to her as a father should feel to his daughter, but still, she was a tiny human being who I brought into this world – with a little help of course – and that still gets to me. Still stirs up some 'father-like' instincts within me. The instinct to protect, to feed… to love.

But I think I managed to surpress it to a minimum. Afterall, I was no longer the one responsible for protecting and feeding and loving. But now that the loving home I had given her to seemed to be tearing, or was at least severely disrupted and damaged, it made me wonder if she was really off so much better with the two of them? Two gay fathers, who will always be outcasts of society, despite the law, despite what people say, they will never fit in and will never be fully accepted. So will she? And what if she, after years of being teased by classmates, one day find out – as she will have to – that all this hardship could have been avoided for neither of these men who had looked after her for all those years, was her real father? And the man who shared her blood, her DNA, who was part of her, was walking around somehwere in the universe free of all responsibility… the way he liked it… how would she feel knowing all this, as a young women, taking on more responsiblities herself?

Damn, I shouldn't have fed her. Heero would have responded sooner or later and than I wouldn't even be thinking about all this!

_Heero is a good parent._ A voice inside me says and immediately I calm. _Now matter how disrupted this household will ever become, with Heero as a father, with his love and with his advice and surrounded by his aura of wisdom and strength, combined with a characterictic inherited from her father – the one that ensures she will land on her feet -, she will be allright._

I nod and smile, for I know, _know_, that this voice that speaks softly from within, is right.

If only this voice had more wise and calming words to share with me... And could solve my dilemma and help me solve Heero's... He had done so much for me. Yes, he has taken, he has pained, he has tortured this soul that resides within me but at the same time that stubborn hypocrit could not resist lending a helping hand in the reconstruction or my character and the revival of my heart.

And I can't resist loving him for it. Even after I witnessed him ruthlessly tearing me down, whether he did it intentionally or not. Like I know how much it pained him witnessing the death of himself, as his fortress was breached and then destructed from the inside out by me, even though I did not intend to, when I voluntarily strode through the gates to be locked inside.

And from our own ashes we have risen to be set afire once more.And we will rise _again_, this I know, if only to burn, for being aflame is better than being deminished to ash.

I want to feel sorry for myself. Because it is quite a pitiful situation I am in. But who I feel sorry for most is Heero and Ben. Not because this is possibly the end of their relationship, but because all these years they have been working so hard, because they thought it was worth it, and now it turns out that has all been in vain. All their work is at risk of going down the drain. Wasted years of their lives. Wasted efforts. Wasted energy. All that is returned to them is pain, even when they do end up together. For as I asked myself before and as I know Heero is asking himself, and Ben asking himself: Is love and trust enough?

Is _anything_ enough?

Will love and a relationship one day be a calculated decision, or will it always be the choice made by your gut, your instinct? Will it always rely on that unearthly feeling that directs you one way or another?

Or will I, or Heero, or Ben, ever be able to fill in the blanks of this equasion: _X_ plus _X_ times 2 equals 'happily ever after'?

I wonder how Heero is doing with his math...

It is evening already. This side of the blue planet is dark and star crossed, lit only by the pale light of the moon that makes earth seem like an alien and hostile environment. But I've learned now to see through that facade. It is not the moonlight that makes this place (seem) hostile, not even Earth itself. Not the pounding rain, not the blistering sun. It is us.

And so it is up to us to make this place warm and welcoming once more.

It's time tot alk to Heero. I know he probably doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't even want to catch a glimpse of my face, like I had been uneager about looking down in Abby's crib. But just like the confrontation of this afternoon this one was a necessary one. Because Heero had been given a deadline and than so had I. Because though he might feel like the entire universe revolves around him right now, it doesn't. And I think that will be a welcome revelation to him.

'Heero?' I knock softly on his door, after standing in front of it in the dark hallway for the past half hour, staring and second-guessing myself.

There is no answer, so I rudely open the door and step it. I can't see much. The curtains are closed so only a minimum amount of moonlight, only the strongest rays that have fought their way through the fabric, are allowed to illuminate the room and outline the furniture and the silent figure sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard with his legs stretched out in front of him. Heero doesn't even seem to be aware of my presence.

I close the door behind me and walk over to the bed, to Ben's side and I sit down against the headboard myself. I don't allow myself to regret taking in Ben's place, because of what that might symbolize. We both had enough to worry about as it is, without reading between the lines.

Once I am seated I reach over to my left and switch on the small lamp on Ben's nightstand.

The room is instantly painted in a orange hue, chasing away the pale blue to the furthest, darkest corners.

I suddenly realise I should have brought him some food. How unthoughtful of me, he hasn't eaten all day!

'Do you want something to eat?'

'I'm not hungry.' He gruffly replies, staring up ahead.

I sigh, even I had been hungry today. 'Heero, you have to eat something. I'll make you some dinner, okay?' I was about to rise. I seemed a bit too eager to make him food, probably so I could extract myself from this situation.

'I won't eat it.' Heero firmly informs me.

So I remain seated, because maybe he wanted me to.

'I've been thinking.'

I could have made some sarcastic, slightly funny, remark to that, but wisely I didn't. I wait for him to tell me what answers he has found during all these past hours of serious soul searching.

'I love you.'

A small, sad smile creeps to my lips. I'm proud to still be deserving of his love.

'And I love Ben.'

Now I wait for him to continue, but after long moments of silence, I realise he is done. I figured I shouldn't have expected any more.

'I've been thinking too.' I start. Looking at the wall in front of us. I can see Heero turning his face towards me, from the corner of my eyes.

'I love you.' I say, echoing his sentiment.

He nods. It comes as no surprise. He knew that. He had felt that and I had told him before.

I smile sadly once more and turn to him. 'And I love myself.'

Heero frowns. He doesn't understand. I don't even think he understands the concept of loving oneself, even though he fools me by sometimes letting me believe that he does.

'And this thing between us will be the end of me. And I'd drag you down with me.' I start. 'Because Heero, even though we love eachother and everything seems fine and peachy now – atleast... relatively so – what lies underneath, underneath the surface that will be cracked when we engage in a serious relationship, is this sea of the past. Of old feelings that still reside within our hearts. Hate and blame and guilt. And you Heero, you are strong, you can swim. But it will drag me down and I will pull you down with me. I wish I could promise you I'd be strong too and I could resist the temptation of the easy escape and I will never drink again. But I can't make you such promise.'

Heero looks away, hurt by the reality brought on by my words.

'You have a good thing here, with Ben. He has more to offer you than I, at least for now.'

I wait for the words to sink in. He starts nodding.

'I'm leaving tomorrow Heero and you can't stop me. Because for the first time in my life I am _sure_ that I am doing the right thing. And let's just say I owe it to someone, not only to myself, to do the right thing and to prove them wrong.'

Heero has stopped nodding, he has become almost catatonic. Unmoving. He doesn't even appear to be breathing and all this time while I stare at him, he doesn't blink once.

I'm flattered that the news of my decisions has shocked him so. Proof that I will be missed. Proof that maybe, just maybe, if I had rode out the storm and had given him a little more time, he would have picked me. But then my decision wouldn't have changed one bit. Because leaving was still the right thing to do. It was right for both of us. We had our own individual problems to deal with before we could even think of tackling the problems we had as a potential couple. And we needed to do that by ourself. Worlds apart. Far away enough for the magnetic attraction to be not overpowering but only a dull throb in the back my head.

'I called Donna this afternoon and explained. She has offered to pay for my ticket. I'm going back to L2 to face the consequences. To face life.'

He remains silent and still.

'Heero, I want you to know that this time, I'm not running. Nor am I 'giving you up'.' With a heavy, relieving sigh I climb out of the bed and walk back to the door to the hallway. I wait for a few tense moment in the doorway, waiting for some sort of response, but he just sits there.

I step out and close the door behind me, before the image of him sitting there like a lost, broken doll will be burned onto my retina and haunt me for the rest of my days.

When I've returned to my room and shut the door behind me, feelings start to wash over me. Pain. Sadness. Guilt. Fear, but most of all, I feel proud.

And so, to congratulate myself, I award myself with a drink.

A refreshing glass of water.

**Nope this isn't THE ending, yet, that will be up next time. Some time soon. ;)**

**I hope you all enjoyed. I myself am kinda pleased with this 'philosofical' chapter and I don't know about you but I'm especially fond of the ending :)**

**Love,**

**Crimson.**

**NEXT UP: ADOPTING DUO FINAL CHAPTER**


	25. Chapter 25

**After nearly fourteen months, 23 chapters and 110698 words, the time to finally write an ending to it, has come. After receiving so many positive reviews and with the story getting as many hits as it is, I hope this final chapter will leave no one disappointed, because that's the last thing I want. For the final time: Read (hope you'll enjoy) & Review (please?) **

**TKM: Surprisingly enough, it didn't take long at all. I was just in that kind of mood and the words just flowed. In hindsight I think it may have been a bit chaotic, but that only suits the situation ;) And in my own defense: Why Duo doesn't leave right now is because L2 is a very impopular destination. A day, only one shuttle departs to L2 (in the morning, 10 Am) I mentioned this in one of the chapters. Yes Duo could have left immediately and then hang around at the airport, but then, to me atleast, that would have had too many characteristics of 'running'. He has no reason to leave in great hurry because he doesn't fear another confrontation with Heero and he knows that he will be gone long before Ben comes home anyway. Sadly there will be no (real) 2x1 goodies, because that wouldn't fit the overall story, but I suppose they wouldn't be out of the place in the upcoming sequel ;) Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing!**

**Nighthawk921: Yeah, the ending was kinda neat, ne? I figured it would be a nice and welcomed surprise ;) Thanks for reviewing, I hope you will enjoy the final chapter.**

**Pikeebo: You're so right. I didn't intend to make Heero this weak but I was so focussed on improving Duo's character I kinda forgot about Heero -.-' Thanks for your review it has helped me with a lot of things whilst writing this final chapter. Enjoy!**

**Makoto-mai: It's not really a sad chapter so I don't think any tears will flow, no worries ;) Thanks for your review, i'm glad the previous chapter touched you so.**

**Zuzanny: Define relatively ;) I think the ending is best suited for the story. You know... it's just... '**_**right'**_** as Duo would say it ;) **

**Shadowalchemist198: LOL, nice reference to a work of art ;) That's an image hard to forget ;) I'm sorry but this really is the end of it. And what good is a story if it has no ending? Thanks for reviewing, not just this time but all the other times. You really encouraged me to reread my chapters before posting them. I might still miss a few errors but atleast now I don't have to feel ashamed for I know I did my best to make y'all enjoy the story ;) Thanks a thousand times for all your reviews I'll hope you'll read the squel too once it's up :)**

**Snowdragonct: You are right, as always. Thanks for pointing it out (like Pikeebo) that Duo isn't the only troubled soul and he may even turn out to be stronger than Heero. This knowledge has really helped me writing the final chapter. I may not have been able to erase that perception completely, for the damage has already been done, but the least I can do is have Heero acknowledge this fact and this I wouldn't have done if you hadn't reminded me, so thanks:)**

**Airezi: Read and find out ;) thanks for reviewing!**

**Knyghtshade: Ok then, thanks for explaining ;) Enjoy the final chapter**

**GundamPilot03: gotta love spring break ;) Hope you also did other, more useful things than reading my stuff ;) Thanks a lot for reviewing, I hope to hear from you again, for the final time ;) **

**DragonRaye: well, they do say that copying is the most flattering of compliments ;) As long as you don't overdo it ;) I'm glad it spoke to you. Sorry to hear about your break-up (read it on your profile page). That has to be hard, but from all that's bad comes something good, a wise lesson or inspiration for example. That said, I also gotta say that it must suck so again: sorry. I'm really glad you enjoyed the previous chapter and I hope you'll like this one too. Thanks for reviewing :)**

**Tracie: Thanks:) I'm glad it left you (sort of) speechless. I hope you'll read and enjoy the final chapter also. **

**Everyone who has ever reviewed: Thank you all for letting me know what you think!**

ADOPTING DUO

**Chapter 24 (final chapter)**

I didn't even realise I had fallen asleep till I opened my eyes and saw sunshine streaming into my room. Morning had come once more, like so many mornings had come. All of them had brought on feelings of doubt and self resentment, but today I woke up feeling more confidant than I had in a long long time. Too long a time. I felt a bit more like the old Duo. I felt a bit more like him every day. The Duo everybody liked. The Duo _I _liked. So I was grateful for his return, for he was strong. Stronger than the new Duo, the Duo I – and everybody with me – disliked, stronger even than Trowa, Quatre, WuFei and Heero. Stronger than all of them combined. Regardless of what _they_ might have to say about that.

I swing my legs out of the bed, over the edge. Immediately my skin is covered in goosebumps. The mornings, unlike the afternoons, of Chicago were cold. The sun had yet to chase away the cold of the dark silent night. 

It's seven am in the morning. I'm no longer used to getting up this early in the morning but today I was pumped up enough to get my body working. To get it to move. So I made it move towards the bathroom where I made it take a long shower and get dressed and get ready. It took a bit longer than usual as I had extra work to do in front of the bathroom mirror this morning. 

I nod at my fresh clean reflection and take my toothbursh and other belongings with me back to the bedroom where I throw them into my duffelbag that has, despite being here so long, never been unpacked. 

I sneak over to the laundry room down the hall to get my other clothes. I didn't want to leave anything behind, give Heero a reason – an excuse - to remember me, to think of me. I wanted to cleanse his life, cleanse it of me. It was for the best.

I had thought about leaving behind the clothes he had bought for me, but in the end, didn't. What good will it be if I left them here? He couldn't return them to the store. They weren't his size, so he couldn't wear them. They weren't Ben's size either so _he_ couldn't wear them. And above all else, they would remind him. So I took them with me. I would pay him back, just like he had said so confidantly at the store when he bought them for me.

With my full duffelbag and a plastic bag for the extra clothes, slung over my shoulder, after carefully placing an envelope addressed to Heero on my neatly made bed, I made my way into the hallway. I was about to go downstairs when a thought crossed my mind and I looked to my right, at the door at the end of the hallway. I put down my two bags at the top of the staircase and walk over to the far end. Quietly, I twist the doorknob in my hand and the door opens. The room is dark, the curtains are thick and let no sunlight through. I didn't want to take the risk of switching on the lights so I stepped into the darkness, taking careful notice of where I walked. Not saying goodbye, wether it would be noticed or not, would be wrong and I think I would come to regret it if I had walked away without a goodbye kiss.

So I leaned forward and stared at the round face, with full cheeks for a moment before placing a gentle kiss on the forehead.

Luckily, Abby, or Josephine – however they will call her – didn't wake.

'You take good care of your daddy.' I say and then add, with a silly smirk: 'And your mommy.'

I thought about saying some more. But what good will that do? Even if she had been awake, she would not understand a word of what I'm saying... Maybe I should have left _her_ a letter too. But what would I have written? Nothing that was mine to say. She was Heero's child now, Heero and Ben's, and he will tell her when the time has come and when she is old enough – and ready - to know the truth. And if he thinks it is a good idea, they will come look for me and then I'll get my chance to explain and beg for her forgiveness, but only then. Untill then I should expect no forgiveness from her, nor would I deserve it. 

Downstairs, Edie, who had heard me sneaking across the hallway, was already waiting for me at the bottom. I smile at her. I think I might come to miss having a ball of enthusiasm come up to greet me every morning. Because she had no judgement of me. She didn't think poorly of me, all she saw and smelled and felt was a person, no better nor worse than any other person. I liked that. And in that sense, I wished people were more like dogs. Passing no judgement when it's not their to pass.

_Listen to yourself Duo. People more like dogs? If people become any more like dogs they _will_ be dogs. Some of them at least. _ I snort at myself and pet Edie. 'Good girl. Good girl.'

She wags her tail furiously. 

'I'm gonna miss you.' I whisper to her, even though I knew very well dogs could only understand us to a certain level and that level consisted of one-syllable-commands, but it was nice to believe that maybe she did. It was nice to fool myself into believing that. 

'I think.' I added immediately after with a smile, as she pushed her wet nose against my cheek as I had bent forward to pet her.

With one last stroke over the soft top of her head I tiptoe over to the front door. Travelling on an empty stomach may not be my best idea ever, but no matter how confidant I may feel, I wasn't up for food right now. Make no mistake, leaving behind the love of my life and my child made me sick to the stomach. The head knows this is right, but to the heart is feels so wrong. It's almost like a physical pain, a throbbing in my chest. But I should only welcome these feelings, for at least I have them again. For atleast now I know, after so many years of doubt, that I am not dead on the inside. That the old Duo – the real Duo – is still alive and kicking and may one day be worth of loving again.

I sigh. But not yet. Not yet.

With one last glance into the perfect house I close the door behind me and leave it all behind.

The journey to the airport was long and tiring. I had to hitchhike my way there. Luckily halfway there I stumbled across an old lady, friendly and helpful, on her way to the airport herself, who offered to take me the rest of the way. Hitchhiking was the only way, as I left behind the fifty dollar bill I stole from Ben, in the envelope along with my last words to Heero. Things I should have told him in person. But writing them down for him to read was better than not letting him know at all. What I wrote may not be important to him and maybe he already knew, but it was important to me. Important to me to know for certain that he knows. 

_Heero,_

_I forgive you._

_Love,_

_Duo._

_PS: I'll pay you back the rest later. I'll find a way. I promise._

'Thank you so much.' I say to the old lady as we walked through the grand entrance of the airport and I assumed from here on our ways would split.

'You're welcome young man.'

I place her luggage, which I had been carrying from her car, parked a few hundred yards away from here, on a cart and gave it to her. She thanked me and wished me a good trip. Before walking off she asked:

'Where are you going?'

'L2, ma'am.'

She frowns 'Now why would you want to go there?'

I stare in the distance for a while, thinking of how to answer her question. Then a smile creeps to my face and I look at her to say: 'L2 sucks. But it's home.'

Despite the foul language she smiles back at me and nods. She understands and maybe feels the same about her homeplace. She gives me a wave and then turns around, walking away with a slow pace as she pushes her cart with luggage.

With my duffelbag over my shoulder and the plastic bag in my hand I make my way over to the check-in counter of the L2 Space line. It's a non-surprisingly short line, despite the fact that the shuttle will leave in half an hour already.

'Goodmorning sir.' The goodlooking young woman behind the counter chirps. 

'Goodmorning. If all has gone as planned you have a pre-paid ticket for me.' I inform her and then give her my ID, sliding it over the counter.

She compares the photo with my face, no longer a difficult comparison, unlike before. Then she inputs some of the information off my ID into her computer. She has a serious face, but then, as the computer beeps, the smile returns to her face and she gives me back my ID. She unlocks a cabinet out of my line of sight and then hands me my ticket. 'Paid for by L2 citizen Donna Carter, a one way ticket to L2. The shuttle with depart at gate S19 in...' She brings her wrist up to her face to read the time of a sleek, silver watch. 'Twentyfive minutes. You can leave your luggage here.' 

'Thank you.' I put the ticket in the pocket of my jacket and place my duffelbag onto the conveyor that first weights it and when the weight is approved, takes it through and X-ray and then to the back to be processed and taken to the right shuttle. She puts the plastic bag into a cardboard box, seals it and then places it on the conveyor belt as well.

'Have a nice flight.' She says as the luggage is under the weightlimit and the X-ray comes up with nothing suspicious. 

I want to thank her again but notice she has already greeted the next customer in the line, so I walk on.

Chicago's airport is devided in two sections. The airport section, with gates A (Air) 1 to 45 and the Spaceport section with gates S (Space) 1 to 22. It was the largest airport in all of America so navigating through it could become quite a challenge, especially in rush hour, with people bumping into you as you push your way through the crowded hall.

I managed to get myself into the Spaceport section and passed the busiest gates, S1 to S15. After that the gates were pretty quiet. Unpopular destinations like L2 and the other poorer colonies. 

The advantage was that I didn't have to fight to get myself a seat. Waiting for the spaceshuttle to L2 to start boarding were only about a dozen people. None of them were looking particularly pleased to go back. Why should they? Fates similar to mine awaited them on that colony.

The feeling of depair was starting to gnaw at me. Maybe it had been very naive of me to think that going up there and facing my demons, would make it all alright. It may heal my soul and allow me to forgive myself, but my forgiveness would not pay the rent, food or pay off my debts. 

'_Space Flight X520 to L2, departing at gate S19 will now start boarding.'_ An electronic, but definitely female voice said over the intercom. 

The few people rose out of their seats and made their way over to the desk in front of the gate to the shuttle, where two stewardesses stood to check their tickets and wish them a safe flight. 

I too made my way over. Despite the despair, and the worry, I mostly felt an eerie calm. Like everything would be okay, one way or another. 

I had many questions, the answer of which I could only guess. _Will I ever see Heero again? Will Heero stay with Ben? How did he and Ben even meet? How will Abby's life go? How will Heero manage? Will he be okay? Why did he try to commit suicide seven years ago?_

But these questions didn't matter and I should stop asking them to myself. All that mattered now was how I was going to take care of myself. If I was going to worry about anything more, I might as well stay. And then I guess I already know how things would turn out.

_Not good._

_Not right._

'_Flight X520 now boarding.'_ Was called over the intercom again.

I stilled, froze in my spot, a few yards away from the desk in the middle of the white, large hall because above the robotical voice announcing the boarding of my shuttle, I heard a familiar voice calling out my name. 

I turned and as I expected after hearing that voice, I saw Heero standing about fifteen yards away, with one arm holding Abby, with the other a navy blue duffelbag, which appeared to be heavy.

In the bright light of the sun streaming in through the many windows he looked more beautiful than ever. His figure looked nothing short of perfect as approached me, dressed in simple, light jeans and a light blue, untucked, button-up shirt. 

I wanted to do nothing more than run over to him and embrace him and never let him go. But I was getting mixed feelings. What was he doing here? Why did he have Abby and a duffelbag with him? Was he coming with me? At that I felt both offended and flattered. Offended that he disrespected my decision to sort through my problems by myself, as though he had no faith in my strength nor in my judgement. But at the same time there was some flattery, a warm feeling that he loved me enough to ignore my decision. 

Once the distance between us has been reduced to only two feet I acknowledge just how hard he makes my heart beat. Like it beats only for him. And maybe it did.

We stare into each other's eyes for a moment, trying to read each other's thoughts, but being unsuccessful. We have to voice our thoughts instead if we want to heard and want to be understood, this is something that took us years to realise. Our relationship was in some definite need of communication skills. Another thing we'd be wise to learn whilst apart.

'You shaved.' He finally says, sounding a little bewilderd. Then, after looking at me for some time he concludes: 'It looks good.'

'Thanks.'

He frowns 'For complimenting you?'

'No. For noticing.'

He smiles but I don't return the gesture.

'I hope you only came to say goodbye.' I start after another few moments of silence

Heero doesn't respond, he just stares at me, as if in awe, as if enchanted. I like it. But I don't want to like it. I don't want him to look at me like that, not now. He makes it too hard. He makes it hard for me to do the right thing, like he always has. Because I can't think when he's around. I can't think of anything else but him and how beautiful he looks with the sunlight streaking his hair and lighting up his eyes and how much I want him, physically, emotionally and spiritually. When I look at him all I can think about is how much I want every piece of him, in every way and this leaves no room for rational thought.

'Heero, please. Don't do this. Let me leave. Like you said, my timing sucks. But maybe one day the timing will be right and let's see if God will have realigned our paths once more by then...' I practically begged him.

Heero smiles again, relieved of some sort. 'I didn't come to go with you to L2. I respect your decision and you were right, it was the right one. I came to give you this.' He held out the blue duffelbag to me.

I took it from him, when I felt the weight it didn't take me long to figure out what I was holding right now. 'I can't accept it. I don't want Relena's pity money.' I said as I knew for certain the bag was filled with bills. 

'Good.' Heero says, his face stern and serious, determined not to take the money back. 'For this is not me giving you Relena's money, which she should have given you years ago. This is me loaning my best friend all the money I can spare. For completely selfish reasons.' He raises his voice a bit as he continues: 'For I can't sleep at night knowing he is wandering the streets of L2. Because I know what happens to people wandering L2's streets...' His voice cracks, he looks away, ashamed, once composed he finishes: 'So you're gonna take this goddammed money.' He left no room for argument.

Relieved I smile at him and firmed my grip on the duffelbag's handle. I look down at it and then back at Heero. 'A loan?' I clarify with a grin.

Heero lightens up a bit and smiles back at me, the tension ebbing away. He nods, then smirks back. 'You can pay me back when "God has realigned our paths".'

I chuckle. 'That is an offer I can accept.' I place it at my feet and then lean in to embrace Heero as a friend who has just gone out of his way to do me a big favor, not as a lover with whom I share an awkward history. I shamelessly bathe in Heero's aura of strength and wisdom once more, uncertain how long I would have to do without. I'd miss him. I'd miss him more than ever, for I love him more than ever, both romantically and as a friend. And he loved me back the same. For the first time I know how it felt to be certain about love and this certainty felt more empowering than anything I had ever felt before.

As I hugged him, careful not to disturb Abby who was in his arms, my cheek pressed tightly against his, one of my hands buried into the silken, chocolate brown mop of hair of his, he speaks up softly: 'I don't want you to think that because of what happened between us you can't turn to me in times of need.'

I nod and reluctantly release him. Staring deeply into his eyes I respond: 'I know Heero. I know I can rely on you. Like I always have. And one day I will be able to return the favor.'

'Final call for passengers of flight X520 to L2 to board.'

We laugh sheepishly. 

'So...' I start, 'I guess this is farewell.' I joke halfheartedly.

'No,' he corrects with a smile, 'this is merely a goodbye.'

I smile back.

'You owe me money, remember?' He adds.

We both laugh again but I silence him by leaning him, catching him by surprise and giving him a long, passionate, goodbye kiss. _No farewell_. 

'Goodbye.' Heero whispers when we break apart.

'Goodbye, for now.' I kiss Abby goodbye once more on her forehead. 'Goodbye.' I repeat to her and then pick up the navy blue duffelbag and turn on my heels. Walking away from him was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I'd better get used to it, more hardship awaited me. This shuttle flight was merely the beginning of a long and exhausting journey. A journey to the right time and the right place, where we can be together, for good.

Halfway there I turn briefly and call: 'For now!' I wave. To reassure both him and myself.

We waves back with his free hand. 'For now.' He echoes. He was still standing where I left him, looking at me with a smile, but I know he was hurting inside like me and in this I found some strange comfort. 

The thought that he would journey back to that perfect house of his to be with his perfect husband was a hard one, but one I had to live with. Afterall, this is what I chose and as hard as it may be, it made me happy. For I started to feel like I was back in control of my own life again, after leaving the "decision making" to everybody else. I wondered how I would fare.

I turn back and smile secretively. _I think I'll do pretty well_.

I've reached the desk and the stewardess checks my ticket. 'Have a nice flight.' She says.

I thank her and step through the gate. I don't look back again. I don't have to. I don't have to glance over my shoulder one last time to see him again. Because I _know_ we will meet again. When the time was right. And then we would be together, as equals, as adults, as normal people not as struggling underage soldiers. We will be together the way we always should have been.

And we will be _forever._

No matter how hard this will be, it will be worth every drop of sweat and salty tear spilled in our efforts to make '_us_' work. 

Before it had always felt like I was in need of adopting. G had adopted me. Hilde had adopted me. And Heero had adopted me, like Abby. But from now on there will be no more of that, because as I went from fosterhome to fosterhome, I've gained strength, wisdom and righteousness, finally. Now what I had to do was learn to stand on my own two feet, as a grown man. 

Everything was going to be alright. I don't how how, just that it will. 

And there will be no more adopting Duo. 

**I hope y'all enjoyed the ending and the overall story. I thank everyone who has read it and special thanks goes to those who reviewed as well, encouraging me on, without them I would never have been able to say what I am about to say:**

**The End.**

**Love,**

**Crimson.**

**PS:****I've truly enjoyed writing this story, this is really my kind of genre, complicated, dramatic realistionships, complicated and dramatized some more by the situation. But as much as I have enjoyed it, I am done with it for now. I _will_ be writing a sequel to this story because I've come to rather like this plot and the altered versions of Duo and Heero that I've created and I'm not quite ready to let them go ;) But it will take some patience on both your and my behalf. I hope the sequel, once it up, will have been worth the wait like I hope each chapter of Adopting Duo has been worth the wait.**


End file.
